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#Post#: 7958--------------------------------------------------
Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Despedina Date: July 6, 2018, 10:45 am
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So I'd like to get input on this to see how others would handle
it. My dad got remarried when I was in my late 20s. He married
a woman whom he cheated on my mom with for quite a while and who
broke up their 25+ year marriage. I was the only one who stood
up for my mom when my dad tried to deny it as I had just gone
through my own divorce and my sisters pretty much closed their
eyes through the whole thing.
Fast forward years later and I tried to make some sort of
relationship with my dad and with the new wife, who we'll call
Kay. Dad and Kay would flake on plans with my family multiple
times and would never manage to honor plans to do anything even
at his own mothers (my grandmothers) house. I finally stopped
trying about 5 years ago or so. A couple of Christmases ago one
of my sisters posted pictures of being at my dads with the rest
of my sisters (there are 4 of us) and also my grandparents. I
have never been invited. One of my sisters asked why. My dad
said nothing and Kay said that she and I just aren't close. This
hurt but I've had to find a way to get over it and deal with
seeing family and extended family at my dads at holidays and
such in photos online.
I don't see my dad or Kay too often. Usually its just at my
niece's or nephews' birthday. One of my nephews had a party a
couple of months ago and Kay and my dad were there. I'm always
polite to Kay and always have been. When she speaks to me or
asks questions I talk to her and try to be pleasant. At this
last party she came in to hug me as she was leaving. I didn't
feel I had a choice but I feel I don't feel that I want to do
that again. I have been excluded over and over for what seems
like petty or at least unknown reasons. And now I'm supposed to
hug her?
My mom and I got together for dinner a few nights ago and she
said she was at an event where Kay and my dad were and Kay
hugged her also and its not the first time. My mom does not want
to hug the person who broke up her marriage however she has come
a long way in being civil and polite to her. My sisters told
her how nice it was she was able to hug Kay but my mom feels
like she's being forced to do this.
I don't know how to voice that I don't want to hug this person
and neither does my mom. Would it be ok to say that I don't hug
people I'm not close to? Or would that cause drama?
#Post#: 7964--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: IceBear Date: July 6, 2018, 11:35 am
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It might cause drama. That's quite the thing to say to someone
in public. One thing that usually gets me out of casual hugs is
to say I have a cold coming on and better not hug them, then
give an "air hug" where I cross my arms over my chest.
#Post#: 7966--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: lakey Date: July 6, 2018, 11:45 am
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[quote]My mom and I got together for dinner a few nights ago and
she said she was at an event where Kay and my dad were and Kay
hugged her also and its not the first time.[/quote]
Icky.
First, I think that you are doing a great job dealing with all
this. You've chosen to overlook the bad behavior and be polite.
Second, your dad and Kay are selfish people, as shown by their
marital behavior, and also their repeatedly blowing off plans
with you. The hugging is Kay's way of trying to pretend that she
didn't behave badly. We're hugging, so everything is just great.
sarc.
Politeness does not require your mom to hug the woman that
wrecked her marriage. Unfortunately Dad and Kay are
self-centered to the point that I'm not sure they can learn to
behave better.
Third, I would suggest that you and your mother, knowing Kay
will dive in for a forced hug, prevent it by having your hand
out for a handshake. As soon as you see her coming at you, get
your hand out there between you. If she keeps coming at you,
she'll hit it.
I don't like forced intimacy, particularly from someone who's
screwed you over.
#Post#: 7981--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Bada Date: July 6, 2018, 1:33 pm
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I am not a hugger. I HATE that women are always expected to go
around being hugged by anyone who wants one. No real advice
here, just some (non-physical) internet hugs (from someone who
hasn't screwed you over).
I am a fan of handshakes, though those are usually viewed as too
professional. Having your hands full or being separated by an
object may help, too.
#Post#: 7983--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Pattycake Date: July 6, 2018, 1:58 pm
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I thinking turning it into a handshake wouldn't be good in this
instance. I have used that tactic, with a man who I was not
close to, did not want to be close to, and who caught me once
with the old open the arms wide as she's approaching, too close
to back away trick! But I think it would probably elicit a bad
reaction, being as it's your father's wife.
If it were me, I would probably just stand there, letting the
person hug me but not hugging back, like just standing with my
arms at my side, maybe even stiffening a little. Perhaps enough
times of this the other person might realize it wasn't a good
thing to be hugging you.
It really bugs me when people try to force a good relationship,
when everyone knows it's not true.
#Post#: 8002--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: guest426 Date: July 6, 2018, 3:55 pm
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Honestly, I would be open in my refusal to hug someone who was
directly involved in the events that led dissolution of my
parents' marriage. I'd tell them in an emotionless tone, but
just loud enough to not be overheard by anyone more than a few
feet away, "Don't touch me" and then take a step back away from
them.
That gives them the opportunity to abort their attempt at
familiarity without causing a scene. If that didn't work, I'd
put my hand out at arm's length (open hand, palm toward them),
shake my head, and say (a bit louder this time) "No."
If they persisted beyond that and tried to grab me, then the
situation has gone beyond the purview of etiquette and you're
fully justified in stiff-arming the person, raising your voice,
and defending yourself.
#Post#: 8011--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Amara Date: July 6, 2018, 5:21 pm
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It's odd what memories can come up when someone posts something.
For me, I immediately recalled, upon seeing your original post,
a scene from an old Project Runway in which Michelle is hugged
by the American Indian contestant (whose name I cannot now
remember) when Michelle was one of the two possible eliminations
but snuck through. Michelle did not like this woman so when the
woman's arms reached out and hugged her Michelle turned her fact
deliberately and coldly to the side and kept her arms in a rigid
position at her sides. She was stiff as a board.
#Post#: 8028--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: GreenBird Date: July 6, 2018, 10:29 pm
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I wonder if it would work to just step back a bit when she's
trying to come in for a hug and saying, "Oh, no hugs for me,
thanks. Have a safe trip home!" Just try to use the same tone
you'd use to say, "Oh, no coffee for me, thanks".
Failing that, this is a brief "How to Avoid Hugs" video, which
shows some strategies for trying to convert an incoming hug into
a handshake:
HTML https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnLFSRjG2M8
#Post#: 8040--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: LifeOnPluto Date: July 7, 2018, 3:53 am
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Urg - I'm sorry you have to deal with such shoddy selfish
behaviour from your Dad and Kay (and from a lesser extent, your
sisters - what's the deal with them not inviting you??). Kay
certainly seems brazen if she's trying to hug you, and the woman
whose marriage she destroyed (ie your mother).
Unfortunately, I think saying "I only hug people I'm close to"
would only cause unnecessary drama. And I don't think a
handshake would work either - it seems oddly formal for this
type of situation.
I think the best approach is to cross your arms, or make sure
you're holding something when you're in a situation where Kay
might hug you (eg if you're saying hello or goodbye). If she
insists on hugging you anyway, I like the idea of turning
side-on and not reciprocating the hug).
#Post#: 8048--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hugging when it doesn't seem right
By: Hmmm Date: July 7, 2018, 10:11 am
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Your father and Kay are behaving terribly and I would not want
to hug her either.
I recommend your Mom and you practice turning a hug into "air
kisses". I've spent a lot of time in places where air kisses are
the normal day to day greeting even in professional settings so
I don't see it as intimate at all. Similar to a handshake.
When she comes in for a hug, put one hand on her shoulder and do
the quick air kisses on each side. Practice with each other.
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