DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 10120--------------------------------------------------
MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: Girlie Date: July 31, 2018, 8:21 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Help! I need advice on what to say. I apologize in advance for
the length of this.
My MIL and I have recently become at odds because, according to
her, I have disrespected her and hurt her feelings. I am of the
opinion that I have hurt her pride more than her feelings, but
that’s neither here nor there.
The truth is that my MIL has a long history of being
overdramatic and jealous. She’s the sort of person who holds
grudges for a LONG time, and she is petty and
passive-aggressive. I could name dozens and dozens of times as
examples – she once told me I couldn’t make lasagna for my
family because that was “her” dish that she makes at Christmas
and me making it would cause it to be “less special.” She once
flipped out and refused to acknowledge my DH and me when we went
to take her a birthday present because it was the day AFTER her
birthday (we celebrated with her at dinner Friday night and went
over to her house on Sunday for gifts and cake, but her actual
birthdate was on Saturday. Heaven forbid that, at the end of
November, we did something with MY family for Thanksgiving so
that we could celebrate the actual Thanksgiving holiday with
HER).
The latest debacle occurred at our regularly scheduled Friday
night dinner (my effort to keep the family peace in a neutral
location) at a local restaurant. My DD (not yet two) was not
feeling well. She had also missed her nap that afternoon at
daycare. So, there I am holding my kid, trying to allow her to
go to sleep on my shoulder (with mixed success), and there is my
MIL – trying not once, not twice, but THREE times to physically
take my child out of my arms. I told her no the first time. I
told her no the second time. The third time, I got up and walked
out of the restaurant. I told my DH that I’d drive our baby
around until she fell asleep, I’d go fill up the gas tank,
please enjoy the rest of his dinner.
My MIL is furious with me and she just doesn’t get it. My DH, to
his credit, did not speak about the issue with his mom at ALL,
even though he DID tell me privately that he thought I
overreacted and that I should just “learn to ignore her like Dad
and I do.”
Yesterday morning, she sends him this text out of the blue: “So
you think this is my fault? I was trying to be a loving
comforting grandmother to my granddaughter and let her Girlie
eat her dinner. If you and Girlie don’t want us in your life
tell me now because that’s how it looks to me. Girlie doesn’t
want Granddaughter to be close to me. That is blatantly obvious.
What mother doesn’t want her daughter to be comforted by its
grandmother? It doesn’t make sense to me!!!!! I will not be
treated in this manner ever again and I deserve an apology.”
My DH understands that I won’t be issuing an apology, but he has
asked that I try to communicate with his mother to bridge some
sort of peace. I don’t know how. I don’t even know where to
begin. His mother doesn’t want to talk to me without an apology,
so I don’t know what I can possibly say that won’t make this
situation even worse, and honestly – I kind of resent the fact
that she started a Monday morning (after no contact for over a
week) with an angry text message to my husband that was
concerned only about herself and that attacked me as a mom. I
honestly was just trying to do the best by my daughter (who
turned out to be suffering from roseola, btw).
So, y’all – what would you do? What would you SAY?
#Post#: 10124--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: Hmmm Date: July 31, 2018, 8:56 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I would not apologize. I would instead provide the following.
"MIL, I told you twice that DD needed to stay where she was and
a third time you ignored me. My priority was on giving peace to
my daughter and allowing her some sleep, not on whether I could
eat my dinner. Moving her from one person to another was not
what was best for her. If you can't respect me as a person, I
request you at least learn to respect me as your granddaughter's
mother. If you can't, then I don't know where our relationship
will go."
Sorry, but your husband and FIL are wimps and their behavior is
why she has always gotten away with her tantrums. Tell your DH
that in the future, he will be the one dealing with daughter
during family dinners and get togethers around his mother. If
your DD is fussy, he'll be the one doing it, if she needs held
through dinner, he'll be the one doing it, if she needs to be
taken out of the restaurant because she's throwing a fit, she'll
be the one doing it.
It's not your place to keep peace with her. It's her place to
keep peace with you because you are now the one in power... i.e.
the one who controls access to her grandchild.
#Post#: 10128--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: Jem Date: July 31, 2018, 9:12 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=574.msg10124#msg10124
date=1533045368]
It's not your place to keep peace with her. It's her place to
keep peace with you because you are now the one in power... i.e.
the one who controls access to her grandchild.
[/quote]
Well said. I think it is a personal decision whether the OP
"should" apologize or make an effort toward peace. I personally
would not apologize but would probably make an effort toward
peace. I would likely explain in gentle terms the above, maybe
something like: "MIL, I know you love DD, but I am her mother
and I get to decide what is best for her. If I tell you DD needs
rest, accept that DD needs rest. If I tell you now is not the
time for you to cuddle DD, please accept that. I want you to be
in DD's life, but I want DD to be happy and healthy too, and DD
is my priority, not whether you get to play with her as you want
to. If you don't accept that right now, DD and I will have to
keep our distance until you do." And be certain your DH backs
you up.
#Post#: 10130--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: Twik Date: July 31, 2018, 9:16 am
---------------------------------------------------------
The thing is, you can't make peace with her, barring abject
surrender.
The good news is that holding your ground may eventually, after
she weeps and wails and stomps and gnashes her teeth, bring
peace. She wants, at least, to be part of her son's and
grandchild's life. When her normal aggressive actions don't
work, her next plan is likely to be to "sweep everything under
the rug." One day she'll contact you as if none of this ever
happened. Just hold your course, and the tantrums may become
less frequent as she realizes they don't work on you. (Good
practice for dealing with toddlers.)
#Post#: 10136--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: STiG Date: July 31, 2018, 9:40 am
---------------------------------------------------------
You have a MIL problem. But you also have a DH problem. He
isn't backing you 100% here. And until you and your DH are
completely in agreement, there is no point in trying to make
peace with MIL; if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile and
DH will let her.
#Post#: 10143--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: Bada Date: July 31, 2018, 10:18 am
---------------------------------------------------------
So many hugs Girlie!!!! What a yucky situation! Especially that
your DH thinks the way to solve it is just to ignore her
awfulness.
Would she be "tricked" by a fake non-apology? "I'm sorry you
feel that way." "I'm sorry you were upset." You're not
apologizing for doing anything, you're just sorry she feels like
she does. I've had a lot of success with it.
My MIL also tries too hard to take the baby when he's fussy. I
don't really understand the urge. (Fortunately she's rational,
and, after saying no twice, she backs off. Also she's only
*asking*, not physically grabbing like your MIL--WTH?)
I'd text her back (from my phone, not DH's). Ideally it would
be something happy and loving like this, although in your shoes
I'm not sure I could bring myself to say this...
[quote]I'm sorry you are upset. Thank you for wanting me to be
able to enjoy my dinner. However, when DD isn't feeling well,
as her mom, I want to comfort her myself. Thanks for
understanding.[/quote]
and maybe add:
[quote]I know DD loves you very much and it's important to me
that you two have a relationship as she grows up. But dinner
Friday wasn't a good time for either of you to be bonding.
There will be lots of time for bonding when she's feeling well!
[/quote]
#Post#: 10145--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: IceBear Date: July 31, 2018, 10:39 am
---------------------------------------------------------
From her point of view she was sure she could calm your daughter
down and save the day. I think there's an easier answer...
apologize, and next time, let her take the fussy child. And deal
with the fallout of having a screaming child in her arms. Right
now she's convinced in her own mind that she could magically
calm the child down. Let her find out that she can't. Then
she'll stop bugging you.
#Post#: 10153--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: Hanna Date: July 31, 2018, 11:46 am
---------------------------------------------------------
This would be so hard and I would not apologize for my actions.
I think the best I might be able to do is say something like:
"I understand that you are upset that I didn't allow you to hold
Granddaughter while she was sick. It's hard for any loving
grandparent to see a baby upset and I know you wanted to comfort
her. Due to my nature and I think generally, the nature of most
mothers, I am not able to share the responsibility of caring for
her when she is ill if I am able to do so myself. This is not
meant to slight or cause pain to anyone else. My only focus when
she is not feeling well is on meeting her needs, and that is not
something I can or wish to change about myself. My mistake here
was bringing her out when she didn't feel good, but we did want
to keep our normal night out with you."
and so on.
She sounds like an incredibly difficult woman who is prone to
creating drama, but I would be willing to try to come to some
understanding with her, without surrendering.
For the lasagna type issues "Oh MIL, of course your lasagna is
always going to be special no matter what! You make it best!"
and a bunch of patronizing crap like that.
#Post#: 10154--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: TootsNYC Date: July 31, 2018, 11:54 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=STiG link=topic=574.msg10136#msg10136
date=1533048043]
You have a MIL problem. But you also have a DH problem. He
isn't backing you 100% here. And until you and your DH are
completely in agreement, there is no point in trying to make
peace with MIL; if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile and
DH will let her.
[/quote]
I agree with this! (What grandmother wouldn't want her
granddaughter to be comforted to sleep by her mother, hmmmm?)
And I would say nothing. I would act as though this was a
ridiculous aberration that will soon blow over, and I'd leave it
alone.
When she acts like this, she should get radio silence. No
response at all. Should an occasion arise when you DO interact
(as it will, eventually), just pretend nothing happened.
You know she was unreasonable and totally wrong. But you don't
need to make HER acknowledge that; be willing to let it drop.
THAT is your contribution to family harmony--that you won't act
like her, and demand apologies for the real slights and offenses
she commits (while hers seem to be about made-up slights).
Two sayings here: "It won't get better if you pick at it." —Mrs.
Cosmopolite
So, try to let it not fester inside your head, and try not
to ever get in a conversation about it. If someone tries (DH, or
MIL, or anyone), say, "It was just so silly. I've decided that
I'm not going to hold a grudge over it, even though I was kind
of offended. But let's not talk about it--it won't get better if
we pick at it."
and: "She'll get over it. That, or she'll die mad." —ex-Uncle
Bill Miller
Repeat that to yourself, and to others.
[quote author=IceBear link=topic=574.msg10145#msg10145
date=1533051591]
From her point of view she was sure she could calm your daughter
down and save the day. I think there's an easier answer...
apologize, and next time, let her take the fussy child. And deal
with the fallout of having a screaming child in her arms. Right
now she's convinced in her own mind that she could magically
calm the child down. Let her find out that she can't. Then
she'll stop bugging you.
[/quote]
That seems kind of mean to the little one. And I'm not sure that
you'd win anyway--once you did take the child away, it would be
somehow your fault all over again.
If you decide you do want to reply, I like Bada's scripts very
much.
#Post#: 10156--------------------------------------------------
Re: MIL Woes - How to bridge peace? Is peace possible?
By: TootsNYC Date: July 31, 2018, 11:58 am
---------------------------------------------------------
and I like this point as well:
[quote]…I am her mother and I get to decide what is best for
her.…If you don't accept that right now, DD and I will have to
keep our distance until you do.[/quote]
Remind her that your priorities and wishes are valid and
real--and you have power here.
(My response to her "if you don't want me in your lives, that's
how it'll be" would be: YAY!)
I wouldn't bring it up right away, but I'd do it if she pushed
the issue.
I often think too many people don't get mad or offended back at
people; sometimes the PROPER defense is a firm offense.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page