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#Post#: 8069--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Tea Drinker Date: July 7, 2018, 4:34 pm
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I think it was Miss Manners who suggested reaching for the
would-be hugger's hands, clasping them between yours, and saying
something like "Melisande, it's so good to see you! How's the
garden?"
In this case, I think you'd be justified in saying "Please don't
hug me" and, if questioned, point out that she's the one who,
when asked why she excludes you from things, said you're not
close. "If we're not close enough for you to invite me to family
parties, we're not close enough to hug."
Your mother can reasonably step back and say something like
"Kay, you know why we're never going to be close enough for
hugs." Even people who would say that you shouldn't take sides
about anything related to your parents divorce will usually
agree that it's okay for the people involved in the split to
"take sides." And even if your father hadn't cheated on your
mother with Kay, "the woman who my husband married after leaving
me" doesn't automatically count as family except in the sense
that she's likely to be invited to the children's weddings.
Yes, saying something like that might be awkward, but the
situation is already awkward, because Kay is overstepping
boundaries; you don't need to take on the discomfort so she can
pretend everyone likes her, or whatever other script she has in
her head.
#Post#: 8141--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: peony Date: July 8, 2018, 11:02 pm
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I haven't been in exactly this situation, but what I generally
do when unwanted hugs are coming my way is to put something
solid between me and the would-be hugger. I will move so that a
chair or a table is between us, or the car if we are outside, or
start fussing in my handbag as if I am checking whether I lost
my car keys. I don't make a big deal out of it, and I try to
move naturally to seem like I'm not avoiding them. If that
doesn't deter the hugger I will just turn my body sideways, in
other words, my shoulder towards their front, so their hug feels
awkward to them and they are less likely to try again. (My
little passive-aggressive protest at the hug, I'm not sure if
that is rude or not.) You could try one of those tactics if you
feel comfortable doing so. I'm sorry you are in such an awkward
situation.
#Post#: 8157--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Venus193 Date: July 9, 2018, 8:09 am
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[quote author=GreenBird link=topic=508.msg8028#msg8028
date=1530934199]
I wonder if it would work to just step back a bit when she's
trying to come in for a hug and saying, "Oh, no hugs for me,
thanks. Have a safe trip home!" Just try to use the same tone
you'd use to say, "Oh, no coffee for me, thanks".
Failing that, this is a brief "How to Avoid Hugs" video, which
shows some strategies for trying to convert an incoming hug into
a handshake:
HTML https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnLFSRjG2M8
[/quote]
I like this but what if the idiot with outstretched arms is much
taller than you are?
I vote for telling Kay that the two of you will never be close
enough for hugs. She is a hypocrite to demand them.
#Post#: 8159--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: guest426 Date: July 9, 2018, 8:14 am
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[quote author=Venus193 link=topic=508.msg8157#msg8157
date=1531141779]
I vote for telling Kay that the two of you will never be close
enough for hugs. She is a hypocrite to demand them.
[/quote]
Agreed. Be direct and assertive.
#Post#: 8165--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Aleko Date: July 9, 2018, 8:38 am
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[quote][quote]I vote for telling Kay that the two of you will
never be close enough for hugs. She is a hypocrite to demand
them.[/quote]
Agreed. Be direct and assertive.[/quote]
Me too. Not only does she know perfectly well anyway that you
are not close: she knows that she has made closeness impossible
by her own hostile attitude and actions. Her taking it on
herself to hug you and your mother now is an assertion of
dominance - she is essentially saying that she can kick or
cuddle you both just as she chooses, and make you accept
whatever she hands out. Don't accept it, and don't try to avoid
it by the kind of ploys you'd use on a well-meaning person who
has simply misjudged what's appropriate. If ever there was a
time to show a polite but shiny steel spine, this is it.
#Post#: 8167--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: DaDancingPsych Date: July 9, 2018, 8:49 am
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I might be making some interesting assumptions, but Kay sounds
like she can be a drama queen. I picture that anything like "Do
not touch me" would be taken over the top. She would make a big
scene about how she is trying to be a good person and that the
OP doesn't like her. (Throw in a few tears, too.) I think it
sounds like the goal is to maintain a civil and polite
relationship, so I would go for something a bit more warm. I
like the "Oh, no hugs for me, thank you" in the same tone as "No
coffee". She may still get a dramatic, so I would throw in some
"bean dip" to get away from the hugging topic. Just keep the "no
coffee" tone.
#Post#: 8200--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: TootsNYC Date: July 9, 2018, 12:37 pm
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[quote author=GreenBird link=topic=508.msg8028#msg8028
date=1530934199]
I wonder if it would work to just step back a bit when she's
trying to come in for a hug and saying, "Oh, no hugs for me,
thanks. Have a safe trip home!" Just try to use the same tone
you'd use to say, "Oh, no coffee for me, thanks".
[/quote]
This made me remember the youngest daughter of my friend, who at
bedtime informed me that she did not intend to hug me by saying,
with just the tinge of regret in her tone: "No hugs for you."
Not that this is a helpful comment--but that phrase is out there
in the world! The "for me" is better than "for you."
I also like the idea of having your purse on your shoulder so
you can swing it.
#Post#: 8211--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Despedina Date: July 9, 2018, 2:24 pm
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Thanks for the tips. I'm more leaning toward saying we are not
close enough to hug, only because I want it to stop. I'm most
likely going to see her at a niece's birthday this month so
we'll see how it goes!
#Post#: 8440--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: bopper Date: July 12, 2018, 9:21 am
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"oh...better not. I am coming down with a cold."
#Post#: 8445--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Aleko Date: July 12, 2018, 9:45 am
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[quote]"oh...better not. I am coming down with a cold."[/quote]
I don't think that's a good ploy. For one, it can't be used at a
general family gathering without rebuffing hugs from all the
people who are genuinely dear to you. For two, if every time OP
sees Kay she announces she has a cold coming, Kay (and everyone
else) will surely see through it, so OP will seem not merely as
hostile to Kay but also as cowardly and dishonest. For three, it
is cowardly. Kay has no business foisting hugs on people she has
wronged and cold-shouldered, and those people shouldn't have to
make excuses not to accept them.
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