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#Post#: 9521--------------------------------------------------
Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: Despedina
Date: July 24, 2018, 3:08 pm
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I was invited to a pot/luck type party for this Sunday. The
hostess is providing BBQ and asked several of us on a group text
to bring and side and asked what we could bring (to make sure no
one is bringing the same things). Everyone on this text is
family. Several things were put out there - potato casserole,
broccoli casserole mac and cheese, and slaw. I said I would
bring some baked beans that we make that's made with cooked
apples and pork, and also Zucchini bread. I've made this before
for the same group of people and I've not yet tried to force it
in anyone's mouth. On person on the text says "My husband
doesn't eat pork" in response to my text (there will be plenty
of other foods) and another says "I had that before and I hate
it LOL". I was then told to make something else. I said well I
guess I won't be bringing the beans then. I was told I was being
dramatic and weird and asked what my problem was. I explained
when someone is going out of their way to make a dish from
scratch it is rude to tell them how much you hate it and won't
be eating it. You just eat something else.
Was I wrong in pointing this out? This person has said several
other rude things to me in the last few months and I've bean
dipped over and over. I guess I just reached a breaking point.
My husband said maybe we should do something else with our
Sunday. My issue is that the hostess did not say or do anything
rude and I feel like it would be rude to her not to come.
Thoughts?
#Post#: 9523--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: cleargleam
Date: July 24, 2018, 3:32 pm
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If you were actively told (by someone whose opinion particularly
mattered to you) to make something else, I don't see a problem
in not bringing two labor-intensive dishes.
Beyond that, a lot depends on how well you know the group -
would several others at the BBQ eat the bean dish? If so, go
ahead and bring it. Not every dish has to appeal to everybody.
And if somebody hates it, well, that's what happens at a pot
luck.
#Post#: 9524--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: Despedina
Date: July 24, 2018, 3:36 pm
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Right that was not the issue. It was these 2 going out of their
way to tell me what a terrible idea it was to make it and that
they wouldn't touch it. These were 2 sisters not that it
matters. Another sister is the hostess.
#Post#: 9528--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: July 24, 2018, 3:44 pm
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--- Quote from: Despedina link ---
>
> I was invited to a pot/luck type party for this Sunday. The
hostess is providing BBQ and asked several of us on a group text
to bring and side and asked what we could bring (to make sure no
one is bringing the same things). Everyone on this text is
family. Several things were put out there - potato casserole,
broccoli casserole mac and cheese, and slaw. I said I would
bring some baked beans that we make that's made with cooked
apples and pork, and also Zucchini bread. I've made this before
for the same group of people and I've not yet tried to force it
in anyone's mouth. On person on the text says "My husband
doesn't eat pork" in response to my text (there will be plenty
of other foods) and another says "I had that before and I hate
it LOL". I was then told to make something else. I said well I
guess I won't be bringing the beans then. I was told I was being
dramatic and weird and asked what my problem was. I explained
when someone is going out of their way to make a dish from
scratch it is rude to tell them how much you hate it and won't
be eating it. You just eat something else.
>
> Was I wrong in pointing this out? This person has said several
other rude things to me in the last few months and I've bean
dipped over and over. I guess I just reached a breaking point.
My husband said maybe we should do something else with our
Sunday. My issue is that the hostess did not say or do anything
rude and I feel like it would be rude to her not to come.
Thoughts?
>
--- End Quote ---
If I'm reading this correctly, all the people involved are your
family. One person's husband doesn't eat pork, and another
doesn't like your beans. So, 2 people out of the total group
have indicated they won't eat your dish. In your shoes, I would
have either said I'd leave out the pork, or set aside a
piggy-free portion for the guy who doesn't eat pork, and I'd
have totally ignored the other person. You don't like it?
Fine by me, more for the rest of us. ;D
Who was it who told you to make another dish? If it was the gal
who said she didn't like your dish, I would have told her that I
was going to bring the beans and she could just skip them.
Sounds like you've got plenty of other foods for her to choose
from. However, if there is another dish you'd like to make
instead, you could tell them you were going to bring that and,
if she replies she doesn't like that either, then just go back
to the beans.
From your update it doesn't sound like they both went
--- Quote ---
> out of their way to tell me what a terrible idea it was to
make it and that they wouldn't touch it.
--- End Quote ---
One said her DH didn't eat pork, the other that she didn't
like your dish. Maybe past rudeness has made their responses
seem more rude to you than they are to me, or maybe they said
something else you haven't mentioned yet.
#Post#: 9531--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: Despedina
Date: July 24, 2018, 3:54 pm
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Hmm, maybe I was a bit more sensitive due to recent past
rudeness. There were 5 of us on the text. I guess the sister
with the husband that doesn't eat pork was getting on my nerves
because she seems to get upset when EVERYONE doesn't obey this
at every get together. Also when I said I wouldn't bring the
beans she said "Ohhh you hurt her feelings". I just find it so
unnecessary to exclaim that you hate something. Can you imagine
if a coworker came in on potluck day with something and another
coworker said "wow I really hate that dish, I won't be eating
that". That's what I kept thinking.
Was I wrong to point out that its rude?
#Post#: 9535--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: cleargleam
Date: July 24, 2018, 3:59 pm
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--- Quote from: Despedina link ---
>
> Hmm, maybe I was a bit more sensitive due to recent past
rudeness. There were 5 of us on the text. I guess the sister
with the husband that doesn't eat pork was getting on my nerves
because she seems to get upset when EVERYONE doesn't obey this
at every get together. Also when I said I wouldn't bring the
beans she said "Ohhh you hurt her feelings". I just find it so
unnecessary to exclaim that you hate something. Can you imagine
if a coworker came in on potluck day with something and another
coworker said "wow I really hate that dish, I won't be eating
that". That's what I kept thinking.
>
> Was I wrong to point out that its rude?
>
--- End Quote ---
No, although having said it, you will probably find that nothing
changes. But at least now she knows you find that behavior
rude.
As for the "no pork", that's an issue for the family. Some of
my friends don't eat pork, but view that as a personal
constraint, and not one that everyone needs to observe when
getting together. With other friends, as a courtesy, no one has
pork when they visit. It's a case by case thing, though; there
is no absolute rule.
#Post#: 9536--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: Venus193
Date: July 24, 2018, 4:01 pm
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They were incredibly rude to say this to you, especially in such
a public way. That they are the sisters of the hostess may have
been the driver in the hostess telling you to make something
else.
How many people are invited vs how many were in on this
discussion?
#Post#: 9537--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: July 24, 2018, 4:02 pm
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I don't think you needed to point out it was rude - I'd just
ignore it and not let her see that it bothered me. Or, if I was
quick-thinking enough, I might have replied, "Yes, my has pride
has bean wounded. LOL."
#Post#: 9540--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 24, 2018, 4:14 pm
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I think they both DID go out of their way to tell you your dish
was a terrible idea.
And I think they were rude. And since they clearly didn't get
it, I don't think you were rude to tell them theirs was not
polite behavior.
You also will not be rude to your hostess if you tell her right
away that you won't after all be able to attend on Sunday.
Everyone will know you're pissed off, and I fear that the one
sister will make a point of pointing out to everyone that you
apparently canceled because your feelings got hurt.
--- Quote ---
> I was then told to make something else.
--- End Quote ---
and
--- Quote ---
> My issue is that the hostess did not say or do anything rude
--- End Quote ---
This combo leads me to think the hostess didn't ask you to bring
some other food, but that one of these sisters did--or the 5th
person in the group? I'm curious.
Re: the pork: How big will the group be? I can see that someone
might feel hurt if pork is always showing up when their spouse
has a really strong dietary prohibition against it.
But the proper way to deal with it is to ASK. To say, "My
husband always feels a little hurt and left out--could you make
something else?"
#Post#: 9541--------------------------------------------------
Re: Pot Luck planning etiquette
DIR By: lakey
Date: July 24, 2018, 4:21 pm
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I don't think OP was wrong or overreacting. Making negative
statements, I don't like that, is rude. Expecting all of the
dishes to accommodate husband's dislike for pork is
unreasonable. I think OP is smart to attend because it isn't the
host's fault that two guests are rude. I would make whatever you
like and ignore those two.
Also, I love homemade baked beans.
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