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#Post#: 10789--------------------------------------------------
When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Bada Date: August 6, 2018, 3:05 pm
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In modern English language, when someone apologies, you're
expected to say "It's okay" or "no problem." (Back in the day
maybe people would say "I accept your apology" or something, I
guess?) But what do you say when it's not okay and you're still
annoyed?
Example 1:
We travel out of state for a wedding. Our friend Julia rented a
car and we didn't. She offers to drive us to the ceremony. She,
her DH, and baby are super late and we literally miss 1/3 of the
ceremony. She apologized but it was NOT okay so I didn't just
want to say it was! (And it wasn't like we could rent a taxi
where we were, and she kept saying she was almost ready.) I
think I just changed the topic when she apologized rather than
directly responding (it was a while ago, I don't really recall).
Example 2:
Yesterday, Amy was supposed to come early to help us get ready
for a party. Except she made some strange scheduling
assumptions/snaffus and she kept changing the plan we'd agreed
to and in the end she wasn't here to help us get ready. She
apologized and I didn't really want to say it was okay because I
was super annoyed. (And as I mentioned in the "small hugs"
thread, I ended up short on time to get ready as it was because
several relatives had accidentally arrived a day early for the
party and we lost the whole afternoon to finish getting
prepared.) I did end up saying it was okay because she did feel
bad and I didn't want to rub it in, but the words didn't fit
because, like I said, I was still annoyed.
What phrases do you all use in these situations?
#Post#: 10792--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Jem Date: August 6, 2018, 3:11 pm
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I might say, “I appreciate your apology.” Depending in he
relationship I might also say, “I need a little space right now.
I’m pretty hurt that you disrespected my time. I know it wasn’t
intentional and I’ll get over it eventually but I’m not there
yet.”
#Post#: 10793--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: DaDancingPsych Date: August 6, 2018, 3:16 pm
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I actually asked a similar question in the old forum. My
neighbor's dog was never leashed on the shared apartment grounds
where pets were to be on a leash. As a result, the dog would run
up to me when I was leaving the apartment or leaving my car and
would jump on me... dirty paws on my pants. The take home
suggestion was for me to say something like "Next time remember
to leash your dog", which honestly felt a bit confrontational
and certainly against my nature. However, I did not get to use
the phrase, because the doggie parents must have been forum
readers... the dog never jumped on me again.
Maybe something along the lines of "I know that you did not mean
to be late"??? It acknowledges the apology and the non-malicious
nature of the incidents, but does not lie and say that it was
"no problem" or "ok". What is so wrong with "I accept your
apology"? Again, I think it accomplishes the same as the above.
Plus, I think the formality of the phrase brings this lack of
warmness that confesses that it did cause a problem for you.
#Post#: 10798--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Luci Date: August 6, 2018, 4:22 pm
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We said, "Apology accepted," but really chalked it up to lesson
learned. We never, ever made time sensitive arrangements with
that group again. If they showed up, fine. If not, oh well.
As for being really early, I either put the people to work if I
felt I could trust them or just let them talk to me while I
continued my work.
It’s really galling to send out computer made invitations to
each household of the 40 invitees, have them not respond, and
have people actually ask what the details are. Then for a 1:00
meal show up anywhere from 11:00 to 3:00. I am so glad we have
aged out of hosting that many people.
#Post#: 10849--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Aleko Date: August 7, 2018, 3:38 am
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I don't think it really matters all that much what words you
use, TBH. It's possible to say 'It's okay' or 'no problem' with
such Arctic coolth that only a person with the skin of a hippo
will fail to get the message that yes, the apology is accepted
but you really aren't happy with them at all. And the hippos of
this world will take anything short of 'YOU RUINED THE DAY! THAT
WAS UNFORGIVABLE!' as complete absolution. As far as they're
concerned, they said sorry: you accepted their apology: = all
sorted!
#Post#: 10871--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Hmmm Date: August 7, 2018, 10:04 am
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My favorite is "Thanks for the apology. I'm sure it wasn't on
purpose."
#Post#: 10882--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: TootsNYC Date: August 7, 2018, 11:06 am
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I think you can also say, "Let's talk about this later."
#Post#: 11039--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Bada Date: August 8, 2018, 4:10 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=589.msg10871#msg10871
date=1533654264]
My favorite is "Thanks for the apology. I'm sure it wasn't on
purpose."
[/quote]
OOOHH, I like this!
Thanks for the brainstorming, BM&B friends!
#Post#: 45381--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Lkdrymom Date: January 12, 2020, 2:37 pm
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Just found this group of topics.
After I had rearranged many things to help a friend out and yet
again she cancelled out at the last minute with a flippant
"Sorry" I told her it was NOT OK. Had this been the first time
she did this to me I would have said "That's ok" but having her
do this to me more times than I can count I was just done.
People like this don't realize they have done anything wrong,
they don't think your time is valuable, they don't see that they
put you out. They can't even comprehend.
#Post#: 45383--------------------------------------------------
Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
By: Dazi Date: January 12, 2020, 3:02 pm
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It took me a long time to stop using "it's okay" or "not a
problem" because it's NOT. Just because an apology had been
issued doesn't mean the slate is wiped clean and there were no
negative outcomes.
I now use "thank you for the apology," or if I'm really pissed
over it, "I acknowledge your apology." That way you've not
ignored that they had the decency/realized they needed to
apologize, but you aren't saying they are absolved of blame and
their idiocy over whatever happened.
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