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#Post#: 8835--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Victoria
Date: July 16, 2018, 1:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Celestia link ---
>
> Fair enough! :) In my mind, there's a negligible difference
between "Here's a list of the things I need" and "Macy's has a
list of the things I need". Except that Macy's can ALSO tell
you what's already been purchased, which I can't do until I
receive the gifts.
>
> I don't want to argue, I'm just interested in this thought I
didn't realize I had, and this thread seems like a decent
jumping-off point for the purpose of registries in general.
>
--- End Quote ---
IMO the difference is in the need being expressed. If someone
made a gift registry after their house burned down or they got a
divorce, then I would feel obligated or feel like I was being
pressured into purchasing something or doing something for them.
For gift registries for things like weddings and babies the need
seems less dire and somehow feels like less pressure.
#Post#: 8840--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: July 16, 2018, 2:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> [quote author=Celestia link=topic=515.msg8684#msg8684
date=1531596702]
> Fair enough! :) In my mind, there's a negligible difference
between "Here's a list of the things I need" and "Macy's has a
list of the things I need". Except that Macy's can ALSO tell
you what's already been purchased, which I can't do until I
receive the gifts.
>
> I don't want to argue, I'm just interested in this thought I
didn't realize I had, and this thread seems like a decent
jumping-off point for the purpose of registries in general.
>
--- End Quote ---
IMO the difference is in the need being expressed. If someone
made a gift registry after their house burned down or they got a
divorce, then I would feel obligated or feel like I was being
pressured into purchasing something or doing something for them.
For gift registries for things like weddings and babies the need
seems less dire and somehow feels like less pressure.
[/quote]
I think also there is a difference between house burned down
[have no stuff], and divorce [have stuff, just haven't worked
out that some of it needs to move from house to flat/apartment].
I know there are people out there that lead such pared down
lives that they may not have spare anything, but I've never met
one. In the article, it sounds as though the parents take turns
occupying the flat and the house and the children remain in the
house - so it's not that difficult to take 1/4 of the
china/glassware to the flat.
But I speak as someone who slept on a secondhand mattress on the
floor until I could afford new, and only purchased a new sofa in
my 40s, so I know that mileage varies.
#Post#: 8853--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: July 16, 2018, 3:33 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> [quote author=Celestia link=topic=515.msg8684#msg8684
date=1531596702]
> Fair enough! :) In my mind, there's a negligible difference
between "Here's a list of the things I need" and "Macy's has a
list of the things I need". Except that Macy's can ALSO tell
you what's already been purchased, which I can't do until I
receive the gifts.
>
> I don't want to argue, I'm just interested in this thought I
didn't realize I had, and this thread seems like a decent
jumping-off point for the purpose of registries in general.
>
--- End Quote ---
IMO the difference is in the need being expressed. If someone
made a gift registry after their house burned down or they got a
divorce, then I would feel obligated or feel like I was being
pressured into purchasing something or doing something for them.
For gift registries for things like weddings and babies the need
seems less dire and somehow feels like less pressure.
[/quote]
I've never known anyone to do their own "fundraising" after a
personal disaster. It is usually a friend, co-workers or church
group that instigate a giving campaign on the person's or
family's behalf. So if I got an email with "The Miller family
lost their home to a fire. We have created a Amazon wish list of
items that would be of use to them if you are interested in
giving." would come across fine to me. But I'd be bothered if
the note came from The Millers. And sure, there are people who
don't have a support network with someone willing to take the
lead on something like that. But if they don't, then they most
likely wouldn't have many people who would be offering financial
support.
And don't even get me started on GoFundMe. I seriously thought
it was a joke the first time I heard about it.
#Post#: 8856--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Victoria
Date: July 16, 2018, 4:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> [quote author=Victoria link=topic=515.msg8835#msg8835
date=1531767061]
> [quote author=Celestia link=topic=515.msg8684#msg8684
date=1531596702]
> Fair enough! :) In my mind, there's a negligible difference
between "Here's a list of the things I need" and "Macy's has a
list of the things I need". Except that Macy's can ALSO tell
you what's already been purchased, which I can't do until I
receive the gifts.
>
> I don't want to argue, I'm just interested in this thought I
didn't realize I had, and this thread seems like a decent
jumping-off point for the purpose of registries in general.
>
--- End Quote ---
IMO the difference is in the need being expressed. If someone
made a gift registry after their house burned down or they got a
divorce, then I would feel obligated or feel like I was being
pressured into purchasing something or doing something for them.
For gift registries for things like weddings and babies the need
seems less dire and somehow feels like less pressure.
[/quote]
I've never known anyone to do their own "fundraising" after a
personal disaster. It is usually a friend, co-workers or church
group that instigate a giving campaign on the person's or
family's behalf. So if I got an email with "The Miller family
lost their home to a fire. We have created a Amazon wish list of
items that would be of use to them if you are interested in
giving." would come across fine to me. But I'd be bothered if
the note came from The Millers. And sure, there are people who
don't have a support network with someone willing to take the
lead on something like that. But if they don't, then they most
likely wouldn't have many people who would be offering financial
support.
And don't even get me started on GoFundMe. I seriously thought
it was a joke the first time I heard about it.
[/quote]
There's a whole SouthPark episode called "Go Fund Yourself."
Which I think nicely sums up the current feeling about
self-promotional fundraisers.
#Post#: 8863--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Celestia
Date: July 16, 2018, 5:20 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
>
> I've never known anyone to do their own "fundraising" after a
personal disaster. It is usually a friend, co-workers or church
group that instigate a giving campaign on the person's or
family's behalf. So if I got an email with "The Miller family
lost their home to a fire. We have created a Amazon wish list of
items that would be of use to them if you are interested in
giving." would come across fine to me. But I'd be bothered if
the note came from The Millers. And sure, there are people who
don't have a support network with someone willing to take the
lead on something like that. But if they don't, then they most
likely wouldn't have many people who would be offering financial
support.
>
--- End Quote ---
That makes sense to me - would that still bother you if you
asked the Millers "what can I do to help you?" and the answer
was "We have this wishlist of things that we're trying to
replace"?
Is it just a matter of push/pull, or the existence of a registry
by the beneficiary at all?
#Post#: 8873--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: BunnyAndBandit
Date: July 16, 2018, 6:10 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Chez Miriam link ---
>
> [quote author=Victoria link=topic=515.msg8835#msg8835
date=1531767061]
> [quote author=Celestia link=topic=515.msg8684#msg8684
date=1531596702]
> Fair enough! :) In my mind, there's a negligible difference
between "Here's a list of the things I need" and "Macy's has a
list of the things I need". Except that Macy's can ALSO tell
you what's already been purchased, which I can't do until I
receive the gifts.
>
> I don't want to argue, I'm just interested in this thought I
didn't realize I had, and this thread seems like a decent
jumping-off point for the purpose of registries in general.
>
--- End Quote ---
IMO the difference is in the need being expressed. If someone
made a gift registry after their house burned down or they got a
divorce, then I would feel obligated or feel like I was being
pressured into purchasing something or doing something for them.
For gift registries for things like weddings and babies the need
seems less dire and somehow feels like less pressure.
[/quote]
I think also there is a difference between house burned down
[have no stuff], and divorce [have stuff, just haven't worked
out that some of it needs to move from house to flat/apartment].
I know there are people out there that lead such pared down
lives that they may not have spare anything, but I've never met
one. In the article, it sounds as though the parents take turns
occupying the flat and the house and the children remain in the
house - so it's not that difficult to take 1/4 of the
china/glassware to the flat.
But I speak as someone who slept on a secondhand mattress on the
floor until I could afford new, and only purchased a new sofa in
my 40s, so I know that mileage varies.
[/quote]
If there's just one person there at a time, do they even really
need a whole bunch of time? A few glasses, a few pieces of
flatware, a few plates and bowls. Two pants, two pots. There
shouldn't even need to be a whole 'registry' of stuff they need.
This is all stuff to be had for a song at the thrift shop, on
Facebook groups, of as YOU pointed out in their own cupboards!
#Post#: 8879--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: kglory
Date: July 16, 2018, 8:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Sara Crewe link ---
>
> [quote author=kglory link=topic=515.msg8712#msg8712
date=1531620763]
>
> Then I realize no, she wants the house AND the apartment, and
her husband presumably too - "In addition to maintaining our
family home, which my husband and I will be swapping in and out
of, I’m trying to furnish a small, one-bedroom basement
apartment." .
>
> So a family that once occupied one residence will now occupy 3
residences. Of course 3 times as much furniture will be needed.
But that is their CHOICE.
>
> If they couldn't afford it, financially, they would sell the
house. The fact that they are trying this arrangement means
they think they have enough money to afford 3 residences instead
of 1 - and hey, if this is how they choose to spend their money,
let them do it. But the financial cost to this choice is theirs
to bear.
>
--- End Quote ---
I read it as them also sharing the same apartment in rotation so
that would only be two residences.
[/quote]
Ah, you're right! I had initially read it as the kids would stay
in the house and the parents would swap in and out from their
respective apartments, so the kids could have stability.
But you're right, it says she & the husband will be trading off
from house to apartment on opposite cycles. Wow, totally
separate from the question of this thread, but that is crazy -
will she ever have any privacy or separation from her husband,
or he from her? They won't see each other, but they'll live in
each other's spaces, all the time? It's like getting divorced
but not getting divorced. Now I understand why someone said
upthread that this is not sustainable.
#Post#: 8907--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 17, 2018, 10:26 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
>
> I've never known anyone to do their own "fundraising" after a
personal disaster. It is usually a friend, co-workers or church
group that instigate a giving campaign on the person's or
family's behalf. So if I got an email with "The Miller family
lost their home to a fire. We have created a Amazon wish list of
items that would be of use to them if you are interested in
giving." would come across fine to me. But I'd be bothered if
the note came from The Millers. And sure, there are people who
don't have a support network with someone willing to take the
lead on something like that. But if they don't, then they most
likely wouldn't have many people who would be offering financial
support.
>
>
--- End Quote ---
This is why I'm OK w/ including registry info on a shower
invitation--because it doesn't come from the gift recipient.
Sure, the suggestions do--but if that note above said, "We've
asked them to create an Amazon wish list of items..." that would
be totally fine with me--of course you'd get their input, or
even have them make the list. Ditto w/ a bride or new mom, and
their gift registry.
And yes, if I asked the Millers--or the new mom--"What could I
get for you that would be helpful," it would be totally find for
them to say, "we put together a list at Amazon or
Walmart/Target." It would make sense! But then, I'd be asking
them, right?
#Post#: 8914--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: July 17, 2018, 11:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Celestia link ---
>
> [quote author=Hmmm link=topic=515.msg8853#msg8853
date=1531773193]
>
> I've never known anyone to do their own "fundraising" after a
personal disaster. It is usually a friend, co-workers or church
group that instigate a giving campaign on the person's or
family's behalf. So if I got an email with "The Miller family
lost their home to a fire. We have created a Amazon wish list of
items that would be of use to them if you are interested in
giving." would come across fine to me. But I'd be bothered if
the note came from The Millers. And sure, there are people who
don't have a support network with someone willing to take the
lead on something like that. But if they don't, then they most
likely wouldn't have many people who would be offering financial
support.
>
--- End Quote ---
That makes sense to me - would that still bother you if you
asked the Millers "what can I do to help you?" and the answer
was "We have this wishlist of things that we're trying to
replace"?
Is it just a matter of push/pull, or the existence of a registry
by the beneficiary at all?
[/quote]
Yes, I would be perfectly fine with them telling me they have a
wishlist of items after I offered to assist.
And I agree with Toots on the gift registry for showers. It is
not the recipient giving guidance on the gifts, but the hosts.
#Post#: 8920--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Sara Crewe
Date: July 17, 2018, 12:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: kglory link ---
>
> [quote author=Sara Crewe link=topic=515.msg8735#msg8735
date=1531666930]
> [quote author=kglory link=topic=515.msg8712#msg8712
date=1531620763]
>
> Then I realize no, she wants the house AND the apartment, and
her husband presumably too - "In addition to maintaining our
family home, which my husband and I will be swapping in and out
of, I’m trying to furnish a small, one-bedroom basement
apartment." .
>
> So a family that once occupied one residence will now occupy 3
residences. Of course 3 times as much furniture will be needed.
But that is their CHOICE.
>
> If they couldn't afford it, financially, they would sell the
house. The fact that they are trying this arrangement means
they think they have enough money to afford 3 residences instead
of 1 - and hey, if this is how they choose to spend their money,
let them do it. But the financial cost to this choice is theirs
to bear.
>
--- End Quote ---
I read it as them also sharing the same apartment in rotation so
that would only be two residences.
[/quote]
Ah, you're right! I had initially read it as the kids would stay
in the house and the parents would swap in and out from their
respective apartments, so the kids could have stability.
But you're right, it says she & the husband will be trading off
from house to apartment on opposite cycles. Wow, totally
separate from the question of this thread, but that is crazy -
will she ever have any privacy or separation from her husband,
or he from her? They won't see each other, but they'll live in
each other's spaces, all the time? It's like getting divorced
but not getting divorced. Now I understand why someone said
upthread that this is not sustainable.
[/quote]
I agree. If a family is well off enough to keep the family home
and get two apartments so each parent can have their own space I
think this could work but sharing like this means still dealing
with the other person’s housekeeping etc. which would drive me
mad.
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