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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 9666--------------------------------------------------
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO sorry.
(Fixed now, I hope)
DIR By: ZekailleTasker
Date: July 25, 2018, 8:37 pm
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To clarify for those who don't understand the first three
responses: I was trying to write the missive below, but my
computer refused to work and I got some useful tips from the
readers.
Okay, so I am using break time at work to update this.
Here's the story, more or less.
I am a confessed Luddite. I do not like having everything at my
fingertips (i.e., cell phone) not do I like that it can find me
when necessary for the OTHER person, but not necessarily
convenient to me. Meanwhile, my home computer behaves as if it
is having a seizure and it can take an hour to write a
paragraph.
And what this has to do with the price of rice and being sorry
is:
Friends and I stayed with another friend for three days
recently. We brought all kinds of food and thank you gifts,
bought the family dinner and breakfast, hugged and thanked them
profusely as we left and called to let them know we got home in
one piece and thanked them again.
My friends are retired and they seem to have no problem with
their laptops. I usually write from work (like now) and I had
already said "Don't expect to hear from me until after I get
back to work."
When I returned to work a few days later, it was to discover
that our system had crashed and was down for three days. I
called the host, first to say thank you since I couldn't email
and to say that the system had crashed, so we couldn't use
internet or send email.
Before I could say a word, she started right in on how I hadn't
sent a thank you email and it was very hurtful that I hadn't
said again what a good time I had and she really wondered about
our friendship and...and...and....
I apologized and said "You know how bad my email is at home
and..."
"Well you have it on your phone, don't you? You sent your staff
an email while you were here. You could have emailed from your
phone."
"I sent a text to tell them where the supplies were. Not an
email. I don't have email on my phone. It keeps disappearing
and besides, it's one more thing floating around in the ozone."
"Well, I don't get texts."
She went on a few more minutes and I finally got to say "Well,,
I was calling to say thank you, which I should have done last
week, I suppose, but now I really don't feel like thanking
anyone and the whole weekend now feels like something dirty."
We talked a few minutes and hung up on good terms, but now I
feel like the worst friend EVER.
I have a lot of trouble keeping up with my emails from this
particular crowd. All of them are retired and sometimes when I
check my inbox there are fifteen to twenty messages a day. I
WORK eight hours a day, I have responsibilities when I get home
and I cannot keep up that kind of correspondence right now. I
don't think I could keep up if I was retired. Many of the
emails are lengthy or convoluted and after three or four of
them, I forget which cousin had the car accident, whose cat has
the measles and which aging parent is cruising for a bruising.
In short: I FORGET STUFF.
Everyone else seems to be able to keep track of each other, but
I have never been this good, not even with close friends. So I
just bought a notebook and have decided when reading emails I
will jot down notes if I can. It seems so silly to do that, but
I can't keep every blasted message and cat video that comes
through.
So was I a bad friend because I didn't write an immediate email?
Maybe I should have just sent a snail mail note.
This friend is a little thin skinned: I once forgot her
birthday because, heaven forefend, my mother was sick and I had
a lot on my mind. She pouted for several days about that and I
still hear about it. As another acquaintance said "She will
give you praise when it is deserved, but she will remind you of
your failures forever."
Completely true. The woman was my boss for a short period of
time and was constantly correcting whatever I did. If I finally
succeeded in doing things exactly the way she wanted...she would
find another reason why it was wrong. It has been fifteen years
since she bough a book for our branch because she knew I liked
the author and the book turned out to be an illustrated version
of a very graphic horror story. Somehow that was my fault and
she hasn't let me forget it.
I know one should send a thank you note immediately, but I
brought wine and chips and a lemon cake and strawberry jam and
homemade goodies, too....I told her how sorry I was to be
leaving as she had made her home so cozy for us and how much fun
I had had.
How long do I have to wade through the bad mannered brimstone
for this? Anyone else encounter something similar?
#Post#: 9706--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry.
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: July 26, 2018, 10:16 am
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I sympathize - my computer does that too! The most irksome is
when it selects and deletes whole sections, and yes, always when
typing something long. Mine is a laptop, and it seems there are
sensitive spots towards the bottom - where the track pad thing
is - that don't like it sometimes even when my hand is just
near.
#Post#: 9709--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry.
DIR By: guest426
Date: July 26, 2018, 10:32 am
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If you're using a laptop, there's usually a button to turn off
the track pad. That way, an accidental brush with your thumb
doesn't move the cursor.
Look for an icon that resembles the track pad (big box with two
little boxes, the buttons, underneath). Usually, it's up on the
F keys and you'll have to hold down the Fn button to use it.
(On my laptop, it's Fn+F6, but I've seen it in different places
on different peoples' computers).
#Post#: 9722--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry.
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: July 26, 2018, 12:18 pm
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thanks - the track pad IS off! I don't know what causes these
things to happen. I just sigh and carry on...
#Post#: 10307--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry. (Fixed now, I hope)
DIR By: blueyzca
Date: August 1, 2018, 4:35 pm
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If I visited with a "friend" and brought wine and chips and a
lemon cake and strawberry jam and homemade goodies and told her
how sorry I was to be leaving as she had made her home so cozy
for us and how much fun I had had, and then she had a conniption
because I didn't send a thank you note immediately, I'd find a
new friend.
Did she send you a thank you note for the wine and chips and a
lemon cake and strawberry jam and homemade goodies??? I'm
guessing not.
#Post#: 10311--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry. (Fixed now, I hope)
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: August 1, 2018, 4:56 pm
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--- Quote ---
> nd I finally got to say "Well,, I was calling to say thank
you, which I should have done last week, I suppose, but now I
really don't feel like thanking anyone and the whole weekend now
feels like something dirty."
--- End Quote ---
You said that? You actually said those words to her?
OMG!!!
Really?
I am so in awe. That's how I was feeling as I read her diatribe,
and I am SO VERY GLAD that you actually gave her some negative
response to that bullshit.
You were in fact a very good friend to tell her that her words
had hurt you and had damaged your friendship.
I'm realizing now that I did something like this to a friend of
mine twice.
I had met her from a college church group, and then she
introduced me to her best friend. Her best friend and I hit it
off bigtime and we had more in common, in a lot of ways, and it
was a constant thing for me to keep making sure we didn't leave
her out.
Both of these incidents were related to this conflict.
The first was during the first year we knew each other; they
were roommates. We were in their room, and Denise and I were
talking about something at our shared extracurricular, and Debby
blew up and said, "You guys are always leaving me out!" and went
on and on.
I thought she had a point; I felt guilty. And so I let her
just keep going; I figured we deserved it, and she deserved a
chance to really let it all out. When she stopped, I waited a
beat, and then I said (or started), "You are right, and I am SO
sorry. We have this activity together, and sometimes we forget.
You're important to me, and we need to treat you better."
She interrupted me after a couple of sentences and voiced
her complaint again. I tried to get back to my apology, and she
interrupted a second time.
I got mad. I said, angrily, "You are right, and we were
wrong, and I am sorry, and I am trying to apologize. But I am
not going to stand here and have to interrupt my apology to
continue to berate me. Obviously you aren't ready to hear an
apology, so when you are, you come find me." And I left.
Years later, I'd moved to NYC and didn't have a phone I could
call out on; I could receive calls on the hallway extension in
my dorm-type living place, but I couldn't make calls out. And we
sort of drifted (but I was more likely to call Denise--and every
time I did, she told me Debby was hurt that I didn't call her).
So I called her one night (which was difficult and effing
EXPENSIVE! bcs I had to charge it to my parents' phone, so it
was as much as calling collect).
As soon as I identified myself, she started in about how "I
never hear from you" and how I should call more often. I got
pissed off.
"You know," I said, "every time I call you, the first thing
you do is scold me. It's not very fun to hear, and that's part
of why I don't call you. Also--the phone works both ways, and it
costs me a LOT of money to call you. I live halfway across the
country from you, and I'm making new friends--I don't have to
call you. But instead of being glad I did, you start off by
whining and scolding me."
I didn't hang up, but I did stop and wait for her to
apologize.
She never did it again, either time.
And I think I was right. And I think it was an important thing
for her to hear (which is why, actually, I said it).
Sometimes we have to help our friends grow. I think that's what
you did here.
#Post#: 10312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry. (Fixed now, I hope)
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: August 1, 2018, 5:04 pm
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You missed something--I hope you don't mind if I add it:
--- Quote from: blueyzca link ---
>
> If I visited with a "friend" and brought wine and chips and a
lemon cake and strawberry jam and homemade goodies and told her
how sorry I was to be leaving as she had made her home so cozy
for us and how much fun I had had, and I called her when I got
home and said thank you again, and then she had a conniption
because I didn't send a thank you note immediately, I'd find a
new friend.
>
>
--- End Quote ---
I wouldn't find a new friend, but I'd be really, really direct
about how this was Not Okay.
#Post#: 10313--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry. (Fixed now, I hope)
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 1, 2018, 5:45 pm
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If I understand correctly, you thanked the hosts before you
left, you called upon returning home to confirm safety and
offered thanks again. Your friend gave you grief that she did
not receive an additional email from you within a few days to
offer thanks again???
I think this is where I send an email to her with "I wanted to
tell you again how much we enjoyed your generosity the other
weekend. I've always enjoyed spending time with you. Which is
why this hurts so much. I've really struggled since our last
conversation, but I realize that I can not live up to your
expectations for our friendship. I'll never be able to meet your
standards for communication and constant contact. My work and
life commitments really limit the amount of time I have for
staying engaged in private correspondence via email but I
understand it's your prerogative to request that of your
friends. I wish you all the best in life."
#Post#: 10314--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry. (Fixed now, I hope)
DIR By: pierrotlunaire0
Date: August 1, 2018, 5:48 pm
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First off, I have to admit that like you, I am a relative
Luddite. I have a cell, and I can supposedly make and receive
emails (but that is a crap shoot), and I really don't want to!
Ahem. Climbing back off of soapbox.
Your "friend" was totally out of line. Let's suppose you never
thanked her. After several weeks, a true friend might say, "You
know, you never thanked me. I love you dearly, and so I feel
that I can be honest, and say that it hurt."
And then you let it go.
This going on and on about it is ridiculous, and she needs to
grow up.
#Post#: 10386--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Really, I am Sorry. SO
sorry. (Fixed now, I hope)
DIR By: dani321
Date: August 2, 2018, 12:58 pm
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Seriously, what?! These people are old enough to be retired, but
your "friend" is behaving like a spoiled child! Of course, it's
good manners to send a thank you note after a visit, that's
super nice and all, but to me, the more important part is
showing you actually appreciate the favor - which you did, over
and over, profusely. And "Friend" isn't even sticking to old
school manners by insisting you send a mailed note, she just
wants you to thank her using the one and only method she
prefers, which also happens to be the most difficult (or even
impossible) method for you to use, and she will accept nothing
else. You did nothing wrong, and Friend is very very rude. I
hope that she's not someone you'll need to hang around or visit
with again, but if you are ever in the position of of needing to
thank her again, I would mail a handwritten note as soon as
possible after the fact and consider your etiquette requirements
satisfied (I'd still also probably bring a small hostess gift
and buy one meal for a 3 day visit, because of good manners, but
probably not the super generous amount of treats you brought
this time!). If she were to continue to harp on this instance, I
think you're well within your rights to defend yourself with the
facts you mentioned here; lack of home email, lack of work
email, calling when you got home and again when you found out
the internet was down at work, etc.
Also - good for you for defending yourself when she started on
you! Too many of us let things like that go and then wish later
we'd said something.
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