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#Post#: 15664--------------------------------------------------
disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn't me
an for you to hear?
By: TootsNYC Date: October 8, 2018, 5:32 pm
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In today's Washington Post, there's a story about a cousin
(Orthodox rabbi, though "not practicing," whatever that means)
of the Jewish groom who is marrying a Catholic Bride (neither
member of the couple is particularly religious; a Reformed rabbi
will perform the ceremony) who is not attending the wedding.
HTML https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/ask-amy-family-member-shuns-mixed-faith-wedding/2018/09/29/44bb2a74-bdf5-11e8-be70-52bd11fe18af_story.html?utm_term=.2d06c091180e
The cousin's father told the groom's father (the two dads are
brothers) that had rabbi son won't attend because of the
fixed-faith aspect of it.
The parents of the groom are offended.
One thing I wondered: What if the son only told his dad to get
dad off his back? Did he really want to send that message, or is
Dad blabbing when he shouldn't?
Your thoughts?
#Post#: 15676--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: Hmmm Date: October 8, 2018, 6:41 pm
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I think the father should have kept his mouth shut. I can see 2
reason's the brother shared the information.
- The father told his son's reason for not attending is because
he also doesn't approve of the interfaith wedding. There might
also be some sibling one upmanship as motive by basically
conveying "My good Jewish Rabbi son can't attend the wedding of
your lax and un-practicing son."
Or
- The father was embarrassed that his son was not attending and
not acknowledging the wedding of his cousin and told his brother
the truth, either hoping the family might excuse his son's
behavior due to faith Or was sharing so the family had the
appropriate knowledge and could decide how they wanted to
interact with his son.
But even if I am being generous and going with the second
option, I still don't think it does any good to share the
information.
#Post#: 15681--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: Rose Red Date: October 8, 2018, 7:06 pm
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I would want to know. I like knowing what I'm dealing with.
#Post#: 15686--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: mime Date: October 8, 2018, 7:26 pm
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I'd also want to know, for the same reason as Rose Red. If I was
part of the HC, it wouldn't necessarily be a relationship-ender
for me, just something good to understand in that relationship.
Ideally the cousin would express his reasons himself. It seems
that is his news to share. If he didn't want his reasons known,
he should have told his dad to keep quiet.
I wonder about the tone of the conversation. Was it stated in a
holier-than-thou way with a hint of condemnation, or was it an
apologetic explanation that witnessing the wedding would not be
honoring his faith? That would make a difference. We don't know
how the message was delivered.
The parents of the groom are admittedly not religious, so either
way they might receive the message as especially offensive (or
at least very hard to understand) that their nephew won't
violate his conscious to attend the wedding.
Ending the relationship with him seems extreme to me, but if
their values and their nephew's values are so different that
they can't abide each others' behavior, then they're probably
better off with limited contact. :-\
#Post#: 15687--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: guest657 Date: October 8, 2018, 7:33 pm
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Its nice that the HC invited all the cousins regardless of their
likelihood of attending, but Im surprised anyone who knows
anything about Orthodox Judaism, or about the history of the
Catholic Church in regards to Judaism, would expect an Orthodox
Rabbi to attend in the first place.
I wouldn't expect a clergyman of any traditional/fundamentalist
Christian denomination to attend a Pagan handfasting. Or a
conservative Imam to go to a wedding where men & women would be
dancing together.
If the groom's parents are sensitive about the religious
differences in the family, then it was tactless for the uncle to
mention it. But assuming the cousin sent a proper RSVP and/or a
gift, then the cousin did nothing wrong.
It is not rude to have religious beliefs and conduct your life
accordingly. And it's not rude to discuss your thoughts and
feelings with your own parents, where there is zero chance of
the people concerned overhearing you.
The uncle may have been trying to make a dig at his brother -
which would be rude. Or he may have been trying to excuse the
cousin's absence, but it wasn't well received. That would be
unfortunate, but not rude.
#Post#: 15689--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: Two Ravens Date: October 8, 2018, 7:47 pm
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[quote author=Anon4Now link=topic=726.msg15687#msg15687
date=1539045190]
If the groom's parents are sensitive about the religious
differences in the family, then it was tactless for the uncle to
mention it. But assuming the cousin sent a proper RSVP and/or a
gift, then the cousin did nothing wrong.
[/quote]
The letter stated the RVSP was over a week late. And I doubt the
cousin would send a gift. That would signify approval, wouldn’t
it?
#Post#: 15690--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: Hmmm Date: October 8, 2018, 7:50 pm
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[quote author=Anon4Now link=topic=726.msg15687#msg15687
date=1539045190]
Its nice that the HC invited all the cousins regardless of their
likelihood of attending, but Im surprised anyone who knows
anything about Orthodox Judaism, or about the history of the
Catholic Church in regards to Judaism, would expect an Orthodox
Rabbi to attend in the first place.
I wouldn't expect a clergyman of any traditional/fundamentalist
Christian denomination to attend a Pagan handfasting. Or a
conservative Imam to go to a wedding where men & women would be
dancing together.
If the groom's parents are sensitive about the religious
differences in the family, then it was tactless for the uncle to
mention it. But assuming the cousin sent a proper RSVP and/or a
gift, then the cousin did nothing wrong.
It is not rude to have religious beliefs and conduct your life
accordingly. And it's not rude to discuss your thoughts and
feelings with your own parents, where there is zero chance of
the people concerned overhearing you.
The uncle may have been trying to make a dig at his brother -
which would be rude. Or he may have been trying to excuse the
cousin's absence, but it wasn't well received. That would be
unfortunate, but not rude.
[/quote]
In the article, it states the cousin sent the RSVP a week late
and did not send a card or any other acknowledgement of the
wedding.
In reading it doesn't sound like it came across as just a "well,
as an orthodox Rabbi, he can't attend interfaith marriages, but
I'm sure you understand." If the cousin is of a branch that does
forbid it's rabbis from attending interfaith marriages then I
think the parents are over-reacting. Would you cut off a friend
who was Jahovah Witness because they did not attend your
birthday celebration?
#Post#: 15692--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: RubyCat Date: October 8, 2018, 7:59 pm
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It's unfortunate that the grooms family chooses to see this as
snubbing.
When my Catholic uncle married my Protestant aunt back in the
1950's in a Baptist church (gasp! 🙄), they didn't even
invite my father to the wedding because they knew my very devout
grandmother would have fits. My dad was disappointed but
understood. There were no hard feelings, it's just (the way I
understand it) that Catholics, at that time were not supposed to
attend non-Catholic services. I see this as very much the same.
It may not be a sign of disapproval at all, just religious
rules.
#Post#: 15699--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: guest657 Date: October 8, 2018, 9:10 pm
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Okay, I just re-read the letter.
The rabbi "didn't put the word out." There's no indication that
he had any sort of discussion with his dad (groom's uncle) about
his reasons at all. The uncle just said (apparently under his
own steam) that the nephew couldn't attend because of his
religious rules.
The nephew did send regrets. They arrived late, but that is
hardly something to take offense at unless you're just looking
for offense. There is no manners requirement to send a gift for
a wedding you decline.
The letter is from the groom's mom. She's just mad and looking
for something to make a stink about. She's upset that her nephew
"chose his religious beliefs over his family"?
Uh, yeah. That's what it means to be religious: that you follow
your beliefs even if other people don't like it. She doesn't
seem to understand that just because she isn't religious, other
people are allowed to be, and it's not a personal slight.
For starters, was the reception going to be cooked and served in
an OU kosher facility? If half the guests are Catholic, probably
not. Orthodox Kosher goes way, way beyond "no bacon, thanks."
From what I can see in a quick search, Orthodox Jews aren't even
supposed to attend services in a Conservative synagogue, much
less Reform or interfaith.
#Post#: 15715--------------------------------------------------
Re: disapproving of an interfaith marriage--but what if he didn'
t mean for you to hear?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: October 9, 2018, 9:25 am
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I would be looking at my relationship prior to this news. If
previously we had a good relationship with both my BIL and
nephew, I would probably attempt to accept the news as being
nephew's faith. He has not (up to this point) made any
indications that he plans to do anything beyond not attending
the wedding. I would accept the news the same as if I heard that
he would not be attending because he wanted to stay home and
have a movie marathon. (I would be disappointed, but not worthy
of causing a family war over.) In other words, if nephew has
previously not been intentionally hurtful, I would assume that
the message was not meant for me.
Now, if this relationship was less than ideal or even toxic, I
might act differently. If this section of the family is always
disapproving of my family's decisions (especially if in a public
manner), I would question what I get from maintaining this
relationship. The answer may make me to decide to cool things a
bit.
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