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#Post#: 9255--------------------------------------------------
Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: jpcher
Date: July 21, 2018, 2:02 pm
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I scheduled an outing with a few friends, mostly due to Don's
enthusiasm about the event. He thought it would be "really
cool!" It was an open house at my workplace where they could
not attend if I was not with them.
We were to meet at my home at 9:00 and scheduled to leave at
9:30. My friend George and Don's GF (Marie) showed up on time. I
was surprised that Don and Marie didn't show up together.
Me (to Marie): Where's Don?
Marie: I don't know, don't care, don't even ask.
Subject changed, had our coffee, then at about 9:20 I suggested
that Marie give Don a call.
Marie: "No! He knows the schedule."
Me: "But this is a thing he really wanted to do."
Marie: "If he wanted to do it, then he'll be here."
9:30 comes around and Marie insisted that we leave at the
scheduled time. I again suggested that she call Don since the
scheduled leave time wasn't necessarily written in stone . . .
it's an open house we could show up at any time.
Plus, again, this was something that Don was really looking
forward to. I didn't want to press the issue because I didn't
want to get in the middle of whatever was going on between them
so we left my house at 9:30.
According to my DD#2 Don showed up, knocking on my door, at
9:40.
All through the event Marie was "sigh, this" or "okay, what's
next" . . . really not interested in what was going on at all. I
pictured Don saying "OH! This is so cool!" and having a lot of
fun. Marie's attitude put a damper on things and George kept
rolling his eyes behind her back, like "Why did she even come?"
When we got back to my house Marie took out her phone and said
"Oh. Ooops. My phone was turned off." She gave a little smirk
and said "There's 10 messages from Don. I'm sure he's sorry he
missed this event, but I had fun without him. Gotta run!"
I've known Don and Marie for only a year or so, not a tight
friendship but a good get-together fun type of friendship. They
always seem to get along well. It was an awkward situation
because I knew Don would really have enjoyed the event and Marie
was, obviously, not having a great time.
I'm at the point where I don't really want to contact Marie
again. George likes Don, as do I, but he's never been a fan of
Marie. I'm beginning to see his point.
Wondering how you would have handled this situation? Is there
something I could have done differently?
Do you have stories to share about when an event is planned and
a couple of friends are in an argument? How did you cope with
the situation?
eta: I do not have Don's contact info, George doesn't either. I
doubt that Don has mine or George's number.
Please see Post #12 for further clarifications.
#Post#: 9256--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: andi
Date: July 21, 2018, 2:05 pm
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In this situation I would have called Don myself Just to remind
him of the “leave” time and make sure he was still interested
in coming. If Don and Marie were having a “gift”, I would not
have relied on Marie to do any communication. If I was Don, I’d
be very hurt and disappointed that none of the other people in
the group tried to contact me
#Post#: 9257--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: July 21, 2018, 2:06 pm
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I wouldn't have wanted to get in the middle of anything, either.
However, did either you or George have contact info for Don? If
so, one of you could have called him.
#Post#: 9265--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Lilac
Date: July 21, 2018, 3:39 pm
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I would have called or texted Don "Shall we wait for you or will
you be meeting us there?"
Why did he not just drive to the venue after stopping by your
house?
What age range are these people in? I find it beyond rude to
blurt out things like "don't ask, don't care" and embroil
innocent bystanders in spats. Very crass and inconsderate.
They should've worked out between them how to handle the event
and whoever showed up should've been pleasant, enthusiastic and
mum about the argument.
I attend a well-known day-long annual event and for many, many
years would meet up for half an hour or so in the course of the
day with a couple and their entourage. We didn't socialize the
rest of the year but our ties went back to young adulthood and
it was a fun addition to the day. Most of my contact to arrange
the meetup was via the husband, as he was my friend from back in
the day, but I always got a kick out of seeing her. They split
in their late 40s and to my horror I received a very odd call
from her asking if she could attend the event with me. (She
knew I often had extra tickets.) I did not want to be in the
middle or lose his friendship so fortunately had the excuse that
all my tickets were taken and that we were combining the event
with a further getaway weekend.
It still was awkward as she told him "I'm going with Lilac" --
arghh -- and took a while to clear that up. A year or so later
he remarried and his wife doesn't like the event so they only go
for a brief portion of the day and he's drifted away from our
annual meetup. Kind of sad.
#Post#: 9269--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: wolfie
Date: July 21, 2018, 4:01 pm
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Why couldn't you contact Don and why didn't he contact you?
#Post#: 9272--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: July 21, 2018, 4:23 pm
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I agree with the others that I don't understand why all the
communication needed to go through Marie.
Since she's his GF, it makes sense to ask her initially if she
knew where he was/what his plans were, but it sounds like she
made it pretty clear right away that she wasn't interested in
checking up on him to make sure he got there in time. It seems
like the logical next step would be for you or George to contact
Don directly instead of asking Marie to do it. Also, without
further context (e.g., that you didn't bring a cell phone), it
also seems slightly odd that neither Don nor your DD2 called you
to let you know he'd arrived late, either so Don could try to
meet you at the venue or just for him to apologize and make sure
y'all weren't worrying that something had happened to him. It
sounds like he repeatedly called and/or messaged Marie, but
never attempted to call you as the organizer? Maybe there's some
larger context we're missing here, because it sounds like
everyone involved bought into the idea that all communication
between y'all and Don had to go through Marie, which seems
really weird to me, especially since it sounds like you consider
Don to be the one you're better friends with.
BTW, it certainly sounds like Marie was being a pill and pretty
rude to everyone else involved, but in general I also don't
think she has any obligation to either check up on Don to make
sure he showed up or to be the go-between in terms of
communication. Don is (presumably) an adult. If he knew the
schedule, his lateness and failure to notify you was on him. If
you guys were worried about him or wanted to make sure he made
it, then you could have contacted him, too. (If for some reason,
you didn't have his number and asked Marie for it, I would
expect her to facilitate that: either provide the number, make
the call herself, or let one of you call from her phone.)
#Post#: 9273--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: oogyda
Date: July 21, 2018, 4:23 pm
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I know this is repetitive, but you should have contacted Don
yourself. After all...you were the organizer of the event.
I'm also curious why DD or Don didnt call you when he showed up
at the door.
#Post#: 9275--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: lakey
Date: July 21, 2018, 5:17 pm
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Like everyone else, I would have phoned Don myself. As far as
Marie, I frankly wouldn't want much to do with her after this.
Whatever her problem with Don was, she shouldn't have inflicted
it on an event you had planned.
Her smirky announcement that her phone was off and Don had been
trying to call was witchy (substitute a "b" for the "w". Once
she made that final statement, I would have kept quiet because I
tend to be sarcastic and if I spoke up it would have been to
tell her to grow up. I would seriously limit contact with her,
unless she apologized and assured me it wouldn't happen again.
#Post#: 9277--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Bada
Date: July 21, 2018, 6:05 pm
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It sounds like Marie only went so she could rub Don's nose in it
later. I'd be holding a person like that at arm's length.
#Post#: 9280--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friends in an argument when an event is planned
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: July 21, 2018, 7:18 pm
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It does not sound like you invited Marie and Marie invited Don.
It sounds like you extended the invitation to both of them. So
as the organizer, you should have followed up with Don. You
should have told Marie that you were not comfortable leaving
until you confirmed with Don. If you didn't have a way to
contact Don, you should have asked Marie for the phone number or
stated you weren't leaving until he arrived.
Why did you let Marie take so much control of the outing?
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