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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 16564--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: lakey
Date: October 19, 2018, 12:27 am
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--- Quote ---
> And don't plan a family celebration around a venue that can't
even accommodate the whole family.
--- End Quote ---
Exactly. If the purpose of this is to celebrate Grandmother's
birthday, then the whole family is supposed to be invited. The
sister has made it about going to a restaurant that SHE wants
to go to.
#Post#: 16566--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: Aleko
Date: October 19, 2018, 1:13 am
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One thing that I'm not hearing in this story is whether anybody
asked Grandma what way of celebrating her birthday would
actually give her pleasure. To be sure, we're told that she
enjoys fine dining, but it certainly does not follow that she
enjoys it so much that she would want people who don't, such as
her grandchild and her own DH, to sit through a posh dinner on
her account - still less that she would want one of her
grandkids simply excluded.
If OP's sister and Grandma both love haute cuisine, there's
nothing stopping the sister offering a dinner at this fine
restaurant on another date, just for the two of them, as her own
birthday present to Grandma, and booking the family celebration
somewhere the whole family can go.
#Post#: 16570--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: Lula
Date: October 19, 2018, 4:47 am
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As another who deals with an ED: thank you for being an awesome
mom. I'm just imagining DD remembering this as "the time the
entire extended family went out to celebrate Grandma's birthday
at a high-end restaurant while I had to stay at home with a
babysitter because I eat like a baby."
#Post#: 16776--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: bopper
Date: October 22, 2018, 8:51 am
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First of all, 10 years old is around the time you start,
typically, changing from "kid food" to "adult food".
My DD was picky at that age and now is a super foodie.
I think it for the best that either this is an adult "fancy
food" meal, or it is a family celebration.
It could also be just sis takes her family and mom out.
But it is not acceptable to take 10 out of the 11 family
members.
If your sister says anything, say "imagine if I planned a family
outing for everyone but your 13 year old. Would they be cool
with that? Would you?"
#Post#: 16778--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: TeamBhakta
Date: October 22, 2018, 8:59 am
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--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> If your sister says anything, say "imagine if I planned a
family outing for everyone but your 13 year old. Would they be
cool with that? Would you?"
>
--- End Quote ---
I suspect the sister's answer would be "But my 13 year old isn't
picky, so nobody would need to do that & it would never happen
to her anyway!"
#Post#: 16783--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: October 22, 2018, 9:05 am
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--- Quote from: TeamBhakta link ---
>
> [quote author=bopper link=topic=748.msg16776#msg16776
date=1540216305]
> If your sister says anything, say "imagine if I planned a
family outing for everyone but your 13 year old. Would they be
cool with that? Would you?"
>
--- End Quote ---
I suspect the sister's answer would be "But my 13 year old isn't
picky, so nobody would need to do that & it would never happen
to her anyway!"
[/quote]
"but there's still only room for 10 and we have to leave someone
out so it's your 13 year old." Doesn't really matter the reason,
whether it's food or something else, it's not right to leave out
anyone for a family celebration unless they don't want to go.
#Post#: 16791--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: Jem
Date: October 22, 2018, 10:37 am
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I went running with my sister yesterday, and we had a fun time.
The plan is to do a family celebration for my mom with all
eleven people when it works in our schedules, date to be
determined. I really think my sister did not mean to be hurtful
- she is just self absorbed at times (aren't we all,
sometimes?). I think she took what I said about excluding my
daughter to heart and understands where I am coming from and
feels bad about it. At any rate, this is an example of how all
families are dysfunctional in some ways, but not all dysfunction
needs to create lasting tension. I am confident my sister and I
(or my mom, or dad, or whichever family members) will have
disagreements and hurt feelings in the future at some point,
just as we have in the past. But I can also say with confidence
that even when one of our feelings are very hurt our family is
not actively trying to be hurtful, if that makes sense.
Thanks for the advice and support.
#Post#: 16795--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: lakey
Date: October 22, 2018, 11:20 am
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--- Quote ---
> I really think my sister did not mean to be hurtful - she is
just self absorbed at times (aren't we all, sometimes?). I think
she took what I said about excluding my daughter to heart and
understands where I am coming from and feels bad about it.
--- End Quote ---
This is why it is better to nicely speak up, as you did, than to
stew quietly and get more and more resentful. Most people, if
you point something out to them, will be reasonable. Glad it all
turned out well.
#Post#: 16812--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
DIR By: bopper
Date: October 22, 2018, 1:21 pm
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Also what you did was to set a boundary. You said that none of
you would be coming if DD wasn't invited. Then your sister can
say "let's change things so everyone is invited" or "See you
another time."
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