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#Post#: 6746--------------------------------------------------
Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: us2bcool
Date: June 25, 2018, 9:39 pm
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BG:
My husband passed away recently after a long battle with cancer.
Our daughter managed to get through her senior year of high
school, and believe me, it wasn't easy for her. Although there
was life insurance, I still need to work; fortunately my career
is doing fine. DD is managing, taking some time to get her head
together. I'm not pressuring her to get a job or come up with
future plans at the moment, so she has few responsibilities at
home other than some basic chores. She is a good kid and very
trustworthy.
So that brings me to my issue: I will be traveling quite a lot
for work now that I am no longer a caregiver. I am good with
this; it keeps me busy and distracted and helps me keep going.
DD enjoys having the house to herself and is great about taking
care of the cat and doing chores. But everyone...and I mean
EVERYONE...asks me how I can leave DD alone. And it's not just a
matter of worrying that she'll be lonely. People seem to feel
like it's odd that I'd leave a 19 year old high school graduate
alone for a week at a time.
My mom (who lives in another part of the state) asked me this
again today, for about the fiftieth time as I was telling her my
upcoming travel schedule. I'm sorry to say that I wasn't very
kind to her in my answer. I was also shocked at how angry this
question is making me. I'm tempted to stop telling anyone I'm
going out of town at all; it makes me that upset.
So my etiquette question is pretty basic, which is that at this
point I need a stock answer that I can use until I can calm
down.
#Post#: 6748--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: RevMaxx
Date: June 25, 2018, 10:14 pm
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my personal opinion on why you get angry is that you may be
second guessing yourself. fugetabodid
start with "it's nobody's business" what goes on in your
.house.
THink back when you were DD's age. I was already in my own
micro--apartment for a year.
She is responsible young lady.
you two have your own lives set up , that again is no one's
business. working towards your own family dynamic with your
change in losing husband and father. Don't overshare. People
judge. You sound like you two are going strong in your own
ways.
you didn't ask but I send {{{hugs}} to you and your DD. I am
so sorry for your loss.
#Post#: 6752--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 25, 2018, 10:49 pm
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>forehead smack< "Oh my God! She's NINETEEN. She's old enough
to fight and die for her country. Lots of people move out on
their own at 18! And in the 1800s, kids as young as FOUR YEARS
OLD had their own paper routes. The leader of the newsboys'
strike was something like 14 years old."
Though, really, I like the idea of having an answer sort of like
my DH's "it is the policy of the United States Navy..."
Funny, but clearly dismissive of their worries, and then never
deviate from that wording.
Maybe, "Eh, she knows where the fire extinguisher is."
My husband and I went to a wedding when our first kid was about
2 months old. Arranging a babysitter was actually pretty fraught
;)--my two best friends, one a teacher and the other also good
with kids, both from my church, were fighting over who would get
to be her first babysitter. We picked them both.
But at the wedding, it seemed like an endless stream of people
coming up to us with sort of shocked tones, "Who's watching the
baby?"
First we answered the question. Then after about 5 people, we
started saying, "We got a babysitter, do you think we'd just
leave her home alone?" kind of combatively. And people would
say, "well, I was just wondering," kind of defensively, and we'd
say, "We have it taken care of, I think you can trust us" just a
little coldly. It wasn't very friendly, but it made them go away
and leave us alone. If they were someone we sort of liked, we'd
immediately switch to a bright, friendly tone and say, "It's a
lovely wedding, isn't it?"
And eventually we just said, anytime anybody else asked (on that
occasion, and at any other time in our lives, even after 2
kids), "Eh, we just left her at home. It's not like she can get
out of the crib. What could go wrong?"
It was so clearly joking that it kind of left them no room to
continue the conversation.
So maybe try to find something like that.
Either offended--"I really resent the implication that my
daughter is either irresponsible or incapable"
Or funny--"eh, she knows where the fire extinguisher is" or
any other thing you can come up with--bonus points if it makes
fun of safety issues
Or, address the only *acceptable* underlying message ("I'm
worried about your DD") as though that's what they said: "It's
sweet of you to worry about DD, but she's a very capable
19-year-old, and she and I have prepared for all eventualities."
Then when they say, "oh, but what if there's a fire?" You say
the EXACT SAME WORDS: "It's sweet of you to worry, but she's a
very capable 19-year-old, and she and I have prepared for all
eventualities."
If there is someone that you do feel has the right to have their
worries assuaged (if Grandma is truly worried), it might be
useful to sit THAT person down and walk them through all the
possible worries, and all the troubleshooting you and DD have
done (does DD know where the water and electrical cutoffs are;
does she have a plan for whom to call if someone is breaking in,
or there's a fire, or she gets lonely, or she falls off the
ladder; have you and DD both made a pact that you won't get ON a
ladder without someone there).
But I would bet most people are mostly making conversation and
catastrophizing instead of having any genuine worries, so blow
them off with something that shuts them up.
#Post#: 6764--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: June 26, 2018, 4:49 am
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Toots, it’s a wonder that someone didn’t try to argue with the
“she can’t get out of her crib.” Of course, you could’ve said
something about letting her be suckled by a female wolf, because
it worked for Romulus and Remus. ;D
As far as the OP, OMG, the kid is flipping 19 years old, so if
she’s able to fight in a war, get married, smoke and drink (in
some states), vote, and sign a contract, she can look after a
house. I wonder if your friends/family are unknowingly doing
the cotton wool thing, because they think you and your daughter
are still fragile.
#Post#: 6770--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: Aleko
Date: June 26, 2018, 7:27 am
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--- Quote ---
> As far as the OP, OMG, the kid is flipping 19 years old, so if
she’s able to fight in a war, get married, smoke and drink (in
some states), vote, and sign a contract, she can look after a
house. I wonder if your friends/family are unknowingly doing
the cotton wool thing, because they think you and your daughter
are still fragile.
--- End Quote ---
It could be that a lot of these people haven't seen or
interacted with the daughter much for years, so that in their
minds they're seeing a 15-year-old or someone even younger.
People do that. Their friends' / relatives' children are frozen
in their minds at the last point that they had any meaningful
interaction, and it's a genuine surprise to them when they find
that this 'child' is an adult.
#Post#: 6771--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: TaurusGirl
Date: June 26, 2018, 7:39 am
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Nineteen is not only legally an adult (where I live), but it is
*plenty* old enough for a person to take care of themselves. By
the time I was 19 I'd been working for 4 years and just got my
first place on my own.
If I were in your shoes, I'd have a series of replies ready for
those who kept asking. I can't come up with many that don't
sound snarky though. :-X
#Post#: 6772--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: guest426
Date: June 26, 2018, 7:49 am
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Shoot...my parents would leave me home alone on a weekend or for
a day or two when I was 16, and that was before I had a drivers'
license.
Maybe a good stock response would be to say, in a tone
indicative of annoyance, "You do know she's 19 years old, right?
She's an adult. She can cook & clean for herself."
#Post#: 6786--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: June 26, 2018, 8:33 am
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I'm very sorry for your lose. I can't imagine how difficult it
is to try and negotiate the changed family dynamic with a lose
like you and your daughter have suffered.
I'd would first decide to believe the questions come from a
place of love, so I would answer them from that position. "DD is
very capable and comfortable being home for a week. If she were
away at college, she would be living alone. So we are very sure
she'll be fine in the family home for a week at a time. But I'm
sure she'll be fine with you texting her a couple of times
during the week to check in."
However, if they keep challenging your decisions, then be
upfront. "Look, I'm really starting to get ticked that you keep
second guessing DD's and my decisions on how we plan to live our
lives right now. Please stop before you do permanent damage to
our relationship. It's really offensive that you think DD is
incapable of taking care of her self or that I would make a
decision that I had not thought out fully and in the best
interest of DD."
I dealt with people second guessing DH's and I's decisions about
leaving kids with the inlaws to attend a party when our first
was 10 days old, going away for the weekend when DD was 6 months
old, traveling for a week every month the entire time my kids
were in elementary, and then accepting an international
assignment and "abandoning"the family and leaving my DH "holding
the bag" for 4 months. If it had been DH taking the assignment
or doing the business trips, no one would have thought twice.
And actually DH was away for a month when the kids were 4 & 6,
and no one blinked at all.
#Post#: 6787--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: June 26, 2018, 8:40 am
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I am so sorry for your loss.
I think that people are worried because of your recent loss, and
just aren't thinking. But nonetheless, I would remind them that
she is 19 after all. You could remind them that she COULD move
out but you both have elected to have her stay at home so how is
that different? You get someone to watch the house while you're
away, she gets experience living on her own in a safe place.
#Post#: 6800--------------------------------------------------
Re: Traveling for work with a young adult at home
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: June 26, 2018, 9:14 am
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{{Hugs}}, and condolences for your loss.
You could try: "she LOVES it when I'm out of town! How else
would she get to throw wild parties?" The more absurd, but
clearly joking, the answer the better.
In the UK, at 19 she could be legally married with a
three-year-old child, or a Member of Parliament [and hence
getting to decide about many people's lives/households], or a
long-distance lorry driver, or fighting abroad for her country,
or....
I think, if you don't want a flippant answer: "it works for us
both; we're both happy living our lives this way"*, and becoming
a 'broken record' could be the way to go. Just say the same
thing over, and over, and over again until you no longer have to
answer that question.
That (or a similar) phrase works equally well for first-time
questioners, or the 1000th time of asking from your mum.
* Assuming she is happy on her own, of course.
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