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#Post#: 12856--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: September 1, 2018, 9:47 pm
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Thanks for all the discussion everyone! Someone mentioned my
text back to Beth, I wrote it, showed it to Anna and she hit
send. Admittedly, those were probably the words I wished she'd
texted me about the coffee card or the baby gift. As I said in
the OP, I really identified with Beth and I had a hard time
staying calm/ neutral.
If I were calmer I'd have used TootsNYC's words below. Because
that's what I was trying to get across to Anna, but I was too
caught in "No kid thinks Costco socks are a gift!" and that was
too mired in the detail of the situation. I needed to zoom out
better to the context. I'm keeping the bolded in my back pocket
because, sadly, this will probably come up again.
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote author=Uncle Rupert link=topic=628.msg12150#msg12150
date=1535137750]
> Anna is not “pragmatic,” she’s boorish and rude. If I were
Beth, I would never buy another gift for anyone in the whole
damn family.
>
--- End Quote ---
And this is my opinion as well.
Plus, Anna is controlling.
It's just so phenomenally rude. Especially the "take them back
and give me the money"!!!
If you ever get the chance to address this again, there's this
point (which I may have made more eloquently elsewhere on this
site):
Gifts are about creating relationships. They are NOT about the
exchange of goods or monetary value--that is "commerce."
When Beth bought the socks, she was trying to send a message
to the kids: "I think about you. I want you to have fun or cool
things, and I want you to remember me, and how much I like you,
when you use those fun or cool things."
It's important that parents allow space in their children's
lives for those sorts of relationships with OTHER grownups.
I like Judecat's point about the difference between a donation
and gift.
(I've sometimes made a distinction that financial help to my
niece was a grant, not a gift and not a loan--it had strings,
but it didn't need to be paid back; it was given with the
express purpose of achieving a goal.)
[/quote]
#Post#: 12990--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Soop
Date: September 4, 2018, 11:20 am
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> On an organizing forum, I had a friend who, when asked what
she wanted for Christmas, said, "I want a year's worth of toilet
paper." Her MIL thought that was silly--but then she decided to
get that for her. And my forum friend found it so very restful
to never have to worry about running out of toilet paper. She
was so appreciative that the MIL then decided to give her a
year's worth of laundry detergent for her birthday.
>
> But here is the place in which this gift giving OVERLAPS with
yours. The gift was not "toilet paper."
> The gift was "never having to worry about buying toilet
paper."
>
--- End Quote ---
My sister and BIL and my husband and I do an annual staycation
together in September and go the big local film fest for a week.
My sister usually gives us a hostess gift because we end up at
our place when we are not out seeing movies or doing other
things in the city. One year it was toilet paper. She wasn't
trying to imply that we couldn't afford tp, but rather saving us
the hassle of restocking with the extra bodies in our place.
Another year she brought me 5 lbs of sugar (I always hear
Marilla's voice in my head..."20 pounds of brown sugar").
September is close to Christmas baking season and we do a lot of
baking. And we don't have a car and sugar is heavy. Also a great
gift.
#Post#: 14540--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Uncle Rupert
Date: September 25, 2018, 6:02 pm
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Last year, I sent a beautiful Easter bonnet to my niece for her
4-year old daughter to wear to church on Easter Sunday. My
sister called me and said my niece wasn't interested in going to
church because she is raising her children to make up their own
minds about religious beliefs. I said, she can believe whatever
she likes - we're not fanatics - but we've always gone to church
on Easter. My mother loved to go to show off a new dress and
catch up with old friends, etc.
Reluctantly, they show up. None of them in dresses, and no
Easter bonnet in sight. I asked my niece what happened to it,
and she said she thought I was joking and she threw it out! And
she laughed about it! What little girl wouldn't love to be
dolled up in a cute dress and an Easter bonnet? I haven't sent
any of them another present.
#Post#: 14547--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: September 25, 2018, 7:26 pm
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--- Quote from: Uncle Rupert link ---
>
> ... I asked my niece what happened to it, and she said she
thought I was joking and she threw it out! And she laughed about
it! ...
>
--- End Quote ---
#Post#: 14552--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: wolfie
Date: September 25, 2018, 7:44 pm
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--- Quote from: Uncle Rupert link ---
>
> Last year, I sent a beautiful Easter bonnet to my niece for
her 4-year old daughter to wear to church on Easter Sunday. My
sister called me and said my niece wasn't interested in going to
church because she is raising her children to make up their own
minds about religious beliefs. I said, she can believe whatever
she likes - we're not fanatics - but we've always gone to church
on Easter. My mother loved to go to show off a new dress and
catch up with old friends, etc.
>
> Reluctantly, they show up. None of them in dresses, and no
Easter bonnet in sight. I asked my niece what happened to it,
and she said she thought I was joking and she threw it out! And
she laughed about it! What little girl wouldn't love to be
dolled up in a cute dress and an Easter bonnet? I haven't sent
any of them another present.
>
--- End Quote ---
Me. I hated dresses and anything on my head.
#Post#: 14553--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Uncle Rupert
Date: September 25, 2018, 7:47 pm
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--- Quote from: gramma dishes link ---
>
> Wait! Who threw it out? Your four year old niece or your
sister?
>
> Yeah. That would be the end of the gift giving right there.
>
--- End Quote ---
The 4-year old is my grandniece. My niece, the child's mother,
threw it out.
#Post#: 14561--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Celestia
Date: September 25, 2018, 9:30 pm
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--- Quote from: Uncle Rupert link ---
>
> Last year, I sent a beautiful Easter bonnet to my niece for
her 4-year old daughter to wear to church on Easter Sunday. My
sister called me and said my niece wasn't interested in going to
church because she is raising her children to make up their own
minds about religious beliefs. I said, she can believe whatever
she likes - we're not fanatics - but we've always gone to church
on Easter. My mother loved to go to show off a new dress and
catch up with old friends, etc.
>
> Reluctantly, they show up. None of them in dresses, and no
Easter bonnet in sight. I asked my niece what happened to it,
and she said she thought I was joking and she threw it out! And
she laughed about it! What little girl wouldn't love to be
dolled up in a cute dress and an Easter bonnet? I haven't sent
any of them another present.
>
--- End Quote ---
Dude though...pressuring a non-religious family who you KNOW to
be non-religious to go to one of the biggest religious services
of the year is not cool. Pressuring them to conform to
traditional dress on top of that is just petty.
#Post#: 14566--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: September 25, 2018, 9:55 pm
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--- Quote from: Celestia link ---
>
> [quote author=Uncle Rupert link=topic=628.msg14540#msg14540
date=1537916564]
> Last year, I sent a beautiful Easter bonnet to my niece for
her 4-year old daughter to wear to church on Easter Sunday. My
sister called me and said my niece wasn't interested in going to
church because she is raising her children to make up their own
minds about religious beliefs. I said, she can believe whatever
she likes - we're not fanatics - but we've always gone to church
on Easter. My mother loved to go to show off a new dress and
catch up with old friends, etc.
>
> Reluctantly, they show up. None of them in dresses, and no
Easter bonnet in sight. I asked my niece what happened to it,
and she said she thought I was joking and she threw it out! And
she laughed about it! What little girl wouldn't love to be
dolled up in a cute dress and an Easter bonnet? I haven't sent
any of them another present.
>
--- End Quote ---
Dude though...pressuring a non-religious family who you KNOW to
be non-religious to go to one of the biggest religious services
of the year is not cool. Pressuring them to conform to
traditional dress on top of that is just petty.
[/quote]
I agree. Uncle Rupert, you seem to dislike your niece as you've
told several stories about her but most of the stories are how
she doesn't fit your image of how you think she should be. Not
every little girl loves to be "dolled up" and your niece may
have thought you *were* joking for giving her daughter something
that's not her style.
#Post#: 14576--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Dazi
Date: September 26, 2018, 6:44 am
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--- Quote from: Uncle Rupert link ---
>
> Last year, I sent a beautiful Easter bonnet to my niece for
her 4-year old daughter to wear to church on Easter Sunday. My
sister called me and said my niece wasn't interested in going to
church because she is raising her children to make up their own
minds about religious beliefs. I said, she can believe whatever
she likes - we're not fanatics - but we've always gone to church
on Easter. My mother loved to go to show off a new dress and
catch up with old friends, etc.
>
> Reluctantly, they show up. None of them in dresses, and no
Easter bonnet in sight. I asked my niece what happened to it,
and she said she thought I was joking and she threw it out! And
she laughed about it! What little girl wouldn't love to be
dolled up in a cute dress and an Easter bonnet? I haven't sent
any of them another present.
>
--- End Quote ---
Personally I hated Easter Sunday service. I went under great
protest as a child. Those damn dresses are itchy and hot. I
remember stripping down to my slip and taking off my tights once
when I was maybe six or seven when my great aunt dragged me to
church with her. And I wasn't going to put anything on my dang
head either... Don't even try that nonsense.
It was hot as the seventh circle of hell with all the people who
showed up who never regularly went to church. The crush of the
crowd freaked me out. Oh, and I'm RIDICULOUSLY allergic to
Easter lilies and perfumes, which were crammed into every
available surface and everyone doused themselves in perfume. So,
the entire service, I was sneezing, coughing, my eyes looked
like I had been on a weeks long bender, and had two asthma
attacks, all because of damn flowers combined with every
combination of rank old lady perfume.
So, no, in conclusion, not every little girl dreams of getting
dressed up and going to Easter Sunday service to show off her
dress.
#Post#: 14585--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: September 26, 2018, 8:30 am
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--- Quote from: Dazi link ---
>
> It was hot as the seventh circle of hell with all the people
who showed up who never regularly went to church, possibly
crowding out the regulars. The crush of the crowd freaked me
out.
--- End Quote ---
I don't go to church but always find it rude and insulting to
the regulars and the clergy to show up only on holidays and
possibly crowding out the regulars. I don't know if it is and
always wondered how regular church goers feel; if they mind or
it's fine.
Also Uncle Rupert doesn't mention going to church on Easter for
religious reasons but to show off dresses and to socialize. I'm
not surprised if the niece threw away the hat as a form of
protest because of his demands that "You can believe what you
want. We always go to church on Easter." (implying he doesn't
care how she thinks, feels, and want).
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