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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 12124--------------------------------------------------
Disability Denial???
DIR By: Bgolly
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:17 am
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Hello all. I have a question about how I should handle a
situation that has slowly unfolded over 7 years. Some dear
family friends had a baby boy 7 years ago. Over the years it has
become apparent that the child has significant developmental
delays. The parents have never said a thing about it. In fact
when he was due to start kindergarten his mother took him to the
2 private schools in our city for interviews hoping to get him
in. These schools reject "normal" children if they don't pass
their rigorous testing. We were most recently at his 7th
birthday party and he was clearly at a 4 year old level. We
socialize with the family 3 times a year yet nothing has been
said. My youngest DS is hearing impaired with hearing aids. We
have obviously discussed it at length with everyone. It has
never been a source of shame or secrecy. I know they don't "owe
us an explanation" but as the years go on and he grows up it
seems to be almost like the elephant in the room. It there a
polite way to acknowledge his disability? With my DS we welcome
questions. We have taught him that it is just part of who he is.
#Post#: 12126--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:22 am
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“I know they don’t owe us an explanation.”
Full. Stop.
#Post#: 12127--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:23 am
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Also, I would find it strange to have your child’s hearing
issues discussed at length “with everyone.”
#Post#: 12130--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Writer of Wrongs
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:44 am
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I would recommend focusing on the boy as a person, more than as
a perceived disability. The more head space you give this, the
more likely it is to come across in your treatment of and
attitude toward him. And the less likely the parents will be to
discuss any of it with you.
#Post#: 12132--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: iolaus
Date: August 24, 2018, 12:10 pm
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One of my daughter's friends (who she has known now for 14
years) only has 2 fingers and a thumb on one hand. I found out
about this recently when she mentioned something about how he
held a pen (OK I'm not very observant) when I asked her why
she'd never mentioned it, she answered with 'why would I? It's
obvious it'd be like telling you he had brown hair'. Not
discussing it isn't a form of secrecy or shame, it's just true
acceptance
If they had said he had a diagnosis of X would you treat him any
differently? Or would you treat him as the little boy he is
with his own unigue gifts and quirks?
I don't think someone I saw once every 4 months would
automatically qualify with 'must discuss every detail of
everything' status (they may especially if you are in frequent
contact with them, but not in the same way someone who I saw
several times a month is)
#Post#: 12133--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: Bgolly
Date: August 24, 2018, 12:15 pm
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Jem the reason I discussed this with my friends at length is
because he was diagnosed at 3 after 2 years of speech therapy
and hearing tests. He had a bad speech delay and we were trying
to figure out what the problem was. Sometimes people share these
things with friends. I guess I should have worded it as such
instead of "at length with everyone." Of course I don't
approach people and attempt to engage in conversation with
strangers about this.
#Post#: 12135--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: August 24, 2018, 12:40 pm
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I work with children and fall within the "need to know" group.
Many parents do not disclose this information, because I think
that they are either embarrassed or in denial or afraid that I
will not treat their child like the others. (Meanwhile, if I
know what is going on, I can often make adjustments so that the
child IS treated like the others.) But no matter what this
family's reasoning for not telling you, I do not see where they
need to. How would this change the situation? When you socialize
with this family just enjoy the child for who he/she is and not
worry about any disabilities.
#Post#: 12136--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: dani321
Date: August 24, 2018, 12:43 pm
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These parents may have their head in the sand, or they may be
pursuing options for their son and just don't talk about it. But
unless the child's safety is at stake, all you can really do is
treat him the same as you would any other child, while being
kind enough to keep in mind his limitations - ie, if you truly
believe he is mentally at the level of a 4 year old, you might
cut him a little slack if he does something that a 7 year old
would get in trouble for, if or when he is under your care.
Definitely please don't make a point of treating him differently
than other kids, so that he or others feel like there's
something different, abnormal, or wrong about him. Have a little
extra patience with him and his parents. They may not handle it
the same way that you would, but they are most likely doing
their best. Aside from that, there's really no way you can say
anything to the parents about their son. Either they are well
aware or they are in denial, but having it pointed out to them
by a friend won't help, even if you mean well. Hopefully, if
they are in denial, their pediatrician or the child's educators
will bring it up soon enough.
--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> Also, I would find it strange to have your child’s hearing
issues discussed at length “with everyone.”
>
--- End Quote ---
FWIW, I read that part as, you're open about it, and make sure
that anyone who is around your son is aware of his hearing
issues, not that it's constantly a subject of conversation with
everyone you come across. My assumption was that you included
that part because you feel like that would make your friends
more comfortable discussing their child with you. (I'm not
trying to put words in your mouth, or assign any intention to
you that you didn't have, but since it was already commented on,
I wanted to share my own prospective)
#Post#: 12141--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: August 24, 2018, 1:13 pm
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--- Quote from: dani321 link ---
>
> These parents may have their head in the sand, or they may be
pursuing options for their son and just don't talk about it. But
unless the child's safety is at stake, all you can really do is
treat him the same as you would any other child, while being
kind enough to keep in mind his limitations - ie, if you truly
believe he is mentally at the level of a 4 year old, you might
cut him a little slack if he does something that a 7 year old
would get in trouble for, if or when he is under your care.
Definitely please don't make a point of treating him differently
than other kids, so that he or others feel like there's
something different, abnormal, or wrong about him. Have a little
extra patience with him and his parents. They may not handle it
the same way that you would, but they are most likely doing
their best. Aside from that, there's really no way you can say
anything to the parents about their son. Either they are well
aware or they are in denial, but having it pointed out to them
by a friend won't help, even if you mean well. Hopefully, if
they are in denial, their pediatrician or the child's educators
will bring it up soon enough.
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=629.msg12127#msg12127
date=1535127801]
> Also, I would find it strange to have your child’s hearing
issues discussed at length “with everyone.”
>
--- End Quote ---
FWIW, I read that part as, you're open about it, and make sure
that anyone who is around your son is aware of his hearing
issues, not that it's constantly a subject of conversation with
everyone you come across. My assumption was that you included
that part because you feel like that would make your friends
more comfortable discussing their child with you. (I'm not
trying to put words in your mouth, or assign any intention to
you that you didn't have, but since it was already commented on,
I wanted to share my own prospective)
[/quote]
This is such a great post, dani321!
#Post#: 12144--------------------------------------------------
Re: Disability Denial???
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: August 24, 2018, 1:29 pm
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--- Quote from: DaDancingPsych link ---
>
> [quote author=dani321 link=topic=629.msg12136#msg12136
date=1535132619]
> These parents may have their head in the sand, or they may be
pursuing options for their son and just don't talk about it. But
unless the child's safety is at stake, all you can really do is
treat him the same as you would any other child, while being
kind enough to keep in mind his limitations - ie, if you truly
believe he is mentally at the level of a 4 year old, you might
cut him a little slack if he does something that a 7 year old
would get in trouble for, if or when he is under your care.
Definitely please don't make a point of treating him differently
than other kids, so that he or others feel like there's
something different, abnormal, or wrong about him. Have a little
extra patience with him and his parents. They may not handle it
the same way that you would, but they are most likely doing
their best. Aside from that, there's really no way you can say
anything to the parents about their son. Either they are well
aware or they are in denial, but having it pointed out to them
by a friend won't help, even if you mean well. Hopefully, if
they are in denial, their pediatrician or the child's educators
will bring it up soon enough.
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=629.msg12127#msg12127
date=1535127801]
> Also, I would find it strange to have your child’s hearing
issues discussed at length “with everyone.”
>
--- End Quote ---
FWIW, I read that part as, you're open about it, and make sure
that anyone who is around your son is aware of his hearing
issues, not that it's constantly a subject of conversation with
everyone you come across. My assumption was that you included
that part because you feel like that would make your friends
more comfortable discussing their child with you. (I'm not
trying to put words in your mouth, or assign any intention to
you that you didn't have, but since it was already commented on,
I wanted to share my own prospective)
[/quote]
This is such a great post, dani321!
[/quote]
Agree!!
I wasn't sure if the "denial" was that they aren't mentioning it
to you or if you're concerned that they are in denial. If it's
that they're in denial, dani321 is right, educators and medical
professionals will call it to their attention with suggestions
for evaluations and intervention soon enough. If they've been in
denial and have a hard time with the news, be prepared to
support them through the process to their acceptance of it. If
your natural tendency is to say, "but look on the bright side,"
resist that temptation. (There's a thread here with good advice
on how to avoid that.)
For your interactions with the child, adjust your expectations
and your interactions to his developmental level and interact
with him like you would any other child.
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