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#Post#: 11117--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: August 9, 2018, 10:36 am
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You have already been given excellent advice, but I think I
would stop playing nice. If someone whines and makes you the
"meanie" whether it is this friend or someone else, I would lay
the facts out on the table. Friend is behaving not only poorly,
but dangerously.
In general, I do not mind if someone asks for a lift, but one of
the things that I hate the most is not being asked ahead of
time. Sure, the person might only live 15 minutes away from
where we are, but that might tact 30 minutes if I have to
backtrack. Thirty minutes might not be a big deal, but I would
want to plan for it. I attend a weekly gathering that ends at
midnight. By the time I get home, I am already way past my
bedtime! If I am dropping someone off afterwards, I can plan to
leave a bit earlier to accommodate the extra time. But it never
fails that the same people every week are looking for a ride at
midnight. ::) Plan ahead, kids!
#Post#: 11131--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: lakey
Date: August 9, 2018, 11:51 am
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--- Quote ---
>
> Re: Asking for a Lift
> « Reply #6 on: Today at 04:40:30 am »
> Quote
> Quote
> Also, setting rules for a person with a drinking problem
likely won't work.
>
> It's a mistake to assume that a person who routinely gets
drunk at parties has "a drinking problem". They may have one;
but equally they may just enjoy the psychological release o
getting drunk in company. Going out to 'get
bladdered/leathered/rat-ar*ed/trollied/pished' has, notoriously,
been an established social behaviour in Britain for centuries,
but the people who do it are mostly not alcoholics and could
perfectly well refrain from doing it if they needed or wanted
to. The question is, does this guy have enough decency (or even
sensible self-interest) to respect his friend's rules if they
are made plain to him?
--- End Quote ---
--- Quote ---
> 2) the person inevitably gets inebriated at the event and is
way too much to handle on the drive home (talking loudly and
gesturing wildly, distracting the driver, sometimes refuses to
wear seatbelt, is generally aggressive and annoying/unpleasant).
--- End Quote ---
That's why I used the term "drinking problem" rather than
"alcoholic". A person who "inevitably" drinks to the point of
causing problems for others, including "generally aggressive"
behavior has a drinking problem. I know plenty of people who
drink A LOT, but aren't addicts. People who are in the habit of
drinking like this are unlikely to follow OP's rules. By
offering the person a ride on the condition that they follow
rules, is setting herself up to once again be stuck driving a
car with a drunken person gesturing wildly, causing disruption,
and potentially causing an accident that affects the safety of
OP, her friend, and others on the road. It's possible that the
friend would have the decency to cut back on his/her drinking,
but I wouldn't take the risk.
#Post#: 11212--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: bopper
Date: August 10, 2018, 10:01 am
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If you cause other people problems when you drink, you have a
drinking problem.
#Post#: 11312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: Shores
Date: August 12, 2018, 3:52 pm
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It's not your responsibility or problem that this other person
burned bridges. I wouldn't give them a ride either and if I was
shamed for it I would find new friends.
#Post#: 11316--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: Rain
Date: August 12, 2018, 7:35 pm
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OP updates?
#Post#: 11336--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: August 13, 2018, 12:39 pm
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OP here. Thanks for all the comments and advice. Lift was
provided this weekend but I sort of chickened out about laying
down ground rules before the event (next time I am asked I will
be more prepared!).
Friend was well-behaved in the sense that they did not get drunk
at the party, but on the way home I did have to ask them to put
their seat belt on. Also, they received a call on their cell
phone and instead of calling back later, they proceeded to have
a 15-minute personal conversation while my partner and I sat
silent in the front seat. Weird.
#Post#: 11342--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: August 13, 2018, 1:49 pm
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--- Quote from: CamelliaHouse link ---
>
> OP here. Thanks for all the comments and advice. Lift was
provided this weekend but I sort of chickened out about laying
down ground rules before the event (next time I am asked I will
be more prepared!).
>
> Friend was well-behaved in the sense that they did not get
drunk at the party, but on the way home I did have to ask them
to put their seat belt on. Also, they received a call on their
cell phone and instead of calling back later, they proceeded to
have a 15-minute personal conversation while my partner and I
sat silent in the front seat. Weird.
>
--- End Quote ---
If someone wanted to have a long phone conversation while in my
car, it wouldn't cause me to sit silent, or to even feel I
needed to sit silent. I'm doing them a favor by driving them,
but that doesn't include me altering my own conversation to do
so.
#Post#: 11344--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: August 13, 2018, 2:14 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: GardenGal link ---
>
> [quote author=CamelliaHouse link=topic=598.msg11336#msg11336
date=1534181986]
> OP here. Thanks for all the comments and advice. Lift was
provided this weekend but I sort of chickened out about laying
down ground rules before the event (next time I am asked I will
be more prepared!).
>
> Friend was well-behaved in the sense that they did not get
drunk at the party, but on the way home I did have to ask them
to put their seat belt on. Also, they received a call on their
cell phone and instead of calling back later, they proceeded to
have a 15-minute personal conversation while my partner and I
sat silent in the front seat. Weird.
>
--- End Quote ---
If someone wanted to have a long phone conversation while in my
car, it wouldn't cause me to sit silent, or to even feel I
needed to sit silent. I'm doing them a favor by driving them,
but that doesn't include me altering my own conversation to do
so.
[/quote]
Agreed - it's just that the friend speaks so loudly that it's
impossible to have another conversation at the same time, and
also focus on driving on top of it all!
#Post#: 11346--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: August 13, 2018, 2:40 pm
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I think if it's bothering you while you're driving, you can
totally say, "George, I'm sorry--would you wrap up your call? I
find it distracting as I'm driving."
(though if you're distracted by his noise, you might be
distracted by other conversations--I know that sometimes when
I'm driving, I can't have people talking to me. They can talk to
one another, usually, but I can't be answering questions, etc.)
#Post#: 11352--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: cleargleam
Date: August 13, 2018, 3:26 pm
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--- Quote from: CamelliaHouse link ---
>
> [quote author=GardenGal link=topic=598.msg11342#msg11342
date=1534186156]
> [quote author=CamelliaHouse link=topic=598.msg11336#msg11336
date=1534181986]
> OP here. Thanks for all the comments and advice. Lift was
provided this weekend but I sort of chickened out about laying
down ground rules before the event (next time I am asked I will
be more prepared!).
>
> Friend was well-behaved in the sense that they did not get
drunk at the party, but on the way home I did have to ask them
to put their seat belt on. Also, they received a call on their
cell phone and instead of calling back later, they proceeded to
have a 15-minute personal conversation while my partner and I
sat silent in the front seat. Weird.
>
--- End Quote ---
If someone wanted to have a long phone conversation while in my
car, it wouldn't cause me to sit silent, or to even feel I
needed to sit silent. I'm doing them a favor by driving them,
but that doesn't include me altering my own conversation to do
so.
[/quote]
Agreed - it's just that the friend speaks so loudly that it's
impossible to have another conversation at the same time, and
also focus on driving on top of it all!
[/quote]
It may also be that you found half of the conversation is more
distracting; there have been a number of studies to this effect.
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