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#Post#: 8582--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: TootsNYC Date: July 13, 2018, 2:08 pm
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Our OP has a 4-year-old; she doesn't say that her fiance is that
child's father (in fact, she uses the phrase "my first child,"
not "our first...." So her wedding may well be about getting
married before they start their own family. She doesn't even say
whether they live together or not, actually.)
As for where Grandma's reaction is coming from: In the olden
days, family members might say "it's about time," but you also
wouldn't have made a big fuss--or you'd have hidden the
pregnancy.
Weddings were often planned more rapidly, even when there
wasn't a pregnancy. So if it was early, you could just ignore
the pregnancy. And even if people thought you were getting
married so very rapidly, and they speculated, everyone just
officially acted as though there was no pregnancy. As long as it
wasn't mentioned, it was all fine. But if people knew you were
pregnant, that was incontrovertible evidence that you'd
committed fornication, and it was a scandal.
So if there was no hiding the pregnancy, you'd get married
quietly, with closest family and friends and no big party.
Because society would not appear to condone fornication by
attending. (close family was exempt)
And then once everything had been "made honest," THEN society
would "accept" you.
I'm just as pleased to be done with that.
#Post#: 8586--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: iolaus Date: July 13, 2018, 2:32 pm
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The vast majority of people I was in school with (and I include
myself in this) all were living with their partner before they
had their first child, and got married before the birth of the
second
I can't think of any of my friends who married without living
together first
My grandmother did start addressing cards to me in my married
name as soon as my eldest was born (which was 11 months before
we actually got married), it didn't bother me
#Post#: 8597--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: BunnyAndBandit Date: July 13, 2018, 3:12 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=519.msg8506#msg8506
date=1531464796]
I have a crumbling copy of the original version of Miss Manners'
Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, first published 1979,
which contains this item of Q&A (and a quick check with Google
Books confirms that the current revised version still includes
it):
[quote]DEAR MISS MANNERS:
My niece is getting married next month in a long white dress
after living with the man three years and having two children.
Do you think this is proper? One little girl will be flower
girl. Having a reception afterwards too.
GENTLE READER:
This event comes under a particular category of "Proper" known
as "High time". in this area, there is no time for quibbling
over dresses or other accessories. Go and wish the couple joy.
You cannot accuse them of rushing into matrimony without due
consideration. [/quote]
Which seems to pretty much cover your situation. Where has your
grandmother lived for the last 39 years, that the notion of
people who live together deciding to get married is such a
shock? Anyway, it's my understanding that Judith Martin's
pronouncements on American manners have pretty much Biblical
authority, so that might just possibly be useful.
[/quote]
Under a rock somewhere, I guess. I guess a lot of my discomfort
here just comes from the fact that I know so many people who
don't believe in marriage, never get around to it, don't care
for it, what have you. I just didn't figure most people today
cared that much about people getting married pregnant, with
children, after children, or not ever at all.
I should have expected it from her. My mistake there.
#Post#: 8598--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: BunnyAndBandit Date: July 13, 2018, 3:15 pm
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[quote author=iolaus link=topic=519.msg8586#msg8586
date=1531510348]
The vast majority of people I was in school with (and I include
myself in this) all were living with their partner before they
had their first child, and got married before the birth of the
second
I can't think of any of my friends who married without living
together first
My grandmother did start addressing cards to me in my married
name as soon as my eldest was born (which was 11 months before
we actually got married), it didn't bother me
[/quote]
Right? The vast majority of people my age getting married have
lived together for several years before getting married. Some of
them couldn't afford the weddings they wanted, didn't want to
get married yet, or just--never really got around to it until
they did?
#Post#: 8641--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: July 14, 2018, 3:51 am
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Sorry your grandma is being so difficult.
I'd be inclined to call her up, and say "Grandma, what the
heck's going on? You chew me out about having a big wedding and
tell me I'm a disgrace. I had assumed from that conversation
that you weren't interested in attending. Then I hear from my
mum that you're definitely coming to the wedding. What gives?"
Then listen to what she says. If she mumbles something about
"You're still my granddaughter, even though you're a complete
disgrace," I'd tell her firmly that I do NOT want guests
attending my wedding who don't approve of the situation and
clearly think so little of myself and my finance. I'd then tell
her that it would be more comfortable for both of us if she
didn't attend.
#Post#: 8843--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 16, 2018, 2:38 pm
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Half of me would want to 'get it over with' and call her on the
telephone, and the other (confrontation averse) half would want
to send the email and put my phone on silent for a while.
I hope you get a result you are happy with, BunnyandBandit.
Your grandma deserves a result she isn't delighted with, unless
she apologises properly; I hope she can be grown up enough to do
that.
#Post#: 11127--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: GfMama Date: August 9, 2018, 11:35 am
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I don’t think that because you all talked wedding/it was assumed
she’d be invited ect that cpu ya as an invite. I’m sure you
didn’t actually say “Gma, you’re invited to my wedding” as
that’s awkward and in the planning stages, most close family
would assume they’re invited. Why would you tell someone
specifically that they’re invited when it’s assumed they’ll be
invited? So if it’s more like y’all were talking about the
wedding ect you don’t need to invite her. Even if you did
verbally extend an invite, you’ve changed your mind because of
circumstances and that’s allowed. People know wedding invites
are mailed out and if you don’t get one, you’re not to come. Is
gma particularly toxic, or was this a one off for her?
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