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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 11036--------------------------------------------------
Asking for a Lift
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: August 8, 2018, 3:48 pm
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How do people feel about asking others for a lift?
On the one hand, I feel it is presumptuous to ask others for a
lift to a party or special event. I always try to figure out my
own transportation/accommodation without relying or mooching off
of others. On the other hand, surely it makes sense to reach out
to people you have known for a long time to ask for a lift to a
special event you are both attending. If you are close friends,
the other party may even offer you a lift if you live close to
each other and they know that you don't have a car or an easy
way to get to an event.
I'm reflecting on this because a group of friends are attending
a party just a bit out of town. You need a car to get there. A
friend who lives nearby asked for a lift to the party. I am the
only person who lives reasonably close to this individual. I
used to offer this person lifts but stopped offering in the past
couple of years because 1) the person does not ever offer gas
money; and 2) the person inevitably gets inebriated at the event
and is way too much to handle on the drive home (talking loudly
and gesturing wildly, distracting the driver, sometimes refuses
to wear seatbelt, is generally aggressive and
annoying/unpleasant). At least once or twice in the past we have
refused to put the car in gear until said friend agreed to
buckle their seat belt (with much grumbling I may add).
I know most will say, "Never give this person a lift again, no
matter what," but this means that the friend will miss out on
group events. I would never live this down and would always be
perceived as a meanie if I refused to drive the friend to
events.
#Post#: 11037--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 8, 2018, 3:52 pm
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Who would perceive you as a meanie? There are cabs and ubers or
this person can get a car and drive himself. You don’t need any
reason to say no, but you have plenty of reasons anyway. Just
cheerfully say you won’t be able to give him a ride.
#Post#: 11043--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: Bada
Date: August 8, 2018, 4:32 pm
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Did you ever set ground rules with Friend before giving him
(her?) a ride? If not, it might be worth a shot.
"Sure Friend, I can give you a ride. That way we could split the
cost of the gas. You could throw in $10/Your share is $10. And,
so you know, I have a firm Seatbelt Rule. Anyone not willing to
wear a seatbelt will have to find another way home. It's also
important to me that I'm able to focus while driving, so even
though I'm the DD, my passengers still need to be [not
completely smashed/not unruly/something that communicates that
the prior level of distraction was not ok].
Typing all of this, it occurs to me that you may want to do this
in writing so Friend doesn't interrupt your rather lengthy list!
If Friend won't promise to follow your rules, he can find
another way to get to events. Then it's HIS choice to go to the
events or not, you're not excluding him.
#Post#: 11057--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: August 8, 2018, 6:38 pm
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--- Quote from: Bada link ---
>
> Did you ever set ground rules with Friend before giving him
(her?) a ride? If not, it might be worth a shot.
>
> "Sure Friend, I can give you a ride. That way we could split
the cost of the gas. You could throw in $10/Your share is $10.
And, so you know, I have a firm Seatbelt Rule. Anyone not
willing to wear a seatbelt will have to find another way home.
It's also important to me that I'm able to focus while driving,
so even though I'm the DD, my passengers still need to be [not
completely smashed/not unruly/something that communicates that
the prior level of distraction was not ok].
>
> Typing all of this, it occurs to me that you may want to do
this in writing so Friend doesn't interrupt your rather lengthy
list! If Friend won't promise to follow your rules, he can find
another way to get to events. Then it's HIS choice to go to the
events or not, you're not excluding him.
>
--- End Quote ---
I like this but I would add, get the money up front (you can say
so you all won't have to worry about it later).
#Post#: 11058--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: August 8, 2018, 6:44 pm
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I think you need to push back against the whole "people will
blame me" narrative.
Sure, they might, but they would be jerks to do so. And so you
should get MAD about that. Offended. And should anyone say
anything to you, say, "Feel free to give them a lift--I've done
it before, and it doesn't work for me anymore." Heck, the friend
can take public transport to some central point that's easier
for someone else to pick them up at (like, the center of the
city), or directly to the home of someone else. The friend is
not owed door-to-door service.
I suppose there's an argument for your saying something to the
friend: "Here are the reasons I don't want to give you a lift
anymore. If you can fix those, I'd be willing to try again. But
if you blow it, then I'm done. One: you never offer gas money;
from now on, you need to offer. Two: you're a dick about wearing
a seatbelt. If I ever have one tiny argument over it, that's it.
Three: you get too drunk and you're a bad passenger."
But seriously, that's a lot of things for them to be doing
wrong. (and they ARE DEFINITELY doing them wrong)
Also, I have a feeling you're just done. You don't want to have
this conversation, is my guess. And gas money wouldn't be
enough--you're not a taxi service; you're doing a favor for a
friend who doesn't apparently appreciate it.
I think you should push back, in your own head and with anyone
who says anything: This person has not held up their end of the
bargain, and you do not need to give them a ride. Anyone who
thinks otherwise is wrong.
It is not your responsibility to provide them with a social
life--especially since they've been a horrible favor recipient.
One secret to success is to just not tell other people the
reasons: "It doesn't work for me." Maybe it's timing, whatever.
Just say, "Sorry, I can't." Don't get into it. Be Teflon.
"It doesn't work for me," and get more and more puzzled when
people start asking why not.
And say those exact words over and over: "It doesn't work for
me."
In general, I agree w/ all your other points--sure, it makes
sense to call and say, "You live close to me; could I cadge a
lift to and from the party?" But I should be well-behaved then.
If you stop giving him rides, your other friends will get used
to it. Just hold firm until they do.
(also, if they start giving him a ride now and then, maybe
they'll discover what a burden it is!)
And even if this person was perfectly pleasant, it would be
totally fine for you to just be tired of being their chauffeur.
#Post#: 11082--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: lakey
Date: August 8, 2018, 11:10 pm
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--- Quote ---
> 2) the person inevitably gets inebriated at the event and is
way too much to handle on the drive home (talking loudly and
gesturing wildly, distracting the driver, sometimes refuses to
wear seatbelt, is generally aggressive and annoying/unpleasant).
--- End Quote ---
Safety trumps everything. I wouldn't give this person a ride
regardless of what others think. Also, setting rules for a
person with a drinking problem likely won't work. A person may
agree to the rules ahead of time, but once that person is drunk,
they will not follow the rules.
Generally I think that providing rides should depend on whether
the person getting the ride reciprocates in some way, is
pleasant to be around, and how far out of your way it is to
provide the ride. The rider in this post creates problems for
the driver.
#Post#: 11088--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: Aleko
Date: August 9, 2018, 4:40 am
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--- Quote ---
> Also, setting rules for a person with a drinking problem
likely won't work.
--- End Quote ---
It's a mistake to assume that a person who routinely gets drunk
at parties has "a drinking problem". They may have one; but
equally they may just enjoy the psychological release o getting
drunk in company. Going out to 'get
bladdered/leathered/rat-ar*ed/trollied/pished' has, notoriously,
been an established social behaviour in Britain for centuries,
but the people who do it are mostly not alcoholics and could
perfectly well refrain from doing it if they needed or wanted
to. The question is, does this guy have enough decency (or even
sensible self-interest) to respect his friend's rules if they
are made plain to him?
#Post#: 11091--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: August 9, 2018, 6:20 am
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--- Quote from: CamelliaHouse link ---
>
>
> I know most will say, "Never give this person a lift again, no
matter what," but this means that the friend will miss out on
group events. I would never live this down and would always be
perceived as a meanie if I refused to drive the friend to
events.
>
--- End Quote ---
By whom? All your mutual friends? If that's the case, then those
people are jerks, and not worth being friends with in the first
place. How would they react if you told them: "It's too
dangerous to have friend in my car. He gets very drunk, refuses
to wear his seatbelt, moves about and distracts me to the point
where it's really hard for me to focus on the road. It's so bad
that I'm worried he'll cause me to have an accident."
If you do agree to give your friend a lift, definitely let him
know in advance that you won't be driving him home if he gets
drunk. Then stick to your guns. He gets plastered at the party?
You hop in your car, and do not let him in. Your mutual friends
call you a 'meanie'? Ok, they can take responsibility for
helping his drunk self get home.
#Post#: 11100--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: bopper
Date: August 9, 2018, 9:11 am
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I would say no...and if you want to you could say it is because
you have another activity/errand you need to do before the
party.
#Post#: 11110--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking for a Lift
DIR By: Celestia
Date: August 9, 2018, 10:10 am
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This situation seems reasonably clear-cut and I'll let everyone
else give their advice...
I just want to chime in that the existence of people who are bad
rides doesn't make it rude for normal people to ask for a ride
as a favor.
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