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#Post#: 12859--------------------------------------------------
S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: September 1, 2018, 10:20 pm
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I've had two instances recently where I just didn't want to
engage in conversation and I thought I kept my side of the
conversation short or signaled that I was not interested in
continuing and the person missed the cues. When I set more of a
boundary, the person seemed surprised and a bit put off by me.
I'm wondering what others think or would have done.
In both cases I was a bit of a captive audience, in the first
scenario, I was really captive.
#1 - I was waiting for an outpatient surgery. I'd been fasting
since the previous night at 10:30 p.m. It was now 11:30 a.m., I
hadn't had any caffeine and had a caffeine withdrawal headache.
I was also in a bit of discomfort (and had been forever) from
the thing that needed taken out. I'd been watching the Price is
Right with my DH and I'd been batting 1000 - I had every price
almost dead on. A group of purses came up and I know purses and
wanted to see that prize and guess the price. Right at that
moment --- the volunteer pops up.
There were a few social niceties and then...
V- What are you here for today?
Me- A little procedure.
V- (Looking at the thing on my bed) You have Dr. Adams, where's
her office?
Me - She's with (practice) they have several locations.
V - Is she with Dr. Bachner?
Me - No. (Turns out she is, I didn't know at the time.)
The volunteer then starts some thing about how silo'd healthcare
is and there aren't options for practices. Everyone is grouped
together. She's been punctuating all her comments with hand taps
on my bed rail. Every time she taps, she sends a reverberation
straight to my thumping head and the thing that needs removed.
I was trying to keep my answers short hoping she'd move on and I
tried to bear with the taps; when she hit the bed the third
time, I said to myself, "I'll say something if she does it
again." She did. I said, "I'm going to have to ask you to stop
thunking my bed. It's reverberating through me and it's
painful." She steps back with a surprised look, looks at DH and
says, "Oh she must be sensitive."
DH replies, "She's in a good bit of pain."
She then says something to DH that she's there to get him
anything and if he'd like a snack or drink to let her know. (She
was done talking to me - lol.)
She finally left. (The purse game was long over.)
#2 - happened today at the gym
I'm on a stationary bike and about 15 minutes into my workout -
headphones in, phone plugged into the bike, listening to a
podcast.
Gentleman sits down on the next bike and is having a bit of a
problem setting it up. He starts asking me about it. I pause the
podcast, take out one earphone, and answer his question.
Earphone back in; it's one of those stick thingies and has to be
adjusted just so, I mess with it and get it right and....
Gentleman is telling me that he couldn't work the bike because
he usually swims but the pool is closed. I say something like,
"I didn't realize that. I hope you like the bike."
Earphone back in and ... Gentleman is saying something about his
bad knee, surgery, blah, blah, blah.
I say, "Sounds like you're working hard to rehab it." Then...
earphone back in, podcast re-started, have to do the 30 second
re-wind thing and... within one minute, he's talking again. I
didn't take the earphone out, I said, "I'm sorry, I'm really
engrossed in the this podcast. I'm sure you understand."
He looked at me like I was meanest of the world's big meanies. I
was tempted to justify it more - I really only have a chance to
listen to podcasts when I travel or I'm doing cardio and I'd
been on travel and physical restrictions for a month (because of
the health thing above) and I was jonesing for some podcast
time. I held back on the justifying and just let him think
whatever he wants.
I'll be honest, both reactions made me feel like I was "wrong"
to set the boundary. (After the hospital volunteer walked away
DH commented that I'd been polite and short so many times and he
couldn't believe she wouldn't take the hint. He said, "I saw you
getting ready to say something. You held out longer than I
thought you would.")
All that to ask - do you have any stories of times when someone
couldn't read the cues and end a social interaction? Any
strategies you like or use? (I realized after both situations
that I rely, heavily, on walking away and in both of these
situations is wasn't possible or practical.)
#Post#: 12865--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: Aleko
Date: September 2, 2018, 2:36 am
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In general, people only owe each other conversation and
attention in a social situation, not when they just happen to be
near each other while going about their own separate purposes.
In a gym or while waiting for a bus it's OK to throw out a
remark in case someone else wants to chat, but nobody is
obligated to pick that up and run with it. If they were reading
a book or listening on their earphones and go straight back to
that after acknowledging you, it is by definition rude to make
further attempts to engage them in conversation. Unless you
actually need to communicate with them, then a nod acknowledging
your presence is as much as they owe you. So it was legit for
that guy in the gym to disturb you to ask for help with the
bike, but when you then put your headphones back in he was rude
for persisting. So was your hospital volunteer.
#Post#: 12870--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: cabbageweevil
Date: September 2, 2018, 7:40 am
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I'm in total agreement here with Aleko: in a specifically social
situation, it's one thing -- with folk just chance-met while
going about their purposes, it's another. There's brought to
mind for me, a book which I was reading a while go, on the
subject of a hobby of mine, trains and railways. Was a book of
recollections by a -- British, like myself -- octogenarian
railway enthusiast (whom I'll thus call henceforth, ORE): most
interesting when it was about his railway experiences during his
long lifetime -- but a lot of what the guy wrote, revealed his
seemingly holding an overweeningly good opinion of himself, and
a tendency to confuse good manners on the part of others, with
deferring to him in everything. In the course of pontificating
on the bad manners of railfans of generations younger than his
own, he recalled a recent rail journey which he had made; in
which the seat opposite his own, was occupied by a much younger
fellow-enthusiast who was closely following the journey by
looking attentively out of the carriage window, with the aid of
an assortment of books and a tape recorder (to which gear ORE
alluded with some scorn). ORE's attempts at engaging the
youngster in conversation about their shared interest were "met
with a glare and a non-committal grunt, as he fixed unrelenting
attention outside". To a particularly wordy such overture, the
young guy's response was, "Shh ! I don't want to miss
anything." Which led ORE to lambaste him in print as every kind
of boor, yahoo, and youthful degenerate.
While the youngster's demeanour and final words, could not be
called polite: I feel (and think that the etiquette community
would mostly agree) that ORE's overall attitude was ruder -- and
with it he was more at fault -- than was the case with the young
guy. While there could be grounds for hope that a shared
interest might lead to a pleasant conversation; as more
generally, if the approached party is occupied with something
and thereby does not wish to get into any depth of conversation
-- etiquette approves of their signalling that fact, by
"small-scale" acknowledgement of the approacher, and no more.
The approacher should be alert enough to pick up on the cue, and
have sufficient good manners to let matters drop, without
rancour.
#Post#: 12873--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: Lilac
Date: September 2, 2018, 8:59 am
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I would have cut it off long before you did in both situations.
You are not obliged to humor people just because they target
you, in these settings. (At a party or other social occasion,
yes, for a time at least -- but not in a clinic or workout
facility.)
Situation One: "Excuse me but we are in the middle of
something. Is this medically necessary? If not, thank you but
could you leave us in privacy until I am called to the procedure
room? Thank you."
Situation Two: "Sorry, my time is limited today and I need to
keep to my cadence (or whatever it's called) -- the attendant is
the guy in the blue T-shirt. Have a good day."
If the interlopers want to view that as mean, that's their
problem.
#Post#: 12879--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: pierrotlunaire0
Date: September 2, 2018, 12:14 pm
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I think example #1 is particularly bad, in that a volunteer is
not supposed to add to the discomfort and pain of the patient!
And if she does not know how to gage that, she needs to get some
training or move into another position. In that particular
case, I would even be inclined to let the hospital know.
Someone waiting for a procedure needs to have no stress added to
their situation.
#Post#: 12881--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: lakey
Date: September 2, 2018, 1:49 pm
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--- Quote ---
> I'll be honest, both reactions made me feel like I was "wrong"
to set the boundary.
--- End Quote ---
You weren't wrong to set boundaries in either situation. I'm not
one to make small talk with strangers. If I'm on a plane,
waiting in a waiting room, or doing anything like that by
myself, I use the time to read from my device. I don't feel
obliged to keep people occupied. If they want to chat. they can
seek out someone who isn't reading or using their device.
I think the best way to deal with these incidents is to be
politely direct. Your mistake in situation #1 was to drop hints.
It would have been easier on you if you had told her right away
that you were in pain and couldn't handle talking. If the person
works around people seeking medical treatment, she would
understand that. Your dropping hints by giving short answers
wasn't clear enough, and unless you told her, she had no way of
knowing that you had a headache. I do feel for you. I too get a
headache if I don't get my morning caffeine.
The gentleman in the second situation was pretty self-centered
to keep trying to talk to you when he could see that you had
headphones. I think it's pretty rude to keep interrupting
someone who is obviously engrossed in a book or device. His
getting huffy was unreasonable.
#Post#: 12883--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: guest657
Date: September 2, 2018, 3:07 pm
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Self-centered people always think people are "wrong" for telling
them "no" or depriving them of attention.
You were not wrong.
FWIW, even the strictest code of manners allows you to say,
"ow!" if someone hurts you. If you're a hospital patient, doubly
so!
I think a lot (not all, but a lot) of selfishly oblivious people
are relatively benign or well-intentioned. They don't realize
how obnoxious they are being because subtlety goes right over
their heads. The indirect cues don't even register, so the "last
straw" seems to come out of the blue.
#Post#: 12885--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: malfoyfan13
Date: September 2, 2018, 3:48 pm
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You weren't wrong in either situation. The hospital volunteer
needs some sensitivity/social skills training IMO. I'm not
saying she didn't think she meant well, but it didn't work out
that way.
I noticed a situation like this the other night at an open-air
concert I was attending. There were six millenials in front of
us, a group of four young men and two young women. The groups
were not connected. The guy who was sitting next to one of the
girls kept trying to start a conversation with her and she kept,
IMO, trying to shut him down because she and her friend were
talking animatedly and getting their picnic food and wine out.
It's hard to avoid others when you're squished into
stadium-style seating with very little elbow room. He finally
appeared to give up and turned back to his friends.
In this venue we've had some people converse with us and others
just say a few words and then concentrate on their phone or
their companion. Either one is fine with me. I'm not much
given to small talk in general; my DH is much more adept at it
so sometimes he'll talk to people.
#Post#: 12927--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: LeslieF
Date: September 3, 2018, 10:52 am
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What is the relevance of mentioning the people were millennials?
Have you noticed that group of people being less prone to
having good manners?
#Post#: 12931--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of social script - when someone won't take the hint
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: September 3, 2018, 11:45 am
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--- Quote from: malfoyfan13 link ---
>
> There were six millenials in front of us, a group of four
young men and two young women. The groups were not connected.
The guy who was sitting next to one of the girls kept trying to
start a conversation with her and she kept, IMO, trying to shut
him down because she and her friend were talking animatedly and
getting their picnic food and wine out.
>
> [quote author=SecretSauce link=topic=646.msg12927#msg12927
date=1535989969]
> What is the relevance of mentioning the people were
millennials? Have you noticed that group of people being less
prone to having good manners?
>
--- End Quote ---
[/quote]
And the millennial designation still gives you a fairly large
age range - 22-37.
This particular situation seems to be more about a guy not
taking a hint, rather than age-related behavior.
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