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#Post#: 11634--------------------------------------------------
One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: August 18, 2018, 12:27 am
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Warning - long post!
Background: Carol and Dora are friends. Carol is organising a
fun 'girls day out' with Alice and Betty (eg maybe some wine
tasting, lunch, board games, etc), and asks Dora if she'd like
to join them. Dora has met and socialised with Alice and Betty
before, and they all seemed to get on ok. Dora reveals that she
already has tentative plans that weekend with two of her other
friends, Erica and Fiona, and the three of them are planning on
having a fun weekend away in the country. However, they haven't
booked accommodation yet, and between them Carol and Dora decide
that maybe everyone could book a place together for the weekend.
Alice and Betty like this plan, and the six women end up booking
a larger holiday house which fits everyone.
The situation: On the first evening, everyone arrives at the
holiday house. Alice, Betty and Carol greet the others
enthusiastically and introduce themselves to Erica and Fiona,
but receive rather muted and oddly formal replies ("How are you,
it's nice to meet you", etc). Alice, Betty and Carol have each
brought their own food for the BBQ, but Dora, Erica and Fiona
have coordinated their dinner plans, having stopped on the way
for ingredients. They take over the kitchen, and make risotto
for the three of them. Then, rather than join Alice, Betty and
Carol at the dining table, they take their plates into the
living room, where for the next 4-5 hours they proceed to watch
movies until late. They do not ask if Alice, Betty and Carol
would like to join them, so Alice, Betty and Carol just hang out
by themselves in the kitchen before going to bed.
The next morning, it turns out that Dora, Erica and Fiona have
also coordinated their own breakfasts. They take over the
kitchen again and make pancakes (from scratch) for just the
three of them. This time, they sit at the table and eat with the
others, and there is some polite general chat. After breakfast,
the women all head to a local winery. There is some limited
interaction between the women, but the focus is mostly on wine
tasting and the tour of the winery.
Afterwards in the winery carpark, Dora, Erica and Fiona suddenly
announce to the other three women that they are off to hike a
popular walking trail. This is the first that Alice, Betty and
Carol have heard of this plan. Dora, Erica and Fiona jump in
Dora's car and take off, leaving the other three staring at each
other. Again, there is no invitation extended to Alice, Betty
and Carol. So they head back to the house in Carol's car, and
spend the afternoon playing board games and hanging out.
When the other three return, it's late afternoon. Alice, Betty
and Carol ask how the hike was. They receive politely formal
responses. ("It was very nice, thank you."). After freshening
up, Dora, Erica and Fiona troop outside, but rather than join
Alice, Betty and Carol on the veranda (where there are plenty of
seats) they keep going, and sit at the picnic table at the
bottom of the garden, open a bottle of wine and chat among
themselves. After awhile, Carol goes down and joins them. To
their credit, they make room for her on the bench and include
her in their conversation. Alice and Betty stay on the veranda
and don't bother joining the others.
That evening, it's more of the same. Dora, Erica and Fiona take
over the kitchen again, having coordinated dinner between
themselves (home-made pizzas for the three of them), and watch
their movies together in the living room. Alice, Betty and Carol
build a (legal!) campfire outside, and ask Dora, Erica and Fiona
if they'd like to hang out by the fire. Dora, Erica and Fiona
come outside and make politely formal comments ("What a lovely
fire!"), but go back inside after a few minutes.
The next morning is the last day. Alice, Betty, and Carol
suggest that all six of them have a nice breakfast at a nearby
cafe, before heading back to the city. However, Dora, Erica and
Fiona declare they are 'feeling tired' and 'just want to get
going'. So they pack up and take off.
Alice, Betty and Carol think the whole dynamic was bizarre and
uncomfortable. They think Dora, Erica and Fiona were rather
stand-offish and exclusionary. However, when Carol tries to talk
to Dora about it, Dora takes a different view. Dora doesn't
think anyone was wrong, but rather, the 'two groups' had
'different expectations' of the weekend. Dora feels that she,
Erica and Fiona already had their plans, and the other three
(Alice, Betty and Carol) had their plans, and both groups simply
happened to be staying at the same holiday house because it was
convenient. Furthermore, Dora maintains there was nothing to
prevent Alice and Betty (and to a lesser extent, Carol) from
joining in more (for example, sitting at the picnic table, or
watching movies in the evening with Dora, Erica and Fiona, etc).
That they chose not to is on them.
What do you guys think. Were Dora, Erica and Fiona rude? Or was
it a case of miscommunication and mismatched expectations?
#Post#: 11643--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: vintagegal
Date: August 18, 2018, 6:23 am
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I think it is likely that Erica and Fiona were quite put out at
having 3 extra people suddenly join their weekend.
"between them Carol and Dora decide that maybe everyone could
book a place together for the weekend. "
"Alice and Betty like this plan,"
I don't see any mention of E & F being consulted or giving their
approval.
#Post#: 11645--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: Hanna
Date: August 18, 2018, 6:39 am
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If I were Dora, I would be embarrassed by the standoffish
behavior of my friends.
I do wonder if she even consulted them before changing the
plans, or if she proposed this as sharing the house with others
in order to get a nice place for a lower price.
In Carol's shoes I would cool my friendship with Dora. I can't
be close to someone that isn't friendly and welcoming to my
other friends.
#Post#: 11646--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: August 18, 2018, 6:41 am
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--- Quote from: vintagegal link ---
>
> I think it is likely that Erica and Fiona were quite put out
at having 3 extra people suddenly join their weekend.
>
> "between them Carol and Dora decide that maybe everyone could
book a place together for the weekend. "
>
> "Alice and Betty like this plan,"
>
> I don't see any mention of E & F being consulted or giving
their approval.
>
--- End Quote ---
Sorry - to clarify, Erica and Fiona were definitely consulted
before the holiday house was booked, and had ample time to voice
any objections!
#Post#: 11648--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: August 18, 2018, 7:53 am
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Maybe they had ample time to object, but didn't feel comfortable
doing so. Or maybe D/E/F still wanted their girls' weekend
with the just the 3 of them, but didn't mind sharing the house
with the others.
It sounds like a weird dynamic, but it also sounds like A/B/C
"invaded" someone else's weekend away without even making plans
for food.
#Post#: 11649--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: August 18, 2018, 8:41 am
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I think it's mostly on Carol and Dora - doesn't seem they
communicated what exactly each group was doing, and if they even
wanted to do things together. A+B seemed to be okay with it, but
E+F weren't. I think A/B/C were just a little more casual about
their food arrangements, they did bring their own food for the
barbeque and there's no indication in the post that they weren't
prepared for other meals, just surprised that the other group
would be so inhospitable ("taking over the kitchen" to make
their own meals, sitting elsewhere etc.) I don't think that
A/B/C "invaded" - neither group apparently had accommodations
yet and they all agreed to share a house. I think expectations
were different, and Carol and Dora didn't clarify enough what
the purpose of each group going there was, including dinner and
other activities, and if they would/could join each other. So
while I don't think A, B, E, or F were rude, they all could have
handled it with a little more grace.
#Post#: 11657--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: Celestia
Date: August 18, 2018, 10:26 am
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I think I'm with DEF...if I were going to a vacation house with
five other people, I definitely wouldn't expect the entire
weekend to consist of all six of us doing everything together. I
don't think "we're going hiking, see you later!" is rude, and I
don't think it was DEF's fault that ABC felt awkward about that.
I would have assumed ABC had their own stuff that they wanted to
do, or at least could find something (which it sounds like they
did....so where's the problem?)
I'm curious how they "took over" the kitchen...is that something
different from "they made themselves dinner"? Is there a reason
ABC couldn't cook before/after/alongside them?
#Post#: 11662--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: lakey
Date: August 18, 2018, 11:56 am
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This just sounds like poor communication. Putting 6 adults in
one house is going to have issues as far as groceries, food
preparation, sharing various rooms, activities, and so on. Then
you had a situation where there were two separate friend groups.
I don't think anyone was in the wrong here, or rude. You simply
had two groups, each having different expectations. It sounds
like there was no real shared understanding ahead of time of
what this weekend would be.
I've been involved in groups of friends close to this size that
went on shopping trips, skiing expeditions, and to theme parks.
Each time people tended to break off into groups of two or
three.
Once you saw how the trip was going, I think the three of you
should have made your own plans and enjoyed yourselves. Did you
do a little homework ahead of time to find out what was
available in the area? Then when one group went hiking, you
could have gone to some other attraction.
#Post#: 11666--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: Elmore 2.0
Date: August 18, 2018, 1:35 pm
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While no one is "wrong" it does seem strange to me and I would
definitely consider (if I were Carol) that my friendship with
Dora was not on the same level of open communication as I
thought and/or perhaps Dora didn't realize her friends weren't
as friendly to newcomers as she thought, but she didn't think it
was that big of a deal. I would go forward considering her more
of an acquaintance and act accordingly.
#Post#: 11672--------------------------------------------------
Re: One holiday house, two separate factions
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: August 18, 2018, 2:05 pm
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I'll add my voice to the miscommunication chorus. In a perfect
world you all would have gone out for coffee or drinks to plan
the trip a bit - everyone's share of expenses, joint activities,
shared meals, "on your own" meals, etc. etc. That face to face
meeting would have given everyone a sense of the chemistry of
the group, too.
Second option a group text or email on those details.
I don't think anyone was rude or wrong, per se, but it might
have been more enjoyable with a bit of planning.
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