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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 10417--------------------------------------------------
Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Hanna
Date: August 2, 2018, 6:42 pm
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Is there any polite way to address an issue like this in a newly
intimate relationship?
Woman has an excess of hair on her breasts. Guy doesn’t like it
and doesn’t understand why she would not do something about it.
I’m at a loss.
#Post#: 10421--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: LurkingGurl
Date: August 2, 2018, 7:14 pm
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I don't think etiquette applies in this situation. It's just a
matter of personal preference on the part of both parties.
He's not rude to ask, she's not rude to refuse. If it's a deal
breaker for either party, that's just the way it is.
#Post#: 10424--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Hanna
Date: August 2, 2018, 7:31 pm
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Any idea about how one could go about bringing this up? I just
cannot fathom a way that would not cause offense.
#Post#: 10427--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Tea Drinker
Date: August 2, 2018, 7:48 pm
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I'm fairly sure that if there is a delicate way to address it,
it's not by wondering out loud why the woman wouldn't "do
something about it." Start by assuming that she has at some
point thought about the question and decided not to remove the
hair.
Try framing it as asking for a favor, extra effort you'd like
her to make for you (because it is extra effort), rather than as
"excess" hair that she should already be doing something about.
I don't have a script here--I am more likely to be in the
woman's position here--but the message is that you find hairless
breasts more attractive, and would appreciate it if she'd try
doing that for you.
If someone I was dating said that they would like me to shave
part of my body, I might consider it. If someone said "you have
too much hair on your $body_part, I don't understand why you
don't do something about it," I might get upset, and I would
probably tell them that I haven't "done something about it"
either because I actively like having that hair, or because I
don't consider it a problem. A conversation that started with
something like "I'd like to ask a favor, I find hairless legs
more attractive, would you do that?" would be much more likely
to end with us still dating at the end of the evening, whether
or not I said yes, than one that started with "I don't
understand why you don't shave your legs."
There is a major difference between "I find X attractive, would
you consider doing that for me?" and "your body doesn't match my
preferences/aesthetic standards, which are sufficiently common
that I assume all women will go to the effort to meet them."
Think about her asking you to change whether you shave your face
(to grow a beard if you are currently clean-shaven, or shave if
you have a beard right now): there's nothing wrong with either
choice.
#Post#: 10429--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Uncle Rupert
Date: August 2, 2018, 8:03 pm
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Could the gentleman perhaps purchase a gift of electrolysis
treatments for this young lady? Of course, he could never
mention the specific issue he would like her to address. Other
than that, I can think of no gracious way to mention this. What
a terribly embarrassing situation for all involved!
#Post#: 10430--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: August 2, 2018, 8:06 pm
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--- Quote from: Uncle Rupert link ---
>
> Could the gentleman perhaps purchase a gift of electrolysis
treatments for this young lady? Of course, he could never
mention the specific issue he would like her to address. Other
than that, I can think of no gracious way to mention this. What
a terribly embarrassing situation for all involved!
>
--- End Quote ---
No. Especially if this is a new relationship, no
self-improvement "gifts".
#Post#: 10437--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: August 2, 2018, 9:01 pm
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--- Quote from: Mary Sunshine Rain link ---
>
> I don't think etiquette applies in this situation. It's just
a matter of personal preference on the part of both parties.
>
> He's not rude to ask, she's not rude to refuse. If it's a
deal breaker for either party, that's just the way it is.
>
--- End Quote ---
IMO, he would be wise to think through whether it is a deal
breaker before he says anything. I.e., is hairlessness (or less
hair) important enough to him that he would willing to take the
risk that his request causes her to walk away? This is a new
relationship--she might rather hold out for a partner who is
satisfied with her current body rather than continue investing
in one who is already pointing out "flaws" that he thinks need
to be corrected.
Tea Drinker's approach is probably the most inoffensive
approach. I think taking that tack would be reasonable in
established relationship where both partners are invested and
know each other well. Or for a smaller, more fleeting request in
a new relationship--e.g., "Would you be willing to wear [your
hair down/red lipstick/your Star Trek T-shirt] for our date
tomorrow? I find it really sexy," rather than "Would you be
willing to change [your body/your regular grooming regimen] for
me? I find it really sexy." IMO, requesting changes in
grooming/body appearance seems overly demanding for a new
relationship, even if it truly is intended to be a request not a
demand.
#Post#: 10439--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Hanna
Date: August 2, 2018, 9:56 pm
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Just a note that I framed the question completely in my own
words for brevity.
Teadrinker’s approach makes sense, for a body party that
normally has hair and that some people choose to shave. I think
asking for legs to be shaved or left unshaven is pretty simple
because most women have varying degrees of hair on the legs.
I just don’t think there is a way to point this particular issue
out and ask for it to be changed.
And I agree about the dealbreaker consideration. It’s a shame if
it is a dealbreaker because it’s so easily modified but seems
impossible to approach.
#Post#: 10442--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Kiwipinball
Date: August 2, 2018, 11:04 pm
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> Just a note that I framed the question completely in my own
words for brevity.
>
> Teadrinker’s approach makes sense, for a body party that
normally has hair and that some people choose to shave. I think
asking for legs to be shaved or left unshaven is pretty simple
because most women have varying degrees of hair on the legs.
>
> I just don’t think there is a way to point this particular
issue out and ask for it to be changed.
>
> And I agree about the dealbreaker consideration. It’s a shame
if it is a dealbreaker because it’s so easily modified but seems
impossible to approach.
>
--- End Quote ---
Well it's easily modified if she's okay with doing that. Some
women like to get full brazilians. Other women prefer to do
nothing. Some might not mind changing their regimen, because
it's easily modified, but some may have strong preferences. I
wouldn't necessarily be offended if my partner found my choice
less attractive than other choices, but I wouldn't really be
interested in changing because the other options don't really
appeal to me. As a one time thing? Sure, maybe. But regularly
shaving is a pain. Regularly waxing is a pain (both annoying and
painful!). I have done some some laser hair removal on my legs
and underarms (because I hate hair there) and it helps me shave
less frequently but it's not a magical solution that means no
more hair removal ever (if that exists, please share!)
As someone else analogized - I have a strong preference for
clean-shaven men. IMO 95% of men are more attractive without
beards (this does not mean I find all men with beards
unattractive, just that I personally would likely find them more
attractive without). Granted, face hair is a lot more obvious
than chest hair (some women don't like exccess hair on men
either) but should I be able to ask a man to shave his beard
just because it's easily modifiable? Sure, it's easier than
plastic surgery or something, but it's not a one-time quick
thing. It might be okay to ask for a one-time favor (hey, for
our engagement pictures, could you shave?) but to ask him to
permanently alter his grooming routine? That's actually kind of
big.
But, for most people sexual attraction is a big deal. If it's a
big enough turn-off for the guy that he'd rather not date her
with the extra hair, he might as well gently ask. Worst case
scenario she breaks up with him, but if he'd break up with her
without a change, at least nicely asking gives it a chance.
#Post#: 10459--------------------------------------------------
Re: Delicate Dating Question
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 3, 2018, 8:36 am
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> Is there any polite way to address an issue like this in a
newly intimate relationship?
>
> Woman has an excess of hair on her breasts. Guy doesn’t like
it and doesn’t understand why she would not do something about
it.
>
> I’m at a loss.
>
--- End Quote ---
If it's a deal breaker for him, then I think he should bring it
up rather than drop the relationship because of it. Give her a
chance to decide if she is willing to modify for him.
I suggest he bring it up in a round about way. During intimacy,
and preferably one that is more playful than full on passion,
have him pretend to stop what he is doing and need to get a hair
out of his mouth. He can do a a "Sorry, hair" remove the piece
and then go back to what he was doing.
If nothing changes, then in a couple of weeks he should ask her
directly if she'd be willing to remove the hair.
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