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#Post#: 12152--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Bgolly
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:14 pm
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Dani321 you hit the nail on the head! Thank you for your input.
I actually babysat him for a whole day just before he turned 4.
His nanny was sick. He was still in diapers. The parents didn't
say a word about it. I'm not looking for reasons to single him
out or make him different. He is a wonderful child and a
pleasure to be around.
#Post#: 12153--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:15 pm
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What is your goal in having them "acknowledged" the disability
to you? I really don't get it. You say they tried to enroll the
child in a couple of schools. But you don't mention anything
that implies they are harming their child.
When DD was in preschool, she was in a class with a boy her age
that had been adopted. I really didn't notice that Alex was that
much developmentally behind because at 4 there was huge
variations in development levels. We later moved into an area
and DD and Alex ended up in 1st grade together and they lived
down the street from us. Alex continued to seem delayed to me
but, he was obviously in an extremely loving home. We invited
Alex to all of the neighborhood events we hosted. I heard
through the school grapevine that Alex received remedial help in
school which all I could think of was that I was glad our small
school could offer that added support. When the kids were in 2nd
grade, Alex was held back so he was now between DD and DS in
grades but we still included him. He was a very sweet young boy
but, yes it was becoming apparent that he wasn't as developed as
the other kids. By the time he was 10 and DS was 9, it was
apparent DS was socially and academically more mature than Alex.
Years later, Alex mom told me how much she appreciated that my
family never treated Alex any different. We interacted with him
on the development level he was at. We never questioned her
about the cause of the development delay. Alex is now a well
performing 20 year old working at a non-profit. He is a gracious
person and is extremely articulate and a pleasure to be around.
There would have been no value to Alex's life for his parent's
to spend time explaining his disability to me. Yes, i do now
know what it was now, but me knowing when he was younger would
not have brought any value to Alex.
#Post#: 12156--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Titanica
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:29 pm
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The fact that they haven't said anything to you does not, and
should not be construed to, mean that they don't know about it
and/or have not sought help for him. All it means is that they
haven't said anything to you. They no doubt have their reasons
for that, and you should respect that. Not everyone is so
public about their children's issues.
#Post#: 12157--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Bgolly
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:30 pm
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Hmmm. The schools they applied to are elite prep schools for
children heading to Harvard not public or even regular private
schools. Of course every child deserves an education and a place
in a regular classroom.
#Post#: 12158--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:41 pm
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--- Quote from: Bgolly link ---
>
> Dani321 you hit the nail on the head! Thank you for your
input. I actually babysat him for a whole day just before he
turned 4. His nanny was sick. He was still in diapers. The
parents didn't say a word about it. I'm not looking for reasons
to single him out or make him different. He is a wonderful child
and a pleasure to be around.
>
--- End Quote ---
Your posts come across as otherwise, at least to me. You DO view
him as different, and you are expressing discomfort for some
reason that the parents are not discussing the perceived
disability with you. You see this family three times per year.
Even if you saw them far more frequently than that, there is no
reason for the family to acknowledge anything to you at all. I
feel oddly almost offended by your approach, actually, and I am
not easily offended.
I am thinking about the various people and children in my life
who may or may not have developmental or other issues. It took
me a while because I don't think of these people in terms of
their "disabilities" but rather as the people they are. Does
Sam's son have autism? Well, I don't actually know his exact
diagnosis, nor do I feel entitled to know. I know Sam's son
likes video games and running. Is Jane completely deaf or is it
a speech impediment? So long as I can communicate with her, I
don't need to know unless she wishes to tell me. What about
Chuck's stuttering? I barely notice it anymore. Is Brian
dyslexic? Unless I am his parent or teacher, I don't need to
know unless he wants to tell me. Does Donna have cerebral palsy?
Well, this I know because her parents have been vocal about
experimental treatment and how it has helped her. But that is
certainly not the most interesting thing about Donna.
You ask "how to handle a situation that has developed (or some
words to that effect)" and frankly, I don't see that any
situation involving you has developed at all.
#Post#: 12159--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:51 pm
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--- Quote from: Bgolly link ---
>
> Hmmm. The schools they applied to are elite prep schools for
children heading to Harvard not public or even regular private
schools. Of course every child deserves an education and a place
in a regular classroom.
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't understand why you think the fact they applied to
certain schools is your concern at all. How does anyone know at
age 4 whether someone is Harvard bound anyway. Not all
developmental delays have anything to do with intelligence
either. Steven Hawking is one example of this. He struggled to
learn to read and struggled academically.
#Post#: 12161--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: pierrotlunaire0
Date: August 24, 2018, 3:08 pm
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I think the problem the OP is having is not that the child may
have a developmental issue which the parents are not
acknowledging. It is that they are trying to get the child into
a very rigorous academic school.
But, quite frankly, what can you do or say? A parent who is
that misguided is not going to listen to you.
There was an incident in Michigan (about 5 years ago, I think).
Two children, the boy was about 14, the girl was about 8 and
severely developmentally disabled. The parents had heard of
facilitated communication, in which a non verbal child would
communicate via a keyboard and with the aid of a facilitator who
would help the child (ideally by helping the child press down
hard enough on the keyboard to register the child's attempts).
The school system resisted: Facilitated Communication has been
strongly discounted due to accusations that the facilitator was
doing everything, but the parents sued to force the school to
set this up.
Within a short period of time, the girl was writing poetry, long
historical essays, flying through math homework. The father
later admitted that he was already setting aside money for her
to attend (he was hoping) Harvard. This in spite of the fact
that when the facilitator was not present, the girl could do
nothing, not dress herself (there was no physical disability)
nor be potty trained.
Unfortunately for every concerned, the girl then started writing
accusations of rampant sexual abuse against both parents and her
brother. After a very long investigation, it was proven that
the facilitator was responsible for it all, but only after both
children were removed from the home for over six months, and her
brother was also treated as a molester.
After all of this was finally cleared, the parents indicated
that they still wanted their daughter to go to Harvard. It is
sad, but what can you do or say that will change the situation?
They are not physically abusing the child. In many ways, they
are hurting themselves.
#Post#: 12166--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Luci
Date: August 24, 2018, 3:59 pm
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I love all of the explanations so won’t add any. I agree with
treat the child as a person and don’t try to give advice or
interfer with how he is being raised.
#Post#: 12178--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Bgolly
Date: August 24, 2018, 5:10 pm
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Thank you everyone for your input. I will continue with what I
have been doing and say absolutely nothing. He is a great kid.
It really is none of my business.
#Post#: 12198--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: guest657
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:46 pm
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I have kind of the opposite situation. I have a friend who has
gone on at length to me, for years, about all the things she
thinks are wrong with her daughter, and all the different
therapies she has tried (on her own), and all the meetings she's
had at school to try to get her daughter on an IEP.
This is a sweet, bright little girl who is cognitively right on
track and seems a bit of a late bloomer in other ways. She is
immature, socially inept, and kind of awkward. She potty-trained
late and wet the bed for a bit longer than average. She is very
sensitive to sensory things, so she can only tolerate soft
clothes and has some picky-eating issues. It's possible she is
on the spectrum. Maybe, maybe not. Her mom did get her evaluated
for ADHD, and the meds have helped settle down her impulsivity
and lack of an "inside voice."
The one thing Mom refused to do is take the child to get
properly evaluated for a spectrum disorder or developmental
delays. And the school won't put her on an IEP without a
diagnosis. And they won't refer her for intervention because
she's a solid "B" student working at grade level, has no major
emotional or behavior disruptions, and responds appropriately to
ordinary classroom expectations/discipline.
But every week for years I had to hear about this or that new
disorder and what Mom was doing about it. I kept asking why she
didn't have her evaluated, and she said she didn't want her
child labelled, because she might get a stigma and it would
affect her self-esteem. Oh, Lord, the irony.
I have to tell you, I think your friends are doing it right.
Nothing could be worse for a child's self-esteem and their
ability to navigate the world, than to have their parents going
around telling everyone how broken their kid is.
If he was still in diapers at four, they know he is not
developing on a typical curve. (BTW, my friends with
special-needs kids tell me that in the US the terms "typical"
and "atypical" are preferred. "Normal" and "abnormal" have a
strong connotation of superiority/inferiority.)
If he's obviously continuing to mature, then they are giving him
the care he needs.
They may have applied to the private schools because of some
alternative teaching methods they thought would be beneficial.
But no harm was done - they didn't get scammed or ripped off,
and it didn't harm the school or any other applicants.
If you're going to babysit him, obviously you should ask about
any specific needs that are out of the ordinary. But other than
that, unless they ask your advice I don't think there's any room
or any call for you to weigh in.
It sounds to me like you feel that they are holding you at a
distance by not confiding in you. Maybe you feel a sense of
solidarity, because families facing challenges need community
and support -- but they haven't bonded with you in that way.
That's a generous impulse, but the more you accept their son at
face value without prying or giving unsolicited advice, the more
likely they are to build that trust with you over time.
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