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#Post#: 10606--------------------------------------------------
Conventional remarks to avoid
By: Aleko Date: August 4, 2018, 11:53 am
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Isn't it odd how many utterly conventional social remarks are at
best useless as conversational gambits - there being no polite
response other than a sickly smile - and at worst downright
annoying for the person they are directed at?
Here's the kind of thing I mean:
First up, 'My, haven't you grown!' Generations of children have
fought down the impulse to say 'Of course I have, you didn't
expect me to stop the same size, did you?' Extra demerits if,
like many of my aunts and distant cousins, you follow this up
with 'I haven't seen you since you were in your pram!' which
invites the reply 'So, if you'd engaged your brain, you'd
realise I haven't the faintest idea who you are'.
Next (to the bride): 'How does it feel to be Mrs [Bridegroom's
surname]?' Nobody should ever say this - especially nowadays
when there is no certainty at all that she plans to change her
name - but it's amazing how many people do. It's futile even if
the bride has decided to take her new husband's surname and is
happy with that, because there still is no response to this
other than a sickly smile. If she has decided not to, she has to
choose between rebuffing this kindly person's well-meant remark
with a curt 'Actually it doesn't, because I'm not', or just
producing a gritted-teeth smile. If she didn't want to change
her name but has been bullied into it, you'll be lucky if she
doesn't whack you with her bouquet and burst into tears.
And 'I've heard so much about you!' This includes all kinds of
dire possibilities, and the sayee's options boil down to either
making some sickly joke along the lines of 'It's all lies, you
know!' 'Then I'd better flee at once!' or, as with the previous
phrases, a sickly smile. For Pete's sake, at least give them
something to work with: 'I've heard so much about your garden /
your pet refuge / your and Jane's trainspotting holidays!'
Has anybody else any conventional remarks that they don't want
to hear ever again?
#Post#: 10615--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: mime Date: August 4, 2018, 12:55 pm
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I don't know... Sometimes those things are just part of the
niceties we exchange when getting a conversation going. Hearing
"my, how you've grown" is just a starter-- it can truly be a
surprise to some people to see that the little 12 year old
neighbor is now an 18-year old in college, and looking very much
like a grown man. Sometimes we're caught by surprise by the
years that have passed. It just opens the discussion to what
everyone has been doing for the last six years.
I do see how the "Mrs. Hisname" question can lead to an awkward
moment, though. That's actually making an assumption about the
bride. Hopefully most brides know they'll encounter those
friends and family with such comments, and be able to brush it
off without taking a ton of offense where truly none was
intended.
#Post#: 10644--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: TootsNYC Date: August 4, 2018, 8:36 pm
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It's true that you don't know what someone's name will be after
marriage.
I personally have taken the idea of "to be Mrs. Smith" to be
more metaphorical than literal.
But yes, it's risky.
#Post#: 10648--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: Rho Date: August 4, 2018, 9:32 pm
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'My, haven't you grown!'
The obvious reply is
My, haven't you aged?
#Post#: 10656--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: TootsNYC Date: August 4, 2018, 11:35 pm
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[quote author=Rho link=topic=584.msg10648#msg10648
date=1533436369]
'My, haven't you grown!'
The obvious reply is
My, haven't you aged?
[/quote]
Or, subtly, "So have you!"
#Post#: 10661--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: Aleko Date: August 5, 2018, 2:03 am
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[quote]Sometimes those things are just part of the niceties we
exchange when getting a conversation going. Hearing "my, how
you've grown" is just a starter-- it can truly be a surprise to
some people to see that the little 12 year old neighbor is now
an in college, and looking very much like a grown man.[/quote]
Yes, but they should have the wit to realise that the surprise
is only on their side, and 18-year old is aware that he has
grown up since he saw you last, thanks very much. And that every
child who has ever been the recipient of this remark has found
it annoying.
In fact as a general rule, surprise at the appearance of people
you meet (e.g. 'My, isn't he tall!' 'What red hair!' or 'Wow,
these twins look exactly alike!') should be kept to yourself.
Even if the observation is harmless, it is tiresome - because it
isn't news to them, and there is no non-snarky response to be
made to such remarks.
#Post#: 10685--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: Luci Date: August 5, 2018, 12:21 pm
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To be honest, I usually didn’t mind those comments because it
made me remember that I did know this person once and she
remembered me and it was fleeting and not needing a response
other than a head nod or thank. Yes, even when I was older. It
is often a way people acknowledge the presence of a kid before
he is ignored the rest of the visit.
As a child, I didn’t mind being told I looked like my mother
because she was a hardworking ordinary looking woman. Even at my
brother's funeral, most of the visitors were taught by my mom or
knew her through the church so I got many "you look just like
your mother!" comments. Well, she’s been gone 50 years and there
are still people who remember her!
Do I refrain from these comments to children? Usually, merely
because they sound so lame when in a movie or tv show and the
kid actor seems uncomfortable.
#Post#: 10686--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: mime Date: August 5, 2018, 12:53 pm
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I guess we're not going to see eye to eye on this. :)
I don't think of the speaker as trying to reveal to the 18 year
old that he has grown; just stating their own realization of the
extent of that fact. Like someone saying, "wow, it's cold
outside!" Is just making an exclamation about thier own
perceptions, not trying to educate others around them.
I was a child who heard the "you've grown" remark from time to
time, and absolutely did not hate it. It was just an ordinary
comment. I guess I'm somehow excluded from that group of all
children who have ever heard this comment.
And there are plenty of non-snarky responses. That's hardly a
challenge: "Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it?" "Yep, I in
college now!" "Yeah, I think the last time we talked was at camp
in '09!"
I'm just not going to start coming down hard on any comment that
points out someone's observation of a fact, or a statement about
another person that isn't disguising harsh judgement.
Most responsibility for thoughtful communication falls rightly
on the speaker, but the listener also bears some share of the
burden of understanding and reasonable interpretation.
#Post#: 10717--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: Tea Drinker Date: August 6, 2018, 7:44 am
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I'd give a pass for answering "my, how you've grown!" with
things like "not lately" (if the person is 18 and has been the
same height for four years) or "that's what people keep telling
me." The problem with "How does it feel to be Mrs. Hisname?" is
that even if she is changing her name, or if she parses that as
"how does it feel to be married?" the most likely answers if
that's asked immediately after the wedding are variations on "I
don't know yet," because the things a just-married person is
likely to feel at the reception include being overwhelmed by the
whole planning-and-having-a-wedding thing, pleasure at having
family and friends there, and wondering what married life will
actually be like, especially if they're relatively conservative
and waiting until after the wedding to either have sex or move
in together.
Even at the most literal, I'd understand a just-married woman
saying "I'm not looking forward to all the forms I'm going to
have to fill out." Even in a state where you can change your
name at marriage by putting the new surname on the license
application, the Department of Vital Records isn't going to
notify your bank, employer, college registrar, doctor's office,
Department of Motor Vehicles....
#Post#: 10719--------------------------------------------------
Re: Conventional remarks to avoid
By: Hmmm Date: August 6, 2018, 9:01 am
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Sorry, none of these are that bad to me is used in proper
context. The 12 & under set are not going to be offended by "My,
how you have grown". And saying it does not imply the speaker
expected you to not grow at all. Only a petulant 15 year old
would become so irritated in a harmless remark. If you want to
take the stand that people's physical characteristics shouldn't
be remarked upon, then fine. Growing up, being asked "where did
you get those eyes" was much more irritating.
If the person, hasn't been introduced and then wants you to
guess who they are, then yes the pram comment is annoying.
The "I've heard so much about you" is usually an indication that
yes, I've heard someone prattle on about you but can't remember
one thing said.
The Mrs comment would bug some brides but not all. To me it's
harmless.
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