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#Post#: 12611--------------------------------------------------
Mental illness and social skills.
By: MOM21SON Date: August 29, 2018, 12:12 am
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My brother has a mental illness. He takes his medication so all
is good there. However, he has no social skills and is very
rude 80% of the time.
We always have just ignored his rudeness, but this last time, I
am still very upset and I want to call him on it.
I went to visit my Father in a far away state where my brother
also lives. My father ended up being admitted to the hospital
while I was there. My father insisted that I carry on with my
plans to leave the next day. My stepmother and the Dr's also
insisted. His illness was not life threatening and the surgery
would be minor.
So, my father asked my brother to use his car(my dads car) to
take me to the airport. My brother was not happy, but he never
is. I woke up very early to go to the hospital to see my father
and speak to the Dr's again and asked my brother to pick me up
outside the hospital at 830 am. So I left my fathers room,
holding back tears, and as I get to the meeting place I see my
brother drive away. I looked at my phone and it was exactly
830, so I called him and asked him to please come back to the ER
and get me. He snapped and said, "Oh, you finally decided to
come outside." He came back and I got in the car. Still trying
to be calm, I said, "After you drop me off at the airport,
please bring the car to stepmother because she has a dentist
appointment she can't miss." He snapped and said, "well it will
be hard to get ahold of her since she refuses to have a cell
phone. I guess she will magically appear."
So, I sat in silence the whole way to the airport, afraid to
speak, because I was trying not to cry and was so angry at my
brother. We got to the airport, I got out, grabbed my bag and
went in and had a total meltdown.
So my brother told my father that I did not speak to him on the
way to the airport. Geez, I wonder why.
So, this is my issue. I used to work in a mental hospital. We
were trained, ill or not, you are still responsible for your
actions. So, is it wrong to call someone out, that is truly
ill?
BTW, my sister suffers from the same illness and cut me off a
few years ago. Maybe it's me that is ill. At this point, it
sure feels like it. I'm so sick of being told by my father,
"They can't help it."
#Post#: 12613--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Nikko-chan Date: August 29, 2018, 1:53 am
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Oh heavens if this is one thing I hate this is it. It would be a
difference if they actually couldn't help their actions. But
both your brother (and sister presumably) can help their
actions.
As for the "Oh come on, be the bigger perso, they can't help
it!"
Yes. Yes they freaking can. They can apologize, they can put
their big boy and big girl panties on and be civil. As far as
brother goes.... he could have waited. Or you know that lovely
phone he mentioned that stepmother doesn't have? I am sure you
have one, and with that sentence about your stepmother he
implied he has one! So next time he gets horrid (cause thats
what this is, horrid behavior), do what you would do with
someone without a mental illness. He treats you poorly he reaps
the consequences same as anyone without a mental illness.
And I know you didn't ask for them but... *hugs* for having to
deal with that situation.
#Post#: 12616--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: AtHomeRose Date: August 29, 2018, 6:24 am
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I think people with mental illnesses should be held responsible
for their behavior to the extent that they can control the
behavior, and this is going to differ for each individual.
However, to me this situation does not seem like it has much to
do with mental illnesses. Did you brother volunteer to do this
driving or was he VolunTold to drive you? If he was basically
ordered by your father to do this driving I can understand his
frustration, rightly or wrongly he was taking that frustration
out on you. Once you knew your brother was unhappy about doing
the driving I think you should have found your own transport. It
seem like this could have saved everyone a lot of stress during
an already stressful time.
#Post#: 12630--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Jem Date: August 29, 2018, 7:42 am
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As a PP said, I don’t think the situations you described have
anything to do with mental illness. I don’t know what the mental
illness your siblings have is, but I am not aware of one that
makes a person incapable of not being straight up rude.
It seems to me that your siblings are using their diagnosis (I
assume they have one) as a weapon. Wildly inappropriate.
#Post#: 12632--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Hmmm Date: August 29, 2018, 8:34 am
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[quote author=AtHomeRose link=topic=640.msg12616#msg12616
date=1535541845]
I think people with mental illnesses should be held responsible
for their behavior to the extent that they can control the
behavior, and this is going to differ for each individual.
However, to me this situation does not seem like it has much to
do with mental illnesses. Did you brother volunteer to do this
driving or was he VolunTold to drive you? If he was basically
ordered by your father to do this driving I can understand his
frustration, rightly or wrongly he was taking that frustration
out on you. Once you knew your brother was unhappy about doing
the driving I think you should have found your own transport. It
seem like this could have saved everyone a lot of stress during
an already stressful time.
[/quote]
Hugs first. This must be very difficult to navigate.
The above makes perfect sense to me. It sounds like your brother
may be dependent upon your father if your father is able to
voluntell him to run errands or perform tasks. There is probably
a high level of resentment that he is unable to break away and
live completely as an independent adult. Though your father
probably will never change his behavior toward your brother, you
can change and start treating him as an equal which also implies
he must treat you with equal respect.
As far as your question about mental illness and rudeness. I
don't really have any experience dealing with close family with
mental illnesses other than one who deals with depression and
another that deals with social anxiety. If a behavior can be
directly attributed to one of those things, like cancelling at
the last minute, then we do give them some slack.
But it sounds like you've been conditioned to tip toe around so
much that he has learned he can get away with anything with you.
I think it is time to for you to confront the behavior as it is
happening. Maybe not when he is doing you a favor he didn't want
to do, but at other times when he is just being rude.
For this situation, I might give him a call and say "I'm sorry I
expected you to drive me to the airport when I knew you didn't
want to. But you hurt me by driving away like that. Can we call
a truce?"
#Post#: 12637--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Rose Red Date: August 29, 2018, 9:06 am
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I agree illness is not an excuse for rudeness, but I also agree
it's frustrating to be voluntold instead of asked in a way that
makes him feel it's OK for him to decline. And on top of that,
being told at the last minute to take the car to stepmother, who
has no cell phone so they can coordinate time and place.
My family also do this to me and it's maddening. I'm a planner.
Being told things at the last minute sends me into a frenzy.
#Post#: 12697--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: bopper Date: August 30, 2018, 8:07 am
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You can set boundaries. You can decide when/where to be around
your brother, whether he can help himself or not.
"Oh nonsense, Dad! I am not going to make Bro get up early to
drive me to the airport! I already arranged a taxi."
or
"Thanks bro for the ride. Sorry Dad sprung it on you like that."
#Post#: 12699--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Bada Date: August 30, 2018, 8:39 am
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It sounds like your brother takes things very literally. He was
told to pick you up at 8:30. When you weren't there at EXACTLY
8:30, he thought that have him the right to consider the "deal"
cancelled.
I have a relative like this. We try to talk to him when we're
calmer about social expectations. Like: When someone needs a
ride, sometimes you need to wait a few minutes. So next time
you're in this situation, expect to wait 5 minutes, then call
the person to ask where they are before leaving.
My understanding is that some people with autism/Ausbergers are
too literal and don't pay attention to what people in a given
situation would normally do, so it needs to be spelled out to
them. Not when you're pissed, of course! Because then you
explode and no progress is made (person experience speaking
here)
And I agree with those who say you may want to address the fact
that he was voluntold to do this.
#Post#: 12706--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: sandisadie Date: August 30, 2018, 10:00 am
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Autism and Aspergers are not mental illnesses. I agree that
just because a person has a mental illness does not give them a
free pass to be rude. In the situation mentioned, if the
brother was not asked, but told, to take his sister to the
airport then I think he has a right to be pissed. Perhaps he is
not always treated properly in the family because of his
illness. Just a thought.
#Post#: 12707--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mental illness and social skills.
By: Bada Date: August 30, 2018, 10:06 am
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[quote author=sandisadie link=topic=640.msg12706#msg12706
date=1535641258]
Autism and Aspergers are not mental illnesses. I agree that
just because a person has a mental illness does not give them a
free pass to be rude. In the situation mentioned, if the
brother was not asked, but told, to take his sister to the
airport then I think he has a right to be pissed. Perhaps he is
not always treated properly in the family because of his
illness. Just a thought.
[/quote]
Sorry, I was only meaning to make an analogy, not to say that
Autism is a mental illness.
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