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#Post#: 14762--------------------------------------------------
The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Twik
Date: September 28, 2018, 3:01 pm
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This is one of these situations where I just need to hear I'm
not being a heartless, um, whatever.
I mentioned this in an earlier thread. A man who, many years ago
ghosted me and left me to go through significant angst, called
me up a couple of months ago at 2 am. He wanted to "touch base"
again. I told him maybe we'd talk at a reasonable time, which
was a way of getting rid of him until I was awake enough to be
coherent.
So, he started to phone. I'd figured out that I had no interest
in renewing the relationship, but didn't want the drama of it,
so just kept missing his calls, not returning his messages. What
he'd done to me, basically, but I had sense enough to realize
after about 3 or 4 calls that he didn't want to hear from me.
He's been calling 2 or 3 times *a week* since the first call.
Finally, he faked me out by *calling from a pay phone.* I didn't
even know they were around. So, while I tried to say I didn't
want to renew the acquaintance, he wouldn't. stop. talking.
He's sorry there would have been any hard feelings. His mother
died shortly before he started calling, and he's feeling a bit
lonely. Surely getting together for coffee wouldn't be too much
to ask? My "no" didn't seem to get through to him.
I do not want to do this. I'm sorry that his parents have passed
away, but mine did during the period we had no contact, and I
didn't have his support. And seriously, this refusal to realize
I'm not interested is alarming.
So, I'm not a horrible person if I just go back to never picking
up the phone or answering his messages? Because saying "no"
didn't seem to work. He just keeps going about why we should get
together again, and other than yelling it, or skywriting it, or
something, he's not hearing me.
#Post#: 14763--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Jem
Date: September 28, 2018, 3:09 pm
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I would block him in all ways possible at this point. Do not
give him any more space in your head or life. Alternatively, be
very blunt with him: "Please hear me. I am not going to get
coffee with you, and I am not interested in rekindling any sort
of relationship or friendship with you at this point. I wish you
well, but please do not contact me again." And then block him,
etc.
#Post#: 14766--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: September 28, 2018, 3:23 pm
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You aren't being heartless. If you were being heartless you'd
be enjoying ghosting him and you're not.
Just keep on ignoring him by any avenue he attempts to use.
Eventually he'll probably remember some other old flame from his
past and start calling her instead.
#Post#: 14767--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Jem
Date: September 28, 2018, 3:35 pm
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--- Quote from: gramma dishes link ---
>
> You aren't being heartless. If you were being heartless
you'd be enjoying ghosting him and you're not.
>
> Just keep on ignoring him by any avenue he attempts to use.
Eventually he'll probably remember some other old flame from his
past and start calling her instead.
>
--- End Quote ---
I re-read the OP and kinda remember the previous post about
this. I agree to ignore him from all avenues, but I am not
certain that the OP has been clear with this person that she
does not want further contact. So, I think that the OP will get
a better result if she is blunt and clear and tells him in no
uncertain terms that she wants no further contact. "Ghosting"
implies fading away without discussion or statement or reason.
That isn't this.
#Post#: 14771--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Twik
Date: September 28, 2018, 4:31 pm
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I told him "I don't think meeting up is a good idea." I told him
"I don't do Chapter 2s." I told him "You made me quite unhappy
once, and I'm not interested in that again."
It didn't sink in. As I said, he just kept talking, saying "I'm
sorry about that, but..."
I get it. His last remaining parent has died, and he's lonely.
But he's left it long enough that I had concluded I'd actually
dodged a bullet by being dropped. That being with him would have
been pretty dreary, all in all. So I don't think a "let's get
together just for old time's sake" drink would be in my best
interests.
#Post#: 14772--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Jem
Date: September 28, 2018, 4:39 pm
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From your posts here, I sense you are struggling with actually
cutting this person out of your life. I sense this person also
senses this. So I do recommend that you be honest with yourself
and with him. If you really do not want contact with him, be
direct and then have no further contact with him. No need for
any further rationalizing or discussion.
If you are wavering in whether you want to continue having him
pursue you, then consider that. But if you are coming across to
HIM as wavering and somehow maybe wanting him in your life (not
that you are, but I can see him getting this impression) I doubt
he will go away.
#Post#: 14773--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: RubyCat
Date: September 28, 2018, 4:51 pm
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I know he's somebody you once cared about and you don't want to
hurt him but you need to make it clear that you're not
interested and he is not to call you again. Repeatedly calling
you and then calling you from a payphone is creepy. I'd tell
him in very clear language to stop calling. And if he didn't,
I'd actually consider letting the police tell him the same.
It's not heartless. Creepy people depend on us not wanted to
make them feel bad. Don't let him use your kind heart against
you.
#Post#: 14775--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: September 28, 2018, 5:05 pm
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You are not a horrible person. I agree that it is ok to block
his number and if he does somehow get in touch, be blunt and
tell him you have no interest in having any contact with him.
#Post#: 14776--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: guest657
Date: September 28, 2018, 5:13 pm
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You're not heartless. He's being obnoxious and creepy. He
obviously knows you don't want to talk to him, because he
deliberately tricked you by calling from an unknown number.
He is choosing to use deception to weasel past your boundaries.
There is no misunderstanding or ignorance there. He had to go
out of his way to do that. That is bad behavior.
If you want to, or if you get caught out by accident again, it
could be useful to say flatly, "I said no. Stop calling me and
don't try to contact me again."
But you have no obligation to do so. You said no already. He
heard you, he's deliberately ignoring your wishes. Block him
everywhere.
Since he's already circumvented your "no" once, it would be a
good idea to tell someone IRL that this is happening, and
document any further contact.
Best wishes! I hope he quickly vanishes back into the hole he
crawled out of.
#Post#: 14781--------------------------------------------------
Re: The Return of the Ghost, or, Can I Keep Pretending I'm Dead?
DIR By: Dazi
Date: September 28, 2018, 5:40 pm
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I'm going to give you the best piece of advice I've ever gotten
regarding an annoying ex...
Change your number. Make it unlisted. Don't look back.
Yes, it's an annoyance in and of itself, but it's also very
freeing.
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