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#Post#: 6187--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Pattycake Date: June 20, 2018, 1:42 pm
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If it were me, I wouldn't visit. She has made her feelings
abundantly clear, and she is holding everyone responsible for
the actions of one person. She treats you like a pariah by
unfriending you, deleting your comments, and snarking about you
not visiting after she has treated you that way. And even before
that, it seems you were just an audience for her, not someone
she really wanted to interact with.
But if you do want to restore the relationship for whatever
reason, don't apologize or make it even sound remotely like you
are apologizing because you didn't do anything wrong - if you
do, she will take that as affirmation that she was wronged by
you. I like most of what Toots said except for the "if I were in
your shoes" part because I can see that being stretched to her
thinking (and telling everyone) you are in agreement with
everything she's said and done. Maybe skip that whole sentence
and just go with telling her everyone should have their own
relationship, etc.
#Post#: 6196--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Chez Miriam Date: June 20, 2018, 2:04 pm
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[quote author=Pattycake link=topic=404.msg6187#msg6187
date=1529520122]
If it were me, I wouldn't visit. She has made her feelings
abundantly clear, and she is holding everyone responsible for
the actions of one person. She treats you like a pariah by
unfriending you, deleting your comments, and snarking about you
not visiting after she has treated you that way. And even before
that, it seems you were just an audience for her, not someone
she really wanted to interact with.
But if you do want to restore the relationship for whatever
reason, don't apologize or make it even sound remotely like you
are apologizing because you didn't do anything wrong - if you
do, she will take that as affirmation that she was wronged by
you. I like most of what Toots said except for the "if I were in
your shoes" part because I can see that being stretched to her
thinking (and telling everyone) you are in agreement with
everything she's said and done. Maybe skip that whole sentence
and just go with telling her everyone should have their own
relationship, etc.
[/quote]
I met (for the first time) my cousin's son's fiancee last
summer, and she apologised that we wouldn't be invited to the
wedding, and my response was "we wouldn't expect to be, we're
distant relatives who don't really see anything of each other; I
hope you have a truly wonderful day". I don't have a
relationship with her future father-in-law (cousin) and cousin's
brother, but I have a close relationship with my two girl
cousins.
That's just the way it's worked out, and it would feel quite
weird if they invited us to the small wedding - it would mean
their friends may have missed out. I'd hate for anyone to think
that I have to be invited in case I get all foot-stompy!
If your niece wants to be reasonable, she will see Pattycake's
point. But given past behaviour, I'm guessing not. ::)
#Post#: 6217--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Girlie Date: June 20, 2018, 3:30 pm
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What would I do?
I'd not visit, and I'd be happy about it.
Honestly, there is no way I'd want to visit someone with that
kind of attitude and that history of behavior.
#Post#: 6232--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Hmmm Date: June 20, 2018, 5:39 pm
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It doesn't sound like you liked this niece prior to the blowup
about the wedding since you viewed your visits with her, her
child and your ex-SIL as obligatory and you say you did not
enjoy the visits.
Therefore. I think it best to not try to arrange visits with her
when you visit. I know as the niece I would hate be be visited
so that someone could cross me off their to do list.
#Post#: 6233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: crella Date: June 20, 2018, 5:43 pm
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I would like to add that clearing out your parents’ home is
emotional, and can be draining. That’s more than enough to deal
with at one time . It’s not a usual ‘visit nome’, you don’t owe
anyone your time on this trip.
#Post#: 6246--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: TootsNYC Date: June 20, 2018, 6:43 pm
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[quote author=crella link=topic=404.msg6233#msg6233
date=1529534617]
I would like to add that clearing out your parents’ home is
emotional, and can be draining. That’s more than enough to deal
with at one time . It’s not a usual ‘visit nome’, you don’t owe
anyone your time on this trip.
[/quote]
Good point! I concur.
And there's another response for you, if ever it comes up: "It
was not a trip that left me time or energy for social/family
visits."
#Post#: 6283--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Chez Miriam Date: June 21, 2018, 8:54 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=404.msg6246#msg6246
date=1529538220]
[quote author=crella link=topic=404.msg6233#msg6233
date=1529534617]
I would like to add that clearing out your parents’ home is
emotional, and can be draining. That’s more than enough to deal
with at one time . It’s not a usual ‘visit nome’, you don’t owe
anyone your time on this trip.
[/quote]
Good point! I concur.
And there's another response for you, if ever it comes up: "It
was not a trip that left me time or energy for social/family
visits."
[/quote]
Definitely store up this answer/mindset in case it should be
necessary. Sounds like the niece likes to stir up/stoke the
fires of discord, so please just protect yourself from her
drama.
#Post#: 6284--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Rose Red Date: June 21, 2018, 8:59 am
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It sounds like they are only one set of family out of a few in
the area. The OP should be prepared with a response if niece
finds out she visited the other branches of the family and not
hers. Although I don't know if you have to prepare since you
don't live in the area and you blocked her on FB. Who is niece
going to vent to? Other relatives on FB?....oh wait ;)
#Post#: 6347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: GardenGal Date: June 21, 2018, 3:16 pm
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She unfriended you, you never enjoyed visiting her in the first
place, you're going to NJ for an emotionally trying time, and it
doesn't sound like you care for her very much. Four really good
reasons for your NOT to visit her.
#Post#: 6373--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Hanna Date: June 21, 2018, 5:35 pm
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Pardon me, is this the snakes on a plane thread?
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