DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Weddings
*****************************************************
#Post#: 6714--------------------------------------------------
Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: Despedina Date: June 25, 2018, 4:05 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
My aunt (dad's sister) has 4 kids (my cousins). They seem to be
doing this thing where only immediate family is invited to my
cousins' wedding and either the rest of us is just invited to a
shower or in the case of one of my cousins there was a reception
afterward that we were invited to. The oldest of her daughters
is getting ready to remarry (2nd wedding and she's not yet 30)
in August. Her sister posted on facebook that the bride is
getting married in a public park with only immediate family
there and was looking for a cheap photographer (this is how I
found out it was immediate family only). Now my aunt sent out an
address getting link on facebook that a bunch of people are
tagged in to get addresses for the brides shower.
I didn't mind going to the one cousin's reception and shower but
another cousin (brides other sister) also did a private wedding
and did a shower afterward and now the oldest sister is doing
her 2nd wedding in this way (no reception that the rest of us
are invited to). Is this tacky? Would you decline?
#Post#: 6716--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: TootsNYC Date: June 25, 2018, 4:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Reception after is OK. (Technically speaking, you aren't
obligated to give a wedding gift unless you're invited to the
actual ceremony--though if I were to accept that invitation to
the reception, I would give a gift, just probably not as
enthusiastic a one.)
Shower only isn't so cool--"come give a gift even though you're
not close enough to include in the actual wedding."
I suppose in a way there isn't much difference between a shower
or a reception-only, but there's something about it that feels
wrong.
Also, showers aren't good etiquette for second weddings. They're
like baby showers--you really only get one.
Would I decline?
If I'm not close enough to be notified of an engagement in some
way, then yes, I probably would decline.
I would probably send a congratulatory card afterward, and
enclose a token amount of money, though. But I wouldn't spend my
time on it.
#Post#: 6718--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: June 25, 2018, 4:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=419.msg6716#msg6716
date=1529961390]
Reception after is OK. (Technically speaking, you aren't
obligated to give a wedding gift unless you're invited to the
actual ceremony--though if I were to accept that invitation to
the reception, I would give a gift, just probably not as
enthusiastic a one.)
Shower only isn't so cool--"come give a gift even though you're
not close enough to include in the actual wedding."
I suppose in a way there isn't much difference between a shower
or a reception-only, but there's something about it that feels
wrong.
Also, showers aren't good etiquette for second weddings. They're
like baby showers--you really only get one.
Would I decline?
If I'm not close enough to be notified of an engagement in some
way, then yes, I probably would decline.
I would probably send a congratulatory card afterward, and
enclose a token amount of money, though. But I wouldn't spend my
time on it.
[/quote]
The bolded above was my initial thought, and I was trying to
figure out why. Maybe because the point of a shower is to gift
someone: bride to be or parent to be. But a reception is more
is a party to celebrate the fact that a wedding has taken place
(although gifts are almost always given).
#Post#: 6719--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: TootsNYC Date: June 25, 2018, 4:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
also, gifts aren't technically required for receptions, but they
absolutely are for showers
#Post#: 6728--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: GardenGal Date: June 25, 2018, 5:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Depending on the closeness of the relationship I have, or wish
to have, with this side of the family, I'd decline if I didn't
want to go (but send a congratulations card), or attend if I
wanted to and bring a modest gift. Presumably, in a 2nd
marriage, the bride-to-be already has a lot of things left from
her first marriage.
#Post#: 6733--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: Hmmm Date: June 25, 2018, 6:20 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You are not supposed to invite anyone to a pre-wedding event
like a shower if they will also not be invited to the wedding.
In my own personal family, I can invision scenarios where I
wouldn't feel slighted if my cousin did not follow the rule. For
instance, if a cousin was having a destination wedding with just
her and the groom and maybe immediate family, I'd be happy to
attend a bridal shower as a way to celebrate her wedding with
her while being relieved they weren't expecting me to lay out
$1000's to attend a wedding in Hawaii.
Depending on the relationship with the cousin, I'd most likely
decline to attend.
#Post#: 6734--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: BunnyAndBandit Date: June 25, 2018, 6:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
A good friend of mine did something like this.
She had a courthouse wedding, with only immediate family
invited. Parents, sibs, and grandparents. No aunts or uncles or
friends. That made sense. Then they had an after wedding dinner
at a local diner. Just immediate family invited again. Okay,
that's fine.
But then she had this huge bridal shower with everyone invited.
And it really did feel like "You're not good enough to come to
the wedding, but you're good enough to come give me a present!"
And I felt like crap for thinking that, because she didn't mean
it that way. It just let a sour taste in my mouth, is all.
#Post#: 6760--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: Aleko Date: June 26, 2018, 2:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]And it really did feel like "You're not good enough to
come to the wedding, but you're good enough to come give me a
present!"
And I felt like crap for thinking that, because she didn't mean
it that way. It just let a sour taste in my mouth, is
all.[/quote]
And so it should. Nobody should give a shower for themselves in
any circumstances anyway, because although it's understood that
many social events - weddings, birthday parties, etc - call for
the guests to bring presents, the shower is the only one whose
explicit purpose is to elicit them - and of course it is not
ever polite or decent to say "Everyone come and give me
presents!" (Only Miss Manners remembers that actually not even
close family members should host them either, on the grounds
that if the family feel their relative needs stuff it's on them
to help her out.)
It's perfectly decent - and 100% traditional - for people who
have had a small wedding, or a wedding somewhere too far away
for all their friends and family to travel to, to throw a big
party (or reception, or whatever) shortly after they come back
from their honeymoon, and invite everyone who they would have
invited if the wedding had been a large one in their home town.
Just don't call it a "shower". Ideally, don't use the word
"wedding" anywhere in the invitation either. Then people know a
gift is not obligatory, and nobody feels, as you did, that
they're not valued enough for a wedding invitation but are
expected to pony up for a gift-giving event. The people who
really want to give you a present on your marriage surely will
turn up with something whatever you call the party - and isn't
that the nicest kind of present to receive?
#Post#: 6768--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: POF Date: June 26, 2018, 6:32 am
---------------------------------------------------------
In the dark ages when I got married, showers were simple. At
someone's house. Small bites, cake, socializing, usually just
women.
The last few showers I have been invited to are almost mini
receptions. Catered events at a venue, men and women, sometimes
music. In that case - I almost think it is OK to invite to the
shower only.
#Post#: 6827--------------------------------------------------
Re: Invited to the shower but not the wedding.
By: Bgolly Date: June 26, 2018, 10:13 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Last summer I received an evite to a wedding shower. I was
excited because I thought I would be attending a wedding later
in the year. After I RSVP'd that I would be attending I went on
Facebook and discovered that the HC had eloped a week earlier. I
did not attend this "shower" as it was obviously a gift grab. As
a side note this was her second marriage. She had lived with the
groom for at least three years and they had a baby together
already.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page