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#Post#: 9347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: July 22, 2018, 9:56 pm
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I can completely understand how, in the situation, it's not
clear how to proceed because I'm imagining a weird, "cut it with
a knife" discomfort. Similar to another poster, I think "acting
as if" is the way to go - just proceed as if the awkwardness
isn't there and either get the number from Marie or have her
call.
To the cell phone - others have talked about the need for one
for safety reasons, but things like this are also more easily
resolved - your daughter could have called you and gotten the
information for Don to meet you all. Does George have a cell
phone? Did she have that number? I'm guessing no, but, for the
future, you might want to leave his number with her if you're
out together. (Or get a pre-paid "burner" phone.)
I appreciate when people post things that, in hindsight, seem
like a "slam dunk." Because if (more like when) I find myself in
similar situations it's easier to clear the mind clutter and
think, "Oh, this is just like X on Bad Manners. Everyone thought
she should Y" and then execute Y.
#Post#: 9358--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: RubyCat
Date: July 23, 2018, 6:46 am
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--- Quote from: NFPwife link ---
>
> I can completely understand how, in the situation, it's not
clear how to proceed because I'm imagining a weird, "cut it with
a knife" discomfort. Similar to another poster, I think "acting
as if" is the way to go - just proceed as if the awkwardness
isn't there and either get the number from Marie or have her
call.
>
> To the cell phone - others have talked about the need for one
for safety reasons, but things like this are also more easily
resolved - your daughter could have called you and gotten the
information for Don to meet you all. Does George have a cell
phone? Did she have that number? I'm guessing no, but, for the
future, you might want to leave his number with her if you're
out together. (Or get a pre-paid "burner" phone.)
>
> I appreciate when people post things that, in hindsight, seem
like a "slam dunk." Because if (more like when) I find myself in
similar situations it's easier to clear the mind clutter and
think, "Oh, this is just like X on Bad Manners. Everyone thought
she should Y" and then execute Y.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree. In such an uncomfortable situation, I would have been
a bit like the deer in the headlights. I would've been so
caught off guard that I would not really know how to proceed.
Reading about situations here gives me time to think things
through in my own time when I'm not under pressure and the
"right" thing to do comes easier (most of the time).
While reading the original post I kept thinking "why not call
Don"? And yet I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to
get in the middle of whatever tension there was between Don and
Marie. I would be uncomfortable asking for Don's number (even
though that seems silly to me, I still wouldn't want to do it).
And then I started thinking "If Don's running late, it's on him
to call." But he did and Marie had her phone shut off. The
nicest thing I can say about her is that she's a piece of work.
I've never met her but I don't like her, especially for putting
you in the middle of whatever problem she and Don were having.
After reading about the OP's situation, going forward I intend
to get individual's numbers when planning an event. Plus,
there's no guarantee that Marie would share the number. It would
never occur to me that Marie would behave the way she did. I
learn so much here!
Maybe I'm an outlier, but I don't seen the lack of cellphone
ownership as a big deal. I grew up without one and often think
that we've become too dependent on them, myself included. I
find that I feel somehow freer and more able to relax if I leave
the phone behind when I go for walks in the neighborhood. I
love having my phone and would not be comfortable driving long
distances, especially at night, without one, but that's an
individual decision. It should be for *my* convenience, not
telemarketers, scammers, etc. If the OP feels the need for one,
she should get one; if she doesn't then why should she?
#Post#: 9362--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: July 23, 2018, 7:54 am
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Marie's behavior was so childish. Couples have disagreements,
but she should have never involved the two of you. Despite not
talking about it, her behavior did just that! If they could not
act as adults together, then one (or both) of them should have
bowed out. But I am reminded of the episode of "How I Met Your
Mother" where Lily and Marshal put a "time out" on their
argument. I realize that some arguments might be tricky to do
this, but it is not an awful plan to use when possible. They
could have agreed to table things until later.
Hindsight is always easier. I may have insisted if Marie would
not call Don that she share his number so that I could. And
while it was not wrong to leave at the agreed upon time, I may
have insisted that we wait a bit for Don. (If Marie did not like
that, she was welcome to leave.) I may have also left DD with
either George's cell phone number (if he had one) or maybe even
Marie's (although I am not sure that I would have trusted her).
In the very least, I would have left her with directions to
share with Don. "Come to the event and have me paged and I will
assist you with entering." And I suppose it should be noted that
while Marie's behavior was unacceptable, Don does not get a full
pass. He was late and there was no reason why you had to
follow-up and/or wait for him. (However, when a friend is late,
especially one that is typically timely, I do like to check-in
with them to ensure that everything is ok. I may not be able to
wait on them, but I would feel terrible if they had run into
some trouble and I was not available to help... assuming that
the situation was more on the life-threatening end.) And while I
have made this mistake, too, I think that this is a good
reminder of why we share contact details before outing kinds of
days. However, it may not have occurred to you being that Marie
should have acted as the point of contact for the couple.
I do not personally recall any situations quite like yours, but
I have certainly been in awkward positions where a couple was
obviously fighting and making everything uncomfortable for all
involved. I have typically tried to excuse myself from the
situation (because that is no fun) or I have just avoided them
both during the day. I suppose that there would be nothing wrong
with actually calling one or both parties out. "Marie, I
understand that you are upset with Don and I will not pry.
However, your anger is making things uncomfortable for George
and me."
#Post#: 9400--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 23, 2018, 2:20 pm
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I'd have insisted on waiting 15 minutes past the agreed-upon
leaving time, and I've had left a note for Don about where he
could catch up with me, if he were later than that.
I just would never leave right on time unless all the people *I*
expected were there. (exception: if one of those people had a
rep for being really late all the time)
I'd give them time to have a little bit of traffic, or to have
to go potty RIGHT before they left the house.
And I'd leave a note w/ some sort of backup plan.
#Post#: 9407--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Jem
Date: July 23, 2018, 2:50 pm
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Was the plan to meet at the OP's house at 9:00 and leave at
9:30? Assuming my understanding of the timeline is correct, Don
was not 10 minutes late....he was 40 minutes late. We don't know
what his texts were to Marie, but generally speaking I value my
time and the time of others and being late is disrespectful, in
my opinion. I would have left at the appointed time of 9:30
unless Don had communicated some valid reason why he would be
late. I may have asked Don to just meet us at the location so
everyone could be on time.
I do think Marie acted oddly, but I don't know the OP needs to
be involved or worry herself over any potential fallout.
Presumably Marie and Don are adults and will work out their
differences...or they won't. I would act blissfully unaware that
anything was amiss, unless I were close enough to either Marie
or Don to be a support person for them if they needed someone to
talk to.
If the OP wants to be in direct contact with Don then she should
get his contact information. I am confused how any plans got
made if the OP does not have or use a cell phone. Personally, I
think it is very helpful to be able to easily communicate with
other people and all of the current situation could have been
easily avoided with a quick text from the OP to Don (or vice
versa).
#Post#: 9410--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 23, 2018, 3:12 pm
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--- Quote ---
> I am confused how any plans got made if the OP does not have
or use a cell phone.
--- End Quote ---
In a face-to-face conversation? I'm confused how you're
confused.
The world made plenty of plans long before the days of cell
phones.
#Post#: 9413--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Bada
Date: July 23, 2018, 3:45 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote] I am confused how any plans got made if the OP does
not have or use a cell phone.
--- End Quote ---
In a face-to-face conversation? I'm confused how you're
confused.
The world made plenty of plans long before the days of cell
phones.
[/quote]
Actually, I was confused at how OP plans to ever make plans with
Don again, since she has to go through Marie and neither she nor
her other friend are big fans of Marie. Definitely it would be
good to have Don's number herself for the future...if she can
figure out a way to get it! :P
#Post#: 9415--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Kiwipinball
Date: July 23, 2018, 4:05 pm
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OP not having a cell phone certainly helps explain part of the
story. I probably would have asked Marie for Don's number and
tried to call from the landline. I'm not sure if I would have
left at 9:30 or not. As others mentioned, Don was already 30
minutes late, not just a little late. If it was something that
had a set start time, I almost certainly would leave. For an
open house, I'd feel more torn.
As for OP not having a cell phone and so many comments on that -
it's not rude to not have a cell phone. I'm sure OP is aware of
the benefits of having one (safety, convenience, etc) and has
still chosen not to have one. Presumably, for her, the negatives
outweigh the positives. While it's rare, she's hardly the only
adult without a cell phone. I won't give mine up (it's also
essential for my work) but there's nothing wrong with OP not
having one and I'm surprised at how many people seemed to
chastise her for that.
#Post#: 9416--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: July 23, 2018, 4:07 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote] I am confused how any plans got made if the OP does
not have or use a cell phone.
--- End Quote ---
In a face-to-face conversation? I'm confused how you're
confused.
The world made plenty of plans long before the days of cell
phones.
[/quote]
Or a land line (people do still use those!), or email.
I love cell phones, and I'd hate to give mine up, but they're
not the be-all and end-all of communication just because they've
become ubiquitous. It's not a choice between having a cell phone
and having to resort to carrier pigeons, smoke signals, and the
Pony Express!
The real issue here was a lack of contact info to get the OP and
Don in touch directly, not that the lack of a cell phone made
them fundamentally incapable of communication--the lack of a
cell phone didn't come into play until a bunch of other problems
had already derailed the evening, and still wouldn't have been
an issue if Don had contact info for anyone else involved who
does have a cell phone and wasn't being petty, e.g., George if
he carries a cell
#Post#: 9418--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: kckgirl
Date: July 23, 2018, 4:41 pm
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Don may have been trying to call and explain his tardiness (bad
traffic, extra bathroom visit, etc.) but couldn't reach anybody
because Marie turned off her phone. He probably doesn't have
your phone number, either. The next time you're in contact, I'd
exchange numbers so it can't happen again. It sounds like Marie
turned off the phone so he couldn't call.
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