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#Post#: 8519--------------------------------------------------
Dealing with the tattle tale
By: Hmmm Date: July 13, 2018, 8:16 am
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I have an adorable niece and nephew by marriage. The nephew is a
year older (9) but the niece is definitely the more outgoing of
the 2. (Both of my children were reserved, so we do make an
effort to keep nephew engaged and not let niece overshadow.)
Niece is a little bit of a handful and is the more difficult of
the 2 to parent.
A few weekends ago, the family came over. We have a pool but I
hadn't mentioned swimming in the invite for dinner but it's
usually a given that the kids can swim in good weather or if we
haven't recently shocked the pool. I think there's been one time
that none of the adults wanted to swim so we didn't let the kids
in.
I was outside when the family arrived and the 2 kids came out to
great me. After hugs and hellos, niece said "I'm not supposed to
ask you, but I know you'll be ok with me asking you. Is it ok if
we go swimming?" I said of course, they were welcome to swim
before dinner. The kids don't whine and I knew that if I had
said no, it would have been a shrug of the shoulders.
Nephew overhears our exchange and says he is going to tell their
Dad. I said there was no reason to as no harm had been done. But
as soon as Dad came out, nephew spilled the beans and Dad got
onto niece for asking and started to tell her that she couldn't
swim. But I caught his eye, shook my head and interjected with
"I was going to invite them to swim anyway, she just got to the
conversation first. Why don't you guys go get some towels."
But now I'm second guessing getting into the middle of it. Dad
wasn't upset with me in the least and looked glad that he hadn't
had to punish niece and disrupt the gathering.
But would you have stayed out of it?
#Post#: 8522--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: Luci Date: July 13, 2018, 8:28 am
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Stay out of it. Let the parents do the parenting. Seeing
authority figures disagree, even at this age, confuses the
child, for one thing. And you surely don’t want other people
contradicting you with your own children, if you have any. The
dad's method isn't harmful to the children, so not your place
here.
#Post#: 8532--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: Bada Date: July 13, 2018, 9:18 am
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I'd have wanted to know why she wasn't supposed to ask. I feel
like there was probably a story there. The dad may have had a
legitimate reason (health, or needing to be clean or not worn
out for going someplace later). I can imagine myself just not
wanting to deal with my kid getting wet and full of chlorine and
having to take a bath that day. The safest response would
definitely have been to check with the parent first.
Also, I totally would have been the tattletale when I was
growing up. I was always a stickler for the rules. I'm not sure
if that colors my view of the situation, lol.
#Post#: 8536--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: Jem Date: July 13, 2018, 10:06 am
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I would have stayed out of it. The father and actual parent was
right there - no reason to contradict him. If it were me, and
you had contradicted me in front of my children, I would have
remained steadfast in my own parenting decisions but dialed back
my relationship with you until we had an understanding of why
your actions upset me. It’s not a huge deal in THIS instance,
but what about when the kids get older and think they can come
to you to overrule what their own parents have said?
#Post#: 8547--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: NFPwife Date: July 13, 2018, 10:59 am
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I think there are three issues -
One, niece asked when she shouldn't have. At that point, I would
have asked her parents if she could swim. I'm guessing you
assumed they didn't want her to pester you to swim or they
wanted her to learn some impulse control or a lesson about
letting others offer and not asking, but there might have been
another reason and it's good to check. If only to show that all
the adults are on the same page and going around her parents to
you won't work.
Second, the tattle tale - I think his parents need to deal with
him. This year my CCD kids had a big discussion with us about
the difference between "tattling" and "telling." They were
frustrated that they're told, at school and by parents, to
involve an adult and then when they do they often get accused of
tattling. We talked about them reporting anything that is
dangerous or a safety concern and then went through examples for
them to practice. We also gave them a format, basically, "I'm
telling you this because I think Sally could get hurt, not
because I'm trying to get her in trouble." Nephew just wanted to
get niece in trouble. And it worked for him!
Finally, the swimming. I think that's a blend between it being
your house and the parental decision with the final veto power
falling to the parents if you're allowing the kiddos to swim.
So, to the dad, "I'm fine with them swimming if it's okay with
you. Your call."
#Post#: 8552--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: Hmmm Date: July 13, 2018, 11:13 am
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=525.msg8532#msg8532
date=1531491492]
I'd have wanted to know why she wasn't supposed to ask. I feel
like there was probably a story there. The dad may have had a
legitimate reason (health, or needing to be clean or not worn
out for going someplace later). I can imagine myself just not
wanting to deal with my kid getting wet and full of chlorine and
having to take a bath that day. The safest response would
definitely have been to check with the parent first.
Also, I totally would have been the tattletale when I was
growing up. I was always a stickler for the rules. I'm not sure
if that colors my view of the situation, lol.
[/quote]
I knew the only reason they weren't supposed to ask is an
etiquette one. They don't ask to use something that is not
theirs, you wait until offered.
And I could see her bathing suit on under her top, so I knew the
parents were ok with swimming. They had all their swim items in
the car. Just weren't bringing them in until we offered to allow
the kids to swim.
This would have been similar to a child seeing a plate of their
favorite cookies upon arrival and saying "Grandma, can I have a
cookie" and mom responding with "Grandma didn't offer a cookie
so since you asked for one first, now you may not have any
cookies." The difference was the mom may not have told the child
to not ask for cookies till offered.
I know my BIL wasn't upset by me interjecting. I was more
concerned about the impact to my nephew and concerned he would
see it as siding with his sister who had done the wrong thing.
It's interesting that the responses were all centered around Dad
and not anything to do with the nephew.
I struggle with dealing with tattle tales, especially when the
tattler is going to benefit from the wrong doing. Brother was
just as excited and ready to get into the pool as sister. But he
was following the rule.
Funnily enough, I think it's because of my childhood. My sister
was older and was the one likely to buck the rules for both of
our benefits. And if I got made at her for something else I'd
tattle on her. For instance, if mom said we could only have 2
cookies and sister snuck us each a 3rd, I'd happily accept the
3rd. But if I later got made at her for something, I'd tattle to
mom that sister went and got us an extra cookie. I know is that
as a bad character flaw on my part (or just part of being the
baby of the family, who knows) though I did grow out of it by
age 7 or so.
#Post#: 8566--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: July 13, 2018, 12:38 pm
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I would say, with something like that, let the parent do the
parenting. While you were already planning on asking, they may
be trying to teach niece how to be polite and patient. She had
said to you, that she knew she shouldn't have been asking, but
she did any how.
#Post#: 8572--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: Jem Date: July 13, 2018, 1:18 pm
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OP: “I struggle with dealing with tattle tales, especially when
the tattler is going to benefit from the wrong doing. Brother
was just as excited and ready to get into the pool as sister.
But he was following the rule.”
I think here it wasn’t for the OP to deal with. That’s why my
response was about the OP and the kids’ dad rather than on the
nephew and whether he was right or wrong to “tattle.” Possibly
if the OP were left in charge of the kids with no parents around
she might have need to “deal with” a tattle tale, but under
these facts I just don’t think it was her place. Even if every
single one of us disagreed with the dad’s parenting, it is still
his right to parent HIS kids. Not the OP’s.
#Post#: 8601--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: LurkingGurl Date: July 13, 2018, 3:44 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=525.msg8552#msg8552
date=1531498397]
I knew the only reason they weren't supposed to ask is an
etiquette one. They don't ask to use something that is not
theirs, you wait until offered.
And I could see her bathing suit on under her top, so I knew the
parents were ok with swimming. They had all their swim items in
the car. Just weren't bringing them in until we offered to allow
the kids to swim.
[/quote]
I think the parents have made a bad choice in their choice of
situation to teach their children this particular lesson. For
one thing, if you are not supposed to presuppose an invitation
to swim, then don't dress your kids in their suits and bring
your swimming stuff!
It's bound to be confusing to a child.
The OP has set a precedent about swimming being part of visiting
her barring some unforeseen issue with the pool. Why create an
awkward situation where we pretend that this isn't so?
And dad wants to punish niece by not letting her swim? Sheesh!
I wonder how he would like someone doing that to him!
They should reinforce these lessons in situations where there is
no precedent. And not show up wearing bathing suits under the
clothes.
As far as getting involved? I don't think you did anything
wrong. I think Dad was overreacting.
As far as the tattletale is concerned-if adults do not deliver
the payoff, the tattletale will cease trying.
#Post#: 8654--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the tattle tale
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: July 14, 2018, 8:49 am
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[quote author=Mary Sunshine Rain link=topic=525.msg8601#msg8601
date=1531514695]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=525.msg8552#msg8552
date=1531498397]
I knew the only reason they weren't supposed to ask is an
etiquette one. They don't ask to use something that is not
theirs, you wait until offered.
And I could see her bathing suit on under her top, so I knew the
parents were ok with swimming. They had all their swim items in
the car. Just weren't bringing them in until we offered to allow
the kids to swim.
[/quote]
I think the parents have made a bad choice in their choice of
situation to teach their children this particular lesson. For
one thing, if you are not supposed to presuppose an invitation
to swim, then don't dress your kids in their suits and bring
your swimming stuff!
It's bound to be confusing to a child.
The OP has set a precedent about swimming being part of visiting
her barring some unforeseen issue with the pool. Why create an
awkward situation where we pretend that this isn't so?
And dad wants to punish niece by not letting her swim? Sheesh!
I wonder how he would like someone doing that to him!
They should reinforce these lessons in situations where there is
no precedent. And not show up wearing bathing suits under the
clothes.
As far as getting involved? I don't think you did anything
wrong. I think Dad was overreacting.
As far as the tattletale is concerned-if adults do not deliver
the payoff, the tattletale will cease trying.
[/quote]
My parents had a pool, and when we went over, we all had swim
suits with us. The expectation was there, but we never changed
into them until we were invited in. Us kids knew that, and we
taught our children the same thing.
If we were told we had to wait, we waited, and my youngest, 3
y/o, at the time, found that out the hard way. We were getting
finished with dinner, and he wanted to go in. I told him he had
to wait, as we weren't ready to be outside watching or joining
them yet. He didn't think mom would punish him for jumping in.
He found himself sitting out of the pool while every one else
was swimming. My mom, who had the strictest rules on pool
safety, thought I was being too hard on him.
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