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#Post#: 12326--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: Aleko
Date: August 27, 2018, 5:59 am
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--- Quote ---
> If I had bought such a package, it would have been with every
intention of sharing with the others. Just a thoughtful gesture.
--- End Quote ---
But that is the cruise equivalent of only one person in a group
paying for the hotel breakfast and bringing piled plates of food
up to the rooms for the others. It's not a "thoughtful gesture";
it's theft.
#Post#: 12327--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: NyaChan
Date: August 27, 2018, 7:25 am
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Thank you for the responses. I should clarify, while Dad is in
fact cheap when it comes to third parties, he is incredibly
generous to his kids. He actually pays for a yearly vacation
for all four of us (20k+) and I usually have to be careful not
to mention that I’m saving up for something because if it is
something he feels bad about me not having (like a roomba or a
stand mixer that my sister can purchase without a second
thought) I’ll find it on my doorstep in 3-5 business days. If
they had pulled my drink package, he would have given me the
money back. I would just find it incredibly embarrassed to have
done something that necessitated the cruise line doing that.
But for things like tipping tour operators, he wouldn’t do it on
his own (he does tip servers always). As in, pretending he
didn’t have much cash to us when we reminded him during our
excursion. Then he figured out afterwards that my sister and I
were paying it ourselves and pulled out his own cash to
reimburse us.
Anon4Now - I think if I hadn’t bought the package, he would have
been fine with just water and coffee. I think he sees it as
“well, it’s already paid for and right in front of me...”. Your
point that I’m not going to convince him of my view is what I
guess I just have to accept. If there’s nothing to say that
will get them to lay off, I’ll just have to get a thicker skin
:(
#Post#: 12334--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 27, 2018, 8:39 am
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I wouldn't so much focus on dealing with the soda issue, but
your Dad's and sibling's behavior to you.
I think it is time you tell your Dad that you already feel like
the family outcast and their open mocking of you is confirmation
of their opinion Explain that as much as you would like to have
a healthy and close relationship, for your own self worth you'll
need to start reducing time spent with them.
And when the gifts show up on your doorstep, you need to return
them to your father with the explanation that you are an adult
and prefer to work for the items you want, not depend on his
generosity. The same with the returning your tips. Say no, that
he paid for the excursion so it really should be you and your
sister paying for the tips.
#Post#: 12336--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: August 27, 2018, 8:55 am
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From your update, Dad sounds like the kind of person who when he
has an idea in his head, there is no changing it. He believes no
one will catch him stealing sips of soda, so your concern is
disregarded. He decides that he is going to buy you a mixer, so
he chooses to ignore your wishes to purchase your own. Maybe you
can lead him to understand that his disregard for your feelings
is actually hurtful... or maybe not. I suppose you know if you
have tried expressing it.
In the meantime, let us assume that Dad is set is his ways. You
probably are not going to change his opinions. So, I would
probably make choices that make the relationship go easier. I
might have forgone the soda package to avoid these situations.
Or I may have gifted everyone a package knowing that we really
would all enjoy it. But I guess what I am trying to say is to
focus less on how to change Dad's behavior and focus on what you
can control... you. It might even mean many moments when you
simply roll your eyes.
I have parents who are giving and have trampled my own
boundaries on several occasions. For example, I have lived alone
for well over a decade and never really had a Christmas of my
own. I decided this past year that I was going to buy myself a
present... maybe even wrap it up and open it on Christmas
morning. ;D I proudly told my parents that I had decided to
buy myself a George Foreman grill. I purchased it; it was
delivered; I mentioned to my parents that it had arrived. Then I
got the disappointed whine, "but we already bought you one." It
was so very thoughtful of them to purchase this for me, but they
missed the point. ***I*** was finally doing something for myself
and their gift came with a certain level of disappointment.
Since then, I have decided that I am going to try my "Christmas
For One" again this year, but I will be announcing what "Santa"
got me AFTER Christmas. ;)
#Post#: 12349--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: dani321
Date: August 27, 2018, 10:01 am
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--- Quote from: Maude link ---
>
> If I had bought such a package, it would have been with every
intention of sharing with the others. Just a thoughtful gesture.
>
--- End Quote ---
I have to agree with the others who said that's not a great
idea, it's against the rules and it's tacky and cheap. It would
be one thing if NyaChan's dad was dying of thirst, or needed to
take some medicine and didn't have a drink immediately
available, and needed a sip. I'm sure that happens. But if every
family only bought one package for 4 people to use, the cruise
line would just stop offering drink packages. Aleko's analogy
was great.
I think DaDancingPsych has the best point, this is more of a
"dad" issue than a "drink package" issue. I think that knowing
this is just how he is, and figuring out how you can minimize
the negative impact to yourself, is the best way of moving
forward. It sounds like he's got a lot of great qualities and
just has some quirks when it comes to certain things. Keep
bringing cash to tip tour guides, etc, and basically plan around
his quirks.
#Post#: 12356--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: August 27, 2018, 10:42 am
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Ouch, that is hurtful, NyaChan. I'm sorry your family
disregarded your feelings and made fun of you.
I agree with previous posters that there is a larger issue that
needs to be addressed. If something like the soda issue were to
happen again - your dad or sibling pressuring you to do
something and then mocking you once you become uncomfortable - I
recommend politely asking them why they are being
mean/disrespectful towards you. They will probably crack a joke
or again try to pin the issue on you ("oh come on, it's a joke,
why are you being so uptight"). Just keep asking them why they
are being disrespectful ("I don't understand, I've already told
you that I'm not comfortable with that, can I ask why you keep
pressuring me?"). Eventually they'll run out of steam and feel
foolish. Hopefully you'll get an apology at that point, once
they've realized how unreasonable their behaviour is.
#Post#: 12386--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: bopper
Date: August 27, 2018, 1:30 pm
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I don't think they would take away your drink package, I think
they would charge for more drink packages.
#Post#: 12389--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: JeanFromBNA
Date: August 27, 2018, 1:43 pm
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--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> I don't think they would take away your drink package, I think
they would charge for more drink packages.
>
--- End Quote ---
I came here to say exactly that. And you wouldn't find out
until you checked your statement. I had that happen to me. I
ordered an alcohol package (which included soda, juice, etc.)
for myself, and got my husband only a soda package because he
doesn't drink. Ever. I noticed a charge for an alcohol package
and when I disputed it, they insisted that they saw me buying my
husband and other people drinks. It took several trips to
customer service, and ended with me shouting at the customer
service desk at the end of the cruise because the clerk accused
me of lying and refused to get a manager, and I realized that I
had to make a scene in order to get it resolved. Never again
with that cruise line.
#Post#: 12414--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: guest725
Date: August 27, 2018, 2:59 pm
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--- Quote from: DaDancingPsych link ---
>
>
> I have parents who are giving and have trampled my own
boundaries on several occasions. For example, I have lived alone
for well over a decade and never really had a Christmas of my
own. I decided this past year that I was going to buy myself a
present... maybe even wrap it up and open it on Christmas
morning. ;D I proudly told my parents that I had decided to
buy myself a George Foreman grill. I purchased it; it was
delivered; I mentioned to my parents that it had arrived. Then I
got the disappointed whine, "but we already bought you one." It
was so very thoughtful of them to purchase this for me, but they
missed the point. ***I*** was finally doing something for myself
and their gift came with a certain level of disappointment.
Since then, I have decided that I am going to try my "Christmas
For One" again this year, but I will be announcing what "Santa"
got me AFTER Christmas. ;)
>
--- End Quote ---
What do you mean by "a Christmas of your own"? And why would you
announce what "Santa" brought you after Christmas? Perhaps I'm
missing something here.
#Post#: 12421--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being the Square
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: August 27, 2018, 3:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: puppylove link ---
>
> [quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=632.msg12336#msg12336
date=1535378132]
>
> I have parents who are giving and have trampled my own
boundaries on several occasions. For example, I have lived alone
for well over a decade and never really had a Christmas of my
own. I decided this past year that I was going to buy myself a
present... maybe even wrap it up and open it on Christmas
morning. ;D I proudly told my parents that I had decided to
buy myself a George Foreman grill. I purchased it; it was
delivered; I mentioned to my parents that it had arrived. Then I
got the disappointed whine, "but we already bought you one." It
was so very thoughtful of them to purchase this for me, but they
missed the point. ***I*** was finally doing something for myself
and their gift came with a certain level of disappointment.
Since then, I have decided that I am going to try my "Christmas
For One" again this year, but I will be announcing what "Santa"
got me AFTER Christmas. ;)
>
--- End Quote ---
What do you mean by "a Christmas of your own"? And why would you
announce what "Santa" brought you after Christmas? Perhaps I'm
missing something here.
[/quote]
I live alone. When I wake up Christmas morning (like any other
morning), I am alone. There are no presents under the tree,
unless I put them there. So, if I want a storybook Christmas
morning, I have to make that happen. (I have to put presents
under the tree to open Christmas morning.) For the past decade,
I have not done that. It always seemed a bit silly to put a
present under the tree for the next morning, because I put it
there and I know what it is. So, I haven't done it. I haven't
even bought myself a present in that time. This past year, I
decided that I deserved a present and sense there is no
significant other to do it, I would do it myself. Hence,
"Christmas For One". It probably sounds silly and self-absorbed,
but I imagine that others living alone may understand the
feeling.
And by "Santa", I am referring to myself. I am not a believer in
the man coming to my home to deliver a present under the tree.
(For all of those believers out there, I am envious!) I was
trying to be funny by calling myself Santa... if you catch my
drift.
Either way, I shared the story in the hopes that the OP would
know that there are others out there with giving parents who
sometimes give in ways that can be disappointing. It sometimes
feels ungrateful to have these feelings, but I think that I
understand what the OP is trying to say.
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