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#Post#: 15310--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: guest657 Date: October 3, 2018, 10:30 pm
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[quote author=nuit93 link=topic=715.msg15303#msg15303
date=1538618812]
[quote author=bopper link=topic=715.msg15249#msg15249
date=1538582558]
There is a great website called outofthefog.net that has a
discussion board for dealing with various toxic relatives.
Yes, you can:
-Continue as you are
-Be a grey rock (that is, be boring..."What are you doing?" "Not
much, how about you." "Are you still doing that college thing"
"All is well, what about those Dodgers".
-Go Very Very Low contact (perhaps send a Xmas card)
-Go No contact
You are in control of this. You can decide what level you want.
Who initiates these calls? If you, stop.
If him, don't answer each one. Wait a bit and call back at your
convenience.
I think at least stop initiating contact and put him on an
information diet about your life.
[/quote]
I've basically been a "grey rock" for most of my adult life and
frankly it still feels like too much. I used to call him back
whenever I saw a missed call from him because I worried he'd
start harassing my sister if I didn't, but now I'm thinking I
need to put some space in there.
[/quote]
Yeah, it sounds like your sister has no problem cutting him off
when she wants to. Though if you mean "harassing" in the
threatening sense, and think that's a possibility, it might be
good to warn her. But all the more reason to stop communicating
with him, if you think he's that big a creep.
#Post#: 15318--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: lakey Date: October 4, 2018, 2:31 am
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Him:
I feel sorry for him. He sounds like he has no idea how to have
a normal, healthy conversation with his adult daughter. There
are people who just don't understand that they are causing their
own difficulties. When he tells you that he has a right to ask
you about things because he is your father, it sounds like he
WANTS to be a father, but doesn't have a clue how to go about
it. You've tried to communicate with him, and it doesn't seem to
do any good. His making comments pushing you to "have babies" is
weird. I had very traditional parents, but they never would have
made comments like that. Having a child is an enormous
commitment. Even your parent has no business trying to pressure
you about it. This really is sad.
You:
You will be fine. You are able to set goals for yourself, and do
what needs to be done to accomplish them. You have good
relationships with the people close to you. By the way, it is
really common to be socially awkward at twelve and on into high
school. There are tons of movies with that theme, because so
many of us went through it. Like most other socially awkward
teens, you matured and made a good life for yourself, that suits
your personality. You have people around you who give you the
emotional support you need. If your bio father gets in the way
of your emotional well being, then you should do what you have
to do. Perhaps say something like, "I have a lot on my plate
right now, between the new job and the classwork, so I won't be
able to have phone conversations with you. The conversations
have been too stressful for me. Have a good life." If you don't
want to say this on the phone, you could write him a letter.
Sorry you're going through this, but he really does sound like a
sad case.
#Post#: 15330--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: Chez Miriam Date: October 4, 2018, 7:53 am
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I remembered something I used to say to my mum, when I got fed
up of fending off the same criticisms: "meh! Bad genes or bad
upbringing, either way, I blame the parents."
Took a few repetitions before she twigged what I was saying, but
responding to "you are inherently wrong" with "that's your
fault" got her off my back.
Now, we have a much better relationship, but that took years of
guilt and silently-replaced-handsets on my part.
Stay strong, and keep that spine shiny - you need to protect
yourself before you worry about your sister, but from what
you've written, sounds like she's doing a shiny job herself. A
heads up that you are following her lead is all you need to do.
#Post#: 15343--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: viviennebzb Date: October 4, 2018, 10:46 am
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What "good" would you be missing if you cut this person off
completely? Anything??
You don't have to make a big production of dropping someone from
your life.
Silence is a powerful response. Just drop the rope. He'll figure
it out, or not, whatever.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's him, not you, OP.
#Post#: 15376--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: BeagleMommy Date: October 4, 2018, 3:12 pm
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OP, what are you getting from your father other than the same
sort of criticism you got as a child?
You don't need to deal with this person just because he is
genetically related to you.
By the way, one of the students in my department is 87. Going
for her master's. Never too late.
#Post#: 15415--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: GardenGal Date: October 4, 2018, 7:56 pm
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If this helps... My brother and I live on opposite sides of the
country. We've never had much in common besides our parents,
and never got along well or were close when we were kids. Since
my mom died 22 years ago (our dad died about 4 years before
that), which was the last time he and I were together in person,
we've fallen into a routine that works really well for us. We
call each other once a year - he calls me in the winter on my
birthday, I call him in the summer on his birthday. We spend
half an hour or more on the phone catching up and that's it for
the next 6 months. Honestly, this works well for us, we don't
have any major disagreements, there are no bad feelings, we just
don't have much of a connection and never have. I'll probably
see him next spring if/when I'm back on the east coast again,
but I'm not going out of my way very much to make that happen.
Which is to say - you need to work out whatever kind of
arrangement works best for you, and don't worry about how other
families handle their own arrangements. Also, no matter how
close or supportive you wish your bio-dad is/was, it sounds like
that isn't going to happen.
#Post#: 15498--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: TootsNYC Date: October 5, 2018, 10:33 pm
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Just this very evening I was reading a piece of advice over at
CaptainAwkward.com about just taking a break from a verbally
abusive/hurtful grandparent.
The advice was to just take a break. You don't have to make any
big decisions, and you don't have to make any big
pronouncements--just take the winter off. Then see how it goes.
The other suggestion was to switch from phone calls to cards.
That lets you keep in superficial contact, but it controls the
content and length of the conversation. (These grandparents
weren't the ones reaching out, it was the grandkid who made all
the effort.)
In your case, he actually calls you, but if you made those calls
shorter--don't you have to wash the kitten?--he might call less
often.
Also, maybe writing him a letter (w/ only stuff that's
superficial, and nothing related to school, or to anything else
that's sort of important to you) might head off some of that
urge to call and quiz you. And if he DID call, the letter might
frame the topics he talked about.
Remember that you are not required to tell him anything
substantive about your life, or your heart, or your mind. He
doesn't honor that. So he's not entitled to it anymore.
You can choose what you want
I had a friend whose mother was an absolute witch. I didn't
believe my friend until I finally met the woman--she would
attach her daughter on every single topic that ever came up. It
made me realize why she would say, when I asked what she'd been
up to, she'd say, "Oh, this and that."
It was like pulling teeth to get her to say anything of
substance. How's work? "Oh, you know, it goes." Seen any good
movies? "A few, you know."
I had a friend I wanted to drift away from, but I didn't want to
have a big "I'm rejecting you" conversation. I started telling
her, when she called, "I'm sorry, I only have 10 minutes; I have
to start cooking dinner / go get the laundry / leave for the
doctor's." And then I'd set a timer, and I'd work to keep the
convo focused on the specific reason she called.
I was friendly and regretful, but I got off the phone.
So there are some tactics for you.
#Post#: 15499--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: nuit93 Date: October 5, 2018, 10:35 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=715.msg15498#msg15498
date=1538796789]
I had a friend I wanted to drift away from, but I didn't want to
have a big "I'm rejecting you" conversation. I started telling
her, when she called, "I'm sorry, I only have 10 minutes; I have
to start cooking dinner / go get the laundry / leave for the
doctor's." And then I'd set a timer, and I'd work to keep the
convo focused on the specific reason she called.
I was friendly and regretful, but I got off the phone.
So there are some tactics for you.
[/quote]
The frustrating thing is...I've told him "I have a class in X
minutes", or "I have several more hours of homework to do
tonight" and he still hasn't taken the hint.
#Post#: 15502--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: TootsNYC Date: October 5, 2018, 10:51 pm
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[quote author=nuit93 link=topic=715.msg15499#msg15499
date=1538796945]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=715.msg15498#msg15498
date=1538796789]
I had a friend I wanted to drift away from, but I didn't want to
have a big "I'm rejecting you" conversation. I started telling
her, when she called, "I'm sorry, I only have 10 minutes; I have
to start cooking dinner / go get the laundry / leave for the
doctor's." And then I'd set a timer, and I'd work to keep the
convo focused on the specific reason she called.
I was friendly and regretful, but I got off the phone.
So there are some tactics for you.
[/quote]
The frustrating thing is...I've told him "I have a class in X
minutes", or "I have several more hours of homework to do
tonight" and he still hasn't taken the hint.
[/quote]
You do not need to wait for him to take the hint.
Say goodbye, hang up.
You don't need permission from him to end the phone call. You
have agency here. You have power. You are the only authority
over your time.
Hang up.
Say goodbye first, but don't want for him to agree. And yes, if
he's still talking, hang up in t=he middle of his sentence. It
will be good for him to realize that you mean it.
I had a roommate who would call me at work during the day, which
was fine, but it needed to be short. And sometimes people would
come in my office and I'd need to get off the phone, so I'd say,
"I've got to go," and she'd start the "winding up" of recapping
what we'd said, and saying, "I'll see you at home."
So one day, I just hung up on her. That night, I told her, "I
mean it--you have to hang up right away--my boss is at my
elbow!" She did from then on.
If your dad complains that you hung up on him, just scoff at him
goodnaturedly. "I didn't hang up on you, Dad. I said goodbye.
you just wouldn't stop talking and say goodbye back. I had to
go. Sorry if that seemed abrupt, but next time you'll need to
end the call at the same time so I don't have to."
HE IS IN THE WRONG if he doesn't participate in hanging up
when you've said, "I've got to go--goodbye!" Don't let him make
you think otherwise.
#Post#: 15503--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not sure if I should go full no-contact with my parental uni
t
By: TootsNYC Date: October 5, 2018, 10:55 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Basically, stop trying to fix him. Stop trying to fix the
relationship.
He is who he is--and frustrating though that might be, and
hurtful though it might be, he's entitled to be himself.
That DOESN'T mean you have to put up with it.
Live your boundaries (not his). Don't talk about them; don't
wait for other people to decide they're going to honor them.
Just live them.
No one else is required to LIKE your boundaries. And you can't
force them to respect your boundaries--or, the only way to force
them to respect your boundaries is to ENforce your boundaries.
You don't like it when he talks about school like that? Hang up
on him. "Dad, I don't like it when you make disparaging comments
about my going back to school. I'm hanging up now. Goodbye."
>click<
He's hanging on the phone and you need to leave? "I can't talk
anymore Dad, I've got to go, or I'm going to be late. Goodbye!"
leave a moment for him to say, "oh, well goodbye." If he keeps
talking, interrupt him and say, "Goodbye, Dad. Talk to you next
time." >click<
Don't wait for agreement. Don't wait for permission.
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