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#Post#: 12123--------------------------------------------------
Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:01 am
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I'm wondering what your thoughts are on refusing a gift on your
child's behalf.
Some background - I posted about this friend on the old site.
She habitually has told me what's "wrong" with the gifts I
bought to the point that I've seriously cut back gifting her
anything. For instance, she loves coffee, I bought her a gift
card to a national coffee chain, mailed it to her in a card and
got a "Thanks for the gift card, I'm not sure I can use it
because there's no coffee chain near me," text. I replied with
the address of one not far from her. She replied that she never
goes to that side of town. I replied, "They're national. I'm
sure you'll run across one somewhere :D " She replied to the
text thread a couple weeks later with "I went to that one and
bought bags of coffee so I ended up using it after all." (I
wanted to reply with an eyeroll emoji, but didn't.) This is also
a friend who gave me back a newborn baby gift and asked me to
exchange it for a larger size for the, now 10-12 month old baby.
All that to say, this thing pushed all my buttons and I might
have over-identified with Beth in this situation. (Might? Okay I
did.)
I met friend, let's call her Anna, for lunch. She'd been texting
with a friend, Beth, on her way to the lunch spot. (Anna's car
system was reading the texts and she was replying with a voice
to text feature in the car.)
Beth texted that she'd bought Anna's boys socks as a back to
school treat. (These are a "fun" kind of sock; they are popular
with kids and about $14-$20 a pair.)
Anna tells Beth that the kids don't need socks. She just bought
some.
Beth tells Anna that these are hip and cool socks.
Anna says something like "They're fine with Costco socks. If you
really want to give them socks, you can return those and send me
the money. I just bought them each a bag of black socks and
white socks from Costco. I'll give them the bags of socks and
say they're from you." (That's almost verbatim. Anna showed me
the texts because she was so perplexed about why Beth seemed
annoyed and wasn't sending her money for socks.)
Beth tried to hang onto why she wanted them to have these fun
socks and then, basically, says, "This is turning into too much
of a problem. Nevermind. I'll give them to kids at my church."
Like I said, Anna met me right after and she could not
understand why Beth seemed annoyed and why Beth wouldn't just
send her the money for the Costco socks. I said, "Really? You
don't get this? You really do. not. get. this?"
I said, "You're too pragmatic. The socks are a trendy and a bit
of a status symbol among kids. Beth wants them to have them.
Right here (pointing to a text Beth sent) your reply should have
been 'That's so thoughtful of you to think of my boys! Thank
you! They'll love the socks!' Nothing else. Nothing. Else."
Then I said, "You refused the gift on behalf of the boys without
even asking them if they'd like the socks. I can see refusing
something if it's against your values, like you don't want them
to have a machete, but these are socks."
Anna said, "$14 socks are against my values!"
I said, "Which is why Beth is gifting them to the kids. And
you're taking 'Against my values' too far." Anna said the kids
wouldn't even know the sock brand and wouldn't want them. I
pointed out that she didn't ask and she facetimed the kids.
Guess what? They wanted the socks.
So I wrote a text to Beth on Anna's phone where Anna basically
apologized for being too pragmatic and that she didn't realize
how cool the socks were and the kids will love them. Anna read
it sent the text. The kids are getting the socks.
After the whole thing, Anna still couldn't see where she was
being too pragmatic ("I don't want Beth to waste her money!")
and that Costco socks aren't a back to school gift that will wow
middle class kids. And she was setting Beth up to look
ridiculous if she pigeonholed Beth into gifting those bags of
warehouse socks. ("I would have saved her money!") Also, at 12
and 9, her kids are old enough to give an opinion and have it
respected. (It seemed hard for her to hear that her kids wanted
some "fancy" socks.)
Like I said in the beginning, I was firmly on Beth's side in
this because I've been Beth in these exchanges, so I thought I'd
get perspective here.
When is it okay to refuse a gift on behalf of your children? Is
it fair to allow the children to have it even if it's not
something you value but doesn't conflict with one of your major
values? At what age do the kids get input?
Thanks!!
#Post#: 12125--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:18 am
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Aside from any moral or safety reason (tweens + machetes = bad
news), I do not think you get ANY say in a gift. The appropriate
response should have been "How thoughtful!" Even if the gift is
frivolous and something that you would not typically buy for
your kids, you still just show your appreciation. If the gift is
something thoughtful, but falls into the category of something
you do not want your kids to have, you provide the thanks and
intercept the gift. If the person is gifting for alternate
reasons, I think one can definitely speak up then.
If she really thought that the boys would not like the socks,
she should have kept that to herself (unless friend was
requesting guidance in a gift.) And I agree that tweens are old
enough to form their own opinions about such things. But even if
the boys really wouldn't enjoy a gift, this is a wonderful
moment to teach your children how to graciously accept an
unwanted gift. Teach them to express the appropriate thank you
and then find a new home for the gift.
#Post#: 12129--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Writer of Wrongs
Date: August 24, 2018, 11:35 am
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Honestly, Anna sounds more bullheaded and selfish than
pragmatic. She chose the Costco socks and anything she hadn't
chosen wasn't happening - that's the message that comes through.
Although Anna may honestly think this is about saving Beth
money, the end result is that she's trying to control how Beth
spends her own money.
When I was a kid, Rainbow Brite was a big thing. My parents
thought it was silly, but when my grandparents gave me a Rainbow
Brite doll, they didn't object or interfere. Why? Because it was
my grandparents' money, to spend as they saw fit, and this was
something they had wanted to do for me.
If it's something that's not harmful or offensive to values, and
the child is old enough to have an opinion, then yes, the
child's opinion should be taken into consideration. (And as
DaDancingPsych mentioned, it's a good time to teach children
about graciously receiving gifts.)
#Post#: 12143--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: August 24, 2018, 1:22 pm
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Great points! Especially about teaching the children how to
graciously accept a gift. That was a total missed opportunity
for me. It would have been a round about way to also teach her
about graciously accepting a gift. I did point out to her that
Beth wasn't seeking advice about what to buy the kids, but that
she'd already bought the socks and then only thing to say is,
"Thank you! How lovely of you! They'll love them," but I could
have driven homethe points that a. Beth isn't seeking feedback
on the gift and b. graciously accept it better. The conversation
was moving fast.
I think she thinks she's helping everyone learn to be a better
gifter and do things "right" in the future. She said to me, "No
one ever complains about the gifts I give!" Also a missed
opportunity to say, "There are a lot of reasons ppl might not
complain, you could be the worlds most perfect gifter or... they
could be polite and know how to graciously accept a gift."
I'm going to keep both in my back pocket for when this comes up
again. She was so utterly perplexed that Beth couldn't just
write her a check for Costco socks that I'm sure she'll mention
it again. If not only to try to convert me to her side. I'm
laughing about it now as I type it, but it wasn't funny in the
moment. I'm tempted to buy her a big bag of Costco socks for the
next gift giving occasion.
#Post#: 12149--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Model
Date: August 24, 2018, 1:57 pm
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I'm very curious about what kind of socks these are.
#Post#: 12150--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Uncle Rupert
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:09 pm
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Anna is not “pragmatic,” she’s boorish and rude. If I were Beth,
I would never buy another gift for anyone in the whole damn
family.
#Post#: 12151--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:11 pm
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Nike Elite socks. They come in cool colors and designs and have
some performance features.
--- Quote from: Uncle Rupert link ---
>
> Anna is not “pragmatic,” she’s boorish and rude. If I were
Beth, I would never buy another gift for anyone in the whole
damn family.
>
--- End Quote ---
I have a feeling that's where Beth is right now. That's where
I've landed. I guess I was being generous with the "pragmatic"
conceptualization. I see everyone's points about "stubborn" or
"boorish and rude."
#Post#: 12155--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: frog24
Date: August 24, 2018, 2:28 pm
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I wish there was a polite way of putting the kibosh on gifts for
the kids. Because I've felt unable to say anything, we're now
the proud owners of:
- Two guitars that can't be tuned (as in the tuning pegs don't
hold the string tension)
- Two ukeleles that can't be tuned (as in, poor quality
instruments where you tune two strings and tuning the third puts
the first two out of tune again)
- Three keyboards of some sort (floor piano, book with
children's songs and a tiny, tinny portable 3 octave keyboard
that defaults to mega loud!!! every time it's turned on.
My FIL picks up these "treasures" at the flea market and each
child has to have her own instrument; they can't possibly share.
Please keep in mind I am a trained pianist, and we have a full
size piano in the house, so the kids can play on it whenever
they want. Hearing untuned instruments actually hurts my heart
as well as my ears.
That said: socks are always a great gift for kids. Cool socks
are a treasure. I hope you get to use your catch phrases on
Beth soon, because she needs to hear them from someone close to
her that she trusts.
#Post#: 12167--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: Aleko
Date: August 24, 2018, 4:12 pm
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--- Quote ---
> Because I've felt unable to say anything, we're now the proud
owners of:
> Two guitars that can't be tuned (as in the tuning pegs don't
hold the string tension)
> Two ukeleles that can't be tuned (as in, poor quality
instruments where you tune two strings and tuning the third puts
the first two out of tune again)
> Three keyboards of some sort (floor piano, book with
children's songs and a tiny, tinny portable 3 octave keyboard
that defaults to mega loud!!! every time it's turned on.
--- End Quote ---
That's a foul, foul fault on the part of your FIL. There are a
few categories of present that nobody should EVER give to
children without clearing it with their parents first, and
foremost among them are:
- live pets
- musical instruments.
If he had checked with you first, you could at least have
pointed out how frustrating it would be for your children to
have instruments that couldn't be played properly.
#Post#: 12175--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing a gift on behalf of your children
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: August 24, 2018, 5:02 pm
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--- Quote from: NFPwife link ---
>
> I think she thinks she's helping everyone learn to be a better
gifter and do things "right" in the future. She said to me, "No
one ever complains about the gifts I give!" Also a missed
opportunity to say, "There are a lot of reasons ppl might not
complain, you could be the worlds most perfect gifter or... they
could be polite and know how to graciously accept a gift."
>
--- End Quote ---
Agree with you here. Anna probably only thinks she’s a good
“gifter.” Everyone else just has the good manners not to say
anything, because I’m willing to bet her gifts are impersonal,
boring, or of the “WTH” variety.
I would love to see her reaction if you do gift her with a bag
of Costco socks - actually, perhaps give her that for every
occasion from now on.
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