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#Post#: 10899--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: GfMama Date: August 7, 2018, 1:24 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=591.msg10887#msg10887
date=1533659460]
I'd take the approach suggested by Toots. I also agree that it
could be that she is mentioning it hoping that he'll say he
wants to come.
It could also be a logistics issue. I know my car can hold 5
people so if sitting 5 kids, we'd basically be homebound.
It could also just be that GM has always seen grandma camp as a
way to assist the other 2 families with summer child care and
don't realize that your kids would also enjoy a week or a day
with GM.
How often does your 4 yr old stay with GM? Maybe start with "4
yr old was super excited about the idea of GM camp. Would you be
up for him coming and spending a day with your next week? 16
year old would also enjoy a day with you if you would be up for
both of them." But it in her head that the kids want to spend
time with her alone.
[/quote]
Just figured out how to quote!!!!!! It’s not a logistics issue.
The parents handle pick up/drop off for camp and they’re
homebound for the duration. During activities like the zoo,
parents drive their own kids, they all meet up at the entrance
at a given time.
#Post#: 10900--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: GfMama Date: August 7, 2018, 1:25 pm
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[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=591.msg10894#msg10894
date=1533665792]
Do you think MIL is being malicious? You give no evidence that
she is not including your son to be hurtful. I wonder if it has
never occurred to her that she should or even could invite him.
It's even possible that she might be hinting that she wants DS
and/or you to ask. I am not saying that her behavior is
completely acceptable, but I wonder if she is acting
thoughtlessly and not in malice.
If my assumptions are correct, then I would not TELL her that
she is acting like a boar and that she needs to include son. I
would ASK her to do so. "MIL, DS loves spending time with you
and his cousins and he was hurt when you told him about Grandma
Summer Camp. Will there be something in the future, even next
summer, where DS can be included?" I know... etiquette would
think I am off my rocker, as one should never invite themselves
or their children to someone's function. But this is his
grandma, so I would hope that the relationship would allow for
some rule bending. My hope is that by ASKING she will not be put
on the defensive and more likely to respond with "Gee, I hadn't
considered that I was being hurtful. Let's include DS!"
And depending your relationship with MIL, I agree that this
might be better done by DH.
[/quote]
I don’t think she’s trying to be malicious!
#Post#: 10901--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: Lizzard Date: August 7, 2018, 1:34 pm
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GfMama how did she treat your husband's two children when they
were little? If she did a lot with them, it could be that she
now feels she is just doing the same with her other son's
children. On the other hand, if she did not do a lot with them
it could be that unfortunately she favours those two sons and
consequently their children.
#Post#: 10905--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: Hmmm Date: August 7, 2018, 1:49 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=GfMama link=topic=591.msg10899#msg10899
date=1533666287]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=591.msg10887#msg10887
date=1533659460]
I'd take the approach suggested by Toots. I also agree that it
could be that she is mentioning it hoping that he'll say he
wants to come.
It could also be a logistics issue. I know my car can hold 5
people so if sitting 5 kids, we'd basically be homebound.
It could also just be that GM has always seen grandma camp as a
way to assist the other 2 families with summer child care and
don't realize that your kids would also enjoy a week or a day
with GM.
How often does your 4 yr old stay with GM? Maybe start with "4
yr old was super excited about the idea of GM camp. Would you be
up for him coming and spending a day with your next week? 16
year old would also enjoy a day with you if you would be up for
both of them." But it in her head that the kids want to spend
time with her alone.
[/quote]
Just figured out how to quote!!!!!! It’s not a logistics issue.
The parents handle pick up/drop off for camp and they’re
homebound for the duration. During activities like the zoo,
parents drive their own kids, they all meet up at the entrance
at a given time.
[/quote]
Then I say you be direct. "MIL, would you mind not mentioning GM
camp in front of son? It hurts his feelings to know he's not
invited. It's sort friends of yours discussing a party in front
of you that your not invited to."
#Post#: 10916--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: Hanna Date: August 7, 2018, 2:43 pm
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[quote author=GfMama link=topic=591.msg10899#msg10899
date=1533666287]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=591.msg10887#msg10887
date=1533659460]
I'd take the approach suggested by Toots. I also agree that it
could be that she is mentioning it hoping that he'll say he
wants to come.
It could also be a logistics issue. I know my car can hold 5
people so if sitting 5 kids, we'd basically be homebound.
It could also just be that GM has always seen grandma camp as a
way to assist the other 2 families with summer child care and
don't realize that your kids would also enjoy a week or a day
with GM.
How often does your 4 yr old stay with GM? Maybe start with "4
yr old was super excited about the idea of GM camp. Would you be
up for him coming and spending a day with your next week? 16
year old would also enjoy a day with you if you would be up for
both of them." But it in her head that the kids want to spend
time with her alone.
[/quote]
Just figured out how to quote!!!!!! It’s not a logistics issue.
The parents handle pick up/drop off for camp and they’re
homebound for the duration. During activities like the zoo,
parents drive their own kids, they all meet up at the entrance
at a given time.
[/quote]
Have you ever said “oh we’d love to join you on an outing like
that!”
Maybe she thinks you a) don’t need the childcare so wouldn’t
send him to “camp” and b) can’t leave the house while working
during the day, so wouldn’t be interested in an event that
involved you transporting your kiddos.
#Post#: 10917--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: bopper Date: August 7, 2018, 2:43 pm
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Is MIL toxic or clueless?
If she is clueless she may have the other grandkids over because
there is a need for care (you presumably to her don't have a
need). She may talk about it because that is her life.
If she is toxic, your Dh may be the scapegoat of the family and
she is deliberately trying to show how she favors the others.
I would tell your DH to say to his mom: "Mom, we understand
that you enjoyed your grandma camp. We understand that you can
invite who ever you want. However, if you aren't going to invite
Junior please don't talk about it in front of us...it seems as
though you are bragging about something Junior can't attend.
As you taught us as kids. don't talk about the birthday party to
other kids who are not invited."
If he refuses, then you can set boundaries and not hang around
your MIL.
#Post#: 10919--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: Lula Date: August 7, 2018, 2:54 pm
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I just can't get over your DH responding to your son's crying by
calling him a spoiled brat. Feeling loved and included in one's
own family is not on the level of having the latest toy. Adults
cry when denied this.
#Post#: 10924--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: MiriamCatriona Date: August 7, 2018, 3:10 pm
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I think it's time to start inviting yourself.
The next time they're discussing an upcoming trip to the zoo:
"Ooh, that sounds fun! What day were you thinking? ... Should
we meet at the front gate at 9:00?" As though of course they're
including you in the discussion (because why the hell wouldn't
they be?).
"Is Grandma camp being scheduled for this year? Liam is really
hoping to go this summer! I could even send along Sophia as a
"counselor" to help wrangle them all if you want. I know she'd
be happy to do it."
If they rebuff these attempts, you'll know you really have a
problem and not just cluelessness.
#Post#: 10934--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: JeanFromBNA Date: August 7, 2018, 4:00 pm
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How often and under what circumstances does your youngest son
and older children see Grandma now?
#Post#: 10936--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
By: GfMama Date: August 7, 2018, 4:13 pm
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[quote author=Lizzard link=topic=591.msg10901#msg10901
date=1533666877]
GfMama how did she treat your husband's two children when they
were little? If she did a lot with them, it could be that she
now feels she is just doing the same with her other son's
children. On the other hand, if she did not do a lot with them
it could be that unfortunately she favours those two sons and
consequently their children.
[/quote]
To hear it from her (I actually overheard her say this to
someone): she had a hand in raising each of her grandkids,
except ds, of course, because I mostly stay at home.
To hear it from dh: he rarely asked mil to banysit his first two
kids as him and his wife were late teen/barely 20 and wanted to
prove to all the could handle this great responsibility.
Son 1 is definitely the favourite. Son 2 is described as the
black sheep/rebel. Son 3 (dh) is in competition as favourite. He
does all the maintenance for her home, any repairs, if she needs
anything, she first calls dh.
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