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#Post#: 16401--------------------------------------------------
Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: Jem Date: October 17, 2018, 11:24 am
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Cast of characters: I have an older sister with a husband and
four kids (15, 13, 13, 12). Our parents are in their mid-70s. I
have a husband and a daughter (10). That’s eleven people total.
Our family is not toxic, although as all families do we have had
certain misunderstandings and differences of opinion over the
years. My sister very much loves my daughter, and I very much
love her kids.
Background: All of us are financially well off, but our tastes
differ. For example, my sister and her family very much enjoy
super fancy dinners (think multiple course meals that cost $125+
per person and last four hours plus). I enjoy meals like this
too, as does my mom. My father and husband will tolerate such
meals, but do not “enjoy” them and would be just as happy or
happier with an outing to a nice but far less elaborate and
expensive restaurant. My DD only eats very simple food and would
likely refuse to eat anything served at the fancy restaurant (I
have made a decision to not argue with her about food, so long
as she is getting nutrition – I had an eating disorder when I
was younger and am not interested in shaming her for what she
does or does not eat). Everyone is aware that my daughter is not
a "foodie" (and really, few people are "foodies" when they are
ten years old).
Issue: In the past, fancy dinner outings have included just the
adults (unless just my sister’s nuclear family goes). For my
mom’s upcoming birthday, my sister wants to take “everyone” out
to a fancy $125+ per plate dinner at a fancy restaurant but she
could only get reservations for 10 people. Without consulting
anyone, she basically just issued the invitation as “We will
take everyone for dinner at ______ for Mama’s birthday,” but
then sent me a separate text message that said, “I know your DD
wouldn’t want to eat this fancy meal, and we could only get a
reservation for ten people, so hopefully she won’t be too upset
to not be included.” I told her that I would need to check with
my husband whether he is even available that date but that I was
certain my DD WOULD be upset to be the only family member
excluded from this event for her grandma, regardless of who is
paying and regardless of whether she wants to eat the fancy
food.
My sister argued that my DD wouldn’t even enjoy the meal and her
kids love fancy meals and she really wants to go to this fancy
restaurant to celebrate our mom’s birthday. I said that for me
it would be more important that EVERYONE be there to celebrate
the birthday than that the birthday be celebrated at this
specific restaurant which only takes reservations up to ten
people. I suggested maybe just her family and my mom and dad
should go so it isn't just my DD who is excluded. It was a
rather tense conversation where my sister essentially implied
that it is not her issue that my child is not as cultured as her
kids, and my kid’s feelings at being excluded aren’t really
valid because my kid does not enjoy fancy meals.
In the end, my sister canceled the reservations for everyone,
but it feels just so passive aggressive and icky, as though she
thinks *I* ruined our mom’s birthday celebration (which no one
was consulted about).
Maybe I am just venting, but I am sure this issue will continue
to occur. I suggested a less expensive outing everyone would
enjoy (I said “something like bowling, although not bowling”)
and my sister said, “I really wanted to do something fancy.”
Again, I personally enjoy fancy events when appropriate, but I
do not at all begrudge that my ten year old does not. And here,
it isn't even the cost that is the problem, it is that the
restaurant won't seat 11 people. What to do? Maybe just wait for
everyone to grow up (including my sister)? Hah!
#Post#: 16402--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: Chez Miriam Date: October 17, 2018, 11:31 am
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{{Hugs}}
I know you didn't ask for them, but having only your child
specifically excluded from a 'whole family' plan must really
hurt.
I think you were fine suggesting only your sister's family +
your parents went, and I think a better suggestion was anything
the whole family could attend (bowling except not bowling).
I hope your sister never gets to find out what it feels like to
have your child included and one or more of hers just left out
of all plans; that really does suck. :'(
Edited because a possessive has an apostrophe <blush>
#Post#: 16405--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: RubyCat Date: October 17, 2018, 11:39 am
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Your sister could still do something fancy. It just can't
exclude one member of the family. That was hurtful. I know
you're feeling like the bad guy but you did the right thing by
standing up for your daughter. Hugs.
#Post#: 16406--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: lowspark Date: October 17, 2018, 11:39 am
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Surely there is a restaurant that you can go to that is somewhat
fancy and takes reservations over 10 people. Excluding one
member of the family, in my opinion, is not an option.
The expensive fancy places I've been to before are more than
happy to accommodate specific requests from diners such as just
ordering a plain grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli
(actual example), while everyone else orders the menu offerings.
“I really wanted to do something fancy” is fine. But to me it
comes across more as "There's only one restaurant that is
acceptable to me and they refuse to accommodate us so your
daughter gets sacrificed."
This is for your mom's birthday right? How does she feel about
the idea of having her birthday celebration specifically exclude
one of her grandchildren? Did anyone ask her where *she* wants
to go?
#Post#: 16408--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: Hanna Date: October 17, 2018, 11:42 am
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Excluding one Grandchild from a family celebration is not OK!
Shocked that a parent would think it is under any circumstances.
Even if your daughter really didn’t mind, pretty much everyone
else would like miss her presence there. Particularly her
Grandmother.
Your sister is just wrong. Glad to hear it’s not a common
occurrence.
#Post#: 16409--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: STiG Date: October 17, 2018, 11:45 am
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Well, since it seems that the fancy restaurant is more important
than including everybody in the celebration, how about having
Mom be the odd man out? /*sarcasm.
Yeah, not ok to exclude your daughter, even if she didn't want
to go. How about she finds out who will be attending BEFORE she
decides on a venue?
I'm sorry your sister did this.
#Post#: 16411--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: lmyrs Date: October 17, 2018, 12:16 pm
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I can't believe that a restaurant that accepts reservations for
10, won't accept reservations for 11, especially if 5 of the
guests are children. That's crazy.
But, you didn't do anything wrong, and your sister did the right
thing by cancelling the reservation. Which is what you wanted,
right? So, I say, just be happy that it worked out. If she's
being passive aggressive, just ignore that. So, if she says
something like, "Well I guess we had to cancel since we can't
leave out DD," then you say, "Yes, it's too bad the restaurant
won't take reservations for 11."
There's nothing wrong with your sister wanting a fancy
celebration and there's nothing wrong with you wanting something
like bowling. If your styles don't match, just do your own
things.
#Post#: 16416--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: Luci Date: October 17, 2018, 1:03 pm
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If you suggested it be toned down just a bit or finding an
equally fine restaurant that takes larger reservations, I think
you did the only thing you could by supporting your daughter.
As Grandma, I personally would not go if one person were left
out except for business or health reasons and reschedule for an
important event in one of the children’s lives.
We have 2 children in good marriages and 6 grandkids ages 25 to
11.
#Post#: 16418--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: AfleetAlex Date: October 17, 2018, 1:19 pm
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As the (now grown up) kid with a very fussy eating palate, I
have nothing but support for your DD and I applaud you for
having her back. My family was very frustrated with taking me
anywhere - which I do understand - and believe me, I still
remember situations of being excluded or eye-rolled-at. Your DD
would remember what your sister did - and what the rest of the
family went along with - for life, probably. I'm just as glad
this meal didn't come to pass as originally planned.
(For what it's worth, my palate has expanded considerably over
my lifetime to where I'm now more adventurous in some ways than
other members of the family!)
#Post#: 16421--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fancy Dinner for Everyone (Except Your Kid)
By: Jem Date: October 17, 2018, 1:54 pm
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Thanks for the perspectives. The place my sister wanted to go
and what she wanted to do was a set menu with multiple courses
and wine pairings (for the adults) etc. I haven't been to this
specific restaurant yet, but in similar outings to similar
restaurants you cannot choose your food. The whole idea is to
experience the brilliance of the chef on that particular day.
The experience takes several hours because there might be 7 or
more "courses" that are all served at separate times to fully
enjoy the various flavors and presentation. It isn't something
where one person could order chicken and someone else could
order steak, for example. Everyone gets the same food, no one
can select their food, and it is quite spendy.
I don't know the specifics, just that she told me she could only
get a reservation for ten (or fewer than ten, but not more than
ten). It's a pretty long wait list to get into this restaurant.
I don't think the restaurant sees many children, at least not
for the fixed menu. My sister had to pay $25 per person just to
hold the reservation past today, which is why she canceled it
when I said I had to check whether my husband was available that
day and mentioned that my DD would be very hurt to be excluded.
She obviously didn't want to lose a $250 deposit, but the
concern wasn't paying for my daughter so much as not being able
to get a reservation for 11 at this place within a reasonable
amount of time, or possibly ever, the way she was making it
sound. Because I would have gladly paid for my nuclear family,
although it would be rather silly to pay $125 for my DD to eat
bread, and not the kind of bread she likes but instead super
fancy bread she would likely not enjoy, if bread was even part
of the fixed menu.
At any rate, yeah, I am pretty hurt by the whole thing. I think
my sister saw herself as being generous (dinner for 10 would
likely be well over $1,250.00) - and she was aside from the fact
only ten of 11 family members would be included. I don't think
my sister meant to be hurtful or condescending, but the fact
is....she was. It will blow over, just how it has in other
circumstances.
Thanks for the hugs.
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