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#Post#: 12307--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: MinMom3
Date: August 26, 2018, 9:18 pm
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Anna sounds difficult as all get out, and not entirely pleasant.
Rigid.....
No fun!
#Post#: 12309--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: kidsandme
Date: August 26, 2018, 9:22 pm
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--- Quote from: NFPwife link ---
>
>
>
> I think the last gift I bought was the baby outfit she tried
to exchange with me and have me buy something for an 18 month
old. I wasn't returning a gift that I'd bought almost a full
year earlier. I gave it to the newborn baby shower for women
with crisis pregnancies we have at church. (I told her that I
donated it.)
>
>
>
--- End Quote ---
Am I understanding this right, you bought her new baby a gift
and than a year later she wanted you to return it and get
something for an 18 month old? My gift giving to her and her
family would have stopped then.
#Post#: 12338--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 27, 2018, 8:56 am
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--- Quote from: AtHomeRose link ---
>
> I think Ann was rude in her interaction with Beth over the
socks, however I think it is fine for parents to refuse gifts on
behalf of their kids if they don’t want their kids to have that
particular item. I don’t think it needs to be a safety or even
morality issue and I don’t think a parent needs to ask the kid
about the gift if it is something the parent won’t let them
have.
>
> I have refused several gifts on behalf of my kids. For
example, we don’t have licensed character items or apparel in
our house. No matter how trendy, popular, fun, status symbol a
new star wars character shirt is my kids won’t be having one. I
don’t have a moral objection to star wars, we have watched and
liked the movies but I would not accept a gift of a character
shit. I could explain why but it does not matter. When I have
had to refuse a gift I have always kept it simple - “Thank you
so much for thinking of the kids, that is so kind of you but we
can’t accept that. I hope you can return it or find someone else
who will love it.”
>
> I think where Ann was really rude was trying to redirect the
gift offered. I think turning down the socks would have been
fine but not trying to get them exchanged for something else.
>
--- End Quote ---
Welcome to the board.
But I have to say I disagree with your approach. I believe the
better option is to accept the gift and then donate or give
away. I understand that you see the "no licensed" merchandise as
a moral or ethical issue, but I don't think it raises to the
level of say no alcohol or meat products in your home. Unless
the giver was already aware of your moral stance, I think the
better approach is to accept the gift and then later mention
your family does not do licensed merchandise.
For example, there is a popular jewelry line that I'm opposed to
for my own personal reasons. I've been given a piece from this
line. I did not turn it down or mention my dislike of the line.
I instead gave it away to someone who I knew didn't hold my
beliefs. When my DD was in Jr. High, Abercrombie was popular. I
refused to allow her to wear the products. Yes, she received
gifts of clothing from the store and they were given away.
#Post#: 12365--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: dani321
Date: August 27, 2018, 11:52 am
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Wow! This is just......wow. I had no idea about these socks
either, but how hard is it to understand that something special
and trendy beats normal Costco socks? Gifts are supposed to be
somewhat frivolous and something that the receiver normally
wouldn't spend the money on, and something that they actually
want and can use. Beth hit all of these, and Anna was just
really ungracious. Soon it seems like Anna may not have this
problem any longer, because no one will want to give her or her
family gifts!
As far as whether parents have the right to refuse gifts on
behalf of their children, I think technically, they do have the
right, but that doesn't mean that there won't be any negative
consequences. I'm not a parent so I have no personal experience
from that side of things. If I'm buying a gift for a child, I'm
either going to ask the parent for ideas/interests, and/or be
considerate of them when I make a purchase - ie, choosing not to
buy things that are messy or loud, or that contradict their core
political, moral or religious values. If a parent told me to
take back a gift that is generally considered appropriate, that
may dictate whether or not I choose to purchase any more gifts
for that family. If a parent told me to take back a gift, and
send them the cash, then that would most certainly ensure I
never bought a gift for them again, and the kids are the ones
who end up missing out, which is sad.
It's not on the page that I can see now, but another poster
mentioned a FIL buying out of tune musical instruments for their
kids. I do think that family is the exception to the rule here,
depending on your relationship with your in-laws. Especially
since these are people who will be buying gifts for your
children for years to come, I think it's more than okay to set
some guidelines!
#Post#: 12375--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Aleko
Date: August 27, 2018, 12:31 pm
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--- Quote ---
> But I have to say I disagree with your approach. I believe the
better option is to accept the gift and then donate or give
away. I understand that you see the "no licensed" merchandise as
a moral or ethical issue, but I don't think it raises to the
level of say no alcohol or meat products in your home. Unless
the giver was already aware of your moral stance, I think the
better approach is to accept the gift and then later mention
your family does not do licensed merchandise.
--- End Quote ---
Oh gosh, for heaven's sake don't do that! That's an appallingly
hurtful way to handle it.
Consider: suppose you give me what you think is a nice present;
I accept it, with expressions of gratitude. But later I mention
that I/my family never use this thing on moral grounds. You
can't help but think: 'But, I gave her one and she acted all
pleased and grateful but after she took it she . . . what?
Threw it in the bin? Gave it to a jumble sale? Why didn't she
feel able to be honest with me - are we not such good friends as
I thought?' (And you will be even more hurt and cross if you
actually knew somebody else who would have really liked this
thing, or you would have liked to keep it yourself, but had
specially decided to give it to me.)
Sure, there's no way to reject a friend's gift that isn't a bit
dismaying. But by not doing it face to face but slipping out the
message indirectly, you sacrifice the chance of assuring them
how much you appreciate the generosity and affection that
prompted it; the rejection is all there is.
#Post#: 12381--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 27, 2018, 12:58 pm
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> [quote]But I have to say I disagree with your approach. I
believe the better option is to accept the gift and then donate
or give away. I understand that you see the "no licensed"
merchandise as a moral or ethical issue, but I don't think it
raises to the level of say no alcohol or meat products in your
home. Unless the giver was already aware of your moral stance, I
think the better approach is to accept the gift and then later
mention your family does not do licensed merchandise.
--- End Quote ---
Oh gosh, for heaven's sake don't do that! That's an appallingly
hurtful way to handle it.
Consider: suppose you give me what you think is a nice present;
I accept it, with expressions of gratitude. But later I mention
that I/my family never use this thing on moral grounds. You
can't help but think: 'But, I gave her one and she acted all
pleased and grateful but after she took it she . . . what?
Threw it in the bin? Gave it to a jumble sale? Why didn't she
feel able to be honest with me - are we not such good friends as
I thought?' (And you will be even more hurt and cross if you
actually knew somebody else who would have really liked this
thing, or you would have liked to keep it yourself, but had
specially decided to give it to me.)
Sure, there's no way to reject a friend's gift that isn't a bit
dismaying. But by not doing it face to face but slipping out the
message indirectly, you sacrifice the chance of assuring them
how much you appreciate the generosity and affection that
prompted it; the rejection is all there is.
[/quote]
I'd much rather learn later that a gift I gave was not to the
recipients liking rather than have it immediately rejected.
Because it is supposed to be the "thought that counts" not the
actual item.
I would never, ever reject a gift immediately because the thing
was not something I would enjoy or want. Rejecting the gift is
rejecting the action of giving the gift. I put more importance
on the idea that someone wanted to give me something that the
actual item.
#Post#: 12383--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: bopper
Date: August 27, 2018, 1:17 pm
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Is Anna against "fad" stuff?
Is Anna annoyed that she didn't get to be the one to give the
fun item?
Is Anna just cheap and not want her children to be the
beneficiaries of the monetary value of the gift?
Is Anna mad that she isn't getting the attention?
Does Anna not want to have to match socks? If all socks are
black or white then you don't have to deal with that.
#Post#: 12397--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Mara Jade
Date: August 27, 2018, 1:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Sorry, I'm still learning how to quote. Regarding declining gift
for your children, surely it's not a one-size fits all case?
Some relative you see once a year that gives your kid something,
you thank them politely and donate it. A close friend you see
each week that somehow slipped up or didn't think before they
bought it, you thank them politely and then mentioned later in a
less emotionally charged situation than gift giving about
donating it, and you talk it out. I'd hesitate to say anything
right as they gave the gift, it would likely hurt feelings in
the moment, but then I avoid personal conflict at all costs.
Regarding the grandparent giving the low-quality instruments,
that's a tough one. You can mention later that they broke / wore
out and had to be discarded, but knowing my dad he'd insist on
having it back so he could "fix" it. He'd be hurt if we just got
rid of it. Happily my mom steps in and takes care of gift giving
occasions, and the poor quality toys my dad likes to discover
and "fix" stay at their house.
#Post#: 12399--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: August 27, 2018, 1:56 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: kidsandme link ---
>
> [quote author=NFPwife link=topic=628.msg12301#msg12301
date=1535333548]
>
>
> I think the last gift I bought was the baby outfit she tried
to exchange with me and have me buy something for an 18 month
old. I wasn't returning a gift that I'd bought almost a full
year earlier. I gave it to the newborn baby shower for women
with crisis pregnancies we have at church. (I told her that I
donated it.)
>
>
>
--- End Quote ---
Am I understanding this right, you bought her new baby a gift
and than a year later she wanted you to return it and get
something for an 18 month old? My gift giving to her and her
family would have stopped then.
[/quote]
Yep. It went something like this -
Anna - I got so many newborn things that I never got a chance to
put your gift on (baby). So, if you could return it and get
something 18-24 months, that'd be great. I don't have any 18-24
month clothes for winter because (older child) was 9-12 months
in the winter.
Me- (with what I hope was a look of horror) There was a gift
receipt. You try taking it back.
Anna- I'm just so busy with (baby) that I don't have the time.
(Places gift beside me.) Besides, if you used your (store) card,
they'll just look it up and give you a credit.
Me- Yeah, I really don't want to be "that person" at (store). I
can't imagine that going smoothly.
Anna- Oh, they'll do it. I'm sure they will.
I picked up the bag when I left and told DH who told me if I
tried to return it to buy something for myself with the credit.
I was still firmly in the "I'm not going to be 'that person' "
mindset so I donated it at church and didn't say anything until
Anna followed-up and asked if I'd returned it for a winter
outfit and I said, "I donated the outfit to the crisis pregnancy
baby shower. I'm sure a new mom will love it. Especially one who
might not get much from friends and family."
She stammered a little and I just moved the conversation to
something else.
And, yes, that was the last significant gift I bought her or her
children. She hadn't had a baby shower for the second child and
I gifted that shortly before the baby's birth. I've done the odd
little thing here or there, but that was the final straw.
#Post#: 12403--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: August 27, 2018, 2:07 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Answers in the quote tree
--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> Is Anna against "fad" stuff? I'd say she's generally against
fad things. Especially if she thinks they're not well made or
there's a comparable item at a better price. Neither are true,
IMO, of the Nike Elite socks. (No, I'm not a representative of
Nike :) )
>
> Is Anna annoyed that she didn't get to be the one to give the
fun item? I think she will be when she sees the reaction the
socks get. I picked up a bit of that when the boys were excited
over facetime.
>
> Is Anna just cheap and not want her children to be the
beneficiaries of the monetary value of the gift? I think she's
cheap and was trying to come up with a plan whereby the gift
also benefited her. By getting a check for the Costco socks
she'd save money. The boys getting Nike Elite socks means that
she paid for the Costco socks and they got a gift. Her solution
was "win-win" - in her mind.
>
> Is Anna mad that she isn't getting the attention? No, I think
she was really about saving money.
>
> Does Anna not want to have to match socks? If all socks are
black or white then you don't have to deal with that.
>
> I wondered about that because I have another friend that does
Sam's Club socks for her kids so she doesn't have to match
socks. Each kid has their brand of sock and she just slices open
the bag, dumps it in the corresponding kiddo's drawer and when
it's laundry time she sorts by brand and dumps them back in the
drawers. She has six kids. I think, even with her system, she'd
allow gift socks, but the child would be responsible for making
sure both got in the wash and back to them.
>
> I was prepared for Anna to say something about the matching
because I was going to recommend the sock clips we use, but she
didn't.
>
--- End Quote ---
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