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#Post#: 10825--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: GfMama
Date: August 6, 2018, 7:39 pm
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He’s not an only child. My dh and I each have two from previous
marriages (aged 16, 19, 20 and 21) but 16 yr old would love to
go as well
#Post#: 10850--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Aleko
Date: August 7, 2018, 3:52 am
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I think it's perfectly legit to ask her not to call the visit
'grandkid camp', because labelling the event that way inevitably
creates the expectation in her grandson that he should be
included, and makes him puzzled and sad that he is not. Surely
it simply hasn't occurred to her that this is a tactless thing
to say. And it may well not have occurred to her that he would
want to come - after all, he has his mother at home all day, no?
- or that you would be happy to let him.
#Post#: 10873--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: wonderfullyanonymous
Date: August 7, 2018, 10:29 am
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Oh my...
That has to be the most unfair thing I have ever heard of in my
life! I was a stay at home mom, and my mother in law took my
kids regularly through the summer. Granted, my kids were the
only grand kids living near by, but, when the out of town
grandparents came, she would still take mine to visit with their
cousins.
If you are all together, and she starts talking about it in
front of your son, stand up for him.
"I'm sorry, can you stop talking about "Grandmothers Camp", my
son's feeling hurt because you said he can't go."
If she doesn't stop,
"Since you don't want to include us, I guess we will go home. DH
husband, are you staying here or coming with me?"
Then go home. If husband gets mad, because he thinks son is
spoiled for crying, give him a taste of his own medicine. Start
planning a weekday (weekend if you only have one car) adventure
with your son, in front of his father, don't include days that
you are going, just keep revving up your son. When your husband
asks when "family" trip is, say
"Oh, it's just for me and dear son"
When he says, he wants to go, let him know that he seems to
think it's okay for son to be left out, so you thought it would
be okay to leave DH out.
#Post#: 10881--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: August 7, 2018, 11:04 am
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I think I'd approach the positive:
"MIL, son would really like to be part of Grandma Camp--I think
he's old enough now. Do you have a date for it yet?"
MAKE her say that she's deliberately excluding him.
Then when she does, just matter-of-factly say, "Then I'd like to
ask you to not mention it in front of him--it really hurts his
feelings. He feels really left out."
#Post#: 10883--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Jem
Date: August 7, 2018, 11:12 am
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I didn’t see that the MIL said the OP’s son can’t come, just
that he was not specifically invited. I would directly ask that
he be invited before assuming malice. Even though the one cousin
is only 4 months older, when kids are under a certain age,
months matter, as do sibling groups (as an OP mentioned) and
male/female.
OP, what do you say when the MIL talks about the camp? I imagine
she has no idea that you want your son included.
#Post#: 10884--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: iolaus
Date: August 7, 2018, 11:13 am
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I'm wondering if she is mentioning it hoping he'll say he wants
to come
If she's being asked to have the other children she may not be
inviting them either
#Post#: 10887--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 7, 2018, 11:31 am
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I'd take the approach suggested by Toots. I also agree that it
could be that she is mentioning it hoping that he'll say he
wants to come.
It could also be a logistics issue. I know my car can hold 5
people so if sitting 5 kids, we'd basically be homebound.
It could also just be that GM has always seen grandma camp as a
way to assist the other 2 families with summer child care and
don't realize that your kids would also enjoy a week or a day
with GM.
How often does your 4 yr old stay with GM? Maybe start with "4
yr old was super excited about the idea of GM camp. Would you be
up for him coming and spending a day with your next week? 16
year old would also enjoy a day with you if you would be up for
both of them." But it in her head that the kids want to spend
time with her alone.
#Post#: 10891--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: Model
Date: August 7, 2018, 12:14 pm
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> I'd take the approach suggested by Toots. I also agree that it
could be that she is mentioning it hoping that he'll say he
wants to come.
>
> It could also be a logistics issue. I know my car can hold 5
people so if sitting 5 kids, we'd basically be homebound.
>
> It could also just be that GM has always seen grandma camp as
a way to assist the other 2 families with summer child care and
don't realize that your kids would also enjoy a week or a day
with GM.
>
> How often does your 4 yr old stay with GM? Maybe start with "4
yr old was super excited about the idea of GM camp. Would you be
up for him coming and spending a day with your next week? 16
year old would also enjoy a day with you if you would be up for
both of them." But it in her head that the kids want to spend
time with her alone.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree, and maybe you could even offer to come along and help
on one of the outings. I mean, you wouldn't get the day off
that I'm sure you could really use, but at least your son
wouldn't have his little heart broken again.
#Post#: 10893--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: GfMama
Date: August 7, 2018, 12:52 pm
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While I do agree that months matter, the fact is, 4 months ago
(when Bruce was my sons age) mil was able to care for her. She
actually cared for sil kids for a whole week when niece was only
4 months. She’s been taking care of all of the kids (but mine)
on a fairly regular basis since they were born.
I really don’t say anything when she tells us about camp or fun
amazing activities were not invited too. I think in the past
I’ve used phrases like “ooooh that sounds fun!!”, “son, doesn’t
that sound like a fun idea!!”, and am sometimes a bit p a about
it “oh, if I had known I’d have brought son over for a day” and
then I quickly take son off to do something fun, such as the
trampoline. I think I’ve done well for the most part in using
distraction so my son doesn’t feel bad. It’s just within the
last few months that crying has started. (There was an incident
where we all showed up the evening of mil birthday and childless
sil took two Nieces out shipping. She called for the kids and
son went running and put on his shoes thinking he was invited,
but had to be told no. I let sil handle the “no you’re not
invited”)
#Post#: 10894--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mil leaves one grandchild out consistently
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: August 7, 2018, 1:16 pm
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Do you think MIL is being malicious? You give no evidence that
she is not including your son to be hurtful. I wonder if it has
never occurred to her that she should or even could invite him.
It's even possible that she might be hinting that she wants DS
and/or you to ask. I am not saying that her behavior is
completely acceptable, but I wonder if she is acting
thoughtlessly and not in malice.
If my assumptions are correct, then I would not TELL her that
she is acting like a boar and that she needs to include son. I
would ASK her to do so. "MIL, DS loves spending time with you
and his cousins and he was hurt when you told him about Grandma
Summer Camp. Will there be something in the future, even next
summer, where DS can be included?" I know... etiquette would
think I am off my rocker, as one should never invite themselves
or their children to someone's function. But this is his
grandma, so I would hope that the relationship would allow for
some rule bending. My hope is that by ASKING she will not be put
on the defensive and more likely to respond with "Gee, I hadn't
considered that I was being hurtful. Let's include DS!"
And depending your relationship with MIL, I agree that this
might be better done by DH.
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