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#Post#: 10203--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: oogyda
Date: July 31, 2018, 7:55 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Pandorica link ---
>
> [quote author=oogyda link=topic=556.msg10070#msg10070
date=1532985117]
> [quote author=Bada link=topic=556.msg9922#msg9922
date=1532876823]
>
> Someone mentioned using a Cut Direct here. Cutting off
siblings is a big deal. It's going to make family gatherings for
the rest of your life tricky. I agree both sisters were hurtful,
but I think CD is too extreme. This merits maybe having a
conversation, and for sure changing how you react going forward
(they're jerks and are rude, expecting it might help you not
take the insult as deeply), but not a CD IMHO.
>
--- End Quote ---
I suggested employing the Cut Direct. It's very different than
a Cut Off. Also, it can be used once to get your point across,
then go back to business as normal.
Basically one would be sending the message "I will not
acknowledge you after your latest treatment of me, but we can
start fresh."
[/quote]
That's not what the Cut Direct is.
[/quote]
Yes. I explained that poorly. One can use the CD at the next
event. Then, the next time they are together proceed as if
nothing has happened (the "starting fresh" reference).
Rinse and repeat as necessary.
The person I was responding to seemed to be confusing a Cut
Direct with a Cut Off.
#Post#: 10207--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: July 31, 2018, 8:28 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote author=TeamBhakta link=topic=556.msg9913#msg9913
date=1532872558]
> I have to wonder why the husband who doesn't eat pork couldn't
speak up for himself. It makes his wife look like a mommy
planning a playdate for a picky child ::)
>
--- End Quote ---
Well, he wasn't in the conversation!
I don't think it's fair to blame him.
My DH will often make a bigger fuss about gluten-free stuff than
I would like, because he's looking out for me. I can't control
that--not even by saying, "Don't make such a fuss."
And I can see him saying something like that--when people take
on an advocacy role, they sometimes go overboard.
[/quote]
My DH has gone overboard about my food allergy, but not my
strong preferences - which, incidentally, include pork.
Despedina, I'm glad you took the beans and that they were
enjoyed. I think both sisters were rude. One for expecting that
every dish would suit her husband's preferences and the other
for saying she hates something. I'm guessing they realize that
now and are moving forward.
#Post#: 10271--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: August 1, 2018, 11:40 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: oogyda link ---
>
> [quote author=Pandorica link=topic=556.msg10073#msg10073
date=1532987643]
> [quote author=oogyda link=topic=556.msg10070#msg10070
date=1532985117]
> [quote author=Bada link=topic=556.msg9922#msg9922
date=1532876823]
>
> Someone mentioned using a Cut Direct here. Cutting off
siblings is a big deal. It's going to make family gatherings for
the rest of your life tricky. I agree both sisters were hurtful,
but I think CD is too extreme. This merits maybe having a
conversation, and for sure changing how you react going forward
(they're jerks and are rude, expecting it might help you not
take the insult as deeply), but not a CD IMHO.
>
--- End Quote ---
I suggested employing the Cut Direct. It's very different than
a Cut Off. Also, it can be used once to get your point across,
then go back to business as normal.
Basically one would be sending the message "I will not
acknowledge you after your latest treatment of me, but we can
start fresh."
[/quote]
That's not what the Cut Direct is.
[/quote]
Yes. I explained that poorly. One can use the CD at the next
event. Then, the next time they are together proceed as if
nothing has happened (the "starting fresh" reference).
Rinse and repeat as necessary.
The person I was responding to seemed to be confusing a Cut
Direct with a Cut Off.
[/quote]
Would you really be ok with a relative completely ignoring you
like you were not alive at an event and then be willing at the
next event to "just start fresh" and proceed like nothing had
happened?
If my SiL or Sis refused to acknowledge my greeting and then did
not speak to me for an entire event, we are not going back to a
normal relationship the next time I see them without some
serious relationship patching up occuring. And at a family
event, this type of behavior would cause all sorts of comments
and questions and probably ruin the event for everyone.
Remember, a CD is not done in private. It must be be witnessed
by others to be a CD.
They can be upset with me about a comment I made and express
their feelings to me. But they do not get to treat me like I am
dirt under their shoes and then have me happily go along with
brushing their actions under the rug.
#Post#: 10276--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: oogyda
Date: August 1, 2018, 11:50 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> [quote author=oogyda link=topic=556.msg10203#msg10203
date=1533084932]
> [quote author=Pandorica link=topic=556.msg10073#msg10073
date=1532987643]
> [quote author=oogyda link=topic=556.msg10070#msg10070
date=1532985117]
> [quote author=Bada link=topic=556.msg9922#msg9922
date=1532876823]
>
> Someone mentioned using a Cut Direct here. Cutting off
siblings is a big deal. It's going to make family gatherings for
the rest of your life tricky. I agree both sisters were hurtful,
but I think CD is too extreme. This merits maybe having a
conversation, and for sure changing how you react going forward
(they're jerks and are rude, expecting it might help you not
take the insult as deeply), but not a CD IMHO.
>
--- End Quote ---
I suggested employing the Cut Direct. It's very different than
a Cut Off. Also, it can be used once to get your point across,
then go back to business as normal.
Basically one would be sending the message "I will not
acknowledge you after your latest treatment of me, but we can
start fresh."
[/quote]
That's not what the Cut Direct is.
[/quote]
Yes. I explained that poorly. One can use the CD at the next
event. Then, the next time they are together proceed as if
nothing has happened (the "starting fresh" reference).
Rinse and repeat as necessary.
The person I was responding to seemed to be confusing a Cut
Direct with a Cut Off.
[/quote]
Would you really be ok with a relative completely ignoring you
like you were not alive at an event and then be willing at the
next event to "just start fresh" and proceed like nothing had
happened?
If my SiL or Sis refused to acknowledge my greeting and then did
not speak to me for an entire event, we are not going back to a
normal relationship the next time I see them without some
serious relationship patching up occuring. And at a family
event, this type of behavior would cause all sorts of comments
and questions and probably ruin the event for everyone.
Remember, a CD is not done in private. It must be be witnessed
by others to be a CD.
They can be upset with me about a comment I made and express
their feelings to me. But they do not get to treat me like I am
dirt under their shoes and then have me happily go along with
brushing their actions under the rug.
[/quote]
Would I be okay with it? No.
Neither would I be okay with treating a relative like the
cousins in the OP did.
I'm not saying that after situations like this I'd be willing or
able to resume the relationship in it's former state, either.
But, I would be willing to "start fresh" in forging a different
relationship with firm boundaries in place. Only because this
is part of a family group and I am most likely going to
encounter them in the future unless I want to exclude myself
from the gatherings.
If everyone wants to dig in their heels and not talk to each
other, that's okay, too.
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