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#Post#: 16540--------------------------------------------------
When your child goes through a break-up
By: jpcher Date: October 18, 2018, 3:41 pm
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Especially with a long-term relationship, how do you handle it?
I'm posting for in-general thoughts. Like did you think of the
now-ex as your own child? Loved him/her and considered them
family? Does the break-up not only affect your child but you as
well? This is something that I've been stewing with for the past
month +1/2 and would like to hear your experiences.
Several weeks ago I asked DD#2 "I haven't seen BFbob for a
while, is everything okay?" DD#2 told me "Oh, we broke up."
(They've been a couple for close to 7 years.)
SHOCK! "Oh, my darling, I'm so sorry to hear that!" DD#2 said
"It's okay. With me opening my own shop I don't have time to
invest in a relationship. He doesn't really understand that.
Plus, for the past couple of months, he's been telling me what I
should do and basically telling me whatever I'm doing is wrong.
I just can't deal with the drama any more."
It was BFbob that broke up with DD#2. DD#2 told me of a couple
of incidents that happened before they broke up. One where BFbob
got into a fist fight with one of his best friends! blood and
stitches and all that. Another where BFbob got falling down
stupid drunk at a wedding that they attended together. This is
NOT! BFbob.
That being said, we're planning our annual Horseradish party for
this coming Sunday. I've been emailing my DDs and DD#1's BFsam
concerning apps, recipes, invite list, etc. . . . and it really
bothered me to not include BFbob. I mean it hurt my heart. Like
I lost one of my kids.
I know that DD#2 has to do what is right for her and I stand
behind her every step of the way. I will never tell her that she
made a wrong choice, but does it make sense that I'm grieving
the loss as well?
On a good note -- apparently they are still friends, just
distancing themselves from one another. BFbob has started
therapy and is doing other activities (5K run with his company,
etc.) in order to find peace within himself (there's a long back
story of his life).
DD#2 emailed me the other day asking "Did you ask BFbob to go
grocery shopping with you?"
I replied "I didn't know if it was okay to talk to him. I didn't
want to make you feel uncomfortable." She said "I think he would
appreciate the invite." So I emailed him and he will be joining
us for breakfast and grocery shopping.
So maybe BFbob will find peace with himself in order to be
comfortable with a relationship or maybe he or DD#2 will decide
that it just wasn't in the stars for them.
In the mean time . . . I'd like to hear your thoughts/stories
about break-ups within the family. How did you handle the
situation?
#Post#: 16549--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Copper Horsewoman Date: October 18, 2018, 5:12 pm
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Your daughter has set the tone. It doesn't seem acrimonious. It
sounds like the drama level may have ramped up, even if you
weren't aware of it, and she did not want to deal with fighting
and drunkenness. (You may have also been carefully shielded from
other information, in the kindest way, for your own peace of
mind). Even if you loved BFbob and were already measuring him up
for the son-in-law slot in the family photo, stay completely
neutral, and let DD set the tone. If she mentions him, or
invites him, be friendly but noncommittal. She sounds like she
is both able and willing to conduct her own life.
#Post#: 16550--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: lmyrs Date: October 18, 2018, 5:26 pm
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You only invite the ex to events when your child explicitly asks
you to (so the breakfast/grocery shopping thing is OK). It's
important to remember that as close as you were/are to both
members of the couple, you aren't in the relationship and it's
really not appropriate to say, "that's not him". It is him,
obviously. It sounds to me like you have been shielded from some
aspects of his personality and their relationship. This is
normal. Especially since they've been together so long since
they were so young. Your daughter sounds like she is 100% on
board with this, that she's happy and thriving even. So, even
though you're hurting, it doesn't really matter. (That's not
meant to be cold. It's just a fact.) When couples get divorced,
family and friends of the couple are often devastated. They
still have to keep their mouth shut about it and support their
family member.
#Post#: 16551--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Jem Date: October 18, 2018, 6:06 pm
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I think you know what the answer is because your post showed
some insight. Of course it makes sense that you are grieving the
loss of BFBob, because it is a thing you are feeling. That said,
it is not a productive feeling to express to your DD or to Bob,
and not a productive feeling to act upon. This wasn’t your
relationship. As PPs said, follow your DD’s lead. Do NOT reach
out to Bob on your own.
#Post#: 16552--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: guest725 Date: October 18, 2018, 6:30 pm
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Not important--sorry
#Post#: 16556--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: guest657 Date: October 18, 2018, 8:57 pm
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I never had a relationship that long until I married, but DD's
choice not to announce the breakup, and extremely low-key
discussion of this sounds like something I would do.
I loved my mom dearly, and she was a wonderful mother. But she
felt things so intensely, and wanted to process so many of those
feelings with me, that I started curating what I would share
with her pretty early in life. It sometimes takes me a while to
figure out how I feel about things, so it was just simpler to
deal with stuff and then let her know when it was a fait
accompli and I had some distance from it.
If DD2 is more reticent in general, she may have just felt like
she needed a lot of space around this to get herself sorted out
before it got complicated by telling other people.
Because it is going to be complicated. Sounds like they are
finding a new level of being friends, which is going to take
adjustments over time. And his family and you and DD1 & her BF
are going to need to adjust as well.
I know it's upsetting for you, and it's a real loss in many
ways. I'd encourage you to talk about it with someone outside
the situation, because it's good to talk those feelings out in a
safe place.
Not to DD2, though. And it's probably better not to process it
much with DD1 either, because that's got a lot of potential
triangulation.
Best wishes, I hope things get easier soon!
#Post#: 16584--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Model Date: October 19, 2018, 9:03 am
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I don't understand why you think your daughter made a wrong
choice when it was BFBob who broke up with HER.
It is normal to feel upset, as he was in your life too for a
long time. But as others have said, this was their relationship,
not yours. Follow your daughter's lead.
#Post#: 16586--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Rose Red Date: October 19, 2018, 9:16 am
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[quote author=Model link=topic=751.msg16584#msg16584
date=1539957822]
I don't understand why you think your daughter made a wrong
choice when it was BFBob who broke up with HER.
It is normal to feel upset, as he was in your life too for a
long time. But as others have said, this was their relationship,
not yours. Follow your daughter's lead.
[/quote]
This.
Jpcher, I suggest you read back on all the posts you have made
about DD2 throughout the years. I know you love her, but I don't
think you give her enough credit.
#Post#: 16587--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Jem Date: October 19, 2018, 9:21 am
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[quote author=Model link=topic=751.msg16584#msg16584
date=1539957822]
I don't understand why you think your daughter made a wrong
choice when it was BFBob who broke up with HER.
It is normal to feel upset, as he was in your life too for a
long time. But as others have said, this was their relationship,
not yours. Follow your daughter's lead.
[/quote]
I missed this! Most definitely use your ears and not your mouth
when communicating with your DD about the breakup, OP.
I forget the timeline, but isn't DD2 relatively young? If she
has been with Bob for seven years, she probably does not have
any experience dating someone who is NOT Bob. And if the two
started dating as teenagers, the chances of them developing in
exactly the same ways at exactly the same speed are slim. The
way Bob acted likely IS how Bob is right now, even if it is not
what he was like when he was 18 and not what he will be like
when he is 30.
Right now it sounds like DD2 is not unhappy about the breakup,
and is actually pretty happy about how her life is going. I
would focus on that when talking with her, not on the "loss" of
Bob.
#Post#: 16606--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: gramma dishes Date: October 19, 2018, 11:34 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=751.msg16587#msg16587
date=1539958879]
... Right now it sounds like DD2 is not unhappy about the
breakup, and is actually pretty happy about how her life is
going. I would focus on that when talking with her, not on the
"loss" of Bob.
[/quote]
This. So very much this.
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