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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 14303--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: September 21, 2018, 10:10 am
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--- Quote from: lmyrs link ---
>
> [quote author=MOM21SON link=topic=694.msg14289#msg14289
date=1537508873]
> After rereading the OP, she is only asking about who should
pay, not about her DD and BF. I'm just as guilty for including
that in my response.
>
> So maybe we should all lay off that.
>
--- End Quote ---
But, unfortunately, the fact that she invited 2 extra people has
a definite impact on who should pay.
I would assume that if I invite someone out for a meal, that
either I will pay or we will split the bill. I would not invite
someone out under the assumption that they would pay for me as
their guest. That's not how invitations work. But, the OP
received an invitation, decided she was the host, and then
invited 2 additional people.
[/quote]
While I agree that we have made the point about the extra guests
(although, as I previously stated, I am not sure that it is as
big of deal with some family dynamics), I do think it effected
my answer. Being that the OP did invite them, I think that the
OP should step up and offer to pay the bill. Without this
detail, I would have said that it would be fine to go into the
dinner anticipating to pay half, but ok to accept an offer from
Aunt to pay. And also ok to still offer to pay, too.
#Post#: 14305--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: dani321
Date: September 21, 2018, 10:40 am
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I'm honestly surprised at how many people think it's rude to
invite family along to a family meal. I cannot imagine any
family member coming to town, asking my mom to meet up to eat,
and then getting upset if she invited me and my husband along to
meet relatives we've never met before (assuming she would not
expect the visiting relatives to pay for anyone's meal, that
would be a whole different thing). Most people I know would be
delighted to be able to meet a generation of relatives they'd
never met before. I presume that even if OP hasn't seen these
relatives in a long time, they are not toxic people nor are they
so rigid about rules that they wouldn't want to meet their own
great-niece, or OP 1. wouldn't be very excited to meet up with
them and 2. wouldn't care to have her daughter meet them in the
first place. I agree that giving them a head's up that you
invited your daughter, like "I hope it's okay, I invited DD and
her BF to eat with us, I really wanted her to meet you!" would
be a good idea just in case. If they actually get upset about
it, well that would inform my decision about whether I even want
to see them or for how long.
As far as the actual question that was asked, I do agree that in
most cases, the Aunt would be "host" since she invited OP, but I
would never expect them to pay for my meal if I were OP, whether
or not I'd invited others along, but they may offer. I would
also probably offer to pay for theirs, just to be nice and since
you're picking the restaurant. Definitely since you invited your
daughter and BF along, strongly offer to pay, or as someone else
mentioned, make arrangements to pay beforehand so they can't
argue with it when the bill comes.
I have aunts and uncles that I haven't seen in about 30 years,
although some of them are on social media, so I've "seen" them
there. I would love it if some of them were coming through town
and I got to visit with them! I would also love it if they
brought along another generation of family that I've never met,
and I'm sure they'd love to meet the younger generation as well.
I've never been close to any extended family so this just sounds
awesome to me!
#Post#: 14339--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: Lilac
Date: September 21, 2018, 7:30 pm
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In general, in a non-routine situation like this (that is
unlikely to repeat often) I don't see the question of "who pays"
as so fraught, assuming both parties are equally financially
comfortable.
If it were only jpcher and the elders, in her shoes I would say
"Let's do meet at Phil's Steakhouse -- my treat! They have
marvelous prime rib!" but also OK if she wants to hint at going
Dutch by saying "Sure, let's meet at Phil's Steakhouse, it's a
family favorite and they doa great $29.99 prime rib special
among other beef and seafood" so the other parties can plan
ahead to pay their share. Or, offer two choices -- Phil's and
Jane's Chicken Barn "they do a great breast and fries basket at
$9.99 apiece, if that sounds good to you guys.'
As she has invited two others, I think she definitely should say
"If it's OK with you, DD and her family would like to come, and
we all want to treat you to prime rib at Phil's!" or whatever.
I wouldn't announce the other two without making it clear I was
paying.
Just out of curiosity, have you considered having them to your
home? That would solve the problem and you could control both
the food cost and guest list. A backyard BBQ of chicken and
burgers would be a welcome change from road food, or you could
do a fancier dinner party if you wanted.
#Post#: 14342--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: Hello Ducky
Date: September 21, 2018, 8:01 pm
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I think it makes a difference that OP hasn't seen this aunt and
uncle in 30 years. After an absence like that, I wouldn't
presume to invite someone else along, family or not, without
asking. Conversely, if I were the aunt I wouldn't expect anyone
else tagging along with the person I contacted about getting
together unless I explicitly suggested it.
#Post#: 14361--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: oogyda
Date: September 22, 2018, 11:16 am
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I have family members who bring others (in this case it's her
granddaughter) who weren't invited. Grandma thinks she's
wonderful and can't imagine why GDD1 isn't immediately
everyone's favorite person in the world.
Just to be clear, Grandma does not think this of all her GDDs.
She will try to keep another one out of most things.
I find it difficult to "like" GDD1. I believe some of that
stems from how hard Grandma seems to push her on others. Part
of it is because she was annoying as a child and not much better
as an adult.
I've cut down on the times I meet with the Grandma because I can
rarely be sure that GDD1 won't be included.
#Post#: 14406--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: jpcher
Date: September 23, 2018, 3:29 pm
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My apologies to everyone, I forgot that I posted this
question![emoji35] (<-- is that embarrassed? That's what I
meant.)
However, it's been quite an interesting discussion and I
appreciate everyone's responses! I was tempted to let it
continue without my input, but I believe I owe you some
clarifications.
--- Quote from: lakey link ---
>
> Unless there is reason to distrust these people I would
suspect that they have retired and are doing a bit of traveling
around and meeting up with people. When you're working and
perhaps raising children you don't have much time and you lose
touch with people. After you retire you realize that you now
have time to do those things that you have neglected.
>
--- End Quote ---
Lakey -- you hit the nail on the head. I've kept 'in touch' with
Aunt & Uncle (A&U), along with their children's lives, via my
mother. I'm sure my mother has told A&U stories about me and
what was going on with my life through the years.
From my Aunt's email "It is my hope over this next year to visit
my brothers and sisters and as many of our nieces and nephews as
possible."
Even though I completely understand and agree with everybody's
point about inviting DD#2 and BFbob without asking A&U if it
would be okay, my thought to invite them came from the above
quote. They want to visit as many people/relatives as possible.
In my response to them I said that I'm including DD#2 on this
email trail, maybe she and her BFbob will be able to join us as
well. I neglected to say that I included that in my reply in my
OP when I suggested restaurants.
Part of Aunt's response was "And to get to see DD#2--what a
plus!"
As far as who pays? I understand that A&U initiated the get
together but I feel that I'm hosting because it's on my turf. I
suggested the restaurants and times. Does that make sense? Or am
I completely wrong with this. I mean if out-of-towners came to
my area and I agreed to meet with them in my home instead of a
restaurant, I would be the hostess. Right?
In the end . . . my last response from Aunt included "I'll let
you know on Saturday when we get to town." It's Sunday afternoon
and I haven't heard anything yet.
#Post#: 14409--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: September 23, 2018, 5:05 pm
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That additional information changes ... well, pretty much
everything! :)
Yes, especially if you are joined by daughter and bfBob, I think
it would be nice if you at least offered to pay. But don't
fight them too hard if they insist on either them paying their
share and you paying yours or even if they want to pick up the
entire tab. If they really want to and you have no reason to
think it would cause a financial hardship for them, let them do
it and feel good that they were able to 'treat' everyone.
How long were they planning to be in town? Hopefully you'll
hear from them soon.
#Post#: 14422--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: MOM21SON
Date: September 23, 2018, 8:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: oogyda link ---
>
> I have family members who bring others (in this case it's her
granddaughter) who weren't invited. Grandma thinks she's
wonderful and can't imagine why GDD1 isn't immediately
everyone's favorite person in the world.
>
> Just to be clear, Grandma does not think this of all her GDDs.
She will try to keep another one out of most things.
>
> I find it difficult to "like" GDD1. I believe some of that
stems from how hard Grandma seems to push her on others. Part
of it is because she was annoying as a child and not much better
as an adult.
>
> I've cut down on the times I meet with the Grandma because I
can rarely be sure that GDD1 won't be included.
>
--- End Quote ---
I had a friend that ALWAYS included her daughter in our outings.
He DD did not attend school since 5th grade. Much of our
conversation involved how to get the authorities off her back
about DD not attending school. She was too tired, too sick, too
scared, etc, However the daughter was allowed to attend every
social activity created and was very popular due ton having a
"cool" mom" Her daughter is now 20 and just had a baby, got her
GED and is engaged.
#Post#: 14424--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: Amara
Date: September 23, 2018, 8:43 pm
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That's good news. I'm happy they are thrilled to see you and
your daughter (and possibly boyfriend). It couldn't have worked
out better.
[emoji4]
#Post#: 14429--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: September 23, 2018, 9:11 pm
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--- Quote from: Model link ---
>
> The OP was not invited to a party or a hosted dinner. The
aunt was going to be local and suggested they meet. That is
entirely different. I think it is a completely reasonable to
think that if the aunt wanted to see the OP, she would also like
to meet the OP's daughter. In fact, if a relative you hadn't
seen in a long time was going to be in town, I would think it
very strange NOT to include other local relatives.
>
--- End Quote ---
I invited a relative to a hosted, sit-down dinner--and I
-forgot- to specifically invite her husband, daughter and
son-in-law.
Fortunately, she brought her daughter along and said she hoped
that would be OK, since she figured I'd intended her husband,
and it was the same number of people. .
I felt like a doofus that I hadn't specifically invited the
others--and I also felt that she really ought to have said, "my
daughter is local; I know she would love to meet you."
I mean, it was a family gathering for the express purpose of
getting together with family.
I suppose that perhaps I would have only wanted to spend my
time w/ my cousin--but the idea was to get to know one another
after having not seen each other for a couple of decades. Maybe
even 30 years.
So I think jpcher is totally OK to want to include her daughter,
and I think she's probably also a good gauge of her aunt's
reaction. But I would also mention this ahead of time.
A restaurant is different from a hosted dinner in that it's more
expensive, actually, if the aunt was intending to treat.
So I might call and say, "I'd like to include my daughter and
her serious boyfriend," just so the aunt gets some warning.
And then I'd offer to treat, and if they insisted on hosting,
I'd insist on at least splitting it.
My actual assumption with ANY restaurant get-together is that
it's dutch. Someone has to specifically say, "my treat!" before
I assume it is.
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