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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 8318--------------------------------------------------
When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: BunnyAndBandit Date: July 10, 2018, 7:08 pm
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This is kind of sticky for me.
I'm expecting, and I had already planned and put down a deposit
for my wedding venue before I found out I was pregnant. My
fiance and I decided that we didn't care and we'll proceed with
me being pregnant.
My Grandmother had a cow. She called and told me I had no
business having a wedding, that a wedding is about being a
virgin and wearing a white dress (sidenote: I have a four year
old already. I think a few members of the audience know I'm not
a virgin), and that I should be ashamed of myself. She wanted me
to go to the court house and not tell anyone.
I said that if anyone had a problem with the wedding, they
didn't have to go. I'm okay with that. I'm not doing this for
anyone else, I'm doing this because it's what we want to do. I
understand I'm from a different generation and think
differently, it's just not something that bothers me. I don't
care if anyone gets married or doesn't, I don't care if people
are pregnant, I don't care if this is their third marriage. You
do what you want to do, especially when you're paying for
yourself, like we are.
My Grandmother then called me an embarrassment, and that I'm an
embarrassment to my fiance, and said she'd be speaking to my
mother about it. Um. I'm fully an adult. I'm 28. I pay bills,
I've voted, I pay taxes and everything! What is my Mom going to
do?
Anyway, she told my Mom a lie about "Oh I said she'd be
uncomfortable being heavily pregnant getting married!" My Mom
just said she didn't want to be involved and changed the
subject. The wedding draws closer, and my Grandmother keeps
hounding Mom about the date and time, and what should she wear,
and what will there be to eat, and on and on.
She's not invited to the wedding. She told me I'm an
embarrassment. She told me not to even have the wedding. Why
would I want her to come? Why would she want to come?
Mom says she's invited because before the debacle, I had told
her she was invited. But she never have a paper invite in her
hand. To me, that means she was never really invited. You need
the actual invitation. Mom also says I should call and tell her
explicitly that she's not invited. To me, that's super rude. Not
only that, she'll know she's not invited when the wedding passes
and she--didn't get an invitation.
Thoughts? Was she invited? Do I need to tell her she's
uninvited?
#Post#: 8319--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Hello Ducky Date: July 10, 2018, 7:27 pm
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A verbal invitation is still an invitation. That said, if I
were in your shoes I'd give her a call (or better yet, see her
in person) to have a chat about it. She either offers a sincere
apology or she can save herself the "embarrassment" of being at
your wedding and stay home that day.
#Post#: 8321--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Pattycake Date: July 10, 2018, 9:23 pm
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I agree with Ducky. If you extended a verbal invitation, you did
invite her. And I agree that you need to have a difficult
conversation with her. If you don't think she's going to
apologize, you could just tell her that as she has expressed her
feelings about it, you don't want to cause her further
embarrassment which is why you haven't sent her an invitation.
(I would ask her why on earth, since you are an embarrassment,
does she even want to come to the wedding?!)
#Post#: 8322--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: NFPwife Date: July 10, 2018, 9:26 pm
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I agree with Ducky, based on the verbal invitation, she's right
to consider herself invited. If you could reverse time, I think
a verbal dis-invite when she went on her verbal tirade would
have been appropriate. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Gram, I'll
save you further embarrassment and let you know you needn't
attend," followed by you ending the call.
Because that didn't happen your mom is also in the middle and,
while your Gram put her there, I think it's kind to get her out
as soon as possible. If Gram brings it up to mom, have mom
direct her to you. Then, if you could write a letter (or call)
and say, "Gram, based on our last conversation, I decided to
move forward with wedding without inviting you. You were harsh
and hurtful with your personal attacks and you needn't attend."
If Gram apologizes you can decide if you want to change your
mind and invite her. If I were in your shoes, there's not much
she could say to change my position. I'm sorry she was so mean.
Cheers to a lovely wedding day!!
#Post#: 8323--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Bada Date: July 10, 2018, 10:50 pm
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It doesn't really matter if you technically invited her or not.
She's acting as if she's invited, which means she's going to try
to show up. You need to do something to stop her.
I hate these types of confrontations and I like to have time to
revise, so if it was me, I'd write her a letter.
#Post#: 8326--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Pattycake Date: July 10, 2018, 11:06 pm
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Yes, what Bada said too! I had meant to say, but forgot, that I
would bet she would show up anyway, so you will have to decide
if you want her there, and if you can trust her to behave (ie.
not go on about what she really thinks.)
#Post#: 8332--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Aleko Date: July 11, 2018, 4:36 am
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[quote]It doesn't really matter if you technically invited her
or not. She's acting as if she's invited, which means she's
going to try to show up. You need to do something to stop her.
[/quote]
Seconded. She may consider that you verbally invited her, or
even more likely just assumes that the grandmother of the bride
is automatically on the guest list, which in the ordinary way of
course would be true. There's no mileage in nitpicking this
aspect: the point is that she considers herself entitled to show
up, and means to - and there's no chance that she can't find out
from someone in the family where and when it's to be. And in the
meantime, your mom is in the firing line and it's not fair to
leave her having to deal with it. For both these reasons you
have to confront your grandmother directly.
Personally, I wouldn't go down the 'your remarks were
hurtful/insulting' line at all; that's not useful. I'd simply
say (or, perhaps better, write as Bada suggests) something like:
"Grandmother, when I told you about my wedding plans you said
that my having a wedding was wrong, and an embarrassment to the
family. I accept that those are your views, which you're fully
entitled to hold, [b]and I told you at the time that I would not
expect or wish anyone to come to my wedding who felt that way
about it. Respecting your views as I do, I haven't sent you an
invitation.
I gather from Mom that now you're apparently looking forward to
attending. Does this mean that you have changed your mind about
the wrongness of my celebrating my marriage, and that now you
are prepared to participate joyfully with us in the celebration?
If so, nothing would make me happier than to send you an
invitation - just tell me that's so, and I'll put it in in the
post today. But if you still disapprove of this wedding: as I
say, I will always respect your views and you, but of course you
should not attend."[/b]
I absolutely wouldn't send an invitation without first wringing
out of her an admission that she has withdrawn from her earlier
stance and is prepared to come and celebrate with you. That
might not stop her looking a bit sour and muttering darkly at
the reception, but at least you'd have that to hold over her,
especially if you can get it in writing!
#Post#: 8343--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Hmmm Date: July 11, 2018, 9:11 am
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I agree that it is not appropriate to get your mother in the
middle of this. Just like she wouldn't have the power to modify
your wedding plans, she doesn't have the power to modify her
mother's opinions or plans.
I think this is were you demonstrate you can wear your big boy
pants and give your grandmother a call. Just start with
"Grandmother, there seems to be a misunderstanding. After your
response to me concerning my wedding and pregnancy, I thought it
was agreed that you would not be attending. We do not want to
put people in a position to pretend to be celebrating our
marriage while they are secretly offended in the manner in which
we are wedding. And honestly, I'd rather not be reminded on that
day that you think of me as an embarrassment to the family. I'd
rather see if we can get on relationship on a better footing
after the wedding and the baby is born. I'm sure you
understand."
#Post#: 8347--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: Model Date: July 11, 2018, 9:46 am
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I think you are being a bit passive-aggressive about this. I
don't blame you a single bit, mind you - your grandmother
behaved horribly to you. However, I do think the best thing to
do would be to just call her. Others have given good
suggestions on what to say. If you don't put this to rest one
way or the other its just going to be hanging your head and
casting a shadow on what should be a glorious time for you!
#Post#: 8360--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Can You Consider Yourself Invited?
By: wolfie Date: July 11, 2018, 11:39 am
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An embarrassment to your fiancee? wow. Yeah. she wouldn't be
invited to my wedding and I don't know if I would ever talk to
her again.
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