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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 14147--------------------------------------------------
Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: jpcher
Date: September 19, 2018, 6:01 pm
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My Aunt, that I haven't seen or talked to in 30+ years, sent me
an email asking to meet, along with her DH, for breakfast?
Lunch? Coffee? Early Dinner? Whatever works for me.
I replied with two choices of times (lunch and early dinner)
along with links to the restaurants that I was thinking about.
Lunch would be on the lessor cost side (diner-type) but the
dinner restaurant is up-scale with awesome food, ambience but
pricey.
I extended the invitation to my DD#2 and asked if maybe her
BFbob might be available for the early dinner, because I thought
DD#2 would like to meet them.
I really wanted to add in my response email that they would be
my guests at either place (pay for their meal) but didn't
because I thought that might be tacky (?).
If they came to my home for a meal or coffee or what not this
question would be moot. But, when meeting out-of-town guests at
a restaurant who is responsible for the bill?
I strongly feel that it should fall on me. Treating my guests. I
have absolutely no problem with this but I foresee the argument
from my guests saying "Oh, no, let us get the tab."
What is the best way to handle this situation?
#Post#: 14152--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: browzer11
Date: September 19, 2018, 7:07 pm
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So out of nowhere, your Aunt, after a 30 plus year absence,
suddenly drops you an email?
Maybe I'm cynical, but I wonder what she wants. Are they in town
on business?
I'd meet them at a nice, inexpensive restaurant to see what
their schedule and plans are.
Keep your guard up just in case.
#Post#: 14154--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: September 19, 2018, 7:30 pm
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She's asking to meet you, not vice versa. So how does that make
them your guests?
I too wonder why she suddenly wants to meet with you after not
having seen you or having any real contact even in thirty years!
Because of that, I'm not sure it was wise to extend what in
effect was "their" invitation to you to your daughter and bfBob.
I guess it's a little too late to rethink that part though.
:)
#Post#: 14159--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: AtHomeRose
Date: September 19, 2018, 8:18 pm
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I don’t find anything odd about your aunt contacting you out of
the blue for lunch/dinner/coffee. I am guessing it is just
different families do things differently. In my family it is not
unusual at all for out of contact relatives to get in touch when
they happen to be visiting my city and see about meeting up. I
have had relatives who I only met when I was a little kid; so
have not seen in decades get my contact info form my grandmother
and get in touch to meet up when they happen to be in town.
Usually my grandmother will mention something to me like “Oh
your mom’s cousin “so and so” will be in your city next month I
gave them your email in case they want to meet up”. I always
thought it was nice when it has worked out that we get to see
each other.
As far as who treats who I think that is really situational.
Mostly I have had relatives of the older generation visit in
this manner and they would never let me treat them. The one time
that it was someone of my generation I did do the treating. In
this case your aunt did the first inviting but you did suggest
the restaurant, so I think it is a toss up. You can offer to
treat them or offer to split the bill, but I would not fight to
hard either way.
For inviting you DD and her BF that is a bit trickier, I would
at least mention it to your aunt that your DD and BF will be
around and see if she would like to see them too.
#Post#: 14167--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: MOM21SON
Date: September 19, 2018, 11:22 pm
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I would not be surprised if a long lost relative contacted me to
meet up, I would be excited. I think the restaurant idea is
fine. I would just ask the waitress/waiter for the bill.
I would send a quick note about DD being so excited to meet them
and would it be okay if her and BF attended too.
#Post#: 14168--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: Rho
Date: September 19, 2018, 11:52 pm
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Tell Auntie that DD and BFbob will be joining you. Call
restaurant to make a reservation and leave your credit card info
for payment.
#Post#: 14171--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: lakey
Date: September 20, 2018, 1:15 am
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Unless there is reason to distrust these people I would suspect
that they have retired and are doing a bit of traveling around
and meeting up with people. When you're working and perhaps
raising children you don't have much time and you lose touch
with people. After you retire you realize that you now have time
to do those things that you have neglected.
I don't think that there is any hard and fast rule about who
treats. I would say, "My treat." If they argue, let them pay. I
do think that since you are bringing your daughter and her BF it
would be nice for you to pay.
#Post#: 14172--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: Aleko
Date: September 20, 2018, 3:04 am
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--- Quote ---
> I don't think that there is any hard and fast rule about who
treats. I would say, "My treat." If they argue, let them pay. I
do think that since you are bringing your daughter and her BF it
would be nice for you to pay.
--- End Quote ---
As you have unilaterally included two people in this meal who
they didn't invite (and I agree with others that this is
something you shouldn't have done without at least running it
past them first), it is certainly your duty to try to pre-empt
them by telling the restaurant the bill is all yours, and only
backing down if they really seem genuine in wanting to claim it
off you. Even people who are genuinely delighted to meet another
relative and their significant other, and are able and willing
to pay the whole bill, might feel riled at having their
willingness taken for granted, so you do need to avoid this
impression.
#Post#: 14206--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: bopper
Date: September 20, 2018, 9:54 am
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I can see two scenarios:
1) Aunt is travelling around and would like to meet with you.If
you want to bring DD, I would ask her, would be okay if I bring
DD too.
2) Aunt is on an errand...on behalf of herself or another toxic
relative. She may be a "flying monkey" to try to get you to do
something.
If all is well, and you enjoy her company and are delighted she
called you, I would offer to pay because this person has done
all this travelling to get to you.
If you don't particularly care if you see her then split the
check.
#Post#: 14217--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guests from out of town . . .
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: September 20, 2018, 10:29 am
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The OP has not given us any reason to think of this aunt as
having ulterior motives. Certainly, there are people in this
world who would, but I will trust that the OP has the sense to
recognize and even handle such things.
Being that Aunt asked the OP, I would normally anticipate that
Aunt is paying the bill, although I would arrive at the dinner
fully prepared to pay for my share. I prefer to assume that we
are splitting the bill than to assume that someone is paying
when they have not said so. Being that it was not explicitly
stated within the invitation, I think it would have been fine to
reply, "Yes, we would love that! I would like to suggest X and Y
restaurants. It would be my treat." I think it would be equally
fair to make an announcement when the group is reviewing the
menu. "I would really like this to be my treat, so please feel
free to order whatever you want." I also think it would be fine
that when the check arrives you also make that announcement.
Aunt may push back at any point, but I would find none of this
"dance" to be inappropriate.
As far as inviting others, yeah... I agree that that may have
stepped a line. With family, it can be more acceptable, although
if I had not seen someone in 30 years, I would probably stick to
the most polite avenue. I would probably mention to Aunt now
that DD and BFbob would like to meet them and if it was ok to
include them. And when bringing that up, I would offer to treat
the whole meal, as you are adding to the guest list. Aunt may
think it's a great idea to include them and still push back
about the bill, but I think that this would be the most polite
way to go.
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