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#Post#: 12343--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Twik
Date: August 27, 2018, 9:31 am
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I agree with Anon4Now. This isn't the way you, or many others,
would deal with the situation. But that doesn't mean it's
necessarily wrong, or so harmful that people outside the family
circle have to jump in to protect the child. As much as I may
agree that they're practicing a little deliberate blindness,
until they ask for help, or until the child is actually in
danger, silence is the best approach. If they're really into
denial, having someone from outside the family tell them their
child needs special assistance won't go down well.
#Post#: 12345--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Irishkitty
Date: August 27, 2018, 9:40 am
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--- Quote from: Bgolly link ---
>
> Thank you everyone for your input. I will continue with what I
have been doing and say absolutely nothing. He is a great kid.
It really is none of my business.
>
--- End Quote ---
I had a kind-of-similar situation, except it was a really dear
friend who had a child with very obvious developmental delays
and physical problems, and never seemed to speak a word about
it. It took me more than two years to finally say "We go back a
long time and I love you and your child. But I've been curious
as to why you've never mentioned Daughters developmental delays.
I know it's not my business, but if you want to talk about it
I'm here to listen". She actually laughed because she realised
that she had spoken about her daughters problems so often with
so many people that she didn't realise that she had never
specifically told me about them and said that she loved the fact
that when we got together it was never topic of conversation and
that I treated her daughter as a normal child. But, that said,
the difference in that situation was that I was (am) very close
to her and have known her since we were kids. I think it depends
on your closeness to the parent as to whether you can or should
ask sensitive questions.
#Post#: 12347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 27, 2018, 9:52 am
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--- Quote from: Bgolly link ---
>
> Thank you everyone for your input. I will continue with what I
have been doing and say absolutely nothing. He is a great kid.
It really is none of my business.
>
--- End Quote ---
I'm still curious about what your goal was to have his
disability be acknowledge in some way to you. I have a sister
who at times brings up things and feels others are hiding or not
acknowledging an issue. My position with her is that just
because they aren't discussing with you doesn't mean they are
ignoring the issue.
So hoping to get some insight into your thought process.
#Post#: 12358--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 27, 2018, 10:50 am
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--- Quote from: Irishkitty link ---
>
> ...It took me more than two years to finally say "We go back a
long time and I love you and your child. But I've been curious
as to why you've never mentioned Daughters developmental delays.
I know it's not my business, but if you want to talk about it
I'm here to listen...
--- End Quote ---
I get that "etiquette" sortof does not matter among friends, but
I just cringe at the idea that anyone is somehow "owed" an
explanation or discussion. Imagine replacing the green with
"your wife's obesity," or "your son's body odor," or "your
nephew's pornography addiction" or "your mother's hoarding
issues." It just strikes me as really icky. I still think it is
best to show friends that you are "there" for them but allow the
friend to decide when and if to discuss whatever specific
issues. Otherwise it comes across as an extremely poorly thought
out intervention of sorts!
#Post#: 12408--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Mara Jade
Date: August 27, 2018, 2:27 pm
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I can understand being concerned. Your friends might not realize
their child is behaving atypically, or be unwilling to face the
the consequences and so they'd rather just not know. I've asked
a friend if they'd gotten their child tested, but I knew them
well and they knew we'd gone through something similar. It
doesn't sound like you have that level of connection with your
friends where you could bring something like that up. Now that
their kid is in school, the kid's teachers should be reaching
out to the parents if needed.
#Post#: 12425--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: swedishfish
Date: August 27, 2018, 3:49 pm
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Oh boy. I'm a bit shy charging in here, but I'm the opposite end
of your problem. I have a child with a medical condition that we
only share with the absolutely closest of friends and family. My
child has a play mate whose parents are constantly inviting my
child for sleepovers, or offering to babysit while my husband
and I do a date night, and we aren't comfortable with that at
this time. However, we don't want to share that info, as we
aren't close enough to disclose it, even though we consider this
other couple to be friends.
Honestly, it's just personal and private...and we don't want our
child to feel singled out or different. But we also know that,
at this time, we trust few people to deal with some very
specific medical needs that would likely arise in our absence.
And a part of it is that I have heard my friend, the mother of
the other child, being critical of my parenting choices in other
small matters (the sugar content of a cereal my daughter likes,
how late we started potty training, that sort of thing).
Private medical info is just that, private. I'm glad to hear
that you'll just continue treating the child the same. I'm sure
they know what issues he's facing, and have their reasons for
not discussing them with you.
#Post#: 12644--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Irishkitty
Date: August 29, 2018, 10:58 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> [quote author=Irishkitty link=topic=629.msg12345#msg12345
date=1535380812]
> ...It took me more than two years to finally say "We go back a
long time and I love you and your child. But I've been curious
as to why you've never mentioned Daughters developmental delays.
I know it's not my business, but if you want to talk about it
I'm here to listen...
--- End Quote ---
I get that "etiquette" sortof does not matter among friends, but
I just cringe at the idea that anyone is somehow "owed" an
explanation or discussion. Imagine replacing the green with
"your wife's obesity," or "your son's body odor," or "your
nephew's pornography addiction" or "your mother's hoarding
issues." It just strikes me as really icky. I still think it is
best to show friends that you are "there" for them but allow the
friend to decide when and if to discuss whatever specific
issues. Otherwise it comes across as an extremely poorly thought
out intervention of sorts!
[/quote]
[member=32]Jem[/member] I used the term "developmental delays"
for example only, in fact the child has very obvious physical
disabilities, however I didn't and don't want to get into detail
here. I would never comment or intervene with their parenting
style, nor did I press for or feel 'owed' a discussion or
explanation. Just wanted to clarify :)
#Post#: 12646--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Kimberami
Date: August 29, 2018, 11:26 am
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I have a set of friends, and the three of us used to spend a lot
of time together. Friend 1 has a child; Friend 2 is childless.
Friend 1's child is super friendly, a little rambunctious, and
filter less. All in all, she is a pretty typical child. When the
child was about 5, Friend 2 asked Friend 1 if she had ever had
her daughter tested for a specific developmental disorder. She
proceeded to explain all of the symptoms she had noticed in the
child. Long story short, this conversation ruined a friendship.
#Post#: 12650--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 29, 2018, 11:51 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Irishkitty link ---
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=629.msg12358#msg12358
date=1535385037]
> [quote author=Irishkitty link=topic=629.msg12345#msg12345
date=1535380812]
> ...It took me more than two years to finally say "We go back a
long time and I love you and your child. But I've been curious
as to why you've never mentioned Daughters developmental delays.
I know it's not my business, but if you want to talk about it
I'm here to listen...
--- End Quote ---
I get that "etiquette" sortof does not matter among friends, but
I just cringe at the idea that anyone is somehow "owed" an
explanation or discussion. Imagine replacing the green with
"your wife's obesity," or "your son's body odor," or "your
nephew's pornography addiction" or "your mother's hoarding
issues." It just strikes me as really icky. I still think it is
best to show friends that you are "there" for them but allow the
friend to decide when and if to discuss whatever specific
issues. Otherwise it comes across as an extremely poorly thought
out intervention of sorts!
[/quote]
[member=32]Jem[/member] I used the term "developmental delays"
for example only, in fact the child has very obvious physical
disabilities, however I didn't and don't want to get into detail
here. I would never comment or intervene with their parenting
style, nor did I press for or feel 'owed' a discussion or
explanation. Just wanted to clarify :)
[/quote]
My point was that regardless of the _____ I think you (general)
initiating a conversation about _____ comes across as
insensitive at best and almost picking a fight by staging an
unwarranted intervention at worst. If a person wants to discuss
_____ with you, they will. Especially if the _____ is obvious,
they don’t need you to point it out to them and give your
opinions. If you feel the need to stage an intervention, I think
you need to be prepared to lose a friend. (Again, all “you”
general).
#Post#: 12734--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Titanica
Date: August 30, 2018, 3:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking about this thread earlier today, and something
else occurred to me.
If, at some point, she does decide to share with you information
about her son, be supportive and non-judgmental (which I'm sure
you will be), but also please resist the temptation to say
anything like "You know, I KNEW there was something wrong with
him!" or "I always wondered by he wasn't ________" or anything
to that effect. It's the last thing your friend needs to hear.
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