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#Post#: 13481--------------------------------------------------
Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: Despedina Date: September 11, 2018, 11:19 am
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This last weekend my mother and 3 sisters (and a 4yo neice who
didn't have a caretaker) went on an out of state trip for mom's
60th birthday which had been planned for the better part of a
year. I got along with all my sisters pretty well when I was
wondering if one of them would cause drama, but I was very
surprised to see how my mother acted for pretty much the entire
4 day weekend. She has acted this way in the past (demeaning,
just plain mean) and at one point I stopped speaking to her for
a year. After that she got "nicer" and was almost a pleasure to
have around. The only thing I can see differently from this
weekend is there were no husbands along (not hers or ours) and
this seemed to affect her behavior in the negative. I got the
brunt of the abuse because I was driving and she was riding in
my car in the front since it was most comfortable and we did a
LOT of driving. Her behavior consisted of the following:
Calling me anorexic more than once (I lost a lot of weight
recently and am conscious of my food choices and how often I eat
and need to be active)
Calling me a money hoarder several times because I would not buy
things and didn't want to eat at overly fancy restaurants for
every meal.
Insulting my 2 sisters' tattoo choices and laughing about it.
Involving a waitress in criticizing said tattoo choices
Taking her top off at a public park where there was a lake and
swimming and causing embarrassment to the rest of us.
Insisting I was prude because I would not change into my
swimsuit without a bathroom/changing room when other people were
around.
Starting several conversations with shop vendors with "I don't
want to insult you but....."
Telling shop vendors how she is the expert on whatever they were
selling and "correcting" them.
Telling me I need a tranquilizer because I don't want to wait
around forever while she gets things together (usually taking 20
min at least and my mother is not disabled)
Insisting that I don't appreciate anything because I was not a
huge fan of some of the modern art at a museum.
Telling made up stories/facts all weekend and telling strangers
(ignorable in the short term but not for 4 days)
Diagnosing some of our children with various conditions (usually
mental)
We had to hold her back from yelling at a man who was idling a
diesel truck nearby because she didn't like the diesel smell and
claimed "she couldn't breathe".
She wanted us to drive her down to the marinas at a large lake
because they had policies of "no fishing" off many of their
rental boats and she wanted to "speak to them" about it and got
angry when we would not.
Insisted on a certain dish for dinner that no restaurant in the
area had (fresh steamed shrimp).
Insisting on the way home (4.5 hr drive) that I needed to turn
my car radio off (because Niece supposedly couldn't hear her
movie in the back seat) and when I wouldn't she tried to mess
with it herself (I stopped her).
Covering her mouth and whispering things to whoever was closest
when she didn't like what one of us were doing and laughing.
Twisting things around on us when we'd tell her to stop
insulting us to the point that she was the victim.
Any time we would try to tell her she was being rude she would
get a very sour look on her face and say "Do you think I care??"
By the time I got home (Longest drive ever) she was not
speaking to me and I guess it was because I was calling her out
on her bad behavior more than others. I came away from the
weekend feeing dirty and about 17 yrs old again and not at all
like myself. I'm just done. I've given her chance after chance
and it appears she's just getting worse with the insults.
Do I tell her I no longer want contact with her or do I just
avoid her?
#Post#: 13483--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: kckgirl Date: September 11, 2018, 11:30 am
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Only you can decide what to do, but I would put her on a long
no-contact time out. You don't have to tell her anything, and
don't explain anything, just avoid contact. This is not a cut
direct, though. That would be if you happen to see her at an
event, you pointedly ignore her as if she isn't there. It's a
nuclear option and pretty uncomfortable for everyone, you, her,
and the witnesses. After a time out of whatever time you choose,
I'd do something only in public where you think she'll probably
behave. Then decide what to do after that.
#Post#: 13495--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: Hmmm Date: September 11, 2018, 12:23 pm
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I'm sorry you are going through this. It's never fun to realize
that you really do not like a family member and no longer wish
to socialize with them.
(I do want to gently point out that you are using the term "Cut
Direct" incorrectly. It sounds like you want to cut your mother
off. Cut Direct is an action of publicly snubbing another person
by pretending you do not see them when they are standing right
in front of you.)
It does not sound like you have daily contact with your mother.
So I would probably take the action to just stop initiating
contact with her and making any contact with her she initiates
very short.
"Oh, Hi mom. Anything wrong?" and when she says no then respond
with "OK, well I don't have time to chat now. Talk to you
another time." If she says yes then listen to her complaint and
end with "Geez I don't know what to tell you. But good luck with
that. I have to run."
If she ever asks you directly, I'd respond with "During our last
trip, you made it apparent you do not like being around me. I
also prefer to only be around people I enjoy spending time with.
I think the least amount of contact between us is best for both
of us. If
there is an emergency then I'll help out but that's pretty much
it."
#Post#: 13496--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: Despedina Date: September 11, 2018, 12:27 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=669.msg13495#msg13495
date=1536686580]
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's never fun to realize
that you really do not like a family member and no longer wish
to socialize with them.
(I do want to gently point out that you are using the term "Cut
Direct" incorrectly. It sounds like you want to cut your mother
off. Cut Direct is an action of publicly snubbing another person
by pretending you do not see them when they are standing right
in front of you.)
It does not sound like you have daily contact with your mother.
So I would probably take the action to just stop initiating
contact with her and making any contact with her she initiates
very short.
"Oh, Hi mom. Anything wrong?" and when she says no then respond
with "OK, well I don't have time to chat now. Talk to you
another time." If she says yes then listen to her complaint and
end with "Geez I don't know what to tell you. But good luck with
that. I have to run."
If she ever asks you directly, I'd respond with "During our last
trip, you made it apparent you do not like being around me. I
also prefer to only be around people I enjoy spending time with.
I think the least amount of contact between us is best for both
of us. If
there is an emergency then I'll help out but that's pretty much
it."
[/quote]
Thank you for telling me Cut Direct and cut off are 2 different
things. I guess I didn't realize it. Your wording for when she
calls is great.
#Post#: 13530--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: JeanFromBNA Date: September 11, 2018, 6:53 pm
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If this was unusual behavior for her, I would tell you to have
her evaluated, or at least consider if there was a cause for the
rotten attitude. But you don't describe it that way, so it's
likely a character disorder that she's not going to change at
60. You might want to check the "out of the fog" website for
information on how to reduce contact to a level that you (not
she - she doesn't get a vote) are comfortable with.
I had a mother like yours, and your description brought back
some of the pain. Life is too short and there's to much that's
good to waste time on someone who treats you like a verbal
punching bag. Your existence and worth are independent of her,
and not reflective of your value as a person or a daughter.
Boundaries are a good, healthy thing. It takes some time, but
you can develop them. I would have driven her ass home a day
into the trip even if I had to turn around the moment that I got
there and drive all night.
#Post#: 13569--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: dani321 Date: September 12, 2018, 10:03 am
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I'm so sorry you had such a terrible weekend, kudos to you for
somehow sticking it out (even if in hindsight you may wish you'd
turned around and went home, as JeanfromBNA mentioned!). At
least you gave it a chance, and you have no doubt that you're
making the best decision for yourself after 4 days with your
mom!
Given your description, I'm not sure there would be anything to
gain from telling your mom that you're cutting her out, and why.
It sounds like she would just twist your words and make herself
the victim, and then there's no telling what she would say to
others about it. So I agree with the others, reduce contact to a
level that you're comfortable with, whether that's absolutely
none, or emergencies only, holidays only, whatever YOU are okay
with, and stick to the boundaries you've set.
Best of luck to you!
#Post#: 13574--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: lakey Date: September 12, 2018, 11:43 am
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Your mother sounds a lot like one of my sisters. Not only does
my sister make negative comments, which she doesn't realize are
negative, but she also makes compliments that are veiled
criticisms. To strangers. She said to a sales clerk, "Those are
beautiful earrings. They're really large, aren't they?" She
said to a tour guide, "Your make up is really pretty. Why do you
apply your lipstick like that?" When she makes remarks about
things that are none of her business, she thinks she is being
helpful. There are other aspects to my sister's personality that
are just as bad. I know she won't change.
I deal with it by limiting my time with her to shorter visits.
She lives about two and a half hours away, but when she comes
for a holiday, she stays at a hotel the night before. I don't
invite her to stay overnight because I cannot handle 24 hours
with her. It may be more difficult for you because a
relationship with a mother is different than a relationship with
a sister. It may also be more difficult if your mother lives
closer to you. Do whatever you need to do to preserve your
sanity. A four day trip with someone like this is pure misery.
It might be possible to seriously limit the amount of time you
spend with your mother. If that doesn't work, then go with the
complete cut. Life is too short to spend it being miserable.
Whether to tell her you no longer want to be around her, or just
avoid her, depends on how much grief you want to put up with
from her. I would go with avoiding her, including making use of
caller id to avoid her calls. She already knows you won't put up
with her nonsense, and has told you straight out that she
doesn't care. If you tell her you don't want contact with her,
she will probably argue and twist it to being your fault.
Personally, I avoid this kind of thing because I have difficulty
not arguing back. If you can handle it, tell her, just be
prepared for an argument.
#Post#: 13660--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: bopper Date: September 13, 2018, 1:20 pm
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If you don't want contact with someone, then don't contact
them...otherwise you are giving them a chance to respond/give
input and they don't get that chance.
I would start making plans with your sisters one on one to
maintain a relationship.
Be careful that once your mother figures it out that you are
having no contact with her that she doesn't send your other
sisters as "flying monkeys".
It would seem that you might be the "scapegoat" of the
family...the one chosen to be picked on.
If anyone asks why you are not speaking to her, just say that
she made it clear that she didn't enjoy being around you so you
are just complying with her wishes.
Check out "outofthefog.net" for more support with toxic people.
#Post#: 13857--------------------------------------------------
Re: Considering the Cut Direct - how do you do this?
By: chigger Date: September 15, 2018, 8:05 pm
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Thia sounds so much like my Aunt. About a third of the things
you stated, she did also. What I did was slowly disengage
myself. We now only see each other once or twice a year, and I'm
honestly going to make it never.
She is 80 years old, but very active. I asked my son and his
family to lunch and as a afterthought invited her. She
monopolized the entire conversations, then randomly brought up
the "little bitch" who had bullied my grandaughter and told how
the "little bitch" had told my grandaughter to "just die". Said
child was having a good time until then. She just hung her head
and did not speak afterwards. I was so pissed at her total lack
of sensitivity. Yeah, she was rightfully pissed, but the child
was in therapy and not wanting it to be a topic for table
conversation. She will never be in my company again, because now
I am looking back and she has done so much of the same shit over
the years.
Just blow her off, OP
ETA: Life is really too short to deal with toxic people. I am
53, and I wish I had have known that at younger age. I dealt
with this loving aunt for 30 years before I did anything about
it. I wish I had have dealt with it in the very begining, but I
did not and it caused a lot of stress over the years. I am free
now and it is the bomb!
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