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#Post#: 11426--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Aleko
Date: August 15, 2018, 3:12 am
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--- Quote ---
> Mil went on to explain that if ds was there while I was there,
I’d be more likely to just help ds and not all the kids.
--- End Quote ---
What she was essentially telling you there is that in this
situation she would naturally and inevitably lavish attention
exclusively on her own child and neglect her in-laws' children,
and that she can't imagine anyone feeling responsibility for and
showing kindness to them all equally. Always helpful to have
these things clarified!
#Post#: 11427--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Mrs Rat
Date: August 15, 2018, 4:58 am
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My mother recently said to me that she wished she had of stood
up for me to my toxic grandmother.
Do your child a favour and keep him well away from her. He will
spend his childhood wondering why his grandmother hates him and
as he gets older will wonder why his parents didn't care enough
to protect him from such toxicity.
#Post#: 11430--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Bada
Date: August 15, 2018, 7:12 am
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GfMama, your MIL is awful! I hope your husband has an idea of
it too now! I'm glad you're doing what you can to protect DS.
You can't force MIL to include him, but at least now she's not
going to be able to rub his nose in it.
I love that toxic people think "don't talk to DS about X" is the
same as "don't talk to DS st all." Ugh.
#Post#: 11436--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 15, 2018, 9:02 am
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--- Quote from: GfMama link ---
>
> I actually did was was planning to update. My hubby just got
home so I have a few free minutes to update. So......
> we were at mil house this weekend. We arrived a bit before the
others (their kids have Weekend sports and activities) and so I
asked if she was doing grandma camp this summer. She said yes,
then asked “why, are you interested?” I beamed! I was so happy
thinking everyone here was right, mil must have been waiting for
me to ask. I gushed. I told her that ds would absolutely LOVE to
attend and that I could come and help out. I said we didn’t have
to come every day but I thought that ds would love to be
included!! 🙌 she then asked if older daughter was home
from cousins yet and I said yes and told her when dd got home
and how much fun she had. Mil suggested maybe dd could watch ds.
I agreed that it would be ok to send dd with ds instead of me to
help out. Mil then said that what she meant was maybe dd could
stay at home and watch ds while *i* helped out :/ “you want me
to leave ds at home to be babysit while *i* come to grandma
camp?” Lol. I’m so glad dh was there to actually hear that.
Before I even gathered my thoughts dh said that there was no way
that would work out. Mil went on to explain that if ds was there
while I was there, I’d be more likely to just help ds and not
all the kids. I took the opportunity to tell her that in the
future, she shouldn’t tell ds about grandma camp and how much
fun it was if he wasn’t invited. She thought it was weird that I
didn’t want her to “talk to ds” but I gave the handy dandy
example of not talking about bday parties to others that weren’t
invited.
> I think I got my answer though. Mil seems overwhelmed with
four kids at once and would like help. It still doesn’t answer
why she’s never once asked for ds on his own for an activity but
it’s dealt with and put on a shelf. I’ll remind her the next
time we go after camp to not mention it.
>
--- End Quote ---
Here's what I get out of this.
MIL feels committed to doing this camp every summer but as she
had gotten older, dealing with 4 kids is just overwhelming. But
she doesn't know how to tell the other parents that it is just
too much for her. She might also think that the kids who have 2
working parents get the short end which is why it's important
for them to get these weeks with her.
Because of feeling overwhelmed with 4, adding another 1 or 2 has
never entered her mind, especially since your son doesn't "need
it" since he is at home with you.
She is entirely focused on being overwhelmed and she immediately
interpreted your offer as a way to help her out, not giving one
thought to your family (not cool).
MIL may see you as a little bit of a hovering mother. There
could be some truth to that or it could just be in comparison to
her other DIL's that you appear to be a hoverer with your 4 year
old. That's why she would assume you'd keep your focus on him
and not spread it out amongst the other kids.
Do you guys ever invite your MIL to your home without the rest
of your brother's siblings being around? I think it's really
important for grandkids and grandparents to have some time
together when the GP's are not distracted by the other
grandkids. The GP's already have a strong bond with the older
GK's and it's hard for the younger ones to "break into" that
circle if they never get alone time. (Speaking as the youngest
of 6 grandkids on one side and youngest of 22 grandkids on the
other.)
#Post#: 11443--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: GfMama
Date: August 15, 2018, 12:44 pm
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> [quote author=GfMama link=topic=591.msg11400#msg11400
date=1534277134]
>
>
--- End Quote ---
Here's what I get out of this.
MIL feels committed to doing this camp every summer but as she
had gotten older, dealing with 4 kids is just overwhelming. But
she doesn't know how to tell the other parents that it is just
too much for her. She might also think that the kids who have 2
working parents get the short end which is why it's important
for them to get these weeks with her.
Because of feeling overwhelmed with 4, adding another 1 or 2 has
never entered her mind, especially since your son doesn't "need
it" since he is at home with you.
She is entirely focused on being overwhelmed and she immediately
interpreted your offer as a way to help her out, not giving one
thought to your family (not cool).
MIL may see you as a little bit of a hovering mother. There
could be some truth to that or it could just be in comparison to
her other DIL's that you appear to be a hoverer with your 4 year
old. That's why she would assume you'd keep your focus on him
and not spread it out amongst the other kids.
Do you guys ever invite your MIL to your home without the rest
of your brother's siblings being around? I think it's really
important for grandkids and grandparents to have some time
together when the GP's are not distracted by the other
grandkids. The GP's already have a strong bond with the older
GK's and it's hard for the younger ones to "break into" that
circle if they never get alone time. (Speaking as the youngest
of 6 grandkids on one side and youngest of 22 grandkids on the
other.)
[/quote]
Mil doesn’t particularly like to hang out at her kids houses.
Her home is large and very comfortable for her. She’s always in
the kitchen cooking up a storm (which she can’t do at her
sons/dil s houses). She prefers all get togethers to be done at
her house. She’s come to my house very rarely when we’ve
insisted on having bday party/baptism party ect at our house
because it’s directly for our child.
Every so often we’ll take ds to her house midweek in the evening
when we’re sure no one else will be there so she can have some
one on one time with us and with ds. I especially enjoy those
times when she is free from distractions of other grandkids, and
she’ll give ds lots of attention. We do it specifically to not
be lost in the hub bub lol. Every so often, it will turn out
that there is someone else there, but it will be a much smaller
group.
#Post#: 11445--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 15, 2018, 1:00 pm
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^^^
We had to sort of train our MIL to realize it was ok for us to
invite just her over for dinner and not expect us to extend the
invite to my SIL or BIL and their families. After a few times
she started realizing she liked the casual low key dinners.
#Post#: 11447--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: August 15, 2018, 1:06 pm
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It sounds like MIL wants to be Super-Grandma in theory but isn't
really enjoying it in actuality. My mom is like that -- she
wants all her grandkids to visit, but when they're *all* there,
it's just too much.
#Post#: 11463--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: August 15, 2018, 4:21 pm
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--- Quote ---
> Mil suggested maybe dd could watch ds. I agreed that it would
be ok to send dd with ds instead of me to help out. Mil then
said that what she meant was maybe dd could stay at home and
watch ds while *i* helped out :/ “you want me to leave ds at
home to be babysit while *i* come to grandma camp?” Lol. I’m so
glad dh was there to actually hear that. Before I even gathered
my thoughts dh said that there was no way that would work out.
--- End Quote ---
--- Quote ---
> Every so often we’ll take ds to her house midweek in the
evening when we’re sure no one else will be there so she can
have some one on one time with us and with ds. I especially
enjoy those times when she is free from distractions of other
grandkids, and she’ll give ds lots of attention. We do it
specifically to not be lost in the hub bub
--- End Quote ---
I think with this update you have your answer, and I'm glad that
DH has your back on this one. Now that you know where your MIL
stands, you can reduce your expectations and your stress and
disappointment by planning your interactions accordingly.
#Post#: 11467--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: August 15, 2018, 4:41 pm
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--- Quote ---
> Mil went on to explain that if ds was there while I was there,
I’d be more likely to just help ds and not all the kids.
--- End Quote ---
That's kind of insulting, actually.
#Post#: 11468--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: jpcher
Date: August 15, 2018, 4:45 pm
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Kind of?
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