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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 8182--------------------------------------------------
There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: DCGirl
Date: July 9, 2018, 10:20 am
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Interesting article in the Washington Post from a woman who had
to furnish an apartment after she and her husband split. It
ends on a some positive note about how emotional support is more
important than financial support, but it left something of a
sour taste in my mouth. How about you?
HTML https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/posteverything/wp/2018/07/05/theres-no-gift-registry-for-the-time-you-most-need-it-after-a-divorce/?utm_term=.8ed86b3c8d7e
#Post#: 8189--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: July 9, 2018, 11:08 am
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I can understand why the writer was contrasting this life change
to others, but I disliked the tone of her piece.
I'm a big believer in self sufficiency. I know some people see
weddings presents and baby gifts as the default to acquiring the
life necessities. I, however, believe that those life
transitions should be financed by the individual and gifts are
just bonus items. If I choose to have a child, then I need to be
prepared to pay for everything (including all of those diapers).
If I can't afford the child then I shouldn't be having one.
I can sympathize with her having to transition from a fully
"stocked and accessorized" home to a bare apartment. I am sure
it is depressing. However, she could also take this time to
focus on what is needs versus wants. Learning to live without
all your "stuff" can be very freeing. And she knows that at
least once a week, she gets to escape back to her stuff.
It's hard to be sympathetic when I know there are others who'd
love to have a one bedroom apartment with a second hand futon
and dollar store dishes.
#Post#: 8191--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 9, 2018, 11:47 am
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I have a niece of who split from her boyfriend/husband and can't
go back to get her stuff because of the restraining order. And
she had to decide to just leave it.
It's true, there isn't a gift registry--but that's because we
don't generally celebrate it. And we assume that people will get
half the stuff.
But if you're really struggling (as my niece is), the people who
love you most will pitch in. Her parents sent her mixing bowls,
measuring cups, knives, and cutting sheets. I bought her a
microwave.
I'll have to go read the post to see about her tone.
#Post#: 8203--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: lakey
Date: July 9, 2018, 1:05 pm
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It isn't the responsibility of others to supply you (general
you) with your life's needs. I'm single. It has never occurred
to me that others should throw me a shower so that I could set
up my home. I think that the concepts of showers and gift
registries have led to people thinking that they shouldn't have
to pay for their own stuff.
"There's no gift registry for the time you most need it." I
understand that divorce is awful. However, other people have
their own needs: unemployment, medical costs, college for
children, caring for elderly relatives, cuts in pay, veterinary
bills, losses due to theft or fire or windstorms, helping adult
children set up their own apartments, and on and on. I know
people who've gone through these things. They handled it. I
thank my parents for the fact that they taught me to always put
money into a savings account for the bad times.
#Post#: 8204--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: July 9, 2018, 1:36 pm
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I'm single and childless and have given enough gifts for
weddings and births. Nobody helped me set up house just because
I moved out without getting married. Sure, if I have an extra
blender or chairs I'm not using, it's yours, But a divorce
registry?! Enough is enough.
#Post#: 8208--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: July 9, 2018, 2:14 pm
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I remember a conversation on the old forum about those of us who
are single without children and how we sometimes get jealous (I
am sure other posters used better words) at watching our friends
get showered with gifts just because they choose the marriage
route. It was such a great thread for me, as others understood
that it was not that I did not want to celebrate my friends, but
that there was a part of me that wanted someone to buy me that
mixer. So, I read this article coming from the life experience
of never being showered with gifts for my life decisions. I
completely agree that one should be financing one's own life.
Life can totally be tough at times. And I can only imagine how
difficult a divorce can be. So, yes, there is a part of my heart
that feels for this woman and wants to toss her a throw pillow.
But we all go through life changes and sometimes the people
around us are able to help us out and other times, we struggle
along solo. It does not sound like this woman is doing without
life's necessities, but she is experiencing the humbling feeling
of doing without all the other stuff we tend to gather. You
learn pretty quick that you can indeed survive without certain
things. And as you begin to build this new life with the stuff
that you want, it becomes more meaningful. So, yeah, I have been
in the position of eating off of mix-match hand-me-downs and
wishing the dinnerware fairy would visit and make my
homesickness disappear, but I also know that *I* am the
dinnerware fairy and need to make it happen for myself. ;-)
#Post#: 8220--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: Victoria
Date: July 9, 2018, 2:44 pm
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I think this piece was poorly written because the author is
writing from a stuff-centric view while (seemingly) trying to
convey a non-stuff-centric message. Giving her the benefit of
the doubt, I assume that she's trying to convey that emotional
connections (and yes, maybe the gift of perishables like liquor)
are even more important when you're going through a divorce than
when you're a newly-wed, but she could stand to talk about the
stuff itself a little less. She puts in the fact that she has
gotten a lot of emotional support almost as an afterthought, and
complains a bit about how she got too much stuff when she got
married/had a baby. It's also (to me) kind of tone-deaf to say
that you're going to buy someone else a bedside lamp, which IMO
is a pretty personal choice. (As someone who intentionally has
very, very little, I did a lot of research before buying my
wake-up light/alarm combo). After you string this all together
in article form, it comes across less as "people don't share
sadness like they do joy" and more "ugh, I forgot to buy a knife
so I let a pineapple rot on the counter."
#Post#: 8235--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: July 9, 2018, 5:11 pm
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I also don't have a lot of sympathy for her in terms of
stuff--she has an entire house she could cannibalize from, and
she's on her own timeframe for furnishing the newer place, so
there isn't a huge rush. Especially since the two of them will
share that apartment as well.
Also: There's apparently an extended family. And it's perfectly
reasonable to put out a call to extended family to say, "Hey,
we're setting up a spare place; does anyone have any of these 12
items that they'd be willing to 'hand-me-down' to us?"
#Post#: 8239--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: MrsG
Date: July 9, 2018, 5:45 pm
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Seriously? Who thinks of this stuff? That article totally smacks
of arrogance in my opinion. A lot of people get divorced -
myself included - a lot of people have to leave w/ the clothing
on their backs with kids in tow - myself included. Like Toots
said - in those situations that's when the family circles the
wagons and helps the person out. If it's a situation where the
person just left everything because they wanted to, not because
they had no choice, then they need to purchase replaces, just
like the rest of us had to.
#Post#: 8251--------------------------------------------------
Re: There's no gift registry when you need stuff after a divorce
DIR By: jazzgirl205
Date: July 9, 2018, 8:31 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> I also don't have a lot of sympathy for her in terms of
stuff--she has an entire house she could cannibalize from, and
she's on her own timeframe for furnishing the newer place, so
there isn't a huge rush. Especially since the two of them will
share that apartment as well.
>
> Also: There's apparently an extended family. And it's
perfectly reasonable to put out a call to extended family to
say, "Hey, we're setting up a spare place; does anyone have any
of these 12 items that they'd be willing to 'hand-me-down' to
us?"
>
--- End Quote ---
This is what I got out of the article as well. This basement
apartment wasn't hers. It was shared. While I applaud the
joint custody and sharing the house for the children, it kind of
seems like the parents go into storage when it's not their turn.
I thought every house had it's share of extras and doubles. The
main house doesn't have an extra mixing bowl? Knives? A couple
of dishes or glassware? Since it's no one's real residence, I
don't see why craigslist can't supply the furniture. Also, the
article sounds like she is responsible for paying for all these
things. Isn't the husband responsible for some of it?
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