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#Post#: 9283--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: guest725
Date: July 21, 2018, 7:31 pm
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One more person saying why didn't YOU call Don? Marie was
manipulative and you let her roll all over all of you.
#Post#: 9301--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: browzer11
Date: July 21, 2018, 11:37 pm
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Perhaps it's time to drop Marie from your list of "friends".
She's a manipulative piece of work.
#Post#: 9306--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: jpcher
Date: July 22, 2018, 1:25 am
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My apologies. I should have mentioned this in the OP (will
modify it for clarification) . . . I do not have Don's contact
info, George doesn't either. I doubt that Don has mine or
George's number.
I met Marie through a mutual friend of ours and George and I met
Don through group get-togethers. We've only been out as a
foursome twice before and arrangements for those outings were
made between me and Marie.
Why didn't DD#2 call me when Don showed up at my door? Because
I'm a dinosaur. I do not have a cell phone. ::)
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> It does not sound like you invited Marie and Marie invited
Don. It sounds like you extended the invitation to both of them.
So as the organizer, you should have followed up with Don. You
should have told Marie that you were not comfortable leaving
until you confirmed with Don. If you didn't have a way to
contact Don, you should have asked Marie for the phone number or
stated you weren't leaving until he arrived.
>
> Why did you let Marie take so much control of the outing?
>
--- End Quote ---
First bold -- it was at the last time the four of us went out to
dinner when this event was talked about. So, yes, the invitation
was extended to the both of them.
Second bold -- This is where I'm confused about all of your
responses. You all are agreeing that I should have contacted
Don. Meaning (to me) that I should have gotten in the middle of
the couple's dispute and sided with Don (who didn't show up)
instead of Marie (who did show up).
I get what you all are saying and a big part of me wanted to
insist, contact, wait for Don to show up (because he was the one
of the couple that was more excited about the event) but the
other part of me was "I'm not getting in the middle here!"
I am not disputing nor disagreeing with your posts. I'm finding
them interesting and would like to learn more of your thoughts
for just in case this situation arises again. I appreciate all
of your responses. ;D
P.S. Neither George nor I am a huge fan of Marie after this
event. We do like Don, but we'll do the wait-and-see thing
before we invite them to another event.
eta: another PS: We're all in our 50's
#Post#: 9308--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: guest24
Date: July 22, 2018, 3:40 am
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Somewhat related...
It's a really good idea to have a cell phone, if only for safety
reasons.
You don't have to have one with all the bells and whistles.
And you can turn it off and on when you want.
#Post#: 9309--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Mr Wigglybones
Date: July 22, 2018, 5:29 am
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No one thought to ask Marie for Don's number?
Sounds to me like Don's has a chronic issue with lateness and
Marie is fed up. She doesn't have to check up on him and make
sure he turns up to things on time, but she handled it poorly by
making it everyone elses problem.
You as the host could have waited an extra 10 minutes if you
liked, and you could have asked for the number after she refused
to call him.
You are also free to let someone know that their comments are
making you uncomfortable.
#Post#: 9312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: NyaChan
Date: July 22, 2018, 7:24 am
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You are assuming it was getting between the couple in an
argument. Marie was playing it off like nothing was wrong (by
not actually admitting there was an issue) so I would have
treated it like nothing was happening (regardless of what you
could deduce), asked to call Don and questioned the No if she
refused. As the host, you had standing to do that - oh but I
definitely meant to invite you both, especially since I know how
much interest he had in this. If he is just running late, I can
stay behind to wait if you are in a hurry. It’s your
house, you could have just planted yourself on a chair with
coffee and said, let’s give him 10 minutes.
That said, I don’t think it is odd under the circumstances
that you didn’t do any of what people here are saying. It
can feel really uncomfortable to show someone else’s
partner more consideration than they themselves are giving, like
overstepping almost.
#Post#: 9317--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: kckgirl
Date: July 22, 2018, 8:32 am
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I don't think it would have been getting in the middle of
anything to just ask for his phone number so you could contact
him.
#Post#: 9320--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: July 22, 2018, 9:10 am
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--- Quote from: jpcher link ---
>
> I get what you all are saying and a big part of me wanted to
insist, contact, wait for Don to show up (because he was the one
of the couple that was more excited about the event) but the
other part of me was "I'm not getting in the middle here!".
>
--- End Quote ---
You were the host, and one of your guests was missing.
Contacting your guest to find out if he's still coming or
waiting a short time to see if he's running late isn't getting
in the middle of his relationship with his GF, because it has
nothing to do with his GF--it has to do with his commitment to
you to come to your event when he said he would (especially
since you arranged it essentially for him). Generally, I would
say that pressing his GF to be the middleman and contact him on
your behalf is "getting in the middle" far more than making the
call yourself, although in this case, the fact that you didn't
have his number complicated things. I think the best thing to do
would have been to ask Marie for his number and call yourself,
but that's with the benefit of hindsight.
If his girlfriend (or another guest who would be reasonably
expected to know) told you "He's not coming," it would be
reasonable to accept that (although not necessarily unreasonable
for you to follow up yourself anyway). But Marie specifically
disclaimed any knowledge of his whereabouts or plans, so she
really should have no further role in deciding how you want to
follow up with Don. Given the rest of Marie's behavior, it
doesn't seem completely implausible that she would have withheld
the number out of spite, but a refusal would also basically
force Marie's intentions out in the open, so you could make your
decisions accordingly. Marie kept insisting that Don would show
up if he wanted to come, implicitly saying that she wasn't
trying to stop him from coming, just not babysitting him to make
sure he made it (which would be reasonable, in Don still had
some way to contact the group and in the absence of her rudeness
to you and George). Refusing to let the host call him because
the host is worried is taking a big step into sheer
obstructiveness.
ETA: Probably a good idea to get contact info for all of your
guests in the future rather than going through other guests. Or
if you do communicate with a couple through one person, try to
contact the one you most want at the event!
#Post#: 9330--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: guest725
Date: July 22, 2018, 2:12 pm
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Is there a particular reason you don't have a cell phone? I
don't think I know any adult who doesn't have a cell phone, even
my 90 y/o neighbor. She doesn't have a computer but she has a
cell phone. To me it's a safety thing. When I forget my phone at
home it makes me slightly on edge on the off chance I need help.
#Post#: 9339--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: July 22, 2018, 5:32 pm
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OP, based on your description of the interaction it doesn't
sound like Don and Marie are living together. Is they were an
intact unit, I wouldn't have let the below progress the way it
did.
Marie: I don't know, don't care, don't even ask.
Subject changed, had our coffee, then at about 9:20 I suggested
that Marie give Don a call.
Marie: "No! He knows the schedule."
Me: "But this is a thing he really wanted to do."
Marie: "If he wanted to do it, then he'll be here."
If they were an intact unit then it should have been.
Marie: I don't know, don't care, don't even ask.
Subject changed, had our coffee, and discussion of Don dropped.
You were the one implying that Don was a "solo" invited guest.
Which is why we all implied you should have been the one to
contact him.
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