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#Post#: 11916--------------------------------------------------
Bridal Showers
By: accountingisfun Date: August 22, 2018, 9:11 am
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This probably belongs more in hugs please, but it is wedding
related.
BG: I have 2 sisters, one I'm not super close with, but we
aren't fighting or anything either - for this I'll call her OS
for oldest sister. OS has 8 kids and for the first 2 of her
daughter's weddings my MS (middle sister) and I have co-hosted
the bridal shower for the bride to be. We usually do it at MS
house because her house is only 20 minutes from OS house,
whereas mine is 45 minutes away. OS and MS are super close and I
am often forgotten about until the last moment when making
plans. End BG.
My nephew from OS is getting married this fall. I'm very happy
about it and talked to MS about getting together to co-host a
shower for the bride to be. It honestly slipped my mind a bit
until I saw a post on Facebook today that the wedding was about
2 months away. I texted MS to start shower planning. In this, I
found out that OS had already asked MS to co-host a shower with
the bride to be's sister, and that they set a date and
everything. I'm feeling a little forgotten about the work for
the last two showers. For the first, I did all the planning,
invites, and most of the food, it was just located at MS house.
I planned an activity that would take the place of shower games
since my mom's family loathes shower games. I also helped cater
the wedding providing desserts for the snack and dessert shower.
For the second one, I did the food and beverages for the shower.
I learned that my work wouldn't be appreciated, so I kept
everything low key. It was a pretty sad shower in that not many
people attended the shower for the second niece due to lots of
last minute planning issues and the lack of an activity other
than just opening presents.
In order to not be rude, I'm sucking it up and offering to help
with the shower, though I'm feeling pretty left out in the whole
thing. My MS is saying that the bride's sister isn't being at
all helpful with the shower planning, so I will be doing the
work of co-hosting work. Should I keep the help minimal or
should I suck it up and do a large portion of the work? I feel
that it isn't the bride's problem that my OS forgets about me
which states I should do all I can to make the shower a success
for her sake. Thoughts?
#Post#: 11917--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: Jem Date: August 22, 2018, 9:32 am
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I would do as much as you wish to do happily and resentment
free. I wouldn't feel obligated to do anything, personally. It
sounds like you feel that the work you did on previous events
has not been adequately appreciated, so an expectation that your
work on this upcoming shower would appreciated as you would like
it to be is unreasonable at this point.
If you get personal joy from the work you do in planning and
executing the shower, regardless of whether you get credit for
what you have done, do that! If you will be upset that your work
is not appreciated how you want to be appreciated, I would save
myself the hurt feelings and simply attend the shower as a
guest.
#Post#: 11922--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: lakey Date: August 22, 2018, 10:27 am
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I think you need to accept reality and not try to take
responsibility for other people's decision making. You've
co-hosted in the past. This time your two sisters made a choice
that made you feel unappreciated and, from the sound of it, a
bit resentful. So why did you offer to help? Your sister has
made her decision. She has had the experience of co-hosting two
showers. She knew what she was getting into when she decided to
use the bride's sister as a co-host instead of you. The bride's
sister may have no idea what goes into hosting a shower. Your
sister should have thought of that. She could have had all three
of you as co-hosts. Your sister is perfectly capable of doing
everything that you did for the first shower. Everything. She
can hand the bride's sister lists of jobs to take care of, along
with a completion time for each job. I think the real issue here
is your need to take responsibility for THEM.
If you enjoy helping and want to help, then help. However, if
you feel that you are being taken advantage of, since you
already offered to help, offer to do one minor job you don't
mind doing, and let them handle the rest. They aren't children,
and they should be able to handle this. I really believe that if
you clean up other people's messes, they never learn.
#Post#: 11935--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: Aleko Date: August 22, 2018, 11:34 am
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My feeling is that it's not your circus, not your monkeys.
This is a different event from the last two since this time the
bride is not from your family, so it's entirely proper, even
necessary, for someone on her side of the family to be involved
in her shower. And you said yourself that MS is a lot closer to
OS than you are, so it's natural that OS should ask her to do
the co-hosting. It's not in any way a given that you should be
involved, so it's not for you to barge in unless someone who is
involved asks you to.
[quote]Should I keep the help minimal or should I suck it up and
do a large portion of the work? [/quote]
Do only tasks that the shower organiser(s) specifically ask you
- nicely- to do. And having done them, don't suggest doing any
more. Wait to be asked.
And, on a purely selfish level, if this thing does fall over
because at the beginning they decided they could do without you,
you don't want to take responsibility at the eleventh hour and
succeed in turning a complete disaster into only a 'pretty sad
shower' like the last one; since you'll by then be the person
apparently in charge, everyone will naturally assume it's your
fault and blame you. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if that is
why you've been sidelined this time.
You may feel sorry for the bride but it isn't on you to ride in
on your white horse and save the day, and it doesn't sound as
though you could succeed, anyway - you might even make things
worse by getting everyone thoroughly confused about who is
supposed to be doing the work. Just sit on your hands.
#Post#: 11940--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: iolaus Date: August 22, 2018, 11:52 am
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TBH I think I'd be annoyed more at MS who, when OS asked her to
do the shower, didn't say that you and her were already planning
one
Although I admit to knowing very little about shower etiquette
as not from the US but doesn't the mother of the groom asking
someone to throw the couple a shower go against some sort of
rules?
#Post#: 11948--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: Hmmm Date: August 22, 2018, 12:38 pm
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I have a few thoughts.
First it sounds like the plan is for the bride to have 1 shower
for both sides of the family since your OS asked MS to co-host
with bride's aunt. Therefore, I can see why OS reached out to MS
who she is closest with to get the planning going. Yes, MS,
could have contacted you to see if you were interested in being
a hostess. But since a lot of the coordination needs to occur
with the bride, I can see why MS would let the bride's aunt pick
a date and most of the pre-planning.
Second, it sounds like you may enjoy showers more than members
of your family? You mention that you found out your
contributions wouldn't be appreciated and also that your family
loathes shower games so you planned a different activity.
Since it sounds like you've already offered to assist MS with
this shower, I agree that I would contribute as much as you are
willing to do without resentment. You offered to help. It
doesn't sound like MS called begging for your help. So figure
out what you're willing to do. Make cookies, bring drinks, help
the day of the party with set up and clean up? You pick the
items and offer that to MS. And then leave the rest up to the
"hostesses" you are doing the planning with the bride.
#Post#: 11950--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: GardenGal Date: August 22, 2018, 12:43 pm
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[quote]Do only tasks that the shower organiser(s) specifically
ask you - nicely- to do. And having done them, don't suggest
doing any more. Wait to be asked. [/quote]
This, so much! You were left out of the planning, for whatever
reason(s), so don't feel as if the planners expected anything at
all from you. Not your circus, not your monkeys! And if OS has
another 5 kids still to be wed, there will be plenty of
opportunity for her to contact you in a timely fashion for help
in the future.
#Post#: 11963--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: dani321 Date: August 22, 2018, 1:58 pm
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[quote author=iolaus link=topic=622.msg11940#msg11940
date=1534956721]
TBH I think I'd be annoyed more at MS who, when OS asked her to
do the shower, didn't say that you and her were already planning
one
Although I admit to knowing very little about shower etiquette
as not from the US but doesn't the mother of the groom asking
someone to throw the couple a shower go against some sort of
rules?
[/quote]
I agree with that - MS could have included OP, since they'd
already talked about it.
As far as the shower etiquette, technically no, the mother of
the groom shouldn't "ask" someone to host a shower, but in this
case she was asking her sister, so I don't think those rules
really apply, especially since MS was already planning to host
and they have a good relationship. If we're going with the
strictest of etiquette, no one in the family should host it at
all, but not very many people actually get upset about that. In
my opinion, an aunt is far enough removed, but some can be
sticklers for rules.
If this were me, I would be breathing a sigh of relief to have
been excluded from the work of hosting the shower, but I know
some people enjoy that kind of thing. The best advice I can give
is not to offer or agree to do anything that you may feel
resentful for later. Only offer to do what you'd really like to
do, so that you can feel good about it, and not used. I wouldn't
try to pick up the slack from the bride's sister, I don't mean
to sound callous, but that's their problem, and if the bride's
shower isn't perfect, she can blame her sister - plus, the bride
will be just fine if she doesn't have a perfect shower! She will
not suffer, remind yourself of that when you feel like you
should do more than you really want to. Worst case scenario, if
you didn't help at all, they don't have enough food, or any
decor, activities or door prizes etc, but the bride and upcoming
marriage will still be celebrated! So give yourself permission
not to be the martyr here, OP :)
#Post#: 12034--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: lowspark Date: August 23, 2018, 11:33 am
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[quote author=accountingisfun link=topic=622.msg11916#msg11916
date=1534947102]
My nephew from OS is getting married this fall. I'm very happy
about it and talked to MS about getting together to co-host a
shower for the bride to be.
<snip>
I texted MS to start shower planning. In this, I found out that
OS had already asked MS to co-host a shower with the bride to
be's sister, and that they set a date and everything.[/quote]
I had to reread the OP a few times and then this sunk in. You
and MS had already discussed throwing the shower together, and
then she proceeded without you?
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=622.msg11935#msg11935
date=1534955677]
My feeling is that it's not your circus, not your monkeys.
<snip>
Just sit on your hands.
[/quote]
This is where I fall.
IF and only IF you are asked to do some minimal specific tasks,
then by all means, go ahead and help out. But to offer a vague
"I'll help" and then end up doing the lion's share of the work?
Well, to be honest, I'm not altruistic enough to do something
like that.
Again, only do what is specifically asked by MS and keep it to a
minimum. So if she says "can you help with the food?" You say,
"Sure, tell me exactly what you need me to bring" or you say
"Sure, I can bring my world famous potato salad."
You don't say, "Sure, I'll make the main dish, three sides and
dessert." And if she asks for you to bring all that, you say,
"Sorry, I really can't commit to doing that much. I can bring my
world famous potato salad."
#Post#: 12035--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bridal Showers
By: NyaChan Date: August 23, 2018, 11:49 am
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This might be a bit hurtful but from my perspective it might
help if you take their actions at face value. They don’t want
you as a hostess. If they did, they would have asked you. You
see it as a “well of course I’ll help because I’m the aunt” but
they don’t see it the same way. I’d just back off and let them
have the shower as they wanted it. Even if they did accept your
work now, it’s not because they want you to be involved, it’s
because they want the “stuff.”
I get it, it hurts and you feel like you can contribute and
still be a part of the inner circle, but I wouldn’t count on
that. Somekne I thought was my best friend is getting married
and she didn’t ask me to be even a bridesmaid. I wasn’t invited
to her shower and none of the planning details beyond venue
(like picking a dress) were shared. I really wanted to ask
about how things were going and when invited to the bachelorette
to submit ideas and items for the party, but I realized that my
sense of closeness clearly wasn’t the same as hers and I needed
to respect that and be what I was invited to be: a guest.
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