DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 16161--------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: Writer of Wrongs Date: October 15, 2018, 9:56 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I thought the members might be interested in today's Dear Abby.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2018/10/15/military-husband-returns-home-only-to
The LW's husband "recently" returned from his fourth Middle East
deployment, after being gone for a year. His mother has invited
him and his two sisters on a weeklong vacation cruise - no
spouses allowed. They leave in two weeks. The LW is hurt but
doesn't want to create any additional stress for the husband,
who is still reintegrating.
Abby's response was that military spouses are resilient, so the
LW should basically get over it.
I know every family does "family" differently, and that in many
families the blood-relation-only aspect wouldn't be a problem. I
think the problem here is the timing. LW doesn't define
"recently," but since the husband is still reintegrating,
presumably it's been less than several months. I would imagine
the LW and husband are still reinterating their marriage, as
well, so the invitation seems insensitive to their relationship.
Thoughts? How would this work out in your relationship?
#Post#: 16166--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: Hmmm Date: October 15, 2018, 10:59 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't begrudge parents wanting alone time with their
offspring. I've always promoted (and even been the organizer)
for my DH and his 2 siblings to spend time with just each other
or with their parents. My DH has never been upset if I did a
trip with just my sisters.
I think the challenge in this situation is the DH accepted the
offer without discussing it with his wife. The other potential
issue is how long had the DH been back. If it's been 2 or 3
months, then I wouldn't personally have an issue with it. But if
the trip was within a month of his return, I'd find that too
soon. I can imagine how stressful it is for a couple to get used
being back together after 1 has been away for a full year. I
would think that a week off might be a good idea.
Mom could see this as her last opportunity to have a week long
trip with her children and them not being distracted by spouses
or children. She is probably very grateful her son has returned
from a 4th tour.
As long as this isn't a pattern of excluding spouses, I say send
the on their way with a smile and be glad your not having to
listen to all the old growing up stories and rehashing of the
childhood arguments and reminiscing about how large that tree
they planted would be now.
#Post#: 16169--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: TeamBhakta Date: October 15, 2018, 11:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
The mother in law sounds like a (poop) stirrer. If she didn't
want to cause drama, she would have gone to the DIL and ran it
by her first.
#Post#: 16170--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: lowspark Date: October 15, 2018, 11:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I can't even begin to think of the ramifications of me inviting
my two adult sons on a week long vacation and telling them their
spouses aren't allowed. First of all, neither of them would
accept. Secondly, it would communicate that I don't like their
spouses and that would cause all sorts of animosity and ill
will.
As for whether the wife should keep her mouth shut, well, I
believe in communication so I would at least let my husband know
how I feel about this. It doesn't have to be a
knock-down-drag-out brawl, but at least he should know that she
isn't happy about how this is being done.
I wonder about the husband's sister's spouses. Are they ok with
being specifically excluded?
#Post#: 16171--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: Two Ravens Date: October 15, 2018, 11:32 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I am a military spouse and I find Abby’s advice infuriating.
Yes, spouses are resilient, but generally their partner is off
furthering their career or fighting for a higher cause, not
using up their leave for a pleasure trip the spouse is excluded
from. I am my husband’s wife. Not a distraction.
Not to mention, if the husband is having a difficult
integration, other week away is just going to make it worse, not
better.
#Post#: 16176--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: lmyrs Date: October 15, 2018, 11:55 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I would be OK to a parents and siblings only vacation. My
grandparents did that when I was a child with their daughters
(my mom and her sisters). However, I would not be OK with this.
If I haven't seen my husband for a year, I want several months
before he's off again. I'm not familiar with how American
military deployment works, but how long is he likely home? If
it's less than 1 year, I'm not sure I'd want to be separated for
a week ever. And, if he has children then this is 10 fold for
me.
#Post#: 16181--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: camlan Date: October 15, 2018, 12:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Two Ravens link=topic=740.msg16171#msg16171
date=1539621176]
I am a military spouse and I find Abby’s advice infuriating.
Yes, spouses are resilient, but generally their partner is off
furthering their career or fighting for a higher cause, not
using up their leave for a pleasure trip the spouse is excluded
from. I am my husband’s wife. Not a distraction.
Not to mention, if the husband is having a difficult
integration, other week away is just going to make it worse, not
better.
[/quote]
I'm agreeing with this.
I can understand the mother wanting time with just her kids. I
have no problem with that. But right after her son returns from
deployment? The mother should have waited a few months.
Just because military wives are resilient does mean they don't
have a breaking point. They are expected to give up a lot, deal
with a lot. At some point, they deserve to get what they want
and need.
My mom was a military wife for 30 years. She would not have been
happy at such a plan. But then again, my grandmother would never
have considered inviting Dad without inviting Mom.
#Post#: 16183--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: bigbadbetty Date: October 15, 2018, 12:22 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't think a no-spouses trip is necessarily problematic in
itself. However, I think in this case the timing is poor with
his deployment. I also hate Abby's answer. Just because military
spouses are resilient, it doesn't mean they don't deserve
respect.
My boyfriend did a 2-week trip with his buddies (no
girlfriends/spouses). He went to visit his parents in Florida
without me another year. I was OK with it. However, I am glad he
doesn't do it every year. He has about 2 weeks less of vacation
time from his employer than I do. If he were always going with
his family and/or friends, then it would mean that we couldn't
go on vacation together. (Other vacation time is needed to visit
family across the country.)
Other things that I think you have to keep in mind:
[list type=decimal]
[li]Do you have children, especially if they are at the age
where they are completely dependent[/li]
[li]Do you have a lot of house/yard/pet maintenance that the
remaining spouse will have to do?[/li]
[li]What is this going to cost? Does this mean that you and your
spouse will no longer be able to afford a vacation together?
[/li]
[/list]
#Post#: 16184--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: Model Date: October 15, 2018, 12:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Not quite the same situation as in the OP, but my DH is a
musician and is out on tour often. I definitely not be OK with
him going away on a trip without me when he's already gone so
much.
#Post#: 16191--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Abby: the family-only cruise, post-deployment
By: mime Date: October 15, 2018, 1:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Personally, I think the MIL is being awful. He was just away for
a year on his 4th tour. He has a wife and maybe kids who should
be getting his company. Only after that household has
reintegrated, can MIL look for exclusive time. Even at that
time, two weeks sounds over the top. Maybe my perspective is
shaded by my life: we all have jobs and two weeks vacation is a
huge piece of the free time we get. Nobody outside of our
household gets to claim such a large portion!
I also think that MIL's opportunity for alone-time with her kids
ended when they married... over 25 years ago, according to the
LW.
I know that she must have missed her son and worried about him.
Needing to take him away from home for another two weeks isn't
reasonable. There are many ways she can connect and spend time
with him that don't put such an unfair demand on his wife.
I agree with everyone who didn't like Abby's comment about
resilient military wives. Just because someone has had to be
strong and flexible for a long time, that's neither excuse nor
invitation for others to worsen the burden.
So military wives are resilient. A good mother has to let go of
her kids. This 'kid' is in his mid-40s... maybe instead of LW
showing resilience, the MIL should be letting go?
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page