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#Post#: 8938--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: camlan
Date: July 17, 2018, 3:34 pm
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When my oldest brother got divorced (his ex-wife threw him out),
he got nothing. He made the choice to fight for shared custody
of the kids and generous visitation. So ex-SIL got the house and
all its contents and both cars and alimony and child support.
She did not get the sole custody that she had expected.
My brother moved in with our other brother for a few months,
until he found a studio apartment. He furnished that with
hand-me-downs from the rest of us.
But I did want to point out that some people come away from
divorce with little more than their clothes. Sometimes because
they are fleeing an abusive spouse, and sometimes because that
is the best choice that they can make. And starting from
scratch can be expensive, even if you are shopping at thrift
stores. Depending on your area, thrift stores can charge more
than you might think. And if you have no car, you are limited
to what you can carry on the bus at each shopping trip. It can
take time to fully furnish a new place.
When my brother moved in, I took him food shopping. Just setting
up his kitchen with basic food supplies cost close to $200. We
all chipped in together at Christmas to get him a TV set. His
kids found out that he didn't have any pillows and got him some
for his birthday.
I think there was also an element of depression in his behavior.
He hadn't wanted the divorce and was fighting for his marriage.
He wasn't in a good space to go shopping and setting up a new
home for well over a year after the divorce was final. And with
the custody battle and the alimony/child support battle, the
divorce itself dragged on for nearly a year.
So while I do think the writer of the article was a bit
entitled, she has a point. Other major life transitions get
gifts. Divorce is a major life transition. While gifts are never
an obligation, it can be a kind gesture to reach out to a close
friend or family member going through a divorce to see if they
need anything. It could be an extra lamp, or dishes, or
whatever. Certainly, casual acquaintances shouldn't be expected
to give things. But if we already have a tradition of gifting at
major changes in a person's life, why are we drawing the line at
divorce?
#Post#: 8946--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: July 17, 2018, 4:55 pm
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I don't think anybody said we wouldn't help a person in need.
We've probably all reached out to help others, and we've all
asked for help.
We've all given gifts for life changes such as housewarming,
retirement, graduation, new career. But the difference is
there's no gift registries for those things or we call them
gimme pigs.
We've all also helped out others through funerals and other
tragedies. No registries for those either. Maybe a GoFundMe
page.
The bottom line is that we should help people in need or even
just to make them feel better, but the word "registry" is just
too associated with weddings and babies; lighthearted; a
celebration.
#Post#: 8947--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 17, 2018, 5:07 pm
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I think it's because gifts are for celebrations.
I will say that I think people who are going through a divorce
can ask for help, though not necessarily for things people would
have to spend money on--more a "do you have extras."
I don't know why that is, particularly.
And I know I would help a family member who needed help in that
kind of instance--in fact, I am doing it for my niece, who ended
up without any of her stuff after she left her husband.
#Post#: 8954--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: lakey
Date: July 17, 2018, 6:28 pm
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I had a brother who went through a divorce where his ex wife,
because she had primary custody of the kids, got the house and
the contents. I also had a nephew and his girlfriend whose
apartment house burned down late at night. They got out, but
were left with nothing but the clothes on their back. In cases
like this family helps out without there being a gift registry.
You can always ask them what they need or give them store gift
cards or gifts of cash, which make it pretty convenient for them
to get what they need, and bargain hunt.
By the way, regarding fires, if you rent and don't have renters'
insurance, consider it. It's one of the least expensive kinds of
insurance. My nephew didn't have it, and he lost everything,
furniture, gaming equipment, all kitchen stuff, linens,
electronics, tv's, clothes, including rather expensive sports
team stuff.
#Post#: 8961--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 17, 2018, 8:52 pm
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--- Quote from: lakey link ---
>
>
> By the way, regarding fires, if you rent and don't have
renters' insurance, consider it. It's one of the least expensive
kinds of insurance. My nephew didn't have it, and he lost
everything, furniture, gaming equipment, all kitchen stuff,
linens, electronics, tv's, clothes, including rather expensive
sports team stuff.
>
--- End Quote ---
Goodness, yes!
It's like $12 to $15 a month, and it can cover everything you
own, PLUS the expenses of staying in a hotel if something goes
wrong. It can probably be written to cover liability as well.
From Progressive:
--- Quote ---
> For 2017, the average cost of an ASI Renters insurance policy
from Progressive ranges from $13-$25 per month. Renters
insurance is fairly inexpensive. Plus, you can get extra
discounts when you bundle it with your auto insurance.
--- End Quote ---
(Smart landlords require you to have it.)
#Post#: 8973--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Aleko
Date: July 18, 2018, 5:49 am
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--- Quote ---
> We've all given gifts for life changes such as housewarming,
retirement, graduation, new career. But the difference is
there's no gift registries for those things or we call them
gimme pigs.
--- End Quote ---
Well, it used to be that people who announced the existence of
their gift registry along with the wedding invitation were
considered gimme pigs, too; the done thing was for guests to
enquire discreetly from the bride's mother if there was a
registry, and if so where? OK, it was inconvenient - but it did
maintain the excellent principle that One Does Not Ever Ask For
Presents. But somewhere in the last two decades or so the
feeling grew that 'Oh, shove it, it makes life so much simpler
for everyone to tell them in clear what we want'. And so it
does: but it has also destroyed that principle.
#Post#: 9019--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Lilac
Date: July 18, 2018, 6:13 pm
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--- Quote from: Celestia link ---
>
> [quote author=Rose Red link=topic=515.msg8676#msg8676
date=1531584881]
> Well, during bad times people do give food, money, and stuff.
They're just not called gifts and they sure shouldn't be on a
registry. That's just tacky.
>
--- End Quote ---
Genuine question...why? A registry is a way to help the givers
avoid giving 12 of the same item when different things are
needed. If a family were recovering from (say) a fire and needed
to restock their kitchen items, I'd think that'd be a perfect
situation to use a registry to make sure they don't end up with
8 toasters and a whisk. Assuming it's a situation where giving
gifts is acceptable, why would a registry be tacky?
[/quote]
I would say that if one is close enough to the bereaved /
divorcee /victim of fire etc. to be helping them refurnish a
home, one would be close enough to know what they need. Or ask
what they need.
Operative word being "need." I think most people are happy to
help with basics like blankets and sheets, basic dinnerware and
flatware. Beyond that, it really is tacky to expect those
outside of immediate friends/family to be providing "wants" or
"nice to have" items like whisks and toasters. Presumably that
is what homeowners and renters insurance is for. Or, as others
have pointed out, there are plenty of channels for obtaining
used goods, but they generally don't offer registries.
#Post#: 9028--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: ladameestmorte
Date: July 18, 2018, 8:07 pm
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There are a couple of Facebook groups in my hometown where
people sell (usually very cheaply) or give away furniture and
household goods. I've noticed that it is a great resource for
young people just starting out and people going through a big
change in their lives. Like, the old stuff finds a good home
and the people who need help receive it. :)
#Post#: 9056--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Twik
Date: July 19, 2018, 11:20 am
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I think it's great for family and friends to chip in for *any*
emergency. What does strike me in this article is a sense that
there should be formal showers for every sort of crisis, as
opposed to people just giving what's needed (and what they can).
This would actually be probably worse - what shower furnishes an
entire home? Whereas if a loved one is desperate, I'll do
everything I can to get them all the necessities.
#Post#: 9211--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: July 21, 2018, 12:02 am
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--- Quote from: kglory link ---
>
> [quote author=Sara Crewe link=topic=515.msg8735#msg8735
date=1531666930]
> [quote author=kglory link=topic=515.msg8712#msg8712
date=1531620763]
>
> Then I realize no, she wants the house AND the apartment, and
her husband presumably too - "In addition to maintaining our
family home, which my husband and I will be swapping in and out
of, I’m trying to furnish a small, one-bedroom basement
apartment." .
>
> So a family that once occupied one residence will now occupy 3
residences. Of course 3 times as much furniture will be needed.
But that is their CHOICE.
>
> If they couldn't afford it, financially, they would sell the
house. The fact that they are trying this arrangement means
they think they have enough money to afford 3 residences instead
of 1 - and hey, if this is how they choose to spend their money,
let them do it. But the financial cost to this choice is theirs
to bear.
>
--- End Quote ---
I read it as them also sharing the same apartment in rotation so
that would only be two residences.
[/quote]
Ah, you're right! I had initially read it as the kids would stay
in the house and the parents would swap in and out from their
respective apartments, so the kids could have stability.
But you're right, it says she & the husband will be trading off
from house to apartment on opposite cycles. Wow, totally
separate from the question of this thread, but that is crazy -
will she ever have any privacy or separation from her husband,
or he from her? They won't see each other, but they'll live in
each other's spaces, all the time? It's like getting divorced
but not getting divorced. Now I understand why someone said
upthread that this is not sustainable.
[/quote]
I agree that it doesn't really seem sustainable, especially if
either parent eventually wishes to remarry. Still, I guess if it
works for them, good on them.
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