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#Post#: 12717--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: lakey Date: August 30, 2018, 12:31 pm
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There is no one correct answer to this. Each case is different.
People have different types of mental illness and there are
differences in how well they respond to treatment. The best way
to figure out how to deal with your brother is to talk with the
mental health experts who are treating him. They can tell you
how much control he has over his behavior and rudeness. They can
give you advice on when and how to hold him responsible for his
rudeness.
I know it was frustrating, but you handled it well in that you
didn't make the situation worse by losing your temper.
#Post#: 12728--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: guest657 Date: August 30, 2018, 2:31 pm
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Whether or not someone can "help it" doesn't mean you need to
put up with obnoxious or hurtful behavior. This principle is
also known as, "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep
someone else warm."
It doesn't really matter whether he's capable of being gracious,
considerate, communicating his opinions reasonably,
understanding social norms, or whatever. He isn't doing it. And
he isn't likely to start.
The reality is, he's a grown man. Your family has had ample
opportunity to instill thoughtfulness and good manners. He's
still acting like a jerk, and you can't make him change. It's
not as if you're going into come up with some perfect script
that no mental health professional has ever thought of, to
suddenly make him see things from your point of view.
--He's rigid and unreasonable.
--He has inappropriate outbursts of temper over insignificant
things.
--He criticizes people behind their backs
--He blames others for conflicts that he created.
So, I think your best bet is to kind of mourn the loss of
"someday this will improve," and accept that this is how he
acts. It doesn't mean you should hold a grudge and write him off
entirely, but it probably does mean changing your expectations.
You can't expect him to do favors and cope with minor changes or
inconveniences the way most people do. You can't expect him to
have a reasonable perspective on your conversations or
interactions. You can't rely on what he tells you about other
people. And you can't expect to have a pleasant visit with him
unless you do a large amount of prep work and emotional labor.
Maybe that's because he's mentally Ill. Maybe it's because he's
a jerk. Maybe a bit of both. But ultimately the reason doesn't
change your options about how to handle it.
If his behavior upsets you, I'd advise you to avoid situations
where you're depending on his help, and just look for ways to
see your family where his attitude can't spoil your whole
afternoon.
#Post#: 12732--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: BeagleMommy Date: August 30, 2018, 2:50 pm
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OP, I'm going to tell you what my brother was told by counselors
when he was working with developmentally challenged young men
who were brought to the Boy Scout camp he attended.
BeagleBrother was a senior scout so he was going to have
supervisory responsibility for at least one of the young men.
The counselor said "don't treat them differently than you would
someone without challenges. If they think they can get away with
something they will try over and over again. If they are being
disrespectful or otherwise misbehaving call them on it and make
them responsible for either apologizing or correcting the
behavior".
In other words, your brother and sister act this way because
they have been allowed to act this way.
#Post#: 12758--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: MOM21SON Date: August 30, 2018, 11:24 pm
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Thank you everyone. My father did ask my brother and told him
he could use his car. The day this all happened, my brother was
fine with it until it actually came time to do it.
Two years ago my brother flew to my state, his flight was 6
hours late. This left me going to the airport at 4 am. I never
batted a eyelash. The visit was awful, I knew it would be. I
didn't cook the right food, we didn't have enough bathrooms, the
TV in his room didn't get enough channels.
When my mother died, she left everything to me in her will. She
did not do that for me, she did it for my son, her only
grandchild. My mother was not a nice person, all 3 of us
suffered her mental and physical abuse. My sister had cut off
my mother 10 years prior to her death, my brother saw her about
once every 2 years. I let both my siblings come into my mothers
home and take whatever they wanted, even if it was something I
wanted. When I sold the house, I split the money 4 ways.
It didn't seem to be good enough for my sister especially. It's
4 years later and the estate is still not closed. I have
attorney fees out the wazoo and would never think of burdening
them with this.
I just tired of always being the bad guy walking on eggshells.
#Post#: 12771--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Pattycake Date: August 31, 2018, 8:06 am
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Aw, I am sorry you are stuck in the middle of everything. Big
hugs.
#Post#: 12775--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: DaDancingPsych Date: August 31, 2018, 8:52 am
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This is a tricky situation; I am sorry that you are dealing.
I love the idea of checking on how you treat your brother. Maybe
you are not treating him differently because of the illness, but
it never hurts for us to reflect on our own behaviors. I think
any time that Brother is told to do something, I would work to
flip the script.
Dad: "Drive your sister to the airport."
You: "Do you mind, Brother? I would appreciate the favor."
I suppose only you know how much of these emotions are under
your brother's control. But for the most part, yes, we are all
responsible for our own actions. I think that you can certainly
express to your brother how this all hurt your feelings. Do you
think it would make a difference? Again, I think you know the
truth there.
A talk may improve things, but in the end, we can only control
our own behavior. If I know that asking brother for a favor is
going to end up taking more of my emotional strength than it is
worth, then I would look for an alternate option. In this case,
I might have declined the ride and found a different way to get
to the airport.
It sounds like when you are less emotionally stressed that you
handle your brother's outbursts more positively. There are some
people in my life who I cannot control their actions, so I do my
best to let them slide off of me. It sounds like this might have
been what you have been doing for years, but I understand how
this time stung a bit more.
#Post#: 12780--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Girlie Date: August 31, 2018, 10:16 am
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I certainly am not an expert in all things
family-etiquette-related, but I can relate a little to OP.
I have a brother who has issues, and I can never decide if he's
actually got mental issues or if he's actually aware of the
chaos he sometimes wreaks. His wife isn't much better, and she
runs so hot and cold that I'm sure there are undiagnosed issues
there. Either way, the reasons don't matter - what matters is
the outcome, and in the end, your personal peace and peace of
mind are important, too.
I am slowly getting to be the sort of person who refuses to walk
on eggshells, ever. Either I will choose to avoid that path
completely, or I will jump up and down and see what happens.
Just a thought...I remember a - Reading Rainbow? - tv show from
when I was kid where someone actually laid out a carton of eggs
and walked on them. Not a single egg broke. It turns out they're
much stronger than we give them credit for.
#Post#: 12785--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: viviennebzb Date: August 31, 2018, 11:34 am
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[quote author=Girlie link=topic=640.msg12780#msg12780
date=1535728588]
I certainly am not an expert in all things
family-etiquette-related, but I can relate a little to OP.
I have a brother who has issues, and I can never decide if he's
actually got mental issues or if he's actually aware of the
chaos he sometimes wreaks. His wife isn't much better, and she
runs so hot and cold that I'm sure there are undiagnosed issues
there. Either way, the reasons don't matter - what matters is
the outcome, and in the end, your personal peace and peace of
mind are important, too.
I am slowly getting to be the sort of person who refuses to walk
on eggshells, ever. Either I will choose to avoid that path
completely, or I will jump up and down and see what happens.
Just a thought...I remember a - Reading Rainbow? - tv show from
when I was kid where someone actually laid out a carton of eggs
and walked on them. Not a single egg broke. It turns out they're
much stronger than we give them credit for.
[/quote]
This is so good. After decades (my whole life, actually) of
trying to apply reason to the unreasonable, and logic to the
illogical, I have finally realized I don't actually have to play
this game at all. And, lo and behold, my personal family
examples of this behavior, bereft of any influence on my part,
are blithely continuing to act as they always have.
#Post#: 14388--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Judecat Date: September 23, 2018, 12:03 am
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I was taught that I would have to adapt to societies rules, not
have the society adapt to me. I was diagnosed as bi=polar at a
very young age, and I was never allowed to use it as an excuse
to be rude.
I have a goddaughter who was diagnosed with anger issues, and
she spend most of her teen years trying to use that to get her
own way, telling people " don't make me angry, I have anger
issues". I told her that line only worked for the Incredible
Hulk and get over herself. She still at age 23 tries to use
that thinking on me, if I tell her no, or give her a response
she doesn't like she tells me about her anger issues. And I
tell her that it's her issue, so deal with it.
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