DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life in General
*****************************************************
#Post#: 9911--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Elle Kruger
Date: July 29, 2018, 8:45 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think you could have gotten Don’s number from Marie and
contacted him yourself before leaving. If there were ten missed
calls on Marie’s phone (which she turned off on purpose, I’m
guessing, to inconvenience Don), Don was probably calling long
before 9:30 to explain his lateness. Maybe he was caught in
traffic, maybe he had a flat tire, maybe his cat was stuck in a
tree. Marie was being spiteful.
I’d take a giant step back from Marie. Not only because of the
aftermath of the spat with Don, but because she acted so
childishly and rudely at the open house.
#Post#: 9916--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: wolfie
Date: July 29, 2018, 9:14 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Elle Kruger link ---
>
> I think you could have gotten Don’s number from Marie and
contacted him yourself before leaving. If there were ten missed
calls on Marie’s phone (which she turned off on purpose, I’m
guessing, to inconvenience Don), Don was probably calling long
before 9:30 to explain his lateness. Maybe he was caught in
traffic, maybe he had a flat tire, maybe his cat was stuck in a
tree. Marie was being spiteful.
>
> I’d take a giant step back from Marie. Not only because of the
aftermath of the spat with Don, but because she acted so
childishly and rudely at the open house.
>
--- End Quote ---
I would guess Marie knew quite well don would be late before she
turned off the phone and I doubt it had anything to do with an
emergency. The if he wanted to come he would be here line
pretty much sounds like s chronic lateness problem she doesn't
want to deal with anymore. But it wasn't right for her to put
that on the op.
#Post#: 10074--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: jpcher
Date: July 30, 2018, 5:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You all have given me great things to think about . . .
especially the cell phone. It is my personal choice not to have
one because I've never felt the need to be so personally
connected at all times. I'm rather introverted and watching
people grab their cell phones for any little thing freaks me out
about a bit because I don't want to feel that obligation of
being available at all times. My loved ones and best friends
know how and best times to contact me, they understand that my
response may not be immediate.
Another question that I have is that many of you asked why I
didn't ask Marie for Don's contact number. Is that really an
okay thing to do these days? I'm in my very late 50's and it
seems that, while I was growing up to this age, asking for a
friend's SO's phone number was a big no-no. As in the friend
would think that there was something underhanded going on, why
ask for his number when I can go through her . . . at least
until we were all besties. Honestly wondering if SO's number is
so freely given?
Yes, many posters said that it was my party, my rules. Why
didn't I just sit down and wait for a bit? Hindsight is a great
thing and like somebody said . . . I often think about responses
on this site when I come across certain situations. Reading
BadManners gives me answers when I wouldn't, otherwise, know
what to do. (Can't find the exact quote. Sorry!) . . . Next time
(hope there won't be one!) I'll be fueled with other options.
Thank you, Twik (to the bold below):
--- Quote from: Twik link ---
>
> Nothing I can see that you could have done to deal with the
main problem, that Marie was (for some reason, possibly
persistent tardiness) furious with Don, and wanted to make him
suffer by missing the outing.
>
> If you *had* a cell, and been able to meet up with him, the
awkwardness would probably just have been worse. The good news
is that if this is the stage their relationship is at, you may
not be double-dating with them much longer.
>
--- End Quote ---
Yes, Marie was a pill during the event and I do wonder how much
more of a disappointing trial the event would have been if Don
did show up.
Sigh.
George and I have mutually agreed that we would not do another
foursome with Don and Marie. If we meet again at a group get
together we will certainly be cordial, but will avoid any "let's
get together" suggestions.
Again, I thank you all for your comments. ;D
#Post#: 10076--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: July 30, 2018, 5:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: jpcher link ---
>
> You all have given me great things to think about . . .
especially the cell phone. It is my personal choice not to have
one because I've never felt the need to be so personally
connected at all times. I'm rather introverted and watching
people grab their cell phones for any little thing freaks me out
about a bit because I don't want to feel that obligation of
being available at all times. My loved ones and best friends
know how and best times to contact me, they understand that my
response may not be immediate.
>
--- End Quote ---
It's absolutely your choice whether or not to have a cell phone.
My biggest concern if I accidentally leave mine at home is
"what if my car breaks down?". There have been a few occasions
where it was extremely helpful to be able to call for help from
my car rather than have to walk somewhere or hope someone will
stop.
#Post#: 10079--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: guest725
Date: July 30, 2018, 6:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm rather introverted and watching people grab their cell
phones for any little thing freaks me out about a bit because I
don't want to feel that obligation of being available at all
times.[i]
[/i]
I'm not sure why you think owning a cell phone automatically
obligates you to be available at all times, but to each their
own.
#Post#: 10080--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: July 30, 2018, 6:49 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote ---
> I'm in my very late 50's and it seems that, while I was
growing up to this age, asking for a friend's SO's phone number
was a big no-no. As in the friend would think that there was
something underhanded going on, why ask for his number when I
can go through her . . . at least until we were all besties.
Honestly wondering if SO's number is so freely given?
--- End Quote ---
I'm in my mid 50's. I can't imagine a time when it would have
been inappropriate to ask for a friend's SO's number if you had
a valid need for it. She knew why you wanted it. And you were
going to call him in front of her.
#Post#: 10083--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: July 30, 2018, 7:08 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: jpcher link ---
>
> Another question that I have is that many of you asked why I
didn't ask Marie for Don's contact number. Is that really an
okay thing to do these days? I'm in my very late 50's and it
seems that, while I was growing up to this age, asking for a
friend's SO's phone number was a big no-no. As in the friend
would think that there was something underhanded going on, why
ask for his number when I can go through her . . . at least
until we were all besties. Honestly wondering if SO's number is
so freely given?
>
--- End Quote ---
Simple answer, for this situation:
Because you couldn't go through her--she literally refused to
call him for you.
In itself, it's perfectly reasonable for her to not want to play
go-between. But in that case, it's perfectly reasonable for you
to then want to contact him yourself. If she wanted to be the
sole or primary point of contact between you and them as a
couple, then she owed you an explanation (on Dan's behalf) for
why Dan wasn't there on time, including trying to get ahold of
him if she genuinely didn't know. If she considers Dan to be
individually responsible for showing up and/or explaining why
he's not there, then she can't be the sole point of contact
between Dan and the host(s)/friend(s) expecting him.
You weren't trying to invite Dan to something Marie would enjoy
and deliberately cut her out (although it may be tempting now
that's she been such a brat). You weren't trying to contact Dan
to start a mad love affair (and really--if that was your intent,
you probably wouldn't start by asking his SO for his number).
You were trying to find out why one of your guests was MIA,
since his SO didn't know and wasn't interested in being the
go-between to find out.
General answer:
IMO and IME, it's perfectly reasonable to be friends with either
or both halves of a couple as individuals, and it's perfectly
reasonable to want to be able to contact your individual friends
directly rather than always having one person always be the
middleman, especially if you want to discuss something one
partner has little interest in (such as this event that Dan was
interested in and Marie clearly wasn't).
I know in the past and in some groups today, it was only
socially acceptable to individually be friends with people of
your own gender as individuals or with couples as a unit. I
don't know if that is still true in your and Marie's circle. It
is certainly not true in mine. However, my impression was that
in those eras/circles, when couples were friends as a unit, they
were expected to act as a unit--i.e., it wouldn't be appropriate
for half of a couple to show up alone, disclaim all
knowledge/responsibility of why their "other half" is rudely
late/missing from an event they said they would attend, and
refuse to find out. Which brings me back to the same conclusion
as above--Marie forfeited any reasonable claim to serving as the
point of contact when she refused to either explain Dan's
absence or contact him on your behalf.
#Post#: 10159--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 31, 2018, 12:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: OnyxBird link ---
>
> [quote author=jpcher link=topic=546.msg10074#msg10074
date=1532988815]
> Another question that I have is that many of you asked why I
didn't ask Marie for Don's contact number. Is that really an
okay thing to do these days? I'm in my very late 50's and it
seems that, while I was growing up to this age, asking for a
friend's SO's phone number was a big no-no. As in the friend
would think that there was something underhanded going on, why
ask for his number when I can go through her . . . at least
until we were all besties. Honestly wondering if SO's number is
so freely given?
>
--- End Quote ---
Simple answer, for this situation:
Because you couldn't go through her--she literally refused to
call him for you.
In itself, it's perfectly reasonable for her to not want to play
go-between. But in that case, it's perfectly reasonable for you
to then want to contact him yourself. If she wanted to be the
sole or primary point of contact between you and them as a
couple, then she owed you an explanation (on Dan's behalf) for
why Dan wasn't there on time, including trying to get ahold of
him if she genuinely didn't know. If she considers Dan to be
individually responsible for showing up and/or explaining why
he's not there, then she can't be the sole point of contact
between Dan and the host(s)/friend(s) expecting him.
You weren't trying to invite Dan to something Marie would enjoy
and deliberately cut her out (although it may be tempting now
that's she been such a brat). You weren't trying to contact Dan
to start a mad love affair (and really--if that was your intent,
you probably wouldn't start by asking his SO for his number).
You were trying to find out why one of your guests was MIA,
since his SO didn't know and wasn't interested in being the
go-between to find out.
General answer:
IMO and IME, it's perfectly reasonable to be friends with either
or both halves of a couple as individuals, and it's perfectly
reasonable to want to be able to contact your individual friends
directly rather than always having one person always be the
middleman, especially if you want to discuss something one
partner has little interest in (such as this event that Dan was
interested in and Marie clearly wasn't).
I know in the past and in some groups today, it was only
socially acceptable to individually be friends with people of
your own gender as individuals or with couples as a unit. I
don't know if that is still true in your and Marie's circle. It
is certainly not true in mine. However, my impression was that
in those eras/circles, when couples were friends as a unit, they
were expected to act as a unit--i.e., it wouldn't be appropriate
for half of a couple to show up alone, disclaim all
knowledge/responsibility of why their "other half" is rudely
late/missing from an event they said they would attend, and
refuse to find out. Which brings me back to the same conclusion
as above--Marie forfeited any reasonable claim to serving as the
point of contact when she refused to either explain Dan's
absence or contact him on your behalf.
[/quote]
Yeah, if you'd asked Marie for his phone number, would she have
given it to you?
I think no. Because she was determined to be a pill.
#Post#: 10190--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: lakey
Date: July 31, 2018, 5:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
jpcher, I understand your not wanting a cell phone. As another
commenter mentioned, they are great to have in emergencies, for
instance if your car breaks down. There are cell phones and
plans that are much more limited and can be used for such
situations. You don't even need to give out your cell phone
number or tell other people you have it.
Also, I don't answer the phone if I don't feel like it. Maybe
it's younger people who feel like they need to answer their
phone, or texts, whether they're busy, napping, or whatever. Me,
I'm fine with ignoring phone calls or knocks at the door. You
can always call them back later if you choose.
#Post#: 10201--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 31, 2018, 7:45 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
(it's OK that you don't have a cell phone. And it's also not our
business. Really)
*****************************************************
Page 6 of 6
DIR Previous Page