DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life in General
*****************************************************
#Post#: 14786--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: September 28, 2018, 6:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Twik link ---
>
> This is one of these situations where I just need to hear I'm
not being a heartless, um, whatever.
>
> I mentioned this in an earlier thread. A man who, many years
ago ghosted me and left me to go through significant angst,
called me up a couple of months ago at 2 am. He wanted to "touch
base" again. I told him maybe we'd talk at a reasonable time,
which was a way of getting rid of him until I was awake enough
to be coherent.
>
> So, he started to phone. I'd figured out that I had no
interest in renewing the relationship, but didn't want the drama
of it, so just kept missing his calls, not returning his
messages. What he'd done to me, basically, but I had sense
enough to realize after about 3 or 4 calls that he didn't want
to hear from me.
>
> He's been calling 2 or 3 times *a week* since the first call.
Finally, he faked me out by *calling from a pay phone.* I didn't
even know they were around. So, while I tried to say I didn't
want to renew the acquaintance, he wouldn't. stop. talking.
He's sorry there would have been any hard feelings. His mother
died shortly before he started calling, and he's feeling a bit
lonely. Surely getting together for coffee wouldn't be too much
to ask? My "no" didn't seem to get through to him.
>
> I do not want to do this. I'm sorry that his parents have
passed away, but mine did during the period we had no contact,
and I didn't have his support. And seriously, this refusal to
realize I'm not interested is alarming.
>
> So, I'm not a horrible person if I just go back to never
picking up the phone or answering his messages? Because saying
"no" didn't seem to work. He just keeps going about why we
should get together again, and other than yelling it, or
skywriting it, or something, he's not hearing me.
>
--- End Quote ---
He called you at 2am, called multiple times a week when you
weren't answering, and is apparently either talking over you or
ignoring what you say since you said he wouldn't get off the
line. None of these are normal, polite, socially acceptable
behaviors. He is already violating the normal, default social
boundaries.
He is also deliberately violating your own specific personal
boundaries. He called you from a payphone when you ignored his
calls, so he recognizes that you are avoiding talking to him. He
tries to tell you what is or is not "too much to ask" from you,
so he recognizes that you don't want to meet. He goes on and on
about why you should get back together, so he recognizes that
you are not eager to reconnect (or you wouldn't need
convincing). He is not failing to hear your "no"! He hears it
loud and clear or he wouldn't be jumping through all these hoops
to try to badger you into the answer he wants!
You are not being heartless--you're being overly considerate of
someone who is being extremely inconsiderate of you!
Next time he calls, I'd pick up one last time to directly tell
him to stop contacting you, and basically treat him like a
telemarketer. Tell him as soon as you're on the phone that you
do not want to talk and that he needs to stop contacting you. If
he tries to interrupt, don't yield the "floor"--talk louder and
finish saying your piece. If he respects that boundary (and
hopefully apologizes) and gets off the phone, great. If he
argues or otherwise keeps talking, then say goodbye and hang up
whether he's done or not--you're not obligated to be his captive
audience until he decides he's done talking at you. If he keeps
harassing you after he's been clearly told to leave you alone,
then he's behaving like a stalker and should be handled as such,
including going to the police if necessary. This isn't "lonely"
behavior; it's creepy, boundary-trampling behavior.
#Post#: 14788--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: September 28, 2018, 7:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Ghosting means disappearing without a word leaving the other
person wondering. You told him you weren't interested. There's
nothing to wonder about. He's trying to wear you down and that's
creepy.
Block him. Don't answer numbers you don't recognize and invest
in voicemail if you don't already have it.
#Post#: 14794--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: gmatoy
Date: September 28, 2018, 8:59 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You have been given lovely advise. Here is mine in support of
you and the advise you have been given: Polish up your spine to
a near blinding shine! You can do it! We are rooting for you.
#Post#: 14811--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Mel the Redcap
Date: September 29, 2018, 5:48 am
---------------------------------------------------------
*\o/* — me cheering Twik on with pompoms!
I’d say you have no obligation to be polite any more. Two am?!
Talking over you?! Telling you what is and isn’t “too much to
ask”?! Oh heck no! Honestly, Twik, in your place, the next time
he called I would yell.
“Shut up! I said no! Do not call me again, ever!” *hangs up*
#Post#: 14816--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: September 29, 2018, 9:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
It's an awful reflection on the way women are trained to think
and behave in our society, that a man can act like this and a
reasonable woman can react by asking herself 'Is it heartless of
me not to want anything to do with this creepy jerk?' instead of
yelling down the phone "GET OFF THE LINE AND GET BACK OUT OF MY
LIFE, YOU ***** !!!" without a qualm. :o :o :o
(Just to make clear: I absolutely don't mean to cast any
nasturtiums at you, Twik. Gender conditioning is massively
powerful.)
#Post#: 14825--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Lula
Date: September 29, 2018, 10:19 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: gramma dishes link ---
>
> You aren't being heartless. If you were being heartless
you'd be enjoying ghosting him and you're not.
>
--- End Quote ---
Even if she were enjoying herself, I wouldn't call that
heartless. Defending boundaries can be gratifying, and I think,
for many, much of the anxiety comes from wanting to enjoy it and
feeling one shouldn't.
#Post#: 14830--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: September 29, 2018, 11:41 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree to tell him one more time “not interested,” but I would
make it as clear as I possibly could: “Listen, (expletive of
choice), you don’t get to (bleeping) ghost me and come back when
convenient for you. Get (bleeping) lost and never contact me
again!” Or something like that.
Sometimes, one has to get angry and unleash it to get the point
across. Some people mistake politeness for weakness, however,
no one wants to be around an angry, cussing person. At this
point, you don’t care what he thinks of you, so let him have it
with both barrels.
#Post#: 14836--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: mime
Date: September 29, 2018, 2:07 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You're not mean or heartless! You are pursuing a different goal
in this relationship than him: he wants to restart something and
you want to leave it as "over". Not at all rude to have
conflicting goals. Not rude at all to pursue them, as long as it
is done respectfully and one knows when to give up.
It sounds like you have gone about it in a kind way-- not being
abusive/hurtful, and respecting boundaries. It sounds like he
*hasn't*. He is the mean one here.
You would also not be cruel or heartless to be more insistent.
You've used gentle phrasing-- "I don't think it is a good
idea... I'm not interested..." It is a thoughtful and kind way
to let down a reasonable person. It is a totally ineffective way
to let down an unreasonable person. I like the strongly-worded
suggestions here; they get at your will and your actions rather
than your thoughts: "I will not talk to you anymore" "I am done
with this relationship," etc. They sound more final to the
listener.
I'd also stay away from talking about feelings or the past.
Don't remind him that you were once vested enough in a
relationship with him to be hurt by his behavior.
As for the grief he's going through now: if your relationship
ended a few years back, he should have some friends or family
that he's connected with in the mean time, right? Some people
who are already part of his life that can be supportive for him?
Maybe he senses that you'd be a better empathizer than whoever
he has available, but relationships don't work that way-- he
removed you from consideration when he ended things. Leave him
to rely on the friends and resources that he already has.
Cheering for you from the US-Midwest.
#Post#: 14837--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: September 29, 2018, 2:24 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote ---
> I told him "I don't think meeting up is a good idea." I told
him "I don't do Chapter 2s." I told him "You made me quite
unhappy once, and I'm not interested in that again."
>
> It didn't sink in. As I said, he just kept talking, saying
"I'm sorry about that, but..."
--- End Quote ---
You've gotten some great advice about ignoring and responding to
this guy, but I don't think you've been nearly direct enough
with him. Keep ignoring his calls and, if you happen to pick up
a call from him because it is from a number you don't recognize,
feel free to say, as soon as he starts talking and continuing
even if he keeps on talking, in as loud a voice as possible,
"Listen you S.O.B., you're a pathetic creep for calling and
harassing me, and if you try this again I'm giving your name and
contact information to the police. I've repeatedly told you
that I want nothing to do with you. Now stop being a whiner and
a loser and pull yourself together and get the h.e.l.l. out of
my life permanently." And follow through on contacting the
police if he calls you again. He's not someone you want
anywhere near your life.
You deserve much better than this creep.
#Post#: 14838--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: pierrotlunaire0
Date: September 29, 2018, 2:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
In the first stage of your relationship, he was inconsiderate
and cruel. He left you hanging, wondering what had happened.
Not a nice person.
In this stage, he is refusing to listen to you. "Yes, I'm
sorry, but I am lonely." He calls at 2 am? He calls from a pay
phone to circumvent your ignoring him? This is a creepy person.
Years ago, I had a jerk calling me, in spite of my telling him,
"No, sorry," numerous times. Finally, I had had enough. This
was long before caller ID, so I never knew who was on the other
end. I had to answer (didn't have an answering machine either).
If it was him, I said, "Sorry, can't talk." And I would
immediately hang up. It took a week, but he either finally got
the message, or another victim. But he stopped.
He is lonely, and has no one to turn to but you? Like pjeans
said, if it has been a few years, how come he has no one, no
friends, no other family? He probably treated them as poorly as
he treated you. If you want to have friends, you have to treat
people fairly, and this man is full of Me-me-me!, and he is
reaping what he sowed.
*****************************************************
Page 2 of 6
DIR Previous Page
DIR Next Page